Friday humour - February 13, 2015


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Ninh Chu

Absolutely fantastic
 Click here

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Random Thoughts As We Age:

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met
yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop p*ssing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown
up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I
finally snap!

I don't have gray hair.  I have "wisdom highlights".  I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance to idiots that needs
work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I'll do that
second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I
came in there for.

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Winter!!

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning;
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really stuffed now."

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Cuba's Cars
Those of us who are old enough will remember these.....
 Click here

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Retired Husband

Someone asked me, "...And now that you are retired, do you still have a
job?"
I replied, "Yes - I am my wife's s*xual adviser."
Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what exactly do you
mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f*cking advice,
she'll ask me for it."

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Sir Pository

Queenie, isn't it jolly dashed decent of that colonial chappie to give me a
knighthood?
"Oh yes rather Philly. Isn't he the chap the Orstralians say is a badger
smuggler. It makes one think why on earth would one want to smuggle a
badger?"
"Oh yes Queenie - it does sound a frightful bore. The dashed thing is that
we will have to give him a title in return."
"I know Philly - we can make him a knight of the order of the Royal Brown
Nose."
"A jolly capital idea Queenie - we can dub him 'Sir Pository'."
"Oh that is super Philly - I am slightly amused."

(letter to the Guardian)

And according to Clarke and Dawes, Joe Hockey is to be Sir Plus.

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Mount Everest - like you've never seen it before!
It’s almost like being there  (well, not quite - but it gives you an idea
of the climb). At the summit you  can view through 360 degrees (move the
mouse  around).
 Click here

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Where's me F*****g hand-out Tony? Only in Australia !
Do not play this where you kids can hear it !!!!!!
 Click here

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Sign
 Click here

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A few cute thoughts for 2015
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More great signs
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Laughs for the Day
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The look of "Premature Joy". . . .
 Click here

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Methane Gas in Cow Pastures
 Click here
Growing up on the Farm, we knew better than to play around with Cow
Patties!

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Seen on social media...
 Click here

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Real Football (LFL)
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Now this is my kind of Super Bowl

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Octopuses or Octopi

Octopus 1 -
 Click here (wait for the reverse video)


Octopus 2 - Can you spot the octopus. It is not the white shell
 Click here

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Carol, Bruce, & Gavin [XXX and really gross, but funny if you can get past
that. Ed.]
 Click here
Carol stepped out of the shower, and slipped on the wet floor. Instead of
falling over, her legs skidded apart, causing her to do the splits, and
suction herself to the ceramic floor tiles. Stuck just like a limpet mine,
on the side of a ship's hull. She cried out for her husband "Bruce, Bruce,"
she yelled. Bruce gulped down his XXXX tinny, and came running in. "Bruce,
I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "Strewth Carol," said
Bruce as he tried to pull her up. "That's some suction, you're stuck fast
darlin, I'll nip next door, and grab Gavin." Bruce and Gavin came running
back, and they both tried to pull Carol. "No way Bruce mate, we can't do
it, because we can't even break the vacuum, let's go to Plan B," said
Gavin. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What's Plan B?" "I'll go back home, and
get me hammer and chisel, then we break the tiles under her, and release
the vacuum," replied Gavin. "Spot on Gav, said Bruce, and while you're
doing that, I'll stay here, and play with her tits." "Play with her tits?"
said Gavin, not exactly a good time for that stuff mate." "No" Bruce
replied, but I reckon if I can get her aroused enough, we can slide her
through into the laundry, where the tiles aren't so expensive."

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Photos
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Funnies
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WHY THERE ARE MORE WOMEN THAN MEN !
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Family discovers fully-stocked Fallout Shelter in Back Yard 50 Yrs Later
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Family discovers fully-stocked Fallout Shelter in their back yard 50 years
after it was installed at the height of the Cold War. PUBLISHED: 2013

The stocked shelter is just one example of the fears that many Americans
felt during the Cold War, when the threat of nuclear warfare was all too
real.

The family cleared away the bushes that had grown over the cover of the
shelter. Not only is it fascinating to see the well-preserved time capsule,
but it's also interesting to see what the 1960s family deemed necessary for
2 weeks underground in a 8 x 10 bunker.

When the Zwicks unlocked the heavy, metal hatch, they found watertight Army
surplus boxes floating in 5 feet of water that had seeped into the shelter.
The boxes' contents were in pristine condition. After pumping out the
water, they brought up the crates and were astounded at what they found.

Hidden Treasure:
Preserved: The previous owner of the shelter packed away Candies, raisins,
Hershey's syrup and other sweets - likely as treats to get through the long
days underground. (ALSO, items like toilet paper, paper towels, candles,
clothing,
Bedding, medical supplies, tools, flashlights, batteries. Foodstuffs that
-- like many processed foods available today -- could withstand a bomb or
two: Tang, Corn Flakes and Butterscotch Bits. It's unknown why the past
owner decided he needed to store a Phone Book ..?

The family donated all of the items to the Neenah Historical Society, which
has curated an exhibit about the Cold War and the fear of the Soviets using
'The Bomb.'

Shelters were supposed to keep inhabitants safe for 2 weeks from radiation
fallout. Down, down, down: The muddy ladder.

The rusted military supply boxes preserved the contents remarkably well
Even these paper towels were freshly sealed after 50 years

'It's interesting that you can open up something and find 1960 inside of
it.' It's unknown what fallout the late Dr. Pansch was expecting in Neenah.
The small Wisconsin city is 100 miles from Milwaukee and nearly 200 Miles
from Chicago - the population centers that might have been targeted by the
Soviets.

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Winter in Canada
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Airport Security! HOW TO PREDICT A PAT DOWN.
 Click here
I bet you spotted it right off! Yep .... the suitcase doesn't have a name
tag on it.

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