Friday humour - August 01, 2014

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Contributors this week include Anonymous3,  Arfermo, Digi Steve, KRP,
Nottingham Smithie,  Sack, Wally, Whizzbang, Duke of Barsinov,
Mitta and others

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Good golly Miss Molly:
 Click here
Marionette dances and sings!

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Billy's dad:

BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD

Billy was at school this morning in the English countryside and the teacher
asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry
etc., but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with
him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

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I want one too ..:
 Click here

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Now that is happy .....:
 Click here

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THAT's A Flagpole:
 Click here

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Time-Lapse Video:
 Click here

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These are amazing:

At the end of every quarter the Sifter highlights the top 25 Pictures of
the Day,
 Click here
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

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Most doors are hopelessly mundane:
Most doors are hopelessly mundane, but they donāt have to be; they can also
serve as meaningful symbols of portals between worlds or between different
aspects of our lives. When we set out to create a list of beautiful doors
around the world, we were surprised to find just how many truly amazing
doors there are out there that have been decorated with beautiful
craftsmanship and artwork.

The door is probably the single part of a building's exterior that people
will interact most frequently with, so if you want a building to look
impressive up close, there's probably no better way to do this than by
having a beautiful door.
 Click here

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The Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, or BOOK for
short.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric
circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.

It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it
can be used anywhere, even sitting in an armchair by the fire, yet it is
powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable),
each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder
which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque
Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet,
doubling the information density and cutting costs.

BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned
optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the
finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting. The "browse" feature allows you
to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.

Many BOOKs come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location
of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place
you left it in a previous session, even if the BOOK has been closed.
BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be
used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user
wants to store numerous views at once.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional
programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a
new entertainment wave.

BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest.
Look for a flood of new titles soon.

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Delicate Matter:

The executive officers of the Company were called in to the chairman's
office one by one until only the newest, most junior executive was left
sitting nervously outside... Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

He entered the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors
seated solemnly around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to the young man and asked,
Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?

"No, certainly not he replied.

Are you absolutely sure? asked the chairman.

Absolutely; I've never laid a finger on her.

You'd swear to that?

Yes sir, I swear I've never slept with your secretary.

Good. Then you fire her.

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Pups for sale:

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising
the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As
he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls.
He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies..."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
"These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for moment.Then reaching deep into his pocket, he
pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here,
Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little
balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes
danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence,
the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.
Down the ramp it slid.Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup
began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.. The farmer
knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He
will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that, the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down,
and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so, he revealed a
steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a
specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well
myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little
pup.
Holding it carefully, he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge," answered the farmer,
"There's no charge for love."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

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Branding:

Branding is all about good company image and great customer feedback.
However, even the biggest brands have some qualities, which do not exactly
enhance their brandās value. Thatās why Clif D*ckens thought of a unique
way how to make fun of global brands, replacing their original slogans with
something a little bit more honest.

The brilliancy of his work is in its simplicity: by putting things that
people already know about these brands next to their logos,
they seem even more true. Nonetheless, the brands remain at the top and we
get a good laugh at them, a win-win situation for everyone!
 Click here

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Links:

Japanese Swim Team
 Click here

Meanwhile in Russia
 Click here

The Dog & The Tram
 Click here

Al Ain Paradise Garden (UAE)
 Click here

Kitchen Cheat-Sheets
 Click here

Did You Know?
 Click here

Nap Time (Might upset a few)
 Click here

Don't be a Moron
 Click here

What a Wonderful World

 Click here

D-Day (Then & Now)
 Click here

Turn Peanut Butter into Diamonds
 Click here

Buy Buy Baby
 Click here

Chinese Inventors
 Click here

Amazing Feats of Engineering
 Click here

The Willis Clan
 Click here

Sleep Well
 Click here

Thunderbird's Photographer
 Click here

The Fabulous Fifties
 Click here

Boeing Dreamliner
 Click here

Old & New
 Click here

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The Makeover:
 Click here

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TOW TRUCKER:

This is a very brief 24 second video - with sound (switch on first)
..........and try not to laugh.
 Click here

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Dying With Dignity:
 Click here Click here
Dying With Dignity
I have already informed my family that I will not be able to afford an
expensive nursing home, which would allow me to die with dignity.
Therefore, I have moved to Central America, where the dollar still goes a
long way and I can spend what little money I still have left during my
final years enjoying life and dying with Dignity
Oh, and Dignity says to say hello!

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Italian Nona:
 Click here

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him
do dat.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likeadat too, but
don'ta let him do dat eeda.

But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna
really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure.

Doing thata willa disgraza our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had
predicted:' And Nonna,
I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.

When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of
him, and disgraced
HIS family!'

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Time to make you grin:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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It's Important to Have Priorities in Life:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


It's important to have priorities in life.

As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but p*ssing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms dont guarantee safe s*x anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the womans husband.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance
Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7
Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even
find my bike.
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New pub:
 Click here

It's the place to be, the new brew pub opening up for seniors:

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Grillen van de natuur...:
 Click here

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LARRY! :
 Click here

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After
a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think
you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am,
but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his
mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the
matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She
called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry
quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most
wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if
it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are
you doing that?' His father replied,
'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried,
said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '

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Just when you think you've seen everything on wheels....:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Nuns at the Ball Game:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME.

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS
WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS,
HOPING THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH . THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY,
"I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA . THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY YELLED,
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR
TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

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A VERY good Book?: [XXX]
 Click here
This has to be a VERY good book..
OR
Is she reading the Instructions?

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World's Most Isolated Tree:
 Click here Click here
The next tree in any direction, is 250 miles away.

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Alcohol and Legs:
 Click here

A man walks into a c*cktail lounge, and approaches an attractive woman
sitting by herself and asks,

"May I buy you a C*cktail?

"No thank you," she replies .....,

"Alcohol is bad for my Legs.

"Sorry to hear that ......... Do they Swell ?

"No, they Spread.

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You Can Only Take So Much:
 Click here Click here

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Homos*xuality and the Commonwealth Empire:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Homos*xuality and the Commonwealth Empire
 Click here

The 2014 Commonwealth Games

Here's another bonus photo of the Queen not having a good day

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World Record Teeth:
 Click here Click here

Doctors have extracted more than 232 teeth, from the mouth of an Indian
teenager, during a seven-hour operation.
Ashik Gavai, 17, sought medical help for a swelling on the right side of
his lower jaw, after suffering pain for 18 months.
His case was referred to the Mumbai's JJ Hospital, where they found he was
suffering from a condition known as complex odontoma.
The youngster's father, Suresh Gavai, said the family had been worried that
Ashik's swelling was a cancerous growth.
The previous record is 37 teeth being removed in such a procedure, whereas
she and her team had counted 232 taken from Ashik's mouth.
Ashik's jawbone structure was maintained during the operation, so it should
heal without any deformities, the surgeons added.
The normal number of human teeth is 32, and 200 more is believed to be a
world record.

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Ships in Trouble:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

When your having a BAD day
Your ship sinks, and a shark gets you

When your having a GOOD day
Your ship sinks, while you were sunbaking on deck

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Puppy Love:
 Click here

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The Blonde and the Lord...:
 Click here

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary
tools together,
she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut
in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the
ice.

She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

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[ End friday humour ]

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