Friday humour - August 15, 2014


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Dave Feherty - CBS GOLF ANNOUNCER

He once said, "It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in
that group."

A few choice Dave Feherty quotes are below. If you watch golf on TV, he's
often an announcer with a distinct Northern Ireland accent and a colourful
way of putting things,. . . . . so to speak. Feherty is a CBS and Golf
Channel announcer who finds very unique and uninhibited ways of explaining
or describing whatever is on his mind ... (he,s probably always on time
delay these days).

Feherty Quotes:

"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the
strongest muscle in his body."

"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in
bacon."

"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the
birth of his next wife."

Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than
Elton John's chin."

(I thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at that one.)

"That's a great shot with that swing."

"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

At Augusta 2011

"It's just a glorious day. Th a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day
like this would be to play golf on it."

"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a
balloon near the edge of a cliff."

"That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".

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This is really serious stuff to be ignored at your peril. Be warned.

ARE YOU INSURED FOR S*X? Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the
s*x you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

S*x with your wife - Legal & General.
S*x on the telephone - Direct Line.
S*x with your Partner - Standard Life.
S*x with someone Different - Go Compare.
S*x with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.
S*x with a posh bird - Privileged.
S*x with a transvestite - Confused.com !

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Due to technical difficulties, Suicide Bombing 102 has been cancelled. 
Please keep watching the class schedule for more information.

An Isis commander at a terrorist training camp north of Baghdad
accidentally detonated a belt packed with explosives during a demonstration
in front of a group militants on Monday, killing himself and 21 nearby
trainees.The accident was a source of dark humour for locals, with suicide
attacks in public spaces having become an almost daily occurrence in Iraq.A
bomber struck a falafel shop near the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in
Baghdad last week, and when told of the bungled training demonstration by
the New York Times, Raad Hashim, who works at a liquor store near the site
of the bombing, burst out laughing.

"This is so funny," he said. "It shows how stupid they are, those dogs and
sons of dogs." On a more serious note, he added: "It also gives me pain, as
I remember all the innocent people that were killed here." "This is God
showing justice. This is God sending a message to the bad people and the
criminals in the world, to tell them to stop the injustice and to bring
peace. Evil will not win in the end. It's always life that wins over death.

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UNBELIEVABLE DOG
 Click here

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Wing suit flyer meets his maker
 Click here

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99 Tips for a Divorce-Proof Marriage

1. Always remember, what drew you to each other in the first place.

2. Make a written and recorded commitment, that divorce is not an option.

3. Say I love you, to one another everyday.

4. Give a hug or kiss everyday.

5. Do not withhold s*x, unless its a mutual consent, or special circ*mstances!

6. At least one date night once a week, and go over and beyond to make it special

7. Become each others best friend.

8. Let no one get involved with your marital affairs including parents, in laws,
and friends!

9. Exercise, and work out together.

10. Put your children first, then your marriage, then your extended family, then 
everything else in that order.

11. Become transparent with one another.

12. Set boundaries for your marriage. It's important that you both
know what you can and cannot do.

13. Put aside your pride and ego " the winner of the argument is usually the loser!

14. Make his or her favourite meal.

15. Do things your spouse loves, without doing it on their performance.

16. Don't go tit for tat. Learn to let go.

17. Don't let the sun go down while you angry " another words try to
resolve the issue asap.

18. Fellowship, and get around other happily married couples.

19. Plan and surprise your spouse with a romantic vacations, as your budget allows.

20. Live a healthy lifestyle.

21. Don't keep any bank accounts hidden from one another.

22. Don't lie to each other. A hard truth is always better than an
easy lie.

23. Do not entertain any relationship with ex spouses or ex
boyfriends/girlfriends from your past. If children are involved the
relationship should be limited to them!

24. Spend some type of quality time with your spouse.

25. Invest in your marriage " do a marriage retreat at least twice a year.

26. If you are religious, read your holy book together, and discuss
God's plan for marriage.

27. Renew your vows " remember your promise to your spouse at the
alter " for better or worse in sickness and in health.

28. Be ready to make many sacrifices " things you may not feel like
doing " but do them anyway.

29. Be ready to make many compromises.

30. Listen to your spouse's guidance.

31. If your marriage is on the rocks, don't wait to get counselling.

32. Hear one another out.

33. Try to resolve problems and issues, when you're both calm.

34. Instead of trying to be right, look for the solution that brings peace.

35. Do not use sarcasm.

36. Tell your spouse you can't live without them.

37. If you know you did wrong, be ready to make things right.

38. Be ready to apologize, and be ready to forgive when the situation arises.

39. Fight for your marriage!

40. Understand that you need the love of your spouse, and they need yours.

41. Keep good company around you and yours, You want people who can encourage 
and uplift you!

42. Husbands help out around the house " remember that your wife is a
helpmate, but that doesn't mean she does everything.

43. Wives encourage your husband give them praise, it strengthens them.

44. Find out your strengths and weaknesses, and be ready to help one another 
with where you are weak.

45. Support one another's goals and dreams.

46. Always consult one another, when making big decisions.

47. Give many compliments to one another.

48. Understand the grass is not greener, you just have to water your lawn more.

49. Don't compare your marriage with someone else's " you don't know
what is going on behind closed doors.

50. Watch what you take into your spirit. Today's reality shows, our
society's view, and what you see on TV are not good examples for marriage.

51. Never embarrass your spouse in public " deal with your issues in private.

52. If needed seek marital counselling, it can help.

53. Do not verbally abuse your spouse.

54. Do not physically abuse your spouse.

55. Do not bring up your past arguments, and disagreements.

56. Never bring up or use something in an argument, your spouse told
you in confidence about him or her.

57. Let your spouse know you can be trusted.

58. Don't give your spouse any reason to feel insecure.

59. Read books on becoming a better husband.

60. Read books on becoming a better wife.

61. Learn your spouses love language.

62. Always be in a learning process with getting to know your spouses
likes and dislikes.

63. Go to a Christian bookstore or your church invest in marriage
counselling materials, complete the exercises workbooks, worksheets etc.

64. Try not to let your children see you in disagreement or arguing.

65. Husbands surprise her with roses and the like, not just for
birthdays, holidays, and anniversary, but just because.

66. Wives, your husband loves surprises also, put on one of his
favourite nighties just because.

67. Don't always try to get your way, but try to find a way that
works for both of you.

68. Alone time " yes its needed, but don't go overboard. Let your
mate know you're thinking of them.

69. Its healthy to have your time with friends, so long as they
respect your marriage.

70. Never cheat.

71. Never try to justify a wrong.

72. Stay fit and stay looking your best for your husband or wife.

73. Hear your spouse out before jumping to conclusions.

74. Don't keep your spouse in the dark about things.

75. Never badmouth your spouse to anyone.

76. Keep your love life between the two of you.

77. Don't let single girlfriends or guy friends do anything to
compromise your marriage.

78. Open your spouse up to new things, that are healthy for him or her.

79. Be open to new things, allow your spouse the chance to treat you
like a King or Queen.

80. Communicate " he or she cannot read your mind.

81. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

82. Take your time to cool off, but when you start acting like
roommates, your marriage is in trouble.

83. Love, respect, loyalty, and faithfulness should all be a given.

84. Have a vision and purpose for your marriage.

85. Keep in mind your spouse is not your enemy, but your best friend.

86. Don't look at marriage as an obligation, but look at it as chance
to love your mate unconditionally.

87. Our character should reflect the fruits of the spirit, love,
patience, kindness, and longsuffering.

88. Your objective should not be to change your spouse, but for your
spouse to see your change.

89. You can't change your spouse, but you can change how you love
them, and how you react to them.

90. Your objective should be to make your spouse a better person, as
a result of being with you not by control, but by love.

91. Husbands make love to her mind during the day, and the rest wil follow.

92. Wives spend time encouraging him and supporting him, and there is
nothing you won't happily get.

93. Don't focus on your spouse weakness, but focus on their strengths.

94. Work as a team.

95. Ask your mate for areas where they can improve in.

96. Ask your mate if there are any needs going unmet.

97. Take showers and baths together.

98. Do it by surprise from time to time, leave love notes around the house.

99. Look into his or her eyes, touch their face, and give thanks for
him or her, who puts up with you during the good and bad times.

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PARENTING QUESTIONS

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness, or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's s*x?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labour?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause kidney stones
A: Pregnancy causes any  damn thing you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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Worth a watch
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Would you tell him or just watch?
 Click here

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Much, Much Better Humour Than Political Stuff...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Now Where The Hell Did I Park ??
 Click here

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So many silly people in the world - just read what they write!
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Walmart Beach, is Finally Open!
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Dog Shaming ...
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CARS YOU PROBABLY (maybe) HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE
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I found it, and have been up it ...
 Click here

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S*xual Records
 Click here

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Brutus the Crocodile
 Click here Click here Click here
Brutus the Crocodile lives in the Adelaide River,Northern Territory,
Australian. He is 5.5 metres long. Just loves eating sharks. He lost his
leg in a fight, about 40 years ago.

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Links & Photos
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 Click here

The Sea's Strangest Creatures
 Click here

Barefoot Water Skiing
 Click here

Doug McKenzie (Magic)
 Click here

Enter Pyongyang
 Click here

Lost your Phone?
 Click here

You only had One Job
 Click here

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Tooth Fairy
 Click here

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Rare Birds
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Laugh for the Day
 Click here

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DESPERATE
 Click here
NOT SURE if THIS IS REVENUE RAISING BUT I THINK IT MIGHT BE

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[ End friday humour ]

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