Friday humour - January 23, 2015

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

One of our valiant Friday Humour editors, Gussius, has this week suffered a
serious health challenge. All of us at Bluehaze wish him a speedy complete
recovery.

This weeks offering provided by Burnout, Clooney's Twin, Digi Steve, Duke
of Barsinov, Mellybear, Notingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally,
Whizzbang, and others. Enjoy!

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Some old guys will do anything not to lose a golf ball...
 Click here

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Ice Shack....Only in Wisconsin!!!!

For my friends who love to fish.
Good old Wisconsin ingenuity.
 Click here

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Storms and Bad Road Conditions

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should
ensure that they have the following:
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra winter clothing including coats, hat and gloves
Water 24 hours worth of food
De-icer fluid
Rock salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road flares or reflective triangles
5-gallon gas can
First aid kit
Booster cables

I looked like an idiot when I got on the Senior Bus this morning.

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USAF Flash Mob @ the Smithsonian  Click here

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Nice timing!
 Click here

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Naval Museum.
 Click here

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Woman getting on bus

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the first step of the
bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large man standing behind her picked her up easily by
the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled and said, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

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Popes' Illness.

The Pope was very ill, and nobody could cure him.

The cardinals called in an old physician recommended to them.

After an hour long examination, he comes up with a solution.

"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The Pope has a
rare testicular disorder. The good news: He can be cured....with s*x."

The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explains the situation to the Pope.

"I'll agree to it," says the Pope. "But under four conditions."

The cardinals were shocked." What are the four conditions?" asks one.

"First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having
s*x.

Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having s*x.

And third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom she is
having s*x, she can tell no one."

After a long pause, a cardinal asks, "And the fourth condition ?"

"Big Tits please".

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CIRC*MCISION DISQUALIFIES A POLITICIAN
A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist: "I would
like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an
Independent candidate.
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form until he came to the question,''Are you
circ*mcised?'' So he asked the receptionist , "Is that question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circ*mcised you are not eligible". He asked what
difference it would make if he was circ*mcised?
She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete pr*ck " --

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Cabinet will meet this morning to start formulating ideas for the coming
week's health policy - three days before the new week actually starts.

"This is an important policy area, so we need to give it proper
consideration," Health Minister Sussan Ley said.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott reiterated his new Minister's strong words.

"This next policy will stand the test of time - it will serve Australians
until at least the end of next week, possibly into the following week.
That's why we've put aside an entire morning to discuss options. We'll
probably give it some thought over the weekend as well".

Although there was speculation in the media about what the next policy
might be, Mr Abbott would not be drawn into the debate.

"What's important is that we don't get ahead of ourselves here; we need to
be patient; we need to be methodical. We will deliver a policy that's right
for next week, and we'll announce that in due course," he said.

For more breaking stories, follow The Shovel on Facebook and Twitter or
sign up for email updates at the bottom of this page.

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DISTRESS AT 18,000 FEET

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin
engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land-line rang and was answered
by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a
cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday. The pilot had an instant and
fatal heart attack. I grabbed his mobile phone out of his pocket and he had
told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am
flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm
down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic, remain calm".

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of
me".

Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling
at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".

Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "Because the sh*t in my pants is sliding out of my collar."

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MAN JOKE

Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in Casualty.

When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it ... Never saw her once.

She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving.

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2014 Tornados in the US
 Click here

Flying an Airbus A310 Indoors
 Click here

Jet does the Limbo
 Click here

Doritos
 Click here

Straya
 Click here

You Can't Drown Fire Ants
 Click here

Royal Canadian Mint
 Click here

Thank You Guardian Angel
 Click here

Landing at Isafjordur Airport, Iceland
 Click here

One Million Firecrackers Going Off
 Click here

Flying in 1958
 Click here

Bathroom at the Gas Station
 Click here

Thank You Mr. Policeman
 Click here

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Crocodile shoes

An Australian blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin.

She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local shops were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "No haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde standing waist
deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre crocodile swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto
the slimy banks of the river.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the crocodile onto its back, and screaming
in great frustration she shouts out...
"B*******, this ones got no shoes on either!"

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What's for lunch?
 Click here

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Steak
 Click here

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A farmer sold a dead horse

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer
agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up
to Chucks house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse
died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with
that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece
and made a profit of $2495.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works now for the government.

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Had me worried for a moment.
 Click here
Calm down, it's the other chick's hand.

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Wine Wisdom
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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FlavorStone Pancake

A bizarre Japanese commercial for FlavorStone cookware, features 100 maids,
with 100 frying pans, elaborately cooking a single pancake, by sliding it
from pan to pan, throughout several rooms, and floors of a mansion.
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Delsey Pluggage (Smart Luggage) 
 Click here

Sticky (Extinct Species)
 Click here

How They make Dutch Wooden Clogs
 Click here

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The plumber [XXX]
 Click here

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Why is it called a "Grandfather clock"?
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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