Friday humour - September 26, 2014

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Fundamentalist resentment and anger came into sharp focus this week with
Extremist hate speech versus adoration aimed at the newly released Apple
Iphone.
True believers who refer to themselves as Android users, scoffed at the
sale price, iOS8 software, continuing battery drain and bendable screens
that aren't supposed to bend and crack. At least upgrade users can
allegedly recharge the device wirelessly (instructions included below).
Meanwhile, windows phone users are keeping a low profile because they don't
know what to believe.
Contributions flooded in at a snails pace because only a few citizens have
NBN access, from Anonymous3, Arfermo, Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier,
Wally, Whizzbang, Clooney's Twin, Sack and anon.

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Old Swingers Pete & Beulah Mae:
 Click here

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A joke:

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old
gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then
leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

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Car fit for any purpose:
Trabant

Q. How do you double the value of a Trabant?
A. Fill up the tank!
===
Q. How do you turn a Trabant into a sports car?
A. Put sneakers in the trunk!
===
During a visit to the Leipzig Trade Fair a filthy rich oil sheikh heard
that there is a car with a delivery time of over ten years. Since Rolls
Royce usually delivers more quickly than that, it must be quite an
exceptional car, which he would certainly have to have in his collection.
Sight unseen, he made a request to order this Trabant. In Zwickau they're
aware of this great honour, so they immediately change the running
Five-Year Plan and bring forward a specimen. In the container, the car
reaches the emirate in a handful of weeks. The happy oil sheikh immediately
called his friends together, opened the container, and surprisedly
exclaimed: "Gosh, they have incredibly long delivery times, but at least
they send you a cardboard model in advance - and the best, you can even
drive it!"
===
Sachsenring AG brought out a new Eco-Trabi: Immediately available for
delivery, extremely cheap, extremely quiet, extremely environmentally
friendly - with electric power train. Problem: The extension cord is only
20 meters long and not in stock!
===
A customer walks into a Trabi dealer.
Customer: "I want a Trabi with a two-tone paint job."
Dealer: Yes, sir! It also comes with a turbocharged engine, antiskid
braking, radial tires and a Blaupunkt stereo.
Customer: You're joking.
Dealer: Well, you started it!
===
Q. How many workers does it take to build a Trabi?
A. two, one to fold and one to paste.
===
Q. How do you measure the acceleration of a Trabant?
A. With a diary.
===
Q. Why do some Trabants have heated rear windows?
A. To keep your hands warm when pushing.
===
Q. What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Trabant?
A. You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.

Now you know.

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No comment:
 Click here

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Irish Drunk:

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in
Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will
buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end
of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to
the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your
business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling
her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be
a ballerina!

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Scottish Independence:

THE QUEEN IS IN GLASGOW WHERE SHE BUMPED INTO ALEX SALMOND.

HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS: Nice to see you Maam. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we
win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then Ill be a King?

HMtQ: No, we dont like that.

 AS: What about an Empire, and I'll be Emperor?

HMtQ: No. I dont think so.

AS: OK, so how about calling it a Principality, and then Ill be a Prince?

HMtQ: No, Mr Salmond. May I suggest we call it a Country?

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Ladies gone to the dogs:

Two women were out for a Sat*rday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other,
a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman
Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of
dark glasses and started to walk in..
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the
heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A Chihuahua ?
They gave me a f---ing Chihuahua?

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Never Too Old:

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . .. ......... Since her
new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and
Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new
but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night
together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and
there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as
one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to
go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny
consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his
bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back
again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for
more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good
once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS. Have I sent this to you already?

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NOW THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME MORE THAN JUST A FEW TIMES:
 Click here

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Poetry:
An Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists;

A) The university graduate.

B) An old aboriginal man.

They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and
come up with a short four line poem that contained the word.

The word they were given on this occasion was ' TIMBUKTU '.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu ..

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they
thought.

The old aboriginal man calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ..

The aboriginal man won.

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Things Found Inside Ears:

1
An Inch-Long C*ckroach

Sales of ear plugs may well skyrocket as a result of one poor Australian
man's ordeal with a c*ckroach.
Hendrik Helmer from Darwin revealed that he was recently forced to seek
help from a doctor after a c*ckroach burrowed into his right ear while he
was asleep â and refused to come out.

Mr. Helmer was alerted to the presence of the unwanted tenant by a sharp
pain in his ear, which woke him up. The pain rapidly got worse so Mr.
Helmer tried to suck out the critter with a vacuum cleaner.

When that failed to work his flatmate decided that it would be best to seek
medical help. The doctor's initial strategy, thinking the insect was small,
was to put olive oil down the ear, but that only made matters worse. The
c*ckroach simply burrowed further in.

The doctor eventually pulled the c*ckroach out with forceps and its size
astonished them both, because it was an inch long.

2
A Live Spider

A woman in China who went to Changsha Central Hospital was in for a
surprise when she sought help for an itch in her left ear. Doctors removed
a spider from her ear canal that had been living inside her for five days.

Doctors used a saline solution to flush the spider out of her ear in order
to prevent it from burrowing deeper inside the ear canal or biting her.
This procedure was successful, and the woman was said to have burst into
tears of gratitude after Dr. Liu Sheng told her the good news.

The spider may have crawled in while she slept in her home during
renovations. Photos have surfaced of the spider lodged in the woman's ear
canal that show the creature's eyes and front legs .

3
Flesh Eating Worms

When Rochelle Harris returned home to England from a trip to Peru, she kept
hearing a scratching sound in her ear. When she started to have severe
headaches and noticed a discharge coming from one ear, she decided to visit
her doctor.
The first doctor brushed off her condition as an ear infection, but
specialists later discovered that the 27-year-old had flesh-eating maggots
lodged in her ear. Tests showed that Harris had no damage to her eardrum,
blood vessels, or facial nerves, but the worms did chew a 12-millimeter
hole in her ear canal.

Harris eventually underwent surgery, during which doctors found a "writhing
mass of maggots" in her ear. Some had laid eggs. The eight maggots were
larvae of the New World Screwworm Fly (Cochliomyia hominivorax). The fly
breeds in wounds on mammals and humans. A female can lay up to 250 eggs,
which can hatch within 24 hours.

4
A Live Moth

A 12-year-old boy in Colorado had to be taken to the emergency room to
remove a moth from his ear.
Wade Schlote said the pain from the insect being inside his ear was so
intense that he was screaming and crying.

After a few failed attempts to get the moth out by drowning it and
irrigating it, doctors finally reached into the boy's ear and pulled it out
with tweezers. Wade said that the moth was still alive and started flying
around.

5
A Watch Battery

A Northampton boy headed to A&E with his grandmother after confessing to
snapping a pencil in his ear a week earlier. Upon investigation and
removal, the A&E Doctor found that the pencil was actually a watch battery.

6
A Live Dandelion

A young girl from Beijing, China wasn't growing potatoes; however, she did
have a dandelion growing in her ear, for real.

The parents of 16-month-old Ranran took their child to the doctor after
seeing something growing inside her ear. What doctors found in Ranran's ear
was aâfully-formed dandelionâ about 2 cm long, which was completely
filling the girl's ear canal.

The removal process only took moments for the stunned doctors; however,
doctors said that it was not an easy task since the flower was rather
tenacious.

7
57 Maggots

A 92-year-old woman with Alzheimer's Disease was found with 57 maggots
crawling in her ear while she was under the care of a nursing home that
costs around $10,000 a month.

The family of Catherine McCann sued the home for negligence and emotional
distress. Her 88-year-old husband John McCann spent his life savings paying
for her to be looked after by the Lutheran Home for the Aged in Arlington
Heights, Chicago.

Medics treating her believe that a fly crawled into the ear and laid eggs,
which hatched into nearly 60 maggots. Experts studying the sample say that
the maggots had been in her ear for two or three days before she was
brought in.

One maggot was found crawling out of her ear when she entered the ward.

8
A Tooth

Dr. Simon Gane, founder of the Clear Ear Clinic, which is a London-based
clinic dedicated to removing ear wax, once had to remove a tooth from a
young female patient's ear. According to the doctor, the little girl
"wanted to keep it somewhere safe for the tooth fairy."

9
A Barbie Shoe

Parents of a preschooler were left worried when they were told that their
kid had a tumor in his ear which could be a dangerous form of fast-growing
cancer that could have spread to his brain.

Thankfully, surgeons soon discovered that it was actually a pink Barbie
shoe! He had stuck it in his ear much earlier and tissue had grown around
it over time..

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Fascinating!... 8 balls moving in straight lines...:
 Click here

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Russia has got talent:
 Click here

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Learn more in 5 minutes than in 5 years:
Some of the facts below about 't everyday things are simply mind-boggling.
From Olympic sized gold pools to strawberries being kicked out of the berry
family, we didn't believe them at first.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The first one is wrong.Mueller Co made the first Fire Hydrant.

I just learned more in 5 minutes than in 5 years. For real.

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Bad start to a blind date:
 Click here

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Funnies:
 Click here Click here

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Biker bites the dust:
 Click here

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Have a laugh:
 Click here Click here Click here

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Apple watch:
 Click here

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Wireless charging your iphone:
 Click here

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Quad cat:
 Click here
If a taxidermist can help do this to one cat, why not to every cat?.

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Animals That Accidentally Saw You Naked:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Eye Test - Sheep:
 Click here Click here
Time for another vision test 'SENIOR' EYE TEST

HILARIOUS! (and I did see sheep...at first... Then I looked closer to see
if I recognized anyone! )

Eye test for those over 40

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Paintings_not_Photographs:
 Click here

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 Great Opportunity:
We are planning a trip for July 31, 2015 to the home of one of the earliest
Indian settlements in North Carolina .
The excursion will consist of a ten day trip to the Cherokee Nation, and a
guided tour along the river which runs through it.
Cost of the river trip is $ 960.00 P/P which includes all meals. If you'd
like to go too, book early, as we anticipate space will be
Extremely limited. We'll do some sight seeing, wildlife photography and
that sort of thing. The highlight of the trip will be the run through the
white water rapids.
What makes the trip especially meaningful is that our river guide is a
full-blooded Cherokee; born and raised in the area, and extremely
knowledgeable of the territory and any obstacles we may encounter on our
journey.
If you are interested, let us know as soon as possible.
This trip is often sold out a year or two in advance.
OUR GUIDE
Her Name is UWANA TUCHUM
Don't forget ... Let us know if you would like a spot on the trip.
Old Fart River Trips, Inc.
Cold Mountain, NC 28734
 Click here Click here

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Pearson airport to Toronto rail link.:
 Click here

New Malton(Pearson airport) to Toronto rail link.

Apparently the 3 levels of Government have now agreed to forge ahead with
the new rail link between Pearson Airport and Toronto.

This is because it will be much quicker, easier and cheaper for families
arriving at Pearson International visit their relations in Toronto and the
GTA.

The Government has proudly released this artist's impression of how the new
rail link will look in action; due to be completed well ahead of the 2015
Pam Am Games.

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What Do I Look Like?:
 Click here

A couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns
home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the
bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?"
"What do I look like, a plumber?" Asks the husband, and goes to sleep.

A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says,
"honey, my car doesn't start, I think it may need a new battery, could you
change it for me?".
"What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown.

A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says,
"Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?"
"What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these
things yourself!"

He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he
says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of."
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed,
the car is running and the pipes are brand new.

"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife.
"Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's
a handyman, he said he'd fix the whole thing if I just bake him a cake, or
sleep with him."

"Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?"
"What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"

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Turkish Ice Cream Vendor:
 Click here

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Penguin Dilemma:
 Click here

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ALS Challenge Redneck Style:
 Click here

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Interesting Stuff:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Reporter quits on Live TV [language]:
Alaskan KTVA reporter Charlo Greene quit on live TV, after revealing she
was the founder of the AK Cannabis Club.
 Click here
(PS Hope YouTube leaves it up till you watch it)

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Who said Sheep were Dumb?
 Click here

Dogs of the World
 Click here

Girl Saves Horse
 Click here

The Phobia List
 Click here

Girl has a Win (Drags on)
 Click here

Our Planet (from top to bottom)
 Click here

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More Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Rush Hour (Brilliant)
 Click here

The Dancing Traffic Light
 Click here

Butterfly
 Click here

Good News
 Click here

Ryno Bike
 Click here

Pan Am flies again
 Click here

35 Jobs that no longer Exist
 Click here

The Beaches of Italy
 Click here

The Taj Mahal Trick
 Click here

Sporting Venues
 Click here

Valerie Taylor & Moray Eel
 Click here

Russian Air Display (16 min)
 Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Thunderstorms
 Click here

Bee Mochi
 Click here

Towels (Oldie, but a Goodie)
 Click here

Bridges
 Click here

Good Morning from Space
 Click here

Billiards Trick Shots
 Click here

Manta Ray
 Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Shocking Children's Toys
 Click here

Willie Nelson Card Trick
 Click here

Day/Night Photos of Cities
 Click here

World Air Traffic (In real time)
 Click here

Three Little Pigs (Shakespeare style)
 Click here

Making a Wolverine Boot (since 1883)
 Click here

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Cooking with the Stars:
 Click here Click here

In 1967, US actress Dinah Shore put together a celebrity cookbook named
Cooking With The Stars. Both Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra submitted
recipes, which have since, become classics.

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Don't Pull the Plug:
 Click here Click here

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Find the Title:
 Click here

1 - Kiya Ingham is a Hero
or

2 - Why women should not be Police Officers?
 Click here

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Colours:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Invention of the Year (Egg Separator):
(I could watch this for hours, you keep waiting for another one to drop,
but it only goes 1 min 17 sec ... Wally)
 Click here

PS Yeah, I know, Doris told me, small things & small minds etc. .

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Irish Logic:
 Click here Click here

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub, watching the Tour de France on TV.

Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

Do what?" asked Mick..

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e
bends. Day after day, week after week.

No matter if it's oicy, rainin, snowin and hailin. ... .. Why would they
torture themselves like that?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick. "You know the
winner gets about a half a million Euros?"

"Yeah, I understand that," said Seamus.. "But why do all the others do it?"

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New Watch:
 Click here
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman...
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just
testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

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Motivation:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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