Friday humour - January 16, 2015

Gussius @ Bluehaze

As we enter the 100th anniversary of the WW1 years; billed as the 'war
to end all wars' it seems the entire world is preparing centennial
commemorations in their own way. For Australia and NZ, Gallipoli has a
particular significance.

Gallipoli is in Turkey, which until the world map was redrawn at the end of
the war, was part of the shrinking Ottoman Empire and one time home of the
Caliphate. It could be a coincidence, but the power, religious and
political struggles in recent times seem to have developed a growing
intensity and relabelled as Terrorism.

There's a saying that goes: 'the line between good and evil doesn't
divide men, in goes through them'. History tells us that over the last
1000 years we gave those opposite, a jolly good Rogering in the Great War
and well before that in the Crusades by Kings, Popes and George Bush. So
what we now call terrorist attacks are merely a glitch in the matrix.

To believe otherwise is just paranoia.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Burnout, Duke of Barsinov,
Nottingham Smithie, Wally, Whizzbang, Anatinus, Clooney's Twin and Sack.

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Do You Pass the Israel Test?:
Wow.
 Click here

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Sale!:
 Click here

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Irish jokes:

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
 An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
 Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
 ----------------------- ------------ --------------
An answer I can understand.
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"They have to go backwards.
If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
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 And saving the best 'til last ...
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers,
and drags him in. She lies back on the couch,
pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the
flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'

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National Museum of the U.S Air Force:

Worth a look if you've got a few minutes
 Click here

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Not all as it seems:

One has to be so careful!!
 Click here

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 How to Talk Australian (Volume 7):
 Click here

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The Fastest Trains in the World:

10. TSHR 700T

This train runs the line between Taipei and Kaohsiung in Taiwan. With a top
speed of 300Km/h (185mph), the THSR 700T shortened travel time between
these two cities from 4 hours to 1.5 hours. The initial investment for the
production of the first 30 trains cost approximately $3.4 billion.

9. ETR Frecciarossa Trains

These refurbished trains travel at speeds of 300Km/h (185mph) between Rome
and Milan, Italy. They are equipped with climate-control and an advanced
silencing system, as well as ergonomic seats meant to provide with the
utmost comfort for passengers.

8. TVG Duplex

It took eight years to develop the TGV Duplex. It has 512 seats, divided
into upper and lower decks. Itâs built of light-weight aluminum and mainly
runs on the Paris-Marsalis line, as well as several others. (Top speed â
300Km/h)

7. Alstom Euroduplex

This trainâs career began in 2011 and was the only one of its series to be
upgraded to a duplex train capable of running at 320Km/h (198mph), while
carrying 1,020 passengers. These trains were designed to work in Germany,
France, Switzerland and Luxemburg.

6. 320E5 Series Shinkansen Hayabusa

The fastest train in Japan entered service in 2011 and can reach speeds of
320Km/h (198mph). The train was designed with a unique elongated ânoseâ
to reduce the noise it creates as it travels through the many tunnels along
its path.

5. Taglo (T350)

Nicknamed âThe Duckâ thanks to the elongated front end, this train will
take you from Barcelona or Madrid to Valladolid in Spain, and in speeds of
350Km/h (217mph).

4. Siemens Velaro E / AVS 103

The fourth fastest train in the world travels the line between Madrid and
Barcelona on a track measuring 621Km (385 miles). It is the fastest train
in Spain and reaches speeds of 350Km/h, though during one ride it went as
fast as 403Km/h (250mph)!

3. AVG Italo

The most modern train in Europe started its service in 2012 and runs the
Naples-Rome-Florence-Milan-Bologna line. This 360Km/h (223mph) train is
known for its comfortable seats, low maintenance, energy efficiency and the
quietness of the cabins.

2. Harmony CRH 380E

If you travel between Shanghai and Beijing, take the Harmony lines. It took
four and a half years to build the tracks, cost upwards of $17 billion and
is now the worldâs second-fastest train. Before the construction of this
line, the 1,000Km (621 miles) drive would take about 10 hours. Now, this
long ride takes less than 3 hours, and the train rockets at speeds of
380Km/h (236mph).

1. Shanghai Maglev

The journey from Shanghai to Shanghai Airport only takes 7 minutes and 20
seconds, thanks to the incredible maglev train. This train uses magnets to
levitate above the tracks, thus reducing friction and reaching speeds of
430Km/h (267mph).

Bonus: The Hyperloop

In late 2013, the CEO of Tesla Motors, Mr. Elon Musk, introduced his plans
to revolutionize transportation by constructing a Hyperloop train. The
Hyperloop is an enclosed track in a vacuum, in which pressurized capsules
carry people and cargo at speeds of between 962Km/h and 1,220 Km/h (598mph
â 760mph). Such speeds will mean that travel between New York and Los
Angeles would only take 45 minutes!

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70 years ago and today in the same photo:

How things looked in 1944 and how they look today.

To get this link to work. Left click, hold and drag your mouse gently from
right to left on the original photo and it will become the exact same
location today. Repeat the motion to take it back to the original.
 Click here

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Guys Prayer:
 Click here

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Old Games for free:
 Click here

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Prime Minister Tony Abbott in all his Eloquence:
 Click here

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Very Rare Historical Photographs:
 Click here
Children play with a wad of money in the period of hyperinflation. Germany
1922.
 Click here
Nazi Parade in Buckeburg 1934
 Click here
The Nazis turmoil people to join the boycott of Jewish shops, 1933.
 Click here
Jewish Woman in Austria sits on the bench with the inscription "for Jews
only."
 Click here
SS soldiers take an oath of loyalty to the Fuehrer - Munich 1938.
 Click here
The applause and a standing ovation after Hitler's successful annexation of
Austria 1938.
 Click here
Einstein on the Beach
 Click here
Frozen Soviet soldiers, mounted in a standing position by Finnish soldiers
as psychological pressure
 Click here
Tsarist secret police dossier on Joseph Stalin, 1911.
 Click here
Joseph Stalin (right) and his counterpart Felix Dudayev.
 Click here
Stalin's son Yakov Dzhugashvili is caught by the Germans in 1941. He was
later killed in a prison camp
 Click here
German soldier shares food with a Russian woman with a child.
 Click here
Soldiers using the flamethrower.

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Willie Nelson, Poet:
 Click here

The younger generation may not know it but at one time Willie Nelson was
songwriter of the year. Such songs as "Hello Wall", "Crazy" sung by Patsy
Cline. "Funny how Time Slips Away" & a host of other favorites. He is also
a well recognized poet in his own circle of friends.

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a
deep thinker. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from
that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer,
on his 80th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such
wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his
feelings at this turning point in his life.

"I have outlived my Pecker."
A Poem - by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the "friggin thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

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Random act of kindness:
 Click here

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Man's best friend knows CPR:
 Click here

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Keep the uneducated off the internet with captcha:
 Click here

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Some chuckles:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Pickering usually goes over the top:
 Click here
But this obviously needs to have the crackling a little crispier.

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Signs you'll see in Australia:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Cartoonists:
 Click here

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Theirs & Ours:
 Click here Click here
You wonder why they hate us !!

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Interesting Maps:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

1. This map shows the world divided into 7 sections, with each section
containing 1 billion people.

2. This map shows (in white) where 98 percent of Australia 's population
lives.

3. It may not come as a surprise but more people live inside the circle
than outside of it.

4. This map shows what is on the other side of the world from where you are
standing. For the most part it will probably be water.

5. Apparently you can't get Big Macs everywhere. This map shows (in red)
the countries that have McDonalds.

6. This map shows the countries (in blue) where people drive on the left
side of the road.

7. This map shows countries (in white) that England has never invaded.
There are only 22 of them.

8. The line in this map shows all of the world's Internet connections in
1969.

9. This map shows the countries that heavily restricted Internet access in
2013.

10. This map shows (in red) countries that were all Communist at one point
in time.

11. This map shows (in red) the countries that don't use the metric system.

12. This map shows (in blue) places where Google street view is available.

13. This map shows (in green) all the landlocked countries of the world.

14. And this is what the world would look like if all the countries with
coast lines sank.

15. This is a map of the all the rivers in the United States.

16. And these are all the rivers that feed into the Mississippi River.

17. This is a map of the highest paid public employees in the United
States.

18. This map shows how much space the United States would occupy on the
moon.

19. This map shows the longest straight line you can sail. It goes from
Pakistan all the way to Kamchatka Peninsula in Russia for a total of 20,000
miles.

20. This is a map of 19th century shipping lanes that outlines the
continents.

21. This map shows (in navy blue) every country that has ever operated an
aircraft carrier.

22. This map highlights the countries (in red and orange) with the most
skyscr*pers.

23. This map shows (in red, orange, and yellow) the world's largest donors
of foreign aid with red being the biggest donor.

24. This map shows the most photographed places in the world.

25. And this map shows all the places where you can get eaten by a Great
White shark!

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Blonde using a Drill:
 Click here Click here

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Anybody Like Friends?:
 Click here

Season 1 (All episodes at Once ... Why???)
 Click here

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Quick test, not associated with the above .....
 Click here

Answer: Who said 9?

Answer 1  NONE, the other 9 would fly away.

Answer 2  NONE, the hunter missed, and they all flew away.

Answer 3  ONE, the dead one, because the other 9 would fly away.

Answer 4  NINE, the hunter used a silencer, and the nine didn't hear the
bullet. The dead one was shot off the roof.

Answer 5  TEN, the hunter used a silencer, and the nine didn't hear the
bullet. The dead one was not shot off the roof.

Answer 6 - TEN, the hunter used a silencer, he missed, and the ten didn't
hear the bullet.

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Old Blue:
 Click here Click here

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester, he has squandered all of his money. He calls
home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing,
they actually have a program here in Brisbane, that will teach our dog Old
Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Old Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get
him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home.
'So how's Old Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm, but you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Old Blue in that
program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
father is all excited.

'Where's Old Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Old Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me
and asked, 'So, is your old man still bonking that little redhead barmaid
at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard, before he
talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.

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Clever Restaurant Names:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Link & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Chain Reaction
 Click here

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The Joys of Love:
 Click here Click here
 Click here
 Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Great Photos
 Click here

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Warwick in the Outback:
 Click here

Dave was in a pub at Gympie during the Gympie Country Music Festival.

This really brutally ugly woman pressed up against him, squeezed his bum
and said, "Give me your number, s*xy."

Before Wazza could stop himself, he replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

"Well" Dazza said "you'd better get back to it, before the farmer notices
you're missing."

Have you heard from her? I gave her Mirras number.

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Kiwis:
 Click here

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Two Tasmanians:

Two Tasmanians were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first Tasmanian says to the second, "If I was to sneak
over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishin, and
she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?

The second Tasmanian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd
make us even."

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Red Bull:
 Click here

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World Cup refund:
 Click here

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain
personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to
Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the
transaction.

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[ End friday humour ]

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