Friday humour - December 19, 2014

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Seasons greetings to all.
 Click here

Contributions this week came down the Bluehaze chimney from Anonymous3,
Burnout, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, Whizzbang, Arfermo, Clooney's Twin, 
Duke of Barsinov, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Wally and were closely 
watched by the internet spook elves.

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Rare warbirds:
 Click here

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CHRISTMAS SHARING--TIME OUT FROM WAR
Every Christmas, British companies have sort of an unofficial competition
to see who can have the best commercial--and they are normally really good.
This one is from Sainsbury's, a grocery store.

The video recreates the historic WW1 Christmas Day truce between the Brits
and the Germans. It's really cool and pretty accurate.
 Click here

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Selective incidence:
Below is a discourse between a religious zealot and an acedemic in the US,
whilst the 'gotcha' is funny, deserving it's addition here.
There are a couple of lessons in this exchange which some could use in
there own lives.

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox
Jew, homos*xuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and
cannot be condoned under any circ*mstance....

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US
academic and posted on the internet... It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with
as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homos*xual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of
God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homos*xuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27.
How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we
just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people
who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help....

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of
Virginia

PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)

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Goodbye:
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened
to her prayers which ended by her saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless
Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say 'good-bye Grandpa?'"

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."

The next day Grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and
good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy cr*p!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other
side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy...."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs all
day. He had lunch and watched the clock all afternoon... He figured if he
could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every
sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went
home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's
the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of
my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened
to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting..."

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Indigenous GPS:
 Click here

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Comedy 1923-Style:
 Click here

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On the 4th hole:

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well known golf course on the
edge of Derby, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps
from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady
says, He is definitely not my husband.
The second lady gazes at his manhood and says, He is not mine either.
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, He's not
even a member of this club!

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Abbott deletes Australia to avoid climate shame:
From the front page
Following a report released at international negotiations in Peru that
names Australia the worst-performing industrial country in the world on
climate change, Prime Minister Tony Abbott announced that Australia would
be declassified as a country. In the eventuality that we can't compete on
an environmental platform, we will delete Australia as a country
completely, Abbott explained. It's easier this way.

By officially ceasing to be a nation, the world would just have to accept
that the enormous carbon emissions exactly where Australia used to be are
now just naturally occurring, the prime minister continued. Sure, we'd
become a nationless collective of vagrants, but it's better than being
constantly reminded I'm personally responsible for smothering future
generations with a carbon pillow. I hope everyone will get on board with
Team Nowhere.

ABC Managing Director Mark Scott is said to be relieved, as it will no
longer be possible for the ABC to be un-Australian... Former citizens of
Australia are advised, if challenged by foreigners pointing to Australia on
world maps, to explain that it is simply a patch of land-coloured ocean.
Hopefully this will also send a strong message to boat people trying to get
to Australia illegally, said Immigration Minister Scott Morrison. Now that
Australia doesn't exist, it's hard to imagine what reason anybody might
have to come here.

In other news:

Scott Morrison Begins Disembowelling the Weak and Vulnerable After Senate
Grants Him New Powers

In Bid To Cease Promotion of Violence, Target Changes Its Own Name

News Corp Poll Finds Minus 37% of People Support Renewable Energy

Obama Announces Drone Accidentally Hit Its Target

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Crabby Old Woman:

When an old woman died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in
Moosomin, Saskatchewan, it was believed that she had nothing left of any
value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meagre possessions,
they found this poem.

Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and
distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to
Alberta.

The old woman's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the
Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for
Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple,
but eloquent, poem.

And this little old woman, with nothing left to give to the world, is now
the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Lady

What do you see nurses? .. .. .. What do you see?
What are you thinking .. .. .. when you're looking at me?
A crabby old lady .. .. .. not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. .. .. with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food .. .. .. and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice .. .. ... 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice ...... .. .. the things that you do.
And forever is losing .. .. .. A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not .. .. .. lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding .. .. .. a long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? .. .. .. Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .. .. .. you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am .. .. .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. .. .. as I eat at your will.
I'm a small girl of Ten .. .. .. with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. .. ...... who love one another.

A young girl of Sixteen .. .. .. with wings on her feet.
Dreaming that soon now .. .. .. a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at Twenty .. .. .. my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .. that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now .. .. .. I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide .. .. .. a secure happy home.
A woman of Thirty .. .. .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other .. .. .. With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. .. .. have grown and are gone,
But my man is beside me .. .. ... to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. .. .. babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children .... .. .. My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .. .. .. my husband's now dead.
I look at the future .. .. .. and shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. .. .. young of their own.
And I think of the years .. .. .. and the love that I've known..

I'm now an old woman .. .. .. and nature is cruel.
'Tis jest to make old age .. .. .. look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. .. grace and vigor depart.
There is now a stone .. .. .. where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass .. .. .. a young girl still dwells,
And now and again ..... .. .. my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys .. .. .. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living .. .. .. life over again.

I think of the years, all too few .. .. .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact .. .. .. that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. .. .. open and see.
Not a crabby old woman .. .. .. look closer .. .. .. see ME!!

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Ho ho:

Reverend Al

I have always questioned if Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were really
preachers since they have no church.When I heard Al Sharpton was the guest
preacher at a black Las Vegas Church, I decided to check him out in person
and see what it was all about.I sat down and Sharpton came up to me. I
don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the
Church.He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of
Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."I
told him I was not paralyzed. He laid his hands on me again and repeated
the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.After the
sermon I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my fricking car had been
stolen!

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10 years of Budweiser commercials:
 Click here
If only all commercials were this imaginative

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Old LUX Press advertisement:
I cant believe this, what year was it,
I know there was some unusual adds BUT..
 Click here

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Dear Mr Prime Minister...:

Dear Mr Abbott,

After 5 years of the smoking ban, two thousand pubs have disappeared.

Just imagine what could disappear if you banned "Halal Meat"!
..............

Give it some thought please!!!

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Mothers:
 Click here

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Great Photos - Famous Historic Moments:
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A view from behind the Lincoln statue during Martin Luther King Jr.'s I
have a dream speech. [28 August, 1963]

The recording of the MGM Lion. [1929]

A photograph taken by Scott's British Antarctic Expedition to the South
Pole, before they perished on their return journey. [1910]

German prisoners react to footage of concentration camps. [1945]

The models of American Gothic stand next to the painting

The Hollywood sign, shortly after it was installed. It originally read
Hollywoodland. [1923]

The Beatles during their shoot for Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
[1967]

Race organizers attempt to stop Kathrin Switzer from competing in the
Boston Marathon. She became the first woman to finish the race. [1967]

The traffic jam at the Brandenburg Gate as East and West Germans cross
freely on the first Sat*rday after the fall of the Berlin Wall. [November,
1989]
The filming of Batman and Robin.
Spectators standing upon couches, tables and chairs to see the signing of
the treaty of Versailles and the end of World War I. [1919]

Fidel Castro enjoying ice cream during a visit to a US military camp.
[1959]

The iceberg that is thought to have sunk the Titanic. Black and red paint
is smeared along the side. [1912]

Wilbur Wright circles the Statue of Liberty in the Model A. [29 September,
1909]

A Native American overlooks the newly completed Transcontinental railroad.
[1868]

African Americans protest against the war in Vietnam during the Harlem
Peace March. [1967]

The Tank Man standoff in Tiananmen Square. Tank Man is to the left of the
digger. [1989]

The aftermath of Victory over Japan Day in New York. [14 August, 1945]

The last few prisoners of Alcatraz leave as the prison is shut down for
good. [1963]

Neil Armstrong photographed by Buzz Aldrin, shortly after walking on the
moon. [1969]

An injured survivor of the Hindenburg smokes as he is carried to safety.[6
May, 1937]

An over the shoulder view of JFKâs âIch bin ein Berlinerâ speech. [1963]

The only known photograph of Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg, before giving
his famous address. [November 19, 1863]

Howard Carter Looking through the open doors of Tutankhamun's
Shrine.[January, 1924]

An East German guard passes a flower through a gap in the Berlin Wall on
the morning it was torn down. [1989]

Three men run in the marathon at the first modern Olympic Games. [1896]

Norway receive their first ever shipment of bananas. [1905]

Mourners climb telephone poles to get a view of Gandhi's funeral
procession. [1948]

Enlisted men aboard an American ship hear the news of Japanâs surrender.
[1945]

The first ever underground train journey. Edgware Road Station, London.
[1862]

The last known photo of the Titanic above water. [1912]

A photo taken in secret of the Supreme Court in session, one of only two
ever taken. [1932]

A large crowd, made up of many African Americans, mourn the death of
Abraham Lincoln outside the Courthouse in Vicksburg, Mississippi. [1865]

Salvador Dali kisses the hand of Raquel Welch after finishing his famous
portrait of her. [1965]

Crowds flock to the first World Series Game in New York. [1912]

The very first Rockefeller Christmas Tree is revealed to the public. [1931]

View from the top on the opening day of the Empire State Building. [1931]

Bird's eye view of JFK's funeral in the Capitol Building. [November, 1963]

Iranian forces look out at the iconic view of burning oil fields set alight
by Iraqi forces during the Gulf War. [1990]

Abraham Lincoln and General George McClellan in the general's tent at
Antietam [3 October, 1862]

Traffic on the Golden Gate Bridge moments after it opened seen from atop
one of the arches. [1937]

The back of the Hoover Dam just before it was submerged and never seen
again. [1936]

The unfinished Washington monument, abandoned after funds ran out and civil
war broke out. [c. 1857 - 75]

The photographs that inspired Norman Rockwell.

Jacqueline Kennedy backstage watching her husband during the first
televised debate against Richard Nixon. [1960]

Massive crowds gather for Woodstock. [1969]

Director Alfred Hitchc*ck on set during the filming of "The Birds." [c.
1962][a]

The Beatles walking back across Abbey Road after taking the photo for their
iconic album cover.

Onlookers react to the explosion of the Challenger shuttle. [January 28,
1986]

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The letter:
you can't win!!

One day, a Postal Worker was busy working at his job, processing all the
incoming mail that had an illegible address.
He came upon a letter simply addressed "To God", written in a shaky
handwriting.
The postal employee opened it for inspection.

The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension arrives.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I have invited my only two friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family
to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Please help me.
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker, deeply touched, showed the letter to his co-workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the
end of his shift, he had collected $96, which they then stuffed into an
envelope and sent to the woman..
The workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be
able to share with her friends..
Christmas came and went.
A few days after Christmas, another letter arrived. Just like the first
letter, it too, was addressed "To God".
The workers all gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and
I told my friends ofyour wonderful $100 gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
Know what I think? Must be those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna

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Doesn't This Say it All?:
 Click here

Pictures of our dear leaders dear being the most appropriate word of
course!!!

They say a picture paints a thousand words, oh how true of these!

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It's not a backflip when...:
 Click here

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Dear Santa, This sums up my life:
 Click here
Can I have a lump of coal about the size you gave to Clive Palmer?

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Cat fight between Juliar Bishop and Peta Cretin as they eat their own
young:
 Click here

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Last minute gift idea:
 Click here

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Once upon a time....:
an Abbott and a pair of Bishops were running a country. Into the ground.
 Click here

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Just a second:
 Click here

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Smile:
 Click here

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How age pensioners feel about the Federal budget cuts:
 Click here

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Employee of the month award:
 Click here

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Why the husband died:
 Click here

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Last minute Chrissy gift ideas:
 Click here Click here Click here

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All I want for Christmas - Santa is coming:
 Click here

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Tree Hugger:
 Click here

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People who make you feel like a genius:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Who says men cannot decorate:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Jewish Divorce:
 Click here

JEWISH DIVORCE - GOOD OLD MUM ......

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,

"I'm divorcing Nathan."

All he wants is s*x, s*x and more s*x.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of
a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says ..

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman !
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion !

You drive a $250,000 Ferrari !

You get $2,000 a week allowance !

You take 6 vacations a year and

you want to throw all that away....

Over 45 cents?"

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From the Geelong page:
 Click here

While Australians were dying overnight, the owner of the Geelong Advertiser
was patting his papers on the back for reporting the bloodbath first.

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She left me a message...:
 Click here

Got home real late last night after a full day of golfing,
drinking, and hanging out with the guys,
and my wife left a message in the kitchen.

I think she wants me to eat more fruit,
bless her heart!

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Gotta Pee . . .

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Vodka Martini's.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee badly, so they stopped
in the nearby cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her
panties, and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
didn't want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst. My wife came home without panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck
to her ass that
Said.....

'From all of the guy's at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'

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The flu is going around:
 Click here

Hope you don't get this flu... It looks brutal!

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Only in New Zealand:
 Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Horsepower
 Click here

Boom
 Click here

National Museum of Natural History
 Click here

Silent Monks (Halleluia)
 Click here

Carlsberg Beer (Ad)
 Click here

Beretta
 Click here

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Things You Don't See Every Day:
 Click here

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Sir Edmund Barton:
 Click here Click here Click here
Australia's 1st Prime Minister - Sir Edmund Barton's ideas on Immigrants,
and being an Australian in 1903.

In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here
in good faith, becomes an Australian, and assimilates himself to us, he
shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an
outrage to discriminate against any such man, because of creed, or
birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in
every facet an Australian, and nothing but an Australian. There can be no
divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an Australian, but
something else also, isn't an Australian at all. We have room for but one
flag, the Australian flag. We have room for but one language here, and that
is the English language .... and we have room for, but one sole loyalty,
and that is a loyalty to the Australian people.

Edmund Barton
1903

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Yellowstone:
 Click here

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New Bike:

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl, on
her new shiny bike, stopped beside him.
'Nice bike, ' the cop said. ' Did Santa bring it to you? '

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $15 ticket, for a safety
violation.

The cop said, ' Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it! '

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
' Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you? '

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
' Yes, he sure did! '

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top ' !!!

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Employee Confessions
 Click here

What Do Men Do When They Retire?
 Click here

2014 Discoveries
 Click here

Jingle Bells at the Supermarket
 Click here

The 19 Worst Movies of 2014
 Click here

Animals
 Click here

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Only in Africa :
 Click here

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Israel's Amazing Medical Technology :

If you have someone who is suffering from Cancer, Parkinsons, Tumors,
Hysterectomy --- etc.
Then the following will be of interest. It's short, but very interesting.

Truly amazing! Most operating rooms as we know them might not be needed,
because It's available in Israel today.
 Click here

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Instructional video: necessary viewing, especially for the ladies:
 Click here

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Elevator:
 Click here

I was beaten up by this woman ..
I was in an elevator when the busty lady (above) got in.

I was staring at her b*obs, when she said,
"Would you please press 1?" So I did...
and I don't remember much afterwards.

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No Comments !!!:
 Click here

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Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ....

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog..
If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk away.

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[ End friday humour ]

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