Friday humour - March 27, 2015

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Vale Malcolm Fraser, Australia's 22nd Prime Minister.

Some would say it's not politically correct to talk ill of the dead.
However, the evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred
with their bones. So let it be with our very own Mangey Mal.

Malcolm came to us from the landed squattocracy and attempted an education
in politics by correspondence, only missing several important classes
including Honesty and Integrity 101.

In 1975 he was central to the dismissal of a duly elected government and
triggered a constitutional crisis; which still polarises and divides the
nation to this day. Some others would say the dismissal happened because of
a 'born to rule' mentality instilled into a young Malcolm by a privileged
upbringing. Still others might blame brain damage from living as an
agrarian socialist for too long in the dusty western district of Victoria.

His treacherous streak that led to the highly collectible '75 Shame Fraser
Shame badges and bumper stickers, eventually led to his resignation from
the political party that he once led. His criticism of the current Liberal
party leadership means his own political party won't own him and neither
will the local charity Op shops. Even Prince Whatshisname got a knighthood
from the current bunch in the party but poor old Mal dips out. Such is

So because as we know, numbers rule the Cosmos, our beloved Mal lived to
the age of 84 years, ruled as PM until '84 and suspiciously lost a pair of
trousers (for which he will be fondly remembered) that had a waistline of
84 cms. RIP mate.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Duke of Barsinov, Seasoldier,
Whizzbang, Wally & anon.


Shaggy dog story:

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a £10 and a note in
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and
quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a
green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The
dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he
walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs,
the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to
push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up
to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself-Whap!
against the door. He does this again & again. No answer. So he jumps on a
wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and
waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the
dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?
This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ar*e. It's the second time this week he's
forgotten his key"


Theatre Seats for Seniors:

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,"Sorry
sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you
don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched
briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,
but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"Fred," the old man moaned. "Where you from, Fred?" asked
the police officer. With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving,
Fred replied... ... "The balcony"


Murphy goes to church:

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he
saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad
ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced
me hat and I really, really love that hat.. I know that McGlynn had a hat
just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that
he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the
back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal
McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After
I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do
without that hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."


More dentistry:
 Click here


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My holiday -Think about this!:

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for
ourselves what the place was like now.

It didn't start well when the bus we were travelling on broke down a few
k's south of the capital.

What a third world sh*thole! Streets full of angry bearded men glaring at
us and my wife stood out like a sore thumb in her sun dress, as all other
women had head-to-toe burqas. Oh my God, we are dead, I thought.
Luckily, Dave the organiser knows his way around well, and suddenly
remembered that Logan had a railway station, so we were able to get safely
to Brisbane airport and then on to Kabul....


Hitch Hikers on the Nullarbor:

Two Aboriginals were riding along the highway on a motorbike. They broke
down and started trying to hitch a lift.

A friendly trucker (Wilko) stopped to see if he could help and they asked
him for a lift. He told them he had no room in the rig because he was
carrying 20,000 lawn bowls.

The Aboriginals put it to Wilko that if they could manage to fit in the
back with their bike, would he give them a lift, and he relented.

They managed to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
truck, so Wilko the driver shut the doors and got off on his way.

By this time he was really late and so pushed his foot down hard.

Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulled him over for speeding. The good
officer asked Wilko what he was carrying to which he replied jokingly--
'Indigenous eggs'.

The Highway Patrol Officer obviously didn't believe this so wanted to take
a look for himself.

He opened the back door and quickly slammed it shut and locked it. Then he
got onto his radio and called for immediate backup from as many officers as

The dispatcher asked what emergency there was that required so many

'I've got a truck with 20,000 Abo eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they have
already managed to steal a motorbike'


Need a dentist:
 Click here


Loving magpie:
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Loving Magpie Becomes Permanent Family Member After Being Rescued Years Ago

When the Bloom family took an abandoned baby magpie under their wing over a
year ago, they had no idea the chick would become a loving, permanent
member of their clan in Sydney, Australia. The bird-named Penguin because
of her coloring-was only a few weeks old when she was found on the ground
near the library by young Noah back in late 2013. After consulting a family
friend who is an experienced veterinarian, husband and wife Cameron and Sam
Bloom and their three children (Rueben, 13, Noah, 11, and Oli, 9) nursed
the young magpie back to health.
Now, Penguin is free to fly wherever she pleases, but she never fails to
return to the Bloom household to see her favorite humans. According to
Cameron, the magpie usually hangs around the family in the morning until
the kids leave for school, and then she'll fly off on her own. But she's
always there to greet the three brothers when they come back in the
afternoon, as
Cameron tells ABC News: "She's here at 3:30pm usually when the kids get
home from school. She sings when they come up the driveway."
While she will most likely someday raise her own family, for now Penguin is
perfectly happy with the one she has now. She often sneaks inside to eat
Blooms' scr*ps at the dinner table, snuggle with them in bed, play catch
with the kids, or just perch contentedly on whatever furniture or person
happens to be nearby. As magpies are known to be incredibly intelligent
birds, it's no surprise to learn that Penguin has even started mimicking
the humans' voices, singing, and joyfully flapping her wings whenever the
Blooms wave their arms at her. "I never thought she'd become as much a part
of the family as she has," Cameron says. "[The kids] love her like a dog,
but better."
Cameron, a talented photographer, doc*ments the family's life with Magpie
on their Instagram account @penguinthemagpie. Be sure to check it out for
more stunning shots of the warm Bloom clan and their unusual animal


The myth of the Valentine heart:

We were all brought up thinking the heart that you see for Valentine's day
is similar to the Human Heart.
This could not be farther from the truth. The human heart is actually
oblong, with a bunch of nasty looking arteries and ventricles winding in,
out and around.

The attached photo shows clearly the true origin of the Valentine Heart
 Click here

Now, doesn't this make a lot more sense?


Things you don't see very often:
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Some interesting and intriguing photos !
Thought you would like to see these---unusual but very interesting!


Links & Photos:
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Chinese Build 57 Story Building in 19 Days
 Click here

Disaster at Lake Peigneur
 Click here

Staying Alive (Oldie)
 Click here

Whittier Alaska
 Click here

Your Kidneys
 Click here

Heather Dorniden
 Click here


Wife's Nickname

I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited callers to
reveal the nick-names they had for their wives.

The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife, "Harvey Norman"

The Host asked him why that name?

He replied: "Absolutely no interest for 36 months."


World's Top 10 Tanks:
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The first ever tank emerged on the battlefield in 1916, during the first
World War. The name 'Tank' came from the secretive fashion in which the
British were manufacturing their tanks; different parts were constructed in
various factories, and workers were told they were building water tanks. In
the 21st-century, the Main Battle Tank (MBT) has become an extremely
sophisticated machine, with incredible firepower. These ten tanks are the
most modern MBTs you can find on the battlefield, in no particular order.


Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan:
 Click here

A zero premium, no deductible Long Term Health Plan.

Say you are an older senior citizen, and can no longer take care of
yourself, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available
for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are
allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to
prison for the rest of your life, where you will receive three meals a day,
a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning, cable TV, a
library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need
glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs,
s*x change, or heart? They are all covered.

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told
you, they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get
rid of a useless politicians while you are at it. And now, because you are
a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?


Sea Lion:
 Click here


Going, Going, ... Gone:
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The Rivet One Motorcycle:
 Click here

William Shatner and American Wrench created The Rivet One Motorcycle, a
unique, hand-built bike, that Captain Kirk will be driving his across the
country later this year.

Through our mutual history and passion for the craft of motorcycles and
fine automobiles, William Shatner and American Wrench came together to do
something that has not been done before. Without a formidable machine in
the marketplace that provides the experience Bill desired, we set out to
design and develop something that would not just meet his expectations, but
blow the minds of everyone who sees, pilots, or experiences it.

Rivet will deliver an experience that rivals the refinements and power, of
a fine automobile, but it does not compromise the raw sensory feedback and
grit of a motorcycle, on the open road. This marries man and machine, to
deliver exhilaration without compromise.


Off the Wing:
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Links & Photos:
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Awesome Machines (1)
 Click here

Awesome Machines (2)
 Click here

Happy Dogs Australia
 Click here

21 X World Virtual Tours
 Click here

Ping Pong goes Round
 Click here

25 Classic Songs from Movies
 Click here

15 X Worlds Worst Prisons
 Click here


Fireworks Disposal:
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The Midland Police Department, in Texas joined the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, by detonating some 20,000 pounds of
seized fireworks. The disposal took three and a half days, executed in
large, spectacular groups.
 Click here


 Click here


What do you say:
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[ End friday humour ]

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