Friday humour - August 08, 2014

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

And now Turkey wants to ban women from laughing in public. The place must
be populated by super randy over s*xed men with no hope of self control if
a woman laughing is a threat to their morals. What's next? No talking?
Surely male total supremacy is already guaranteed there. Why would you want
to oppress women even further?

This weeks assemblage transits from the computers of Arfermo, KRP,
Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier and Wally. Enjoy!

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Hitler phones Kim Jong-un
 Click here

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Street art
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Our public transport in another 10 years.
 Click here

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Automated Beer Pourer
 Click here

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An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a
pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and
always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot
arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only
one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection,
and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.


After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the
woman one day by the stream.
'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak
out all the way back to your house.'
The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side
of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'
'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower
seeds on your side of the path,
and every day while we walk back, you water them.'
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate
the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to
grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw.
But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so
very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good
in them.

SO, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to
smell the flowers on your side of the path!

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An administrative issue.

Dear Benefits Office Manager:

My name is Mohammed Reza and I live in Birmingham, and
I would like to present before you the following story.
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old
daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times,
and he fell in love with my step-daughter.
My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father
my son-in-law.  My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my
step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the
husband of my step-daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of
my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's
grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son,
who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife,
and my uncle.

My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my
wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In
light of the above mentioned,
I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my
father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements
for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,
Mohammed.

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WELCOME to 2014:

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless • Cars – Keyless • Food – Fatless •
Tires –Tubeless • Dress – Sleeveless • Youth – Jobless •
Leaders – Shameless • Relationships – Meaningless • Attitudes –
Careless • Feelings – Heartless • Education – Valueless •
Children – Mannerless • Country – Godless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Leaders are WORTHLESS !
I'm scared - sh*tless

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Little Ralphy ...

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f*cking difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!''


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f*cking business.

I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!


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PONDERISMS

1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.

3- Life is s*xually transmitted.

4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

10- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm, How
about eggs ? . . .

13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
    (You youngin's probably will have to look this song up...)

14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

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Out of the mouths.........
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Mirrors on quiet waters - just sensational
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New take on stick figure family stickers unclassified
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Cool fire place
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Mothers and their kids
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Grappig
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Beatles or Beetles
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A tree planted in a Los Angeles park in memory of the late George Harrison
of the Beatles, has been killed by beetles.

The Japanese black pine tree, planted 12 years ago, would be replaced at a
community planting, that is due to take place in November.

It had grown to 12 feet in height, but succ*mbed to bark beetles.

The tree stood about 300 yards from the Griffith Observatory, made famous
in the knife-fighting scene in the 1955 cult movie "Rebel Without A Cause"
starring the late James Dean.

Harrison, the Beatles' lead guitarist as well as a chart-topping solo
artist, and avid gardener, lived in Los Angeles prior to his death in 2001.

A plaque at the base of the tree read: "In memory of a great humanitarian,
who touched the world as an artist, a musician, and a gardener."

This year marks the 50th anniversary of the Beatles' concert debut in the
United States.


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Links & Photos
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The Long Wait (for nothing)
 Click here

We Love Russia (1)
 Click here

We Love Russia (2)
 Click here

Boat Crashes
 Click here

Strange Weapons of War
 Click here

Koko & Robin Williams
 Click here

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S*x-Themed Restaurant
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Scania's Truck - "Traffic Jam Pilot"
 Click here

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Old Melbourne Pictures
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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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