Friday humour - January 02, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

Well now, that's another year done. Older and wiser, it seems so. However
the human jungle out there, seems as stupid and as stuffed up as ever.
Fortunately, we few, we lucky few have Bluehaze & FH to lighten our load.
To bring us a little mirth, to brighten our week.
Enjoy 2015 as best you can.....

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Warning: The Things Your Burglar Won`t Tell You...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Subject: How to talk Aussie; Somethin some of you really need to know:

A whole series is here, enjoy them all:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: KRP
Subject: Thai Fireworks
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: Fw: Something to offend everyone!
News flashes:

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's
all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely
race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
s*xual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min
(charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard
asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback
when I replied, "Facebook".

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having s*x there and then............ God, I love my
new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a
small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of
ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that s*x is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong
but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift
this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a
cherry on my head. …...............Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

Subject: riddles

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a
Claus.

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy
with the suit gets all the credit.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it
soot's him

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath
them.

Q: What do you call a broke Santa? Saint-NICKEL-LESS

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary
alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? O Camel Ye Faithful.

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? Mistletoe.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite

What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents? Silent Night

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer? Because every buck is dear to
him!

What did the snowman eat? Icebergs with chilly sauce.

What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer

Why doesn't Mr. Krabs celebrate Christmas? Cause he's "Shell-Fish"

What do you call a scary reindeer? A Cariboo.

What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence? A Santa clause

What do you call a wet animal? "A reindeer"

What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can't hear
you.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south
for the winter. What goes "oh oh oh"? A: Santa walking backwards

What do you call a smelly Santa? "Farter Christmas"

What did the little elves have to do when they got home from school?
Gnome-work!

Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs? Santa paws!

Who delivers Christmas presents to cats? Santa claws!

Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can hoe hoe hoe

What do you call an elf that sings? ELFIS

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"? Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him
names"

The 4 stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don’t believe
in Santa Claus 3. You dress up as Santa Claus 4. You look like Santa Claus.

All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuu........to get hit by a reindeer

Last Christmas, I gave you my scarf but the very next day, you called it
"dumb and gay"

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus. He gives me presents and is
imaginary.

May Christmas be about what's in your Heart and not what's in your pocket!

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, your body
rejected the transplant and you died.

A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr. and Mrs. Hall are not very
happy.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job
the next day.

Subject: Southwest Flight attendents saftey talk.

If I could pretend to have your attention for just a few moments, my ex
husband, my new boyfriend and their divorce attorney are gonna show you the
safety features about this 737-800 series.

It's been a long day for me.

To properly fasten your seatbelts, slide the flat into the buckle; to
release, lift up on the buckle. Position your seatbelt tight and low across
your hips like my grandmother wears her support bra.
If you get mad and you wanna take the tour alone, there are eight ways to
get there! Two forward exit doors, wing window exits, two rear doors. Signs
overhead, disco lights on the floor leading to each exit.
Everybody gets a door prize in the seat back pocket in front of you along
with dirty diapers, chewing gum wrappers, banana peels and all other gifts
you leave us from time to time. Take it out, check it out. You'll notice in
the highly unlikely event that the captain lands us near a hot tub,
everyone gets their very own teeny weeny yellow Southwest bikini! One size
fits all. Take it out of its holder, place it over your head, wrap that
strap around your waist, buckle it and pull to tighten. Once that's on,
pull on the tab to make it inflate; to re-inflate, blow on the tube at your
shoulder.
The flight attendants are coming by hoping you'll tell them how good
looking they are. We're gonna make sure your seats and tray tables are in
the full upright and absolutely most uncomfortable position possible, and
that your carry-on items are currently stored completely under the seat in
front of you leaving absolutely no room for your knees or feet.
As you know, it's a no smoking, no whining, no complaining flight. It's a
"Please and thank you" and "You are such a good looking flight attendant"
flight. Smoking is never allowed on board a Southwest. If you're caught
smoking in the lavatories the fine for that is $2000, and if you wanna pay
that for your air fare, you should have flown somebody else. If we do make
you that nervous in the next hour and a half, you're more than welcome to
step outside. We don't discriminate at Southwest, we have a special smoking
section just for you. We'll even show you a movie tonight! We have: Up In
The Air.
The flight attendant serving you tonight is Wendy and her motto is if you
can light it, you can smoke it! Federal law prohibits tampering with,
disabling or destroying any smoke detector or webcam in either of our
lavatories.
Federal aviation regulations require passenger compliance with any
passenger information signs and plastic placards. Basically, just do what
we say and nobody gets hurt.
And although we never anticipate a loss in cabin pressure (if we did, we
certainly wouldn't be at work tonight), but if needed four oxygen masks
drop from the compartment overhead. Stop screaming, let go of your
neighbor, pull until that plastic tubing is fully extended, place the mask
over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. To activate the flow of
oxygen, simply insert 75 cents for the first minute, and 15 cents for
[every minute after that?]. Although that plastic bag may not inflate, you
are receiving lots and lots of "gin". Oxygen that is.
And if you're travelling with small children, we're sorry. If you're
travelling with more than one child, pick out the one that you think might
have the most earning potential down the road. And if you're travelling
with somebody needing very special assistance, like your husband (bless his
heart), or your wife, put on your mask first.
That's it for the dos and donts of show and tell. Sit back and relax, or
you can sit up and be tense, either way. You're already on our flight [...]
the clock's already ticking.
Seriously, if there is anything we could do to make your flight more
enjoyable please tell us... just as soon as we land in Salt Lake City. And
if there is anything you could do to make our flight more enjoyable, we'll
tell you immediately. We're not shy at Southwest. That's what you call very
cheap entertainment. No one has to pay any extra but you certainly don't
get a refund! Thank you for choosing Southwest, welcome aboard!"

Subject: Irregular Sleigh Vehicle Towed Back To North Pole

By The Shovel on December 24, 2014

A large sleigh, which was attempting to smuggle thousands of presents into
Australia, has been turned around and towed back to the North Pole,
outgoing Immigration Minister Scott Morrison has confirmed.

“While I obviously can’t comment on the specifics, what I will say is
that this is proof once again that our strengthened border security
measures are working,” Mr Morrison said.

There have been suggestions on talkback radio that the man in charge of the
vehicle had a long beard.

More to come.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: This joke was nominated for best joke of the year
We don't know which year it was nominated. We have been editing around this
joke on
BH since April, 2006. - ED.

Russian arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada . He ops the first
person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Canadian
for letting me into this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps,
free medical care, free money to spend and a free education!"

The passerby says,
"You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in Canada ."
The person says, "I not Canadian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful
Canada !"
That person puts up his hand and says,
"I am from Middle East . I am not Canadian

He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
“Are you a Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ".
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Canadians?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: Only a farm kid would see it like that.

Only a farm kid would see it this way!‏
When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy say's, "I know where all the
tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your
Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...then say's, "You'll have to talk to my Dad
about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but
I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: FW: Missing Letter "R"

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be
picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R!
We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ...............CELEBRATE!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Hearing

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and
went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. 
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that
the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me..

Subject: YOU MIGHT GET A KICK OUT OF THIS.....
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: So True

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government
'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then
he calmly replied:
"When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty kangaroo,
Plenty fish,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having s*x."
Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only whitefella bloody stupid
enough to think he could improve a system like that."

Subject: How dumb are these idiots
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: AGING WELL
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: KRP
Subject: North Korea Internet
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie

Subject: AS WE AGE CARTOONS
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack

Subject: political cartoons
 Click here Click here Click here

Subject: Bingo!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: Friends at a bar
 Click here

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Bob,

"That'll be us in ten years."

He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb sh*t."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: 10 X Funny Police Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Links & Photos

They Made a Difference
 Click here

7 Beatle’s Christmas Songs
 Click here

World Opera Houses
 Click here

Doggy Half-Time Show
 Click here

Freedom is Not Free
 Click here

How an Airbus A350A is Made
 Click here

Kids Flashmob in Paris
 Click here

Subject: Wally's Words of Wisdom
 Click here Click here

Subject: Most_Majestic_Bookstore
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

World’s Most Majestic Bookstore

Housed in a magnificent early 20th century theatre, El Ateneo Grand
Splendid in Buenos Aires, Argentina, is one of the biggest bookstores in
South America, and thanks to the vision of architects Peró and Torres
Armengol, it is now one of the most beautiful bookstores in the world.  The
building originally housed the theatre Teatro Grand Splendid in the 1920s
that held popular shows, including performances by the famous tango singers
Carlos Gardel and Ignacio Corsini. Later, it was converted into a movie
theatre and showed the first sound films presented in Argentina.  Grand
Splendid was once again briefly converted back into a theatre, and then
back to a movie house.  After the last screening in 1991, poor economic
condition forced the theatre to be closed down.  It was slated for
demolition, until the Ilhsa Group, owner of the El Ateneo publishing house,
stepped in.  They bought the building in 2000, and subsequently renovated,
and converted it into a book, and music shop. It quickly gained recognition
as one of the world’s most majestic bookstores.  As part of the
renovation, the cinema seating was removed, and replaced with book shelves,
but most of the original interior architectural details were retained,
including the brilliant frescoed ceilings painted by the Italian artist
Nazareno Orlandi, and caryatids sculpted by Troiano Troiani.  Still intact
are the elegant rounded balconies, detailed trimmings, the auditorium
lighting and plush red stage curtains.  The ornate theatre boxes fitted
with comfortable chairs, allow customers to relax with a book before
purchase.  There is now a cafe on the back of what was once the stage.  A
live pianist performs on stage in the afternoons and, thanks to the great
acoustics, can be heard throughout the store.  El Ateneo Grand Splendid, is
just one of a chain of bookstores in 40 locations throughout the country. 
Needless to say, the one in Buenos Aires is the grandest of them all.  It
is also one of the most popular bookstores in the city, with more than a
million visitors passing through annually, to gawk at the architecture.

Subject: The Secrets of Nimrud
 Click here

The Secrets of Nimrud (or Saddam’s Treasures)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: A true story
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

“If you asked me for my New Years resolution, it would be to find out who
I am.” - Cyril Cusack

Attachments area

Preview YouTube video How to Talk Australians - Episode 2: ‘GRUB’

Preview YouTube video 3rd world space programme?

Preview YouTube video Greatest Game of HORSE 2 | Brodie Smith

Preview YouTube video Beans

Preview YouTube video Eagle's Game 2014

Preview YouTube video Le flashmob des Prodiges

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (December 26, 2014)  Index Next (January 09, 2015)