Friday humour - February 27, 2015
Wise words from Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades,
so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like
shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only
thing that keeps some parents going.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has
just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got
gin in the steam iron.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang.
How about short and cheap?
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
I admit I have a tremendous s*x drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a
trick knee.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away
from children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago
it was grass.'
The reason the pro-golfer tells you to keep your head down is so you can't
see him laughing.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Duke of Barsinov
Sundays Smile
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex
if she wanted to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her
best. God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not
bad," said the woman."I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent
over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs!
He pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to
me right then and there." They don't like that in heaven said God. The woman
replied: They're not too happy about it in John Lewis either!"
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Nottingham Smithie
Muslim Bookshop
So I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim Bookshop.
The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the Australian
Immigration Policy Book.
The Clerk said "F##K off, Get Out and Stay Out."
I said, "Yes that's the one!"
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Nottingham Smithie
Snow Art a lot of effort went into this
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Nottingham Smithie
Alpine Coaster looks like fun
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Whizzbang
How to Change a Lightbulb
Can't imagine how he was able to climb that high but SOMEBODY has to change
that light bulb!
I watched with shivers
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Cute
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Anonymous3
Westminster
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Digi Steve
Feel that bass [Xish]
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Wally
Links & Photos
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
18 of the most Unique Hotels in the World
Click here
12 Free Classic Movies
Click here
North Korean Photos
Click here
Military Snipers
Click here
People are Awesome
Click here
Cyclone Marcia Photos
Click here
Kyle Carpenter (Medal of Honour)
Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Dubai
Click here
Kiss Cam at the Game
Click here
Smallest W32 Engine in the World
Click here
Mark Knopfler's Last Post
Click here
88 Things about Australia
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Wally
Goodbye Pigeons
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
Goodbye Pigeons
This is a story about ....
1 X Old Ship
1 X Destroyer USS Kidd 1 X F/A-18 Hornet Fighter Jet 1 X Tomahawk Cruise
Missile 2 X Pigeons
Click here
PS Very strange, doesnt seem to do any damage to the ship,
and they say, the pigeons are apparently still alive ... Wally
PPS Its OK I found them, and they made it back home
still alive, but one has lost his back colour ... Wally
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Wally
It Could Have Been Worse
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate
his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circ*mstance, he would always reply, "It
could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope
in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about
Tom? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the
gun on himself!"
"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]
Previous (February 20, 2015)
Index
Next (March 06, 2015) 