Friday humour - November 07, 2014

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Anonymous3
Kinetic sand
 Click here

Recovering Hope

"...In April 2013, a small boat washed ashore in Crescent City, Calif., and
was soon found to be a piece of debris from the 2011 tsunami in Japan.
Humboldt State University professor, Lori Dengler, a tsunami expert,
learned that the boat might have belonged to Takata High School in
Rikuzentakata, so she sent a message to the city's Facebook Page, which she
had been following since her own visit to the area for research. Someone
quickly replied and was able to find a teacher who recognized the boat as
the school's. "The boat had traveled about 5,000 miles over two years
before it landed in
Crescent City, a town that also experienced a tsunami that same day in
2011.
A group of Del Norte High School students were struck by the many
similarities between Crescent City and Rikuzentakata, so they volunteered
to clean up the boat and return it to Takata High School. Last month, the
city of Rikuzentakata and Takata High hosted the Del Norte students in
Japan and thanked them for their friendship and for providing a reminder
that their struggle has not been forgotten."
 Click here

Fabulous photography of wildlings

The photographer must have spent many many hours in making this video and
must have a fantastic zoom: and how about the slo-mos!
 Click here

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From: Arfermo
Best travel complaints
 Click here

Oz one takes the biscuit. Great stuff.

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Woops again

A man was telling his friend...

You won't believe what happened last night...my daughter walked into the
living room and said;

    Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my
clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.

    Please take any of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash
Converters.

    Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out
of the house.

    Then disown me and never talk to me again and don't forget to write me
out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend.  "She actually said all that?"

"Well, she didn't use those exact words.  Actually she said...

    "Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed".

Tesco offers 'free erections' on Welsh sign
 Click here

A freebie? You should be so lucky !!!

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From: Duke of Barsinov
BT recruitment

The telephone company needed to hire four more telephone pole installers
and the choice came down to two from Poland and two Irishmen.
The boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do.
                Each team will be installing poles out on the new road
                for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets
                the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, when
                the two Polish guys reported back, the boss asked them
                how many they had installed. They said it was tough
                going but they'd put in 12.

Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick came back in,
                totally exhausted.
"Well, how many poles did you guys install?" said the boss.

Mick wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got
                three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Polish blokes put in
                12!"

"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they
                left sticking out of the ground."

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From: Nottingham Smithie
a song recorded for remembrance this year
 Click here

the guy in the elevator is one of the best I have ever seen
 Click here

 Pass the Salt
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
The Indian with one testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made
love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't
Kill two Birds with
OneStone!!!

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From: Wally
Bored with Life?

Bored with Life?

Nothing to do? - Watch this ....
 Click here

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PROSTITUTE'S TAX RETURN...

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase
that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry
farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand c*cks last year."

"Poultry Farmer it is."

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From: Whizzbang
F111 Disposal from Thiess Pty Ltd on Vimeo
 Click here
Ever wonder what happened to our amazing F 111 s????

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 GOOD NEWS...

Pfizer announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form.
It will be marketed by Pepsi Corp. as a power-beverage suitable for use as
a mixer, making it possible a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a "soft drink", as it infuses new
meaning into terms like "c*cktails", "highballs", and
"drunk-and-f*cked-up."

Pepsi will test-market the new concoction initially with the name of Mount
& Do® in Colorado with the sales slogan, "...where men are men, women are
happy, and sheep are scared."

As Baby Boomers continue to fill up nursing homes, Pepsi stock is likely to
rise and soar to new heights as this product becomes a late evening drink
for elderly men so they won't roll out of bed at night, thus saving us all
money on both staffing and associated medical and legal costs.

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. Thus, by 2040, there will be a large elderly
population with perky b*obs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five
fewer old people laughing in the world.  This assumes, of course, that you
have five friends who are still alive, and that you yourself can recall the
request from the previous sentence, let alone what this e-mail was all
about in the first place.

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Oscar Pistorius

Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against
it.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on
Valentine's Day he had to take her out.

If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had with
only 2 blades.

His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a front
runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his
Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep
up on Oscar Pistorius."

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder … footprints !

She didn't notice Oscar stalking her.. It was the silence of the limbs.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!

Moral Test....Read to the end before making a judgement...
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
*** THE SITUATION: ***
You are in London .
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught
in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the
water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
*** THE TEST: ***
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....
You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the
one-eyed, hook handed bastard who hates non-Muslims and wants the
UK to become an Islamic state!!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize
winning photo, doc*menting the death of one of the country's most despised,
evil and powerful men!
*** NOW THE QUESTION AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER ***
Would you select high contrast colour film or, would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

winter
 Click here

 Dancing In The Sky

Take 5 & watch this absolutely amazing
The Chinese do put on amazing shows
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Age is a Real Bastard . . . . .
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

A retirees life is not what I thought it would be...but I will not despair.

I too am affected by the economic crisis.

PROOF
I have to eat moldy cheese.

…and dried meat

I have to drink old wine

…my car has not got a roof

…and my bathtub is in the garden

But I will continue to struggle along and now I must protect my nose from
the sun.

With a bit of courage I will survive this crisis.

Andy Reed
 Click here

Hunting season
 Click here
Halloween Costumes
 Click here

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From: Mitta
devastating commentary on postmodern society
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Wine Humour
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From: Sack
 HISTORICAL PHOTOS
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            Betty White at home with her dog in 1952

            An iceberg photographed in 1912 bearing an unmistakable mark of
black and red paint.

            It is believed that this is the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

            Ham the chimp returns to Earth following his historic 16 minute
space flight in 1961.

            The rather luxurious seating area of the submarine, The
Protector, in 1902.

            Medical students pose with a cadaver around 1890.

            The fuel tanks of the B-24H Liberator "Little Warrior" explode
over Germany after being hit by anti-aircraft guns in 1944.

            The Kennedy family leave the funeral of John F. Kennedy in
1963.

            Native American couple, Situwuka and Katkwachsnea in 1912.

            Camp Commandant Amon Goeth, infamous from the movie
"Schindler's List", on the balcony of his house

            overlooking Plaszow labor camp, Poland . 1943-44.

            Construction of the Sydney Opera House in 1966.

            1945 - German POWs weep and sit in disgust as they watch
footage shot at a German concentration camp.

            June 1915, Gallipoli: a Turkish sniper/sharpshooter, dressed as
a tree, is captured by two Anzacs.

            Dinosaurs are transported on the Hudson River to the 1964
World's Fair.

            The Golden Gate Bridge around 1935.

            Children for sale in Chicago , 1948.  Some parents sold their
children due to poverty.

            Mourners pay their respect to slain civil rights leader, Medgar
Evars in 1963.  His killer was finally convicted in 1994.

            Union prisoners receive rations at Fort Sumter in 1864.

            The mugshot of Tokyo Rose, 1946.

            A rescue boat comes alongside the crippled USS West Virginia
shortly after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941.

            Two childhood friends unexpectedly reunite on opposite sides of
a demonstration in 1972.

            Survivors of the Titanic are taken on board the Carpathia in
1912.

            Wielu just after German Luftwaffe bombing the 1st of September
1939. Not only did this bombing provide

            a spark for World War II, but it is generally believed to be
the first terrorist bombing in history.

            A burial at sea on board the USS Lexington  in 1944.

            Crowds rush through the castle on Disneyland 's opening day in
1955.

            A lion rides in the sidecar during a performance of The Wall of
Death carnival attraction at Revere Beach , Massachusetts in 1929.

            Future presidents Bill Clinton and George Bush with Governor
George Wallace at a BBQ in 1983.

            Dr. Werhner von Braun and Walt Disney in 1954.

            The Statue of Liberty photographed during a power failure in
1942.

            The RMS Olympic, the Titanic's sister ship, in wartime
camouflage in 1915.

            Anastasia shares a smoke with her father, Tsar Nicholas II two
years before their assassination in 1916.

            Children rush into a candy store following the end of "sweets
rationing" in 1953.

            Soldiers comfort each other during the Korean war in the early
1950's.

            Stephen Hawking marries Jane Wilde in 1965.

            Albert Einstein brings s*xy back in 1932.

            What is thought to be the oldest known war photograph: New
Hampshire volunteers depart for the Mexican War in 1846.

            Coney Island in 1905.

            George W. Bush plays a little dirty rugby for Yale in 1966.

            Arnold Schwarzenegger shows off to some elderly women in the
1970's.

            Six year-old Arthur Conan-Doyle in 1865.

            Construction of Hoover Dam in 1934.

            Frank Sinatra asks Lou Gehrig for an autograph in 1939.

            Harry Houdini exposes "spirit trickery" in 1925.

            OJ Simpson carries the Olympic Torch in 1984.  Nichole Brown
can be seen on the left.

            A permanent stable cavity caused by the detonation on an
underground nuclear test in 1961.

            Vladimir Putin and his childhood friends in 1969.  None of them
have been seen since!

            Amelia Earhart receives what proved to be her last haircut in
1937.

            The Japanese "War Tuba" used to locate enemy aircraft before
the invention of radar.  Circa 1930.

            Washington-Hoover Airport which was demolished in 1941.  This
is where the Pentagon stands today.

Fw: Amazing Stairs!
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                1. San Francisco, California
                These tiled stairs run up a total of 163 steps at 16th and
Moraga Street in San Francisco.
                Over 300 neighborhoods joined in to create the spectacle,
leading to an absolutely beautiful result.

                2.  In Valparaiso, Chile, you can walk up a flight of
piano-like stairs.
                It's just too bad you can't play a tune too.

                3. Not all art is contained in between walls at the
Philadelphia, PA  Museum of Art.
                These steps were fantastically painted for a Salvador Dali
exhibition in 2005 and are a masterpiece in themselves.

                4. This staircase is another beautiful display of art in
Valparaiso, Chile.
                The detail of the houses and the ocean views is absolutely
stunning.

                5. In Seoul, South Korea is this amazing flight of steps.
Colorful koi fish are painted in orange, red, and yellow tones that stand
out against the very vibrant blue hue of the stairs.

                6. Wuppertal, Germany is home to a set of 112 steps that
are known as the Holsteiner Stairs.
                With the wide array of bright colors, it's almost like
walking on a rainbow. The stairs also feature a collection of powerful
German words painted on them, which translate to English phrases like,
                It's okay to forgive innocence, because and to laugh.”

                7. Sicily, Italy: This historic staircase in Italy was
constructed in 1608 and is made up of many ceramic tiles.
                It's been used as a backdrop for plenty of festivals and
images are illustrated using thousands of flowers or candles.

                8. The detail on these Rio de Janeiro, Brazil steps are
insane. The face looks so life-like and the eyes practically stare straight
through you.

                9. In Beirut, Lebanon you can find these steps painted in a
rainbow of colors that resemble piano keys.
                There is almost a kind of rugged beauty about them.

                10. These beautiful painted stairs aren't just for show;
walking up them will lead you to a musical theatre in Seoul,
                South Korea. The painting of the woman is stunning, the
contrasting black, white, and bright pink colors making for an eye catching
effect.

                11. Stairs of Peace in Syria.  Syrian students painted a
fantastic pattern on the longest staircase in their town with some very
vibrant colors. They hoped the display would produce joyful feelings in the
locals who were undergoing hardships.

                12. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. This world famous staircase,
known as Escadaria Selaron, was painted by a Chilean artist.

                13. Angers, France. These steps in France were part of an
amazing origami street art exhibit.
                The way the paper creations color the steps is stunning and
surreal-like.

                14. Istanbul, Turkey. This bright rainbow staircase in
Istanbul is nothing short of astounding.

                15. In Morlaix, France, you can walk up these steps that
double as an amazing piece of art work.
                The painting of the woman is fantastic and, even with
neutral tones, it still stands out in a breath taking way.

                16. Tehran, Iran. This floral stairway in Iran is simply
stunning, with beautiful floral designs and a neat layered look.

                17. Beirut, Lebanon. You can't help but smile when looking
at these brightly colored steps in Lebanon.

                Now, I don'
t know about you, but I'
m exhausted.  I'
m
going home to my den, gonna kick off my walking shoes, lay back in my
recliner and take a snooze.

From: Sack
Senior Humor
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      If you know anyone who is old, these would be fun to share.  Believe
me, I'm not sending them to you because you're old.

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From: Wally
Links & Photos
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Links & Photos

Loans for Kids
 Click here

Launching the USS Detroit
 Click here

Windowless Aircraft
 Click here

The Wave
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Links & Photos
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McDonald'
s World Cup Ad
 Click here

Purple
 Click here

Military Women (Australia is a bit rough)
 Click here

World Record Opening Beer Bottles with a Chainsaw
 Click here

Chinese Recall
+++ File links:
 Click here Click here

Hot on the heels of the phone charger problems recently,
here is another warning about goods made in China, and sold in Australia!
These Chinese-made  swimsuits leave ugly lines

What is Your Food Day
 Click here

What Food should you Eat on your Birthday?
 Click here

Links & Photos
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Links & Photos

Super Strength (Unbelievable)
 Click here

Al Ain Gardens
 Click here

The 9 Weirdest Towns in the World
 Click here

Washington Conservatory (12 Piano Players – 24 Hands)
 Click here

RK Motors (Classic Cars)
 Click here

Greatest Movie Deaths of All Time
 Click here Click here

JAWS

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The Explanation
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3 Foot Putt
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Cup Day
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This year'
s Cup Day, is on again in  6 days.
Australia'
s Horse Race, that stops a Nation.

The sights after previous Melbourne Cups

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From: Whizzbang
84 Year Old Bride
 Click here

Fw: 20 questions asked and answered (and explained):
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Why Older men can't get work:

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Older Man : "My honesty..."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is necessarily a weakness."
Older Man : "I don't really give a f*ck what you think."

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[ End friday humour ]

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