Friday humour - March 06, 2015

Positive thinking
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Juggler is cool!
I'll bet you have never seen this done before...!!
Alexandr Koblikov the sailor:
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Wanna drive a truck turned upside down?
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Nobbled
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Now stop bragging!!

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Weasel rides bareback
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Cold Weather Dilemma
Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in
Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks
up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the
car and it turns out it was a skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.

Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it
warm, and let it go in the morning?"
DAVE SAYS, "OKAY, GET IN THE CAR WITH IT."
"WHERE SHALL I PUT IT TO KEEP IT WARM?
"PUT IT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS. IT OUGHT TO BE NICE AND WARM THERE."
ANNE SAYS, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL?"
"JUST HOLD HIS LITTLE NOSE."

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The Regurgitator
Hey, hold my beer and watch this!
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Ahhhh; Their First Little Tiff
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Nice lorry
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Testicle therapy !

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

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Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had
smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her
opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had
run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband
drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the
answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will
probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little
errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and
wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went
to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her
the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied
groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the
morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied
correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though
she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras
began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous
days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have
10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good.  Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I
had it on the tip of my tongue this morning ..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling
asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be
able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at
specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for
you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded
off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked
the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again
winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up
the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as
signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his
99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing
in me one more time, and I'll break it in half, and shove it up your ass!"

"AMEN," replied the congregation.

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An ambassador  from a small African nation visited Russia and was
entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days,
the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best
hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is
coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian
roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the
cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior
people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns,
spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought
hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his
country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all
hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room
in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample
our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the
only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of
one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral s*x take your
pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the
connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's
the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear:

"One of them is a CANNIBAL."

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Legs or breasts!
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Secret to Staying Warm
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Just one job
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The Priest steals the limelight at this wedding
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Black & White
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Links & Photos
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History Photos
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Breast Milk Coffee (Gag)
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Simon Pierro (iPad Magician)
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Always Wear Your Safety Vest
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[ End friday humour ]

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