Friday humour - December 12, 2014

The Dwarf with a Lisp - a repeat but a worthy one!!!

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he
says to the owner of the farm.
'What sort of horse?' said the owner.
'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?'
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the
horses ears.
'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?'
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves 
his head deep inside the horse's vagina.
He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and
putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Ryanair
One for a smile! Fun singing and maybe one for the Courtyard?
 Click here

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From: Mitta
watch this gorgeous short film
Check out this 4min, completely amazing visualisation of solar system exploration:
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
This Family Went the Extra Mile for Their Dog...
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Great Fiat Commercial
Hysterical!
 Click here

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From: Wally
Phone Charging Myths           PHONE CHARGING MYTHS
I think it's a pretty good guess that the two scariest words for any cell 
phone user are "low battery". Apart from getting it wet, getting
a low power warning is the worst thing that can happen to your smartphone,
and most of us are constantly aware of how our battery is doing and if
it needs to be charged.
There are many misleading myths that evolved over time about charging your 
phone, most of them are completely wrong. These myths are not
only false but can actually do more harm than good, and reduce the total
life span of your battery.  So for those of us who want to keep our
phone battery charged as long as possible, these are the myths you should avoid.

Myth: Off-brand chargers destroy batteries.

Truth: While not optimal, off-brand chargers are still fine for recharging your 
phone and will not have a significant influence on your battery's life span. What 
you should be avoiding are brand knockoffs. Charging you phone with one of these 
will barely get the job done, reduce your battery's maximum charge and endanger 
its ability to function.
Myth: Don't use your phone while it charges.
Truth: Using the phone while it's plugged in to the charger will not decrease the 
efficacy of the charge. The reasons behind this myth are
linked to cases in which people used low quality knockoffs. When using a
sketchy charger all sorts of bad things can happen to your phone, but as
mentioned before you don't want to be using them anyway. If you're using
the manufacturer approved charger and battery, you should be fine using
it anytime you want.
Myth: Charging your phone overnight damages the battery.
Truth: Our phones today are smarter than they used to be, when in full 
capacity they automatically know they should stop charging. However,
that doesn't mean you should have your phone plugged in to the charger all
the time. The optimal time to charge your phone in order to keep the
battery going long as possible is between 40% and 80%.

Myth: Never turn off your phone.

Truth: This myth is a total lie, just because your phone is a machine 
doesn't mean it's bad for it to take a few breaks. In fact, apple
experts recommend to turn off your phone once in a while in order to
maximize battery life. At the very least it's recommend to turn off your
phone once a week for a few hours.
Myth: Don't charge your battery until it's completely empty.
Truth: This myth was true in past generations of smartphones and 
rechargeable electronic devices, but today it's completely wrong. Most 
modern phones use lithium-ion batteries and if you constantly let them 
drain to 0%, they become unstable. It is much better to charge your phone
every day when it's between 40% and 80% power.

Myth: Always charge a new phone before using it.
Truth: Almost every new phone comes with instructions to fully charge 
if before you start using it but it's mostly unnecessary. Since most
modern batteries are best stored at about 40%, almost every manufacturer
sends their phones out with at least half a charge. This means that if
you buy a new phone and it does not have a 40% charge when you turn it on, its
most likely because the battery is very old. If this is the case, you should
ask for a different one as it will surely last you longer than one that
has either been used before, or has been sitting idle for a really long
time with no use.

Myth: You can always use rechargeable batteries.
Truth: This one is a bit more misleading than false, but it's still 
important to know that most batteries do have a limited life span of
full discharge cycles. Each cycle starts when your device has used 100% of
its capacity. This means that if you charge your phone today from 50% to
full and do the same tomorrow, that's a full discharge cycle. Once you
go above the amount of full cycles your battery is capable of it will start
to lose capacity to store power.
So yes, you can keep on using your battery for a very long time, but 
once the official "life span" is over, you'll have to be very mindful
of how you use it. Hopefully it will only happen once, when you want to
upgrade your device.
Bonus fact: Heat will ruin your battery.

As a general rule heat and technology don't go hand-in-hand. Lithium-ion 
batteries get hotter when they are being charged. Now while it's also a 
really bad idea to put your phone in the fridge, you should
always be mindful of where you place your phone, especially when charging it.
Never charge it under direct sunlight or next to other hot electronics like
a laptop or a working oven. This may not only damage your battery but
also the phone itself.

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From: Wally
Fixing Wet PhonesA Simple Guide for Fixing Wet PhonesAbout 80% of the population 
today has cell phones, and they carry them around wherever they go. 
While they are incredibly high-tech and
useful, they have one drawback, the worst enemy of nearly every
electronic device: water. And it's not just water, anything that gets your phone 
wet puts it at risk of shutting down, forever.

Nearly 30% of cell phone owners damage their phones by spilling drinks on them 
every year, and over 850,000 phones meet their end at the bottom
of the toilet. However, just because your phone got wet or went for an
unexpected swim, doesn't mean it's broken beyond repair. With this simple
guide of do's and don'ts, there is a good chance you can bring your phone back
to life!

The first and most important thing you should do if your phone gets wet 
is to turn it off (if it's still working). Do not try to turn it on "just
to see if it works" as any water inside might cause a short circuit and
damage vital parts of the phone. It's better to first dry it off, using
the following steps, and then see if it works once it's safe to turn it
on.

Another important thing is not to shake and move your phone too much. 
If any water has gotten inside, moving the phone around will just make the
water flow into unaffected places that might still be dry. I know it's hard
not to panic, but acting in a slow and calm manner might save your
phone.Now carefully take your wet phone and place it on a dry paper or
cloth towel. Dry the outside of the phone as best as you can, and be gentle 
so you won't force any more liquid inside.

Once you are done with the outside remove any cases, covers or shells the 
phone might have, and then remove the battery and the SIM card. Dry
them using a dry towel the same way as you did the outside.

Now before we get to the next step on how to dry your phone, I want to go 
over some of the worst ways to do it. These are ways that might dry
your mobile device, but destroy it at the same time. Never use any of
these methods to dry your phone: Don't blow on it with a hairdryer,
place it on or under an oven, or put it in the microwave.

And now we get to how you should dry your phone, and the answer is very simple: 
the liquid absorbing power of rice. Use a big bowl or a bag and place the phone 
without its cover and battery inside. Fill the bowl with enough rice to completely 
cover the phone from all sides, simple white rice works best. Dont be scrimpy, 
you need to have a good amount of rice around the phone to absorb all of the moisture.

The ideal time to leave your phone like this may change depending on how wet it 
got. The safest thing is to leave it in the rice overnight but in
some cases even six hours will do. When you take the phone out gently clean
it with a soft brush or a vacuum clear, put all the parts back together
and turn it on.
While it might not always work if your phone was too wet, or was in the water for 
too long, it's still the best and safest way to dry it.
Be sure to open the case from time to time after you get it working
again to check for any possible corrosion. If your phone still doesnt work go to
a repair lab and hope that the electronic parts that were damaged can
be replaced.
Good luck!

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From: Whizzbang
Lipstick on the Pig
  As straight forward as you'll hear.
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Four pints of foreign blood
    John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.    
When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:    
"I've got good news and bad news.....the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood 
and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"    John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"    
"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list.

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From: Whizzbang
It had to come!
The Zimbabwe Cricket Board have just announced that they discovered ebola in their cricket team,
but this has not caused any concern since they also found ebatsman and efielda.

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Subject: Monday
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Our Complex Earth - AMAZING...
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From: Duke of Barsinov
today's smiles
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here

From: Sack
Important Warning For All men (Amen !)
 Click here

From: Sack
Breathalyzer season is here
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Maybe the Best Christmas Ad I've Ever Seen

Sainsbury's supermarket in the UK has released its Christmas advertisement for 
this year which is very poignant taking into account the 100th anniversary of the 
beginning of World War I .The story behind the story is wonderful as well and 
worth watching.....
 Click here

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,but anyone can start today and make 
a new ending.
   - Maria Robinson

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From: Wally
Interesting Facts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

INTERESTING FACTS

More humans have been killed by mosquitos, than by every war in history.

In 2012 an Austrian supermarket started selling pre-peeled bananas. They were not popular.

Only 8% of the money in the world exists as physical currency. The rest exists only in computer records.

4 of the 5 most circulated newspapers in the world, are Japanese.

CAPTCHA (the bit when a website asks you to type letters to prove youre human) stands for 
Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart

Airliners have a special corpse cupboard, in case someone dies mid-flight=2E

Kidney transplant patients generally end up with 3 kidneys, as the existing kidneys arent removed.

Sea otters hold hands when they sleep, to keep from drifting apart.

Blind people smile, even though theyve never seen anyone else smile.

Squirrels plant thousands of new trees each year, simply by forgetting where they put their acorns.

In 2008, a penguin, named Nils Olav, was awarded a knighthood, for being the longest serving
mascot (since 1972), of the Norwegian King's Guard.
He currently lives in Edinburgh Zoo, Scotland.

Wayne Allwine, and Russi Allwine, the voices of Mickey Mouse, and Minnie Mouse, were married in real life.

Google, the periodic table, the structure of our DNA, and Yesterday by the Beatles, are all ideas, 
that were conceived in dreams.

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From: Wally
4 X Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Ernie and Carson
 Click here

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From: Wally
What's in a Name
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Wally
Family Flight
 Click here

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From: Wally
Links & Photos
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Links & Photos

20 X Mosque Ceilings (Brilliant Work)
 Click here

Vertical Farming
 Click here

No Frills Airline
 Click here

Lamborghinis on Ice
 Click here

New Christmas Song
 Click here

Taiwanese Orchids
 Click here

No Instruments
 Click here

How to Avoid Death (55 minutes)
 Click here

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From: Wally
Links & Photos
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Links & Photos

Random Facts
 Click here

My Mum is an Airplane (English Sub-Titles)
 Click here

They Made a Difference
 Click here

Slippery Squirrel
 Click here

Expensive Items
 Click here

12 Myths about S*x (Adult)
 Click here

Robin Williams Last Funny (Adult)
 Click here

35 Entries for 2014 National Geographic Best Photos
 Click here

World Records
 Click here

God's Special Paint Brush
 Click here

The World's Craziest Laws
 Click here

Reuters Best 57 Photos of 2014
 Click here

Russian Dancers
 Click here

The Colour Clock
 Click here

Peter Marvey (Illusionist)
 Click here

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From: Wally
50 Shades of ....
 Click here

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his woman moved . . . . 
Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . .  she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . . :
"OK, OK, you smug mongrel, I can't parallel park . . . . You do it . . . . !!"

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From: Whizzbang
Logging in the old days before we lost the big one
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 Click here

BEFORE CHAINSAWS....THIS IS TRULY AMAZING

Before chainsaws were invented, the logging industry in the United States & Canada was a 
seriously challenging occupation and we are only talking about 125 years ago. In the 
Pacific Northwest there were forests full of monster trees and cutting them down was done 
by hand. A friend sent me these photos and I had to share them with you.

Look at the length of the two-man hand saw and heavy duty axes above that 
they used to drop these tremendous trees.  It is almost inconceivable
to think of cutting down a tree this size with a hand saw.The work
required very strong men (and horses) working long days for minimal pay.
Could you imagine doing this to earn a living?

After a tree was finally felled, it took a week or more to cut it up into 
sections that could be managed (somehow) and transported by train to
a lumber yard.

Manouvering the logs down the mountain to the train was a complex job. 
I didn't do any research on this, but I would be willing to bet that 
many men lost their lives doing this dangerous work. One slip and a hunk of
wood as big as a hotel is rolling your way! The other question that begs an
answer is how did they get those logs up onto the flatbeds of that train?

Hollowed out logs became the company's mobile office. Can you imagine stacking 
such logs to build a log home? Two courses would produce a 30' ceiling. Maybe 
that's why it was easier to hollow out a tree.A long time before anyone ever 
thought of a mobile home or RV, hollowed out logs were also used to house and 
feed the logging crews. We are accustomed to
our modern conveniences like electricity and gasoline powered chainsaws,
and it is always such a mind-boggling experience to see how such monumental
tasks were performed before these conveniences appeared on the scene. 
Remember that the picture above shows a hollowed-out log made into a travel
trailer.

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From: Whizzbang
Too good
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
MEN_AND_THEIR_BBQS1
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
That's not a barra ....this is a barra....AUSTRALIAN
 Click here Click here

  Im sure all you Barramundi fishermen will enjoy this one; Recently caught on the Fitzroy river.

  The fish weighed 113kg's and could unfortunately not be released as a crocodile 
attacked it when they had the fish boatside. (likely story)

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From: Whizzbang
Oh Dear
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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