Friday humour - February 20, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze;

It's my sad task to advise you dear reader that the Gussius, one of your
Bluehaze Editors has struck a major hurdle and can't continue editing these
Humour Files at the moment. He may be able to join us again in the future.

The remaining Editors have had discussions and decided to invite another
contributor or reader to edit with us to lighten the editing load.
This en-tales performing an edit of contributions once in four weeks,
according to an established roster.
Any interested potential editors should contact management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au 
in order to register their interest.

Now, it's on with the usual stuff:

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Gotcha!!

MAN'S UNIVERSAL WEAKNESS
 Click here

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Subject: Morning s*x

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept
in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,”Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt
still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."

Subject: Hometown Battlefield

If you haven't seen this video, please watch. It is moving and worth your
while.

JP Cormier HOMETOWN BATTLEFIELD Official Video!! - YouTube
  target=_blank>Click here

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Re: Irishman in the Elevator.
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and
says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles,
Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to.

The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me......... I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3
pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'?!.... Sweet Jesus, I thought
you said, "Turn around"!

Subject: Re: Rays Proverbs

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in
the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14 OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death?. twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck
happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

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From: Burnout
Subject: Condoms, it's all about choice
 Click here

Subject: Nuns.

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch
of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye
bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Margaret, "I don't think they know
who we are. Show them your cross."

So Sister Mary Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye
little fookin' w*nkers before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"
Sister Mary Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that
cross enough?!"

Subject: A Politician.....

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was
caught in the drafting gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our
leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post
Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle'
was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to
explain.
 "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his
ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ar*e put him up
there to begin with."

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Honey Badger - Maker of Mayhem BBC TWO

Brilliant is an understatement!
Absolutely brilliant animal
 Click here

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From: KRP
Subject: Why Women Can't Drive In Saudi Arabia
Oh, the caring; oh, the generosity!
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Helluva Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
in one swaller.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to
see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't
have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my
wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Science:
 Click here

Subject:Worse than a Colonoscopy. FUNNY

Worse Than A Colonoscopy -
This will either make you laugh - or cry !!
Ever wonder what could be worse than a colonoscopy?
You will know the answer after watching this short, absolutely hilarious

www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0

Subject: The Poachers potential for good

Best one liner of the year (so far)

"If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are
aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared..."

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: What an incredible dog!! (VIEW THIS ONE!)

What an incredible dog!! (VIEW THIS ONE!)
Let's see a cat do this.

Wow, . Can't imagine the time it took to train.. or how !

"Eagle's Game 2014"
 Click here

Subject: This is a real FAIRIES' Tale ? !

40 years of marriage . . .

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet
beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an
exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this
time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary
II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years
old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female...

Subject: SHORT AND CUTE

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really?
That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great!
Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's
having on his golf trip with you."

Subject: Where's Newfoundland (Does anyone Know - ED)

A Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation with a Texan at a
local bar.
The Texan asks the Newfie where he's from and the Newfie says, "You know
where New York is?”
The Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where New York is.”
The Newfie says, "Well bye, you just drive north of dere about 6 hours,
turn right for 3 hours and catch a 6 hour ferry and you're there in
Newfoundland.”
The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!”
The Newfie thinks about this and then says, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus
bye”, I tink you might be right.......
I work with a Chinese guy and he goes home for lunch every day!"

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags . Then try 50-lb
potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato
bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Subject: Senior Citizens raffle at the bowling club

Don't forget to have your speakers turned up
Senior Citizens raffle at the bowling club
 Click here

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From: Anatinus
Subject: Texting Clancy

Clancy of the Overflow UPDATED

I had written him a text
Which I'd sent, hoping the next
Time he came in mobile coverage
He'd have time to say hello.
But I'd heard he'd lost his iPhone,
So I emailed him from my phone,
Just addressed, on spec, as follows:
clancy@theoverflow 

And the answer redirected
Wasn't quite what I'd expected
And it wasn't from the shearing mate
Who'd answered once before.
His ISP provider wrote it
And verbatim I will quote it:
'This account has been suspended:
You won't hear from him no more.'

In my wild erratic fancy
Visions come to me of Clancy:
Out of reach of mobile coverage
Where the Western rivers flow.
Instead of tapping on the small screen,
He'd be camping by the tall green
River gums a pleasure
That the town folk never know.

Well, the bush has friends to meet him
But the rest of us can't greet him:
Out there, even Telstra's network
Doesn't give you any bars.
He can't blog the vision splendid
Of the sunlit plains extended
Or tweet the wondrous glory
Of the everlasting stars.

I am sitting at the keyboard
And I'm too stressed out to be bored
As I answer all the emails
By the deadlines they contain
While my screen fills with promotions
For 'V1aggra' and strange potions
And announcements of the million-dollar
Prizes I can claim.

But the looming deadlines haunt me
And their harrying senders taunt me
That they need response this evening
For tomorrow is too late!
But their texts, too quickly ended,
Often can't be comprehended
For their writers have no time to think
They have no time to wait.

And I sometimes rather fancy
That I'd like to trade with Clancy:
Just set up an email bouncer
Saying 'Sorry, had to go.'
While he faced in an inbox jamming
Up with deadlines and with spamming
As he signed off every message:

clancy@theoverflow

ORIGINAL by BANJO PATERSON

Clancy Of The Overflow

I had written him a letter which I had, for want of better
Knowledge, sent to where I met him down the Lachlan, years ago,
He was shearing when I knew him, so I sent the letter to him,
Just `on spec', addressed as follows, `Clancy, of The Overflow'.
And an answer came directed in a writing unexpected,
(And I think the same was written with a thumb-nail dipped in tar)
'Twas his shearing mate who wrote it, and verbatim I will quote it:
`Clancy's gone to Queensland droving, and we don't know where he are.'
In my wild erratic fancy visions come to me of Clancy
Gone a-droving `down the Cooper' where the Western drovers go;
As the stock are slowly stringing, Clancy rides behind them singing,
For the drover's life has pleasures that the townsfolk never know.
And the bush hath friends to meet him, and their kindly voices greet him
In the murmur of the breezes and the river on its bars,
And he sees the vision splendid of the sunlit plains extended,
And at night the wond'rous glory of the everlasting stars.
I am sitting in my dingy little office, where a stingy
Ray of sunlight struggles feebly down between the houses tall,
And the foetid air and gritty of the dusty, dirty city
Through the open window floating, spreads its foulness over all
And in place of lowing cattle, I can hear the fiendish rattle
Of the tramways and the 'buses making hurry down the street,
And the language uninviting of the gutter children fighting,
Comes fitfully and faintly through the ceaseless tramp of feet.
And the hurrying people daunt me, and their pallid faces haunt me
As they shoulder one another in their rush and nervous haste,
With their eager eyes and greedy, and their stunted forms and weedy,
For townsfolk have no time to grow, they have no time to waste.
And I somehow rather fancy that I'd like to change with Clancy,
Like to take a turn at droving where the seasons come and go,
While he faced the round eternal of the cash-book and the journal --
But I doubt he'd suit the office, Clancy, of `The Overflow'.

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Irrefutable Proof
 Click here

Irrefutable proof that a good woman can bring balance and stability to your
life.

Subject: For Older Men (XX - ED)

I sent you this because as you're getting older and not sure if you
remember what one looks like.
 Click here

Subject: Re: Who's the boss ?
The Long Ride Home from S. Africa
They only showed one picture on the news. Here's the rest of them.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Subject: Race tip
 Click here
Just another one, crude as always!!!

 Race tips from Australia.
 A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met
up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.
 They got on famously and ended up in bed.
 The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the
races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was
riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
 In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her b*obs.
 The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which
he placed $100 at 5-1.
 It won by two lengths.
 In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.
 He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
 In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her
crotch.
 He backed nothing.
 After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in
races 2 and 4.
 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a
fortune'
 'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was
scratched!'

Subject: THE NUN, THE PRIEST & A CAMEL

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third
day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive More
than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it Out
of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.'
'Well, under the circ*mstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's appendage. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was Sporting a
huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my appendage in the right place, it can
Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get The
hell out of here!'

Subject: Ambidextrous golfer
Even if you don't play golf you might like this one. . .

A group of guys lived and died for their Sat*rday morning round of golf
until one transferred to another city... It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their
golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college
and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week ?"
The three guys looked at each other.
Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.
Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -
at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.
The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15
minutes late.
They rolled their eyes, but said okay.
She smiled and said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening
2-under par round.
She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed.
Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next
week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par
round,despite playing with her off-hand.
They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem
to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man
harboured a burning desire to beat her...
The third week, the guys had their game faces on.
But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable.
This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of
them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her
part.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play,
they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.
This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.
They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point
blank,
"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.
"When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.
I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in
the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit...
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice,
I would pull the covers off him.
If his Ol' Fella was pointing to the right,
I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed
left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Park It Under the Bed WOW

If you see this when you're out and about, you can say you know what it
is... It is in England, however!!!
This awesome Flatmobile has a jet engine and does 100 mph (160 km/h).
Flatmobile recognised by the Guinness World Records for lowest street legal
car.
It stands at just 19 inches or 48 cm tall.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Creative Cool Things - ENGINEERING MARVELS
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

A masterpiece Bathtub made from wood

Seaside Deck, Hawaii

Love this tree house!

Dream Stove!

Double Back - VW's Sliding Extension Camper Van

Mercedes-Benz BIOME concept car.

The Almighty Board is the ultimate kitchen assistant. This smart-board will
simultaneously serve as your cutting board, display your recipes, provide
step-by-step directions and weigh your ingredients out for you. After you
wash it, it will even tell you if it has been cleaned enough to avoid
cross-contamination or food poisoning. Wow!

Solar Street Lights, Ahmedabad, Gujarat , India

Bowl made of chocolate

That's cool! Creativity at its best in Interior Decor.

16th Avenue tiled mosaic steps, San Francisco

Hanging Beds in a Forest Resort!

25 percent of Denmark is now powered exclusively by wind.

Tree top suspension bridges in Vancouver , BC . Visitors move from tree to
tree at a height of 30 meters.

Creative garden pond.

Beautiful sight in London

Water flow: Ladybower Reservoir In Derbyshire, England

World's Largest Solar Powered Ship. U.K.

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From: Sack
Subject: Today's chuckle : Sydney Medical School Lecture...that got out of
hand

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up
the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what
your ar*ehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his Friends.'

It took 5 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

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Quote of the Week:
"These little gray cells, it's up to them." _ Agatha Christie.

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[ End friday humour ]

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