Friday humour - October 10, 2014

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

Bathurst 1000 this weekend gang. This iconic race on one of the worlds most
difficult circuits has been going for many decades.
The town of Bathurst fills with all sorts of humanity to watch the racing
or to watch each other. I have friends who go up every year, they camp
track-side and get deep into the event.
Another lot of Aussies sit in front of the TV for a couple of days watching
the whole event from start to finish.
Bathurst, an event to be experienced at least once, in one way or another.

Our contributors this week are Anonymous3, Duke of Barsinov, Seasoldier,
Wally, Whizzbang.

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Ceramics at the Senior Citizen's Centre (Language warning - ED)
This is so funny!!
Ceramics at the Senior Citizen's Centre
 Click here

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ubject: 51 places you want to see now, maybe visit someday

Take a minute or two to view these photos of ABSOLUTELY AMAZING places
around our world.
 Click here

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Grocery Store Coronation Anthem Flashmob

This is beautiful – right between the bananas and the cole slaw
 Click here

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A wife's tale
In a dark and hazy room, peering intently into a crystal ball, the Gypsy
Mystic delivered extremely grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so
I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken and with tears
starting to appear in the corners of her eyes, Karen stared at the woman's
lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She brushed away the tears, took a few deep breaths to compose herself and
stop her mind from racing. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be
acquitted?"

For some reason, wives tend to like this joke

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Unfall mit Gasflaschen
Make sure your propane/acetylene cylinders are secure!!
This is in Russia. The truck was carrying gas tanks,
 Click here

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Wedding Photo
Very funny.
 Click here

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Are you Smarter than some?

The guy who doesn't know how to block the Sun
The girl who can't pump gas
The person that thinks they drive a shopping cart
The person that is wondering why their bike is always stolen
The person that shouldn't have passed their road test
The man that forgot how to open an umbrella
The guy who is more concerned about his hair's safety
This singer that forgot how to hold the mic

See, you're smarter than you thought.

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Marriage Jokes

A teacher asks a student:
"What kind of woman would you like to be with when you're all grown up?"
"A woman like the moon!" Answers the kid.
"That's beautiful," breathes the teacher, "what a choice! Because you'd
like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?"
"No, I'd like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!"

Death

After Bob died, everyone gathered at his funeral. Then the minister started
to speak: "He was a model husband, a decent man, a terrific father.."
The widow then makes a motion for her son to come to her.
"What is it mother?" he whisper.
"Dear, go check the casket, I think we're at the wrong funeral..."

Hope

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "What do you mean nothing? You've been staring at our marriage
certificate for over an hour!"
Husband: "Yea, I'm checking the expiration date."

Neighbours

"The new neighbours are so in love," remarks Susan to her husband, "he hugs
her, kisses her and strokes her hair. Why don't you do that?"
"Because I don't know her that well."

Donations

Knock on the door.
"Hello sir, would you like to contribute something to the old folks home?"
"Yes, actually." Beams the old man.
"Alice, put your jacket on, and pack a suitcase!"

Shopping

An elderly couple is walking in the city, hand in hand, when they pass a
jewellery store.
The wife turns to her husband with a smile:
"Love, would you buy me a chain?"
"Why?" Asks the husband, "Tired of being free?"

Qualities

A woman asks her husband:
"What do you like about me the most? My beautiful face or my s*xy body?"
The husband gives her a long, appreciating look.
"Your sense of humour."

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The Zipper

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was
wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first
step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So,
a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her
chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver,
she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,

"How dare you touch my body!

I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."

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Mouse Tester (Oldie, but a Goodie)
 Click here
PS – Wait till it loads

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My Next Car! Just cancelled my order for a new Jaguar!!!!
 Click here

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Keys....a Police warning.

Be on your guard, just had a warning from police about keys.

We are being warned about 4 keys that can open 87% of cars and 99% of
houses.

This is not a joke, the keys you need to be on the lookout for are:-

Dar-keys, Pak-keys, Bi-keys and Jun-keys.

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BAD~~PARROT !!!!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else
he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was
fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the
parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few
minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there
was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd
hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot
calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may
have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was
stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the
parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

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Driving in Thailand
look at this....incredible, bit slow to start but stick with it !

An example of the driving skills of a new member of The Thailand
Institute Of Advanced Motorists
 Click here

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Leroy's hearing!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

In a Tottenham church Sunday morning the preacher said, "Anyone with
'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the
front of the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray for about you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher,
I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in
Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed
and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

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The wedding ring
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

35,000 Walruses
 Click here

Sign Him Up (Sign Him Up)
 Click here

Ebola (The Facts)
 Click here

Edward Yudenich (7yo Conductor)
 Click here

Going First Class (Only for the Rich)
 Click here

Dance of 1,000 Hands (Absolutely Fabulous)
 Click here

Mr. Blue (Should be in Jail)
 Click here

Cat Deeley – Quiet Please (Language)
 Click here

84 Illegal Photos
 Click here

USS Laffey
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Ironing Board Magic
 Click here

Toot Tone
 Click here

Flyboard Family
 Click here

Babies
 Click here

The Piano Guys – Batman Evolution
 Click here

Farmer Rescues Bear
 Click here

Making a Mercedes Engine
 Click here

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Leopard Dive Bomb
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Turtles
 Click here

Perfect
 Click here

Dirtiest Household Items
 Click here

The Meaning of Life (by a young girl)
 Click here

Acer (only 22 inches high)
 Click here

Purple Salt
 Click here

MOTA SmartRing
 Click here

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Specsavers
 Click here

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Angellala Creek ammonium nitrate explosion -
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Love these
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Trees Magnificent
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Quote of the Week:

“If Government were a product, selling it would be illegal.” - P.J.
O'Rourke

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[ End friday humour ]

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