Friday humour - December 05, 2014

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

Just in case you didn't know Christmas is coming!
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Sounds_of_Paragliding_with_Th=E9o_de_Blic_?=
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: An Aussie Christmas Eve

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The
elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had
been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious.
‘I can't believe it!' he yells. ‘I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are
drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I
sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to
do?' Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from
the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. ‘Oi fatty!' she says.
‘Where d'you want me to stick this?'
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

Subject: Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia,
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wassa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia,
she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me,
and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket .

The conductore come aby, wagga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa
car. Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch
and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car!
Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina indisa car.
Musta go to a smokina car..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.

We justa about to go makea badaboom-badabing and the conductore, he walka
through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

Nofolka Virginia !
Nofolka Virginia !'
  "Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Restaurant Dog Clip
 Click here

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From: KRP
Subject: A Wedding They'll Never Forget (Only in Tassie, it seems - ED)
Best quote; The bride is receiving treatment in the Royal Hobart Hospital
for alcohol poisoning.
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Powerful New Zealand Impaired Driving Ad

This is one that doesn't pull any punches at all.  Show this one to your
kids, your friends, and everybody else.
 Click here

Subject:  Glasgow characters

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends
and workmates:

"Two Soups" his real name is Campbell Baxter.

"The Colostomy" - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the
side).

"The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always
replies: ' I'll get back to you on that. '

"The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.

"Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.

"Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues: ' Let me put you in the
picture...'

"Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

"The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

"Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

"Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

"The Yeti" - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy,
but nobody can prove he actually exists.

"The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

"The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my
hands are tied.'

"The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!

Subject: Colorized Rare Photos

TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO TAKE IN THESE PICTURES..THEY ARE DONE
BEAUTIFULLY....SO MUCH TO SEE IN EACH ONE

These AMAZING (now colorized) photos have survived a long time - starting
in 1850...!!
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: source "the shovel"

Tony Abbott did not take any part in the 2013 election campaign that led to
him becoming Prime Minister, his office has confirmed.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said anyone who saw Mr Abbott during
the campaign period had misinterpreted what they saw.

"If you thought you saw him on the campaign trail, you didn't. If there
were things that you thought he said, he didn't say those things. If
there were statements that you could have sworn he made, he didn't, in
fact, make those statements. He was overseas on holidays for the entire
five-week period".

The spokesperson said it was quite common in the excitement of an election
campaign for people to mis-see things.

When Mr Abbott was today shown footage of what appeared to be him on the
campaign trail, he simply said, "I never did those things. Efficiency
dividend".

Subject: Thrust the Irish

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with
her Stammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and
stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where
you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate s*x with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

"That's no better either, Hamish. "

"Now, how about you, Paddy? "

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out; "
London ".

"Brilliant, Paddy! " said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 10 minutes of steamy s*x, Paddy said;
...
...
...
...
..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Best soccer penalty kick shootout ever
This is a bit Monty-like, eh wot?
 Click here

Subject: The Prophet

I decided to go to the Mosque for a first time to see what it was all
about.

I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said
by the will of Allah the All Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk
today.

I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.    Again
I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my f*cking car had
been stolen.
Subject:Oh My!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time
we had s*x together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having s*x against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious s*x that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is
still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to
ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic s*x life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"

Subject: Garden of Eden

It seems that the bible got creation all wrong...it was actually
Eve that God created first.

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit. "How is everything,
Eve?" he asked.

"It is all so beautiful God, the sunrises and sunsets are breath taking,
the smells, the grandeur...just so wonderful, but I have this problem with
these three breasts of mine. Like the middle one pushes out the other two
and I am constantly catching them on branches and it is basically a
nuisance!" reported Eve.

God replied, "Well that is a good point, hey it is my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured half it, but I
see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"

So God reached down and ripped that middle breast right out of there and
tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited
Eve in the garden.

"Well, how is my favorite creation?" he asked.

"Just fantastic!" she replied. "But for one small oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, and the cow
has her bull, all the animals have a mate except for me, and I feel very
alone here."

"Oh my! You're so right! How could I have overlooked this! You do need a
mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!
Now let's see... Where did I leave that useless tit?"

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  What's The Nail For?
Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You
show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when
she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy
blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very
confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over
her shoulder, .......

      'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

Subject: Complete or Finished...the difference!

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference
between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London and attended
by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese
linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very
distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this:
"Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please
explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are
'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the
right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

Subject: Hillbilly Birth .

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to
assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see
what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor,
'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another
one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that
lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. 'No, don't be in a
hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!'
cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, . .. .
. ....
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: 1937 Packard RV With Only 40,000 Miles On The Clock
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here

Antique RV Nirvana: A One Of One 1937 Packard RV With Only 40,000 Miles On
The Clock
You know how much we dig old RV's around here, but this one takes the
cake. 1937!? Really? And a Packard? We'd never seen or heard of one until
BangShifter Phil Secan sent us a bit of info and some photos of this one.
Bought for only $16,000 a few years ago, the owner now has refused
$300,000. Now that's a return on investment considering the little bit of
work required to get this thing back up and running in tip top shape.
image004
 Click here Click here Click here
According to what we've heard, the couple that now owns this incredibly
rare Packard purchased it about 10 months ago and have been working on it
since. It was found in a garage, where it had been stored for many many
years.
 Click here Click here Click here
When it was found, the car was polished and then clearcoated, to seal in
the patina and character. Minor engine work was all it took to get it back
running right, , and thanks to only 40,000 miles on the clock, it runs
virtually mint! Can you imagine driving this thing cross country? It'
fancy as hell inside, and we most certainly love it.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Arfermo
Subject: I Can't Get The Friggin Printer to Work
 Click here

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From: Clooney's Twin
Subject: What is happening to the Australian feral government?
 Click here

Subject: Celebrating the distinguished first year of government
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: A simple message from the feral parliamentary Speaker, Bronwyn
 Click here

New record for expelling duly elected members while promoting tyrannical
Democracy

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: PHONE
 Click here Click here Click here

Subject: thank you
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Wi-Fi
 Click here

Subject: Wedding Album
 Click here

Subject: Prachtig gemaakt
 Click here
Subject: poesie_sur_feuilles
 Click here

Subject: A Great Irish Text Message
 Click here

Paddy texts his wife...

"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.
If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.

Subject:  weird
 Click here

Subject: Family photos -
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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Catholic Golf
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare Afternoon off and enjoying a
round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.  He missed
the ball entirely and said "Sh*t, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Sh*t, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," The nun said
tartly.. The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really angry now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike
you dead if you keep swearing like that.."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Sh*t, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of
the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the Sky above comes a Booming Voice. .. ..

"Sh*t, I missed!!"

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From: Wally
Subject: Beatle Pancakes
 Click here Click here

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Subject: 24 Things You Didn't Know About Beer
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here

Subject: Life on the New York Subway
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Subject: Damien Hirst
What at first appears to be black and white aerial images of cities, are
actually recreations by renowned British artist Damien Hirst, using vast
number of surgical instruments such as scalpels, razor blades, hooks, iron
filings, stitching needles, and safety-pins, set against black backgrounds.
This new art form titled Surgical Cities, was revealed in an exhibition at
White Cube Gallery in Sao Paolo, Brazil. For this exhibition, Hirst
selected 17 cities, which are either sites of recent conflict, cities
relating to the artist's own life, or centres of economic, political, or
religious significance. The selection includes, amongst others, Washington,
Rome, Vatican City, Leeds,  Beijing, Moscow, New York, and London.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: World Toilet Day Collection
 Click here Click here

Folks – As today is World Toilet Day, you will have noticed that I have
gone a bit overboard with toilet stuff, including ....

World Toilet Day
Toilet Signs
Toilet Paper
Toilet Restaurant
Used Toilet Rolls

Anyway I'll finish up with a cold bum, by sitting on the Ice Toilet

Be Good

Toilet Signs
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Toilet Paper
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Toilet Restaurant
A new Toilet Restaurant just opened it's doors in Shenzhen, China. Owner
Wang Tzi-wei opened the first Modern Toilet outlet in Taipei. There are now
branches all over Taiwan, as well as in Hong Kong, and mainland China.
Modern Toilet features toilet seat chairs, glass topped bath tubs for
tables, and couch, and even ice cream in the shape of poo.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

World Toilet Day
World Toilet Day is a day to take action. It is a day to raise awareness
about all people, who do not have access to a toilet, despite the human
right to water and sanitation. It is a day to do something about it. Of the
world's seven billion people, 2.5 billion people do not have improved
sanitation. 1 billion people still defecate in the open. Women and girls
risk rape and abuse, because they have no toilet that offers privacy. We
cannot accept this situation. Sanitation is a global development priority.
This is why the United Nations General Assembly in 2013, designated today
as World Toilet Day. This day had previously been marked by international
and civil society organizations all over the world, but was was not
formally recognized as an official UN day.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here

Subject: Used Toilet Rolls
French painter and collage artist Anastassia Elias creates tiny scenes with
paper, inside used cardboard toilet paper tubes. Anastassia uses paper the
same colour as the cardboard tubes, to build up the intricate pictures of
people, which gives the illusion that the scene taking place, inside the
walls, are actually part of the roll itself. The models, which sell for
$180 each, come alive when light is shined through the roll, from one end.
The details and depth of each piece is impressive.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Subject: Happy Countries
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 Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Catching Kayla (Need a Tissue)
 Click here

Amazing Strength
 Click here

Subject: World of Second Languages
We often see maps and explanations about which country speaks which
language. English for England, Spanish for Spain and so forth. But more
often than not, another language is spoken almost as much as the main one.
This is the second language, and it's both fascinating and helpful to see a
map of the world, showing us what second language is most prevalent.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

The World of Second Languages

Subject: So Halfway through my Flight ...
 Click here

So Halfway through my Flight ...
 Click here

This is from Stephen Wesley, a mate of mine, at Pacific Turbine,
Brisbane, Australia. He was on a Canadian First Air ATR 42-300, from
Nunavut, to Ottawa.

Subject: Find Momo
Andrew Knapp, a graphic designer in Ontario, runs an awesome blog, where he
creates brilliant hide-and-seek photos featuring Momo, his beautiful
black-and-white border collie. When Momo played fetch, he would usually run
and hide, instead of returning with the stick. This inspired Knapp to
create this playful photo series. Answers are below.
Starts easy, then gets a bit harder.
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Subject: Links & Photos
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 Click here Click here Click here

Scott Sterling (World's Greatest Goalkeeper)
 Click here

-------------------

Dirt Devil (Oldie, but a Goodie)
 Click here

========

Silent Victory (WW11 Submarine Warfare)
 Click here (90 minute)


^^^^^^^^

Dog Cheats to Win (Oldie, but a Goodie)
 Click here

******

Popular Electronics (Every Issue 1954-1982)
 Click here

#######

5 X Taxi Gags
 Click here

+++++++

Mission Impossible (Babies Escape)
 Click here

$$$$$$

Ali C (Great Rider)
 Click here

%%%%%

Semi jumps over Lotus F1
 Click here

@@@@@@@

22 Substitutes for Sugar
 Click here

!!!!!!!!!!!

Postcards from Chernobyl
 Click here

((((((((

Wakeboarding behind a Ferrari
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Islamic Version of Adam and Eve
 Click here

Subject: Absolutely unbelievable
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

I found this really hard to believe! Look on top of the bridge! (XXX - ED)
Look VERY closely!
 Click here

Look a bit closer!
 Click here

Closer!
 Click here

Closer yet!
 Click here

Can you believe anyone would drink 'rum and coke' without ice?

ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE!

Subject:  Alcohol bad for legs
 Click here

A man walks into a c*cktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman
sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a c*cktail?"
"No thank you,"  she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

Subject: Opinion Poll!
 Click here

Subject: Friday (XXX - ED)
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

"Every thing in life is somewhere else. You get there in a car."

- E B White

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[ End friday humour ]

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