Friday humour - March 13, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze; 

It's my duty to advise you dear reader that
'Gussious' one of your Bluehaze Editors has truck a major hurdle and can't
continue editing these Humour Files. He may be able to join us again in the
future, we hope so.

The remaining Editors have had discussions and decided to invite a
contributor to edit with us.

This work is performing an edit of contributions once in four weeks,
according to an established roster.

Those interested contributors should contact management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au in
order to register their interest. Remember Bluehaze and this Humour page
starts and ends with you!

Now, it's on with the usual fun:

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THE MORNING AFTER A BIG PARTY AT THE ZOO
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Subject: RIP Leonard ...
 Click here

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Subject: not wearing Hi Vis
 Click here

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Subject: animal pals
 Click here

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Subject: Fw: Police Work at its best

Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the
floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir!” “The floor is still wet."

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Muslim Tribute Band

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at Lakemba Bowls Club in
Sydney.

They were called "Bomb Jovi".
They were brilliant.
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran
on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started . . . those pr*cks have no sense of
humour!

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Welfare rorting in Australia.
Prime  Minister Tony Abbott has announced he intends to make it more
difficult to claim welfare benefits.

From next  Monday all the Centrelink forms will be printed in English.

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SMART AR*E ANSWER 5

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART AR*E ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART AR*E ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said..
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART AR*E ANSWER 2

A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read

" Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under
it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to
the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
diesel!"

SMART AR*E ANSWER OF THE YEAR AND NUMBER 1!

A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam..
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ar*ed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
s*xual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering..
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her
head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

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Gun Safety Ad Now, this is funny!!! Definitely not what I expected in a Gun
Ad...
 Click here

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JOKE OF THE YEAR:
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

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Well I did't know that!!!!!

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London , which used to have a
gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair
trial of course) to be hung.

The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed
guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he
would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.

If he said YES, it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD.

If he declined, that prisoner was ON THE WAGON.

So there you go. More bleeding history.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in
a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had
to do this to survive you were "p*ss poor", but worse than that were the
really poor folk, who couldn't even afford to buy a pot, they "Didn't have
a pot to p*ss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May
and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were
starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then
the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

         Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats
and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up
your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the
top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence
the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to
help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on they added more thresh until, when you opened the
door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in
the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't
you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always
hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the
pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat
the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight,
then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been
there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: ''Peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old''.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut off
a little to share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''chew
the fat''.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper
Crust''.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes
knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road
would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on
the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom
of ''Holding a Wake''.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised
they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist
of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and
tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard
shift) to listen for the bell; thus someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell
''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring ! ! !

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You should be a cop in Dubai  !!

What Oil money can buy!
 Click here

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Subject: Scottish Dancing with a Difference ......
 Click here

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German Trapeze Couple

You'll enjoy this act. The woman is great. Doesn't say a word, but her face
tells it all. She never loses her character.

Here is a German trapeze couple who are somewhat different!
 Click here

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My other car...
 Click here

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Electric hybrid snowplow
 Click here

David Goldberg, 55, who owns nearby hardware store, drives his electric
hybrid snowplow with a toliet down the sidewalk on March 5, 2015, in
Bethesda, Maryland, plowing off snow from a large storm that is covering
the
Northeast of the US. He calls his snow plow "Loo-cy" and is equiped with a
toliet paper stand and magazine rack.

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Love it ...
 Click here

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pears before swine
 Click here

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Bird Identification
 Click here

I'm not great at bird identification, but I do know that there are four
females and one male.

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Links & Photos
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How to Pass a Snickers Bar in a Jet
 Click here

National Geographic Photos
 Click here

Himalayas by Helicopter
 Click here

Truth is Stranger than Fiction
 Click here

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The Art of Snow
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Underwater Landcruiser
 Click here

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Irish Humor! Love

He went into the confessional box after years of being away from the
Church. Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there's a row of decanters with  fine Irish whiskey and
Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the
finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

He say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since
I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box
is much more inviting than it used to  be."

The priest replies: Get out, you moron, you're on my side."

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Didn't take long
 Click here

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Some T Shirts slogans for the boys......last one's the best!!
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Quote of the Week:

"I am not evading tax in any way, shape or form. Of course, I am minimising
my tax. Anybody in this country who does not minimise his tax wants his
head read. I can tell you as a government that you are not spending it so
well that we should be donating extra."

- Kerry Packer

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[ End friday humour ]

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