Friday humour - February 27, 2015


Wise words from Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades,
so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like 
shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:  Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only
thing that keeps some parents going.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has
just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out.   I was in his room.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got 
gin in the steam iron.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang.   
How about short and cheap?
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
I admit I have a tremendous s*x drive.  My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a
trick knee.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away 
from children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago 
it was grass.'
The reason the pro-golfer tells you to keep your head down is so you can't 
see him laughing.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Sundays Smile

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex 
if she wanted to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her
best. God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.  "Not
bad," said the woman."I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent
over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long  slender legs!
He pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to
me right then and there." They don't like that in heaven said God. The woman
replied: They're not too happy about it in John Lewis either!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Muslim Bookshop

So I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim Bookshop.
The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the Australian 
Immigration Policy Book.
The Clerk said "F##K off, Get Out and Stay Out."

I said, "Yes that's the one!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Snow Art a lot of effort went into this
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Alpine Coaster looks like fun
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
How to Change a Lightbulb
Can't imagine how he was able to climb that high but SOMEBODY has to change 
that light bulb!
I watched with shivers
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Cute
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Westminster
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Steve
Feel that bass [Xish]
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

18 of the most Unique Hotels in the World
 Click here

12 Free Classic Movies
 Click here

North Korean Photos
 Click here

Military Snipers
 Click here

People are Awesome
 Click here

Cyclone Marcia Photos
 Click here

Kyle Carpenter (Medal of Honour)
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Dubai
 Click here

Kiss Cam at the Game
 Click here

Smallest W32 Engine in the World
 Click here

Mark Knopfler's Last Post
 Click here

88 Things about Australia
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Goodbye Pigeons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Goodbye Pigeons

This is a story about ....

1 X Old Ship
1 X Destroyer USS Kidd 1 X F/A-18 Hornet Fighter Jet 1 X Tomahawk Cruise
Missile 2 X Pigeons
 Click here

PS Very  strange, doesnt  seem  to do any damage to the ship,
       and they say, the pigeons are apparently still alive ... Wally

PPS  Its  OK I  found  them, and they made it back home
         still alive, but one has lost his back colour ... Wally

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
It Could Have Been Worse

Frank always looked on the bright side.  He would constantly irritate 
his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circ*mstance, he would always reply, "It 
could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a 
situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope
in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about 
Tom? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the 
gun on himself!"
"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (February 20, 2015)  Index Next (March 06, 2015)