Friday humour - September 12, 2014

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Ohio Amish barn raising in 3 minutes
 Click here
Condensed!

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: How Wolves Change Rivers
This is a wonderful video about the true value of wolves ….If you
haven't seen it enjoy
 Click here

Subject: GOOD APPETITE CHINESE DINER

To reassure skeptics about the antiseptic process followed by the Chinese -
Note that the pastry is very clean, she wears gloves ...
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:BRITISH PENNY

The British Penny

European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single
European currency, the Euro,

all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
Ireland must be made aware that the phrase

"Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 December 2014

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating" .

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: Women's response to a survey on size .......

 2 inches - I can't even hold it.
 3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied
 4 inches - I've had bigger than that
 5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger!
 6 inches - Perfect.
 7 inches - Love it.
 8 inches - Wow!, but can't have it all.
 9 inches - Painful but manageable.
 10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway
Sandwiches..
But I'm a little disturbed at the way you think!

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Lessons from the bible.

 According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in
Palestine
A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir,
Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc

And he managed to find 12 friends called
John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew,
Andrew and Simon
..... who all drank wine

That's what I call a miracle

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Financial Planning

Bert was a single guy living at home with his widowed father and
working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune, when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One
evening at a business meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary
man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll
inherit at least £200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later . . .
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Subject: The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won !!

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next 
race, and it won that race too.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!

The Bishop fainted ….

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.

So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey, and take it to the plains
where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. . .. being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery,
even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

Have a nice day and laugh!

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From: Wally
Subject: William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather, and his badly behaved
3 years old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full, with the child screaming
for lollies in the confectionary aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and
for fruit, cereal and 'poppers' in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, poor Pa is working his way around, saying in a very controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, my boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandfather calmly say, to no avail,
"It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes, and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, matey"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax, don't
get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
groceries, and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept
your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you
as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . . . the little bastard's
name is Kevin."

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: WHEN U BLACK U BLACK

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a
great sense of humour...
And creative!!!

When U Black, U Black!

When I was born, I was BLACK
When I grew up, I was BLACK
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK
When I got cold, I was BLACK
When I was scared, I was BLACK
When I was sick, I was BLACK
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK

NOW, you'white' folks .....

When you're born, you're PINK
When you grow up, you're WHITE
When you go in the sun, you get RED
When you're cold, you turn BLUE
When you're scared, you're YELLOW
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE
And when you die, you look GREY

So why y'all be callin' us
COLOURED Folks?

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND and maybe in the world!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Tales from OZ

New South Wales

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the
dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power
of the car ..

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal
even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the
copper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up
to the car.
He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I've never
before heard – I'll let you go.."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Thirty three years ago, my wife
ran off with a policeman,
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the copper.

Queensland

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying
an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said,
"You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some
help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

Tasmania

A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, "When the end of
the world comes, I hope to be here."

When asked why, he replied,
"I'd rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania
20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Northern Territory

The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate,
"Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!"

Johnno replied, "Did ya see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."

Western Australia

A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper
asked,
"Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "about what?"

Victoria

The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute
into the ditch.
The copper asked,
"Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign
right over your head."

"Yep," he replied.
"That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: 'Fine For
Dumping Garbage.'"

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Challenge
 Click here

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From: Mitta
Subject: Vlad vs the World
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: WRENCHES - a spanner in the works
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
The Wrench Guy.....

Where in the world does he get all those wrenches?

This guy must go to every garage sale in the country.
Retired Helicopter Mechanic? The wrench guy..
I'd hate to be in his backyard during a lighting
storm...
How cool is this guy? He lives near Boort Victoria ,
and does it all by himself from a wheel chair...
So, Don't ever be afraid to follow your dreams.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: I have seen the photo and can see what she means - she doesn't
look normal to me either
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: LOOK --- I bought a Jeep!
 Click here

Wow!!!....
You bought a Jeep?
Yes, I bought a Jeep!
You bought a Jeep????????
Yes Michael, I bought a Jeep??
with full warranty !!! hehe

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From: Sack
Subject: Most adults can't solve it
 Click here

There is a reason why the question shown below, from a Hong Kong
elementary school test, is making the rounds on the internet. Most adults
can't solve it – not for want of math skills, but because most of them
have lost the child's ability of unconventional thinking. Instead, they
have acquired the debilitating unwillingness to try a different
perspective. Look closely.

The answer to the problem is provided at the bottom, but before you give
up, here are some clues.

This problem is not mathematical, but rather philosophical. It
proves that, in spite of what the modern "progressive" philosophers tell
us, not all viewpoints are equally valid; in most cases, there is only one
point of view that leads to the right answer.

If you're still unsure about the answer, see below.
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: BLESS OLD BRITS.
 Click here

It happened in an Underground station in London . There were protesters
on the concourse handing out pamphlets on the evils of Britain. I politely
declined to take one.
An elderly lady behind me was getting off the escalator and a young
female protester offered her a pamphlet, which the lady politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the woman's shoulder as a gesture of
friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Madam, don't you care about the 
children of Iraq?"

The elderly lady looked up at her and said, "My dear, my father died in
France during World War 2, I lost my husband in Korea and my grandson in
Afghanistan . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and
bad mouth our country. So if you touch me again,  I'll stick this umbrella 
right up your ar*e and open it."

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Seagulls....
 Click here
Why we hate Seagulls.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Acts 2:38
 Click here

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may
be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the
burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a
scripture to you.'

"Scripture?",replied the burglar."She said she had an ax and
two 38s!"

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From: Wally
Subject: 2014 Sony Photo Awards
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Hotel Marcincak
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: World Leaders
 Click here

WORLD LEADERS

Most countries lead the world in something.

Sometimes good things, sometimes not so good things,

and sometimes funny things. This map shows what

each country does best compared to all other countries.

Russia: Raspberries and nuclear warheads

Cameroon: Killer lakes

Australia: Shark Attacks and Skin Cancer (melanoma)

US: Death by lawnmower

Mexico: Getting struck by lightning

South Africa: Ostriches

Finland: Coffee-drinking

Spain: Cocaine use

Canada: Maple syrup and asteroid impacts

New Zealand: Sheep and rugby

Malaysia: Caves

Greenland: Personal space

Ireland: Highest quality of life

Democratic Republic of Congo: Pygmy chimpanzees

Cambodia: Longest alphabet

India: Movies

South Pole: Emperor penguins

Sweden: Atheism

Japan: Robots

Larger Zoom-able Version Map here
 Click here

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From: Wally
I'll take the next bus please
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Ice box
 Click here

If you were the first one to discover this hanging glacier,
what would you name it?

Me too!!!!

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From: Wally
Subject: Paper Sculptures
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Good Idea, but ....
 Click here

Glass
 Click here

Low Flying
 Click here

AeroMobil
 Click here

Container Ship in Hong Kong
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Japanese KFC Competition
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Time Lapse Bike Ride through Melbourne
 Click here

Beer, Wine, or Spirits?
 Click here

Ants Work Together
 Click here

Rare Historical Moments
 Click here

The World at War (Currently there are 10)
 Click here

Roller Coaster Accidents
 Click here

Who are They?
 Click here

Cleaning Solutions
 Click here

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From: Wally
Australian TV Fails
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Marriage made with Maths
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Pope Francis
 Click here Click here
Did you know Pope Francis was a bouncer in Buenos Aires,
while he was studying to be a Priest, before he came Pope

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Abdul
 Click here

The Muslim across the road started yelling,
"I'm going to end it all!",
and started to pour petrol over himself.

As he was about to strike a match, I shouted,
"Abdul, no! Stop, wait, it's times like these
that you need your family around you!"

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And:
A Student approached the Professor and asked, "Can you offer the example
of the Perfect Dilemma?"

The Professor thought for a moment and said, " You are laying in a King
Sized bed, there is a beautiful blond, naked, lying to your left and to
your right laying there is a 130kg homos*xual. The dilemma is one which
side do you sleep."

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[ End friday humour ]

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