Friday humour - January 30, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: HOW OBSERVANT ARE YOU?

Think Test. Give it a try...

CLICK ON THE BELOW LINK  ( A Think Test )  AND TAKE THE TEST.

THE NORMAL RATE IS 7 OUT OF 25.

GOOD LUCK!

NOT MANY PEOPLE SCORE MORE THAN 5.

A Think Test
 Click here

Subject: The "Crabby" Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Antingonish,
Nova Scotia  a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

"We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one
Mountie.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad news first."

The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound
snow crabs and 6 good-sized lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great
news?"

The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

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From: Burnout
Subject: IRISH DOCTORS APPRENTICE

 A doctor in Dublin, feeling overworked wanted to get off work and go
fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing
tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the
clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,
Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?
asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears
off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and
lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For
five years I have not seen any man!"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
 "I put drops in her eyes."

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: A man goes to the nursing home

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there
he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man
asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says,
"And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed."

Subject: Official Lancaster UK Tour Trailer
 Click here

Subject: Birmingham Airport
Birmingham Airport in England must have some windy days as these pilots are
pretty good.
 Click here

Subject: penny for your thoughts

One night a woman with a newborn baby spotted her husband standing over
their baby's cot.
She watched him silently and unobtrusively, with curiosity.
As he stood there, looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face
a mixture of emotions;
Disbelief, amazement, enchantment, scepticism, and intense study.
Touched by this display and the deep emotions he was showing, she moved
into the baby's room and slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts", she whispered.
"It's utterly amazing, and beyond all understanding", he said.
"It's got me stuffed how anyone could build a cot like this for $319.99!!"

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From: Sack
Subject: Fw: A Male Fairy Tale !!
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry
me?”
The Princess said, “No!!!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and associated
with skinny long-legged big-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced
cars and went to strip bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky,
beer and Captain Morgans and never heard bitching and never paid child
support or alimony and kept his house and golf clubs and ate spam and chips
and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at
work and all his friends and family thought he was cool and he had tons of
money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

Subject: stowaway

A young Ontario woman  was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself  into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself
from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for,"  said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are
off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of
you, bring you  food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that  she had always wanted to
go to Italy  , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard
and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment  in the hold. From then
on, every  night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red 
wine, and make love to her until  dawn. Three weeks later she was
discovered by the captain during a routine  inspection.

"What are you doing  here?" asked the captain.

"I  have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings 
me food and I get a free trip to  Italy ."

"I see," the captain  says.

Her conscience got the  best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing
me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the  Toronto Island
Ferry."

Subject: Something to brighten your day

Maintenance People With Sense Of Humour

  Just in case you needed a laugh: Remember it takes a college
degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; that's
reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.
  After, the flight UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe
sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

  The mechanics correct the problems, doc*ment their repairs on
the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
  Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident....

  P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
  S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
  *
  P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
  S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
  *
  P: Something loose in c*ckpit.
  S: Something tightened in c*ckpit.
  *
  P: Dead bugs on windshield.
  S: Live bugs on back-order.
  *
  P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
  S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
  *
  P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
  S: Evidence removed.
  *
  P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
  S: DME volume set to more believable level.
  *
  P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
  S: That's what friction locks are for.
  *
  P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
  S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
  *
  P: Suspected crack in windshield.
  S: Suspect you're right.
  *
  P: Number 3 engine missing.
  S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
  *
  P: Aircraft handles funny.(I love this one!)
  S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be
serious.
  *
  P: Target radar hums.
  S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
  *
  P: Mouse in c*ckpit.
  S: Cat installed.
  *
  And the best one for last:
  *
  P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
  S: Took hammer away from the midget.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: 25 Adult Truths!

IF YOU DON'T CRACK UP OVER SOME OF THESE, AND SAY "ME, TOO" TO A BUNCH OF
OTHERS, AND LAUGH OUT LOUD TO THE LAST TWO, YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR
LIFESTYLE!

25 Adult Truths!

  1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.

  2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

  3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I
was younger.

  4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

  5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

  6. Was learning cursive really necessary.?

  7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm
pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

  8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
the person died!?

  9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired?

  10. Bad decisions make good stories, or better lawsuits.!?

  11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a defining
moment in time, when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.

  12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray.?
I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

  13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it
asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that
I swear I did not make any changes to.

  14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
not to answer when they call.

  15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well?

  16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I bet on any given Friday or
Sat*rday evening more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay Jewelers!?

  17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

  18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom
and hunger.

  19. How many times is it appropriate to say, "What?" before you
just nod and smile, because you still didn't hear or understand a word they
said?

  20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers and sisters!

  21. Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty.  Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

  22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet a weeks worth of wages, everyone can find and push the
snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed,
first time, every time!

  23. As soon as you find something at the grocery store that you
really like, they will either move it or the company will discontinue it.

  24. The driving of all the other people on the road has become
markedly worse in the past few years.

  25. The first testicular guard, the “Cup," was used in Hockey in
1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100
years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Life just gets
better as you get older, doesn't it?

  And lastly butt not leastly:
  I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started
rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was
packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce
embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of
songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that
everyone was staring at me.
  I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod with
headphones.........

  SO, and how's your day going ???

Subject: THIS IS JUST GREAT.
This is called FAST THINKING

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced
to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I
have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it
there is ... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is
Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO
Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians,
Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, Indonesians,
Malays or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear,
"That's because it takes place in the future..."

An oldie, but a goody . . . .

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector who is also a very rich
tycoon,
"I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.

The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day so let's hear the good news
first”.
The lawyer says:  “Your wife invested $50 in two pictures today that she
figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically, “Well done, very good news indeed!
You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers:  “They are pictures of you screwing your
secretary”.

Subject: Beware of older men

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am 'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on
her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you
tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds

Subject: Positive Attitude

  An example of Positive Attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness...
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU with tubes up his
nose, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over
him.
Slowly he realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident, with major
injuries to his body.
She gave him a deep look straight into his eyes, and he heard her slowly
say,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow through the oxygen mask, he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel
your breasts then?"

THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

Please respect the environment; only print this email if you need to.

Subject: Fw: Newfie Group session

Group Therapy.... Only in Newfoundland..
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"he observed. To
the first mother, (from Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal) Ann: "Your obsession
is with
money.  Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol, quietly got
up,
took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,"Come on, D*ck, this guy has
no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school
and go get dinner.

Subject: THE Blonde ( BRILLIANT )

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it
under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold
to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.
Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry
'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants
to have s*x!'
(You gotta love this).............................................
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog.'

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From: Wally
ubject: You Know It's Summer In Australia When!

1) The best parking spot is determined by shade not distance
2) Hot water comes out of both taps
3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
4) The temperature drops below 32°C and you feel chilly
5) You discover that in January and February, it only takes two fingers to
steer a car
6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen
7) You develop a fear of metal door handles
8) You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7 am
9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if I get knocked out and end
up lying on the road and getting cooked"
10) You realise asphalt has a liquid state
11) Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from
laying hard boiled eggs
12) The trees are whistling for dogs
13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a
tightrope act on the white lines in the car park
14) You catch a cold from having the air con on full blast all night long
15) You learn that  Shopping Centre's aren't just Shopping Centre's, they
are temples to worship Air-Conditioning
16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered
normal
17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack
18) A blackout is life threatening because your air con and your fans no
longer work.
19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on
20) You keep anything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing
21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a
regatta.
22) The effort of towelling yourself off after a shower means you need
another shower right away.
23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.
24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and kill
you

Subject: Fun Facts

1.) In Japan, Ronald McDonald is called Donald McDonald due to a lack of a
clear "r" sound in Japanese.

2.) In Texas, it is legal to kill Big Foot if you ever find it.

3.) The word pencil comes from a Latin word meaning "small penis.”

4.) The founder of Match.com lost his girlfriend to a man she met on
Match.com.

5.) In Spanish, the word "esposas" means both "wives" and "handcuffs.”

6.) Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second (7 mph).

7.) The only member of the band "ZZ Top" without a beard is named Frank
Beard.

8.) In Greek mythology, it was believed that redheads turn into vampires
when they die.

9.) West Side Story was originally called East Side Story.

10.) Reincarnation is forbidden in China without government permission.

11.) Shakira was rejected from the school choir because the teacher thought
she sounded like a goat.

12.) Saddam Hussein used Whitney Houston's song, "I Will Always Love
You"for his 2002 campaign.

13.) In Dorset, Minnesota, a 3-year-old boy was elected mayor.

14.) In Oklahoma, it's illegal to take a bite out of another person's
hamburger.

15.) The word "mortgage" comes from a French word that means "death
contract."

16.) Paris Syndrome is a disorder, mainly suffered by Japanese people,
caused after realizing Paris isn't what they expected.

17.) The scientific name for the Western lowland gorilla is Gorilla gorilla
gorilla.

18.) In 2011, a woman bought a "non-visible" piece of art for $10,000.

 19.) Most people can't distinguish expensive wines from inexpensive ones,
a study proved.

20.) 7% of religious Americans pray to God about finding a good parking
spot.

21.) 55% of Americans think they are smarter than the average American.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so. "
Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated:

"Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at s*x than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Subject: Little Johnny again

Clive Palmer was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the
middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Palmer if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious politician asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that
would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Palmer. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
I'm afraid not', explained Palmer, 'that's what we would refer to as a
great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Palmer searched the
room.
Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
If a plane carrying you and Lazarus and Lambie, and all the other P.U.P.
members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Palmer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a 
tragedy?'Well', said Johnny, it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a  accident either!'

Subject:  VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

7 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably
never be able to support you.

8 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

9 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

10 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course; He'll shut up once you let him in.

11 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's s*x drive
by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

12 - Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women
who don't own a gun.

  IN GOD WE TRUST

Watch the 7 second video FIRST and  then read what is below on this page
 Click here

This video is of actual Detectives attempting to stop a CRIMINAL in
Chicago.  It was taken by a
Police Officer Videographer who was also in harm's way.

WATCH the Video First... Two or Three Times if You Want... (and) THEN Read
The Text Below...

DON'T READ UNTIL YOU WATCH THE VIDEO! Please remember these cops acted in
real time.

THIS PERSON DOES GET SHOT BY THE DETECTIVES. THIS IS FOR REAL. Don't scroll
down and read until you see this 8 sec. video.

WHAT DID YOU SEE???? Officers ordered the suspect to put
the assault rifle down, and that is  what he is doing, Right? it appears he
is complying and then they shoot him! OMG, he is shot!
Is that what you saw? Do you want to know what it is like
to work the streets as a cop, and what  risks our Officers face daily?
Watch the video again... Watch the suspect's right hand while he places the
rifle down with his left hand. What you don't see by facing this Criminal
face to face, but the Officer behind the suspect does see, is the suspect
pulling a hidden handgun from his rear pants, with his right hand - the
back-up yells "Gun" before firing.

Watch as the bad guy goes down..... the handgun is still in
his right hand. This is a reminder... What you think you see does not
always tell the truth.

Watch it again, and learn! NOW, pass this on to EVERYONE on
your email list, so they can do the same. It's time for Mr. and Mrs.
Citizen as well as the Media have a better understanding of why people
REALLY get shot and WHY our Officers are always in Jeopardy.
Think I would rather  try to ride a bull for 8 seconds, how
about you?

Subject:  Church Ladies with typewriters
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the
church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon
tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered..

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
--------------------------

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the
back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Consciousness, that awkward time between naps.

Subject: Scary stuff a must watch
Before you post any photos online

Watch the short video...............

This will be an eye opener for many people, but posting pictures on-line
can really put you, your family and your possessions at "risk".

Be very, very careful what and where you post your photos.
 Click here

Subject:  A small white dot.

A third grade class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied.
'I can see that,' said the teacher,'but what is so exciting about a period?
Buggered if I know,'he said,'but this morning my sister was missing one, my
mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the
Navy.

Subject:  The Mountie

A woman went into a bar and saw a Canadian Mountie with his feet propped up
on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. She asked him if was
true what they say about men with big feet.
The Mountie grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come
over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered. nobody ever
paid me for my services before."
She told him, "Don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself boots
that fit.

Subject: LIBERAL PARADISE
Thought for Today :

A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed
employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free
housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has
guns.

And believe it or not, such a place does, indeed, exist. It's called
prison.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Maricopa County Sheriff

Subject: Incredible Israeli Invention (and another chanced upon)

I want one of these
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: That half-second before....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Steve
Subject: Hoot!
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: From The Independent 23/1/15
 Click here

MOTORISTS, if not cyclists, would have laughed at a witty addition to a
Bike Safe sign, pictured, on the Bellarine Hwy near Whittington recently.
(Theyre worse than Kidney stones)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: One of a Kind Rides
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Squashed that little green bug flat. Imagine if it caught fire!

  Only 64 cylinders sucking fuel.

A cab over Mercedes 600 pickup?

Cruising the hood.

Sat*rday night special - off to the drive-in.

A little extreme.

32 cylinder Mustang.

Don't tailgate.

Someone is missing a roof.

A job well done.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: Australia day
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

"A child of five would understand this. Someone fetch a child of five."
- Groucho Marx.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

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[ End friday humour ]

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