Friday humour - October 31, 2014


Gussius @ Bluehaze

Welcome again to the second-best known humour site in Australia. The best
source of funny business of course remains our own Feral Parliament. Just
search for Clive Palmer's acrobatics.

So if you haven't been confined to quarantine with a dose of imported
Ebola, or the closely related lethal zoonotic virus, Hendra from our very
own Queensland fruit bats; or hiding from some delusional terror threat 
and are not concerned that every keystroke is being recorded by some
faceless paranoid security service, then, dear reader, read on.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally,
Whizzbang, Duke of Barsinov and anon.

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National Geographic Does It Again:

This is marvelous. In fact you may want to watch it twice.
 Click here

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Clive Palmer In Two Places Simultaneously:

I am usually appalled by the declining standard of English within the ABC
but there is occasional humour;

This ABC News report
 Click here
tells us that "Speaking at a media conference at which she was flanked by
her party leader, Ms Stefanac. "

"Flanked" implies there was something or someone on each side of the lady;
Clive is large enough to do that so perhaps the report is correct. :-)

Rather reminiscent of the old story of the Irish policeman describing in
court how he captured the defendant; "I surrounded him meself, your
Honour"."

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Winston Churchill on Whisky...:

His vocabulary and command of the English language was unparalleled!

How I wish we had politicians and statesmen of his calibre around today.

Sir Winston Churchill was once asked about his position on whisky. Here's
how he answered:

"If you mean whisky, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody
monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home,
creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths
of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples men and women
from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit
of degradation,
shame, despair, helplessness and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am
opposed to it with every fibre of my being."

"However, if by whisky you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic
wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get
together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment
in their eyes; if you mean good cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a
little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if
you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget
life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink
the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each year,
that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our
deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest
highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation...
then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favour of it !!!"

"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of
principle !!!"

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5 Undeniable Facts:

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is
grown up when he starts removing them.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes, but we never realize that
the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a
hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Condoms don't guarantee safe s*x anymore. A friend of mine was wearing
one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Carlton
Draught, XXXX Gold, Toohey's New,
& Crown Lager. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is
available.

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Weird Facts:

20 Weird Facts You Didn't Know You Need to Know
I like to know things, and I consider myself a knowledge collector. I have
collected a lot of tidbits of information, some important, some useless and
some simply entertaining. Now, I wish to share some of my knowledge with
you! Below, I have put historical facts, lesser-known facts and plain
bizarre ones, for your enjoyment.

The end.

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Quirkiest Roads:

The 13 Quirkiest Roads
The Steepest

Baldwin Street in Dunedin, New Zealand is the world's steepest residential
street, reaching a maximum of 19 degrees.
The Most Dizzying

Passo dello Stelvio in the Ortler Alps in Italy has 48 hairpin turns,
an average incline of 7.4% -- and 6% is about the maximum for U.S.
Highways.
The Scariest

Guoliang Tunnel in Hunan, China was chiselled by hand into the Taihang
Mountains in the 1970s and is lined with windows to terrifying views. It
has a clearance of only 15 feet,
a width of 12 feet, and a precipice around every other bend.
The Most Confusing

The Magic Roundabout in Swindon, England consists of five mini-roundabouts
arranged in a circle.
The Narrowest

Exeter, England's Parliament Street, which dates back to the 1300s,
is the narrowest street in the world, measuring less than 25â³ at its
narrowest point.
The Longest

The Pan-American highway connects the mainland nations of the Americas and
is 29,800 miles long. It's the longest "motorable" road in the world,
according to Guinness World Records.
The Most Stubborn

This road just won't move. The Umeda exit of the Hanshin Expressway in
Osaka,
Japan runs right through the city's Gate Tower Building.
The Shortest

With just one house on it, Ebenezer Place in Wick, Caithness, Scotland is
the shortest street in the world, measuring just 6.8 ft.
The Widest

At almost 460 feet wide including side streets, 9 de Julio Avenue in Buenos
Aires,
Argentina is the widest street in the world.
The Crookedest

Had to include the most obvious: Lombard Street in San Francisco.
It has 8 switchbacks because the road would have been too steep for most
vehicles to traverse otherwise.
The Oldest

The Road to Giza is the worldâs oldest known paved road. At over 4,600
years old it was used to transport the enormous blocks of basalt for
building from the quarries to a lake adjoining the Nile.
The Most Dangerous

Yungas Road, which runs from from La Paz to Coroico in western Bolivia,
is nicknamed the Road of Death because of its nearly 2,000-foot drops,
without guardrails, and the countless accidents that have happened on it.
The road ranges in elevation from 4000 feet to more than 15,000 feet and is
as narrow as 10 feet in some sections.
The Best-Connected

The Atlanterhavsveien, also known as the Atlantic Road,
is a roughly 5-mile stretch of road on Norway's west coast that consists of
8 bridges that cross over an archipelago of 8 different islands, which
creates an incredibly scenic drive.

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Smart Phones....& Tablets and itouch at risk:

You MUST watch this video and see how we are ALL at risk with our Smart
Phones!!!

This is extremely important!!! Please watch....
 Click here

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Bloody Awesome:
 Click here

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What do retired guys do?:
 Click here

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Amazing Quotes:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Note from grandpa:

Two years ago I took my grandson to his 1st rugby match.
Good grandfather and grandson stuff right?
Male bonding, right?
I buy him hot dogs, pop, ice cream!
He sees our team win !!!

But....
Will he remember the time we spent together?
Will he remember the taste of the hot dogs?
Flavour of the Ice Cream? Size of the pies?
Will he often think of the penalty in extra time?

NAH!
What will he remember............?
 Click here

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English ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE WENT WRONG!--he got a big fright:
 Click here

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PM:
 Click here

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Coming soon to your airport ?:
 Click here

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Golf Signs.. got these from First-to-Worst:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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APPLE DOES IT AGAIN:
 Click here
Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted!

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Aeronova Plane Wash:
 Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Dash Cam Fails (All new Oct 2014)
 Click here

pibot
 Click here

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Prisons:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Elmer and Elsie
 Click here

Inactivite Chair
 Click here

Liechtenstein
 Click here

Naples Subways
 Click here

How Do You Give Medicine to a Panda?
 Click here

Fractures - Chernobyl 2014
 Click here

Salzburg, Austria
 Click here

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NSW Police get Porsche:
 Click here Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

The Versailles Train
 Click here

The Human Clock (Oldie, but still the best)
 Click here

Air New Zealand Pre-Flight Safety Video (Lord of the Rings)
 Click here

Italian Marble Extraction (Interesting)
 Click here

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Female medical:
 Click here

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs
pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
.
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OSCER:
 Click here

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Why Older Men Don't Get Hired...:
 Click here

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Older Man : "My honesty..."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is necessarily a weakness."

Older Man : "I don't really give a f*ck what you think."

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[ End friday humour ]

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