Friday humour - July 18, 2014

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Sheepherder humor - baaaad !
 Click here

Subject: How to catch a train outside of Yangon, Myanmar
 Click here

Subject: Fubar 2 Hippy - Here's a twist on things!!!
 Click here

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From: Arfermo
Subject: The good old days

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on BBC Radio 4, this
is English Humour at its best.

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the
obscene cost of entry into Premiership Football matches where the cheapest
price of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon.

An elderly chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago
arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with, "That will
be ten quid mate".

 "What?!" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!" Without
batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45
minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you
wouldn't!â€

Subject: making things better

The P*ssing tanker in India..... making things better....
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: World Cup

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain
personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to
Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the
transaction.

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From: Mitta
Subject: Beautiful Thai ad
  target=_blank>Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Great gun safety ad!
 Click here

Subject: More Weird Stuff about Australia.

57. If all the sails of the Opera House roof were combined, they would
create a perfect sphere. The architect was inspired while eating an orange.
upload.wikimedia.org / Via Wikipedia Commons
58. Australia is home to 20% of the world’s poker machines.
59. Half of these are found in New South Wales.
61. No native Australian animals have hooves .
62. The performance by the Sydney Symphony Orchestra at the 2000 Olympics
opening ceremony was actually a prerecording- of the Melbourne Symphony
Orchestra.
63. The wine cask is an Australian invention
65. Durack, Australia’s biggest electorate, is larger in size than
Mongolia.
66. The world’s first compulsory seat belt law was put into place in
Victoria in 1970.
67. Each year, Brisbane hosts the world championships of c*ckroach racing.
68. In 1932, the Australian military waged war on the emu population of
Western Australia. Embarrassingly, they lost.
69. Canberra was created in 1908 as a compromise when Sydney and Melbourne
both wanted to be the capital city.
70. A gay bar in Melbourne won the right to ban women from the premises,
because they made the men uncomfortable.
71. In 1992, an Australian gambling syndicate bought almost all the number
combinations in a Virginia lottery, and won. They turned a $5m purchase
into a $27m win.
72. Eucalyptus oil is highly flammable, meaning gum trees may explode if
ignited, or in bushfires .
75. There have been instances of wallabies getting high after breaking into
marijuana crops, then running around and making what look like crop
circles.
76. An Australian man once tried to sell New Zealand on eBay.
77. In 1940, two aircraft collided in midair, in NSW. Instead of crashing,
the two planes became stuck together and made a safe landing.
78. The male lyrebird, which is native to Australia, can mimic the calls of
over 20 other birds. If that’s not impressive enough, he can also
perfectly imitate the sound of a camera, chainsaw and car alarm.
youtube.com


Subject: Adoption

A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are
doubtful about their accommodation.
So they produce photos of their 15-metre-long caravan, the back half of
which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be
provided.

"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along
with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they
reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they
were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter", they say, "as long as he fits in the cannon".

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: HAPPY HOUR IN NEW FOUNDLAND

A Newfoundlander is driving down a road in St. John's.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

'Lord tunderin' jaysus' he says to himself. 'Me 3 favourite tings!'

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Definition of Old

1. I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!

2. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
Elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"He was 98," She replied. "Two years older than me." 
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. 
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

3. Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


4. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine,
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my
driver's license.

5. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and
start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

6. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and, second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

7. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

8. Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. [It really works!]

9. It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.

10. These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief".

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Subject: he he he he

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about

Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he

reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed

4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're
still walking about with it.

I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they

were $70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably

and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a
breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe
that , 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Bugger that" says
Mick "have you seen

how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she
was poor - she only had

$1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might

be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing. I thought

she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she
was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when
she suddenly got very

angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself ,
"She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't
feel safe on an aircraft

if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of s*xists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the
bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six
people in the ar*e in the last

48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
when he returns he notices

his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the
foreman. The foreman grins

at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy
bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a
voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head
with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.


19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum
with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as
no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.


From: Anonymous3
Subject: Trees With Character
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 Click here

Arches Natl Park, Utah

Brazilian Grape Tree (also known as Jabuticaba) does not use branches to
grow fruits. It grows fruits (and flowers) directly on the trunk.


Holding On: This rock formation is called chapel rock, The tree you see on
the rock is only kept alive by the root bridge on the left. Amazing!


The Tule Tree, listed as one of the ten greatest trees in the world.


500 year old candelabra redwoods growing the "enchanted forest" on shady
dell in California


The Angel Oak, Beloved Charleston Landmark. Thought to be the oldest Oak in
North America , if not the World at over 1500 years old. Remarkable.

Subject: How One Shoe Can Ruin a Family Picture
 Click here

Subject: School
 Click here

Subject: RARE FLOWERS:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Once in a while, Nature gets a bit extravagant in her design of flowers

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From: Digi Maria
Subject: Brilliant
 Click here

Hmmm,sounds true.

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From: Digi Steve
Subject: When I get old(er)
 Click here

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From: KRP
Subject: Safe Working Practices
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Mitta
Subject: What would happen if we all reacted to contact in our everyday
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:
 "If Men knew what Women do to pass the time when they are alone, they
would never marry"

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[ End friday humour ]

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