Friday humour - July 11, 2014

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Got a note this week from one of our contributors pointing out that the
pictures and notes relating to Simona Halep were 5 years out of date. Yep.
Hope I see them again when they are 10 years out of date ...

This weeks collage courtesy of Arfermo , Burnout, Dry Bob, Duke of
Barsinov, KajBu, Nottingham Smithie, Sack , Seasoldier, The Great Gussius,
Wally, and Whizzbang,. Enjoy!

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Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.

Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine, ay
Gessiah?

Terry Gilliam: You're right there Obediah.

Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here
drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?

MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.

GC: A cup ' COLD tea.

EI: Without milk or sugar.

TG: OR tea!

MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.

EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled
up newspaper.

GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.

MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't
buy you happiness."

EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to live in
this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.

GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all
hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing; we
were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING!

TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM! *We* used to have to live in a corridor!

MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace
to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken
up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us!
House!? Hmph.

EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered by a
piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.

GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and live in
a lake!

TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty of us
living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.

MP: Cardboard box?

TG: Aye.

MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a
septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean
the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen
hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, out Dad would thrash us to
sleep with his belt!

GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the
morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work at the
mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us
around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY!

TG: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at
twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had
half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at
the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would
slice us in two with a bread knife.

EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an
hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump of cold poison,
work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission
to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance
about on our graves singing "Hallelujah."

MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't
believe ya'.

ALL: Nope, nope.

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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go one a head, I'll give these two a lift!
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The Mother Superior called all the nuns and novices to a meeting in the big
 hall of the convent. "Sisters, we have discovered a new case of gonorrhea 
here in the convent."

One of the novices was heard to sigh loudly and exclaim "Thank God, I'm
getting so tired of chardonnay!"
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of
the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and
small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had
been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood
beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor,
what is this? '

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally,
little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?'

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Son said to Dad 'I'm Gay.'

Dad looks at his other son and said 'What about you?'
The other son said 'Me too Dad.'
Dad said 'F--k me, doesn't anyone in this f--king family like pussy?'
The Daughter said 'I do!'
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10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says 'If any of you are Paedophiles you can
f**k off down to Hell.'
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ''And take this
deaf bastard with you'.'

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In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if
you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your
washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me
on the shoulder and said 'I don't find that very funny. My brother was an
epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.'
I said 'Sorry mate. Did he drown?'
'No,' he said, 'he choked on a sock.'

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The wife came out of the bathroom and said 'I have just shaved my pussy and
you know what that means don't you?'
I said 'Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.'

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Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a
woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived
back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one
fluid movement!! That's when I thought 'F$ck, wait a minute!'

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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted 'Where you off to Charlie?'
He said, 'I'm off to change a light bulb.'
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. !then said,
'That's gonna be a bit awkward init?'
'Not really.' he said. 'I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.'

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The Satnav - by Pam Ayres

I have a little Satnav,
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend,
it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones,
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions,
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says,
"You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start,
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever,
Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red,
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively,
Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front,
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account,
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver,
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car,
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling,
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it,
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things,
And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages,
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then,I could turn the bugger off.

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84 years old man sings The Penis Song.
 Click here

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There is no way you can watch this and not instantly feel better!
 Click here

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Texas Attitude

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in
Austin.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to
jump. ("fixin" in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action)

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump!
Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''

She replied, "'Well, bless your heart! - You just go ahead and jump .. you
little Yankee Democrat Bastard .. You're holding up traffic.'

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The Ex wives club

If I saw my ex being attacked by six thugs in the street, I'd have help
out. She wouldn't stand a chance against all 7 of us.

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My First Drink With My Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories
came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Fosters He didn't like it, so I had it.
Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push the stroller
back home.

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Absolutely brilliant!
 Click here

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How one shoe can ruin a family photo
 Click here

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A cute little paper-box
 Click here
This is mindblowing. A cube that transforms into star, triangles, hexagon,
octagon, and what not. I don't know how it works, but it does.

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The Chalk Guy Is Back:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Good Answer.

A teacher asks the kids in her 5th. grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, be a billionaire,
go to the most expensive clubs, Find me the finest whore, give her a
Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion
in Paris , a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card,
while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and
simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin's whore."

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Two Aspirin

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but
true to his wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide
open.

He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my
mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin".

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!

He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

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Parenting
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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There is someone for everybody
 Click here

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Inhtgitp,ihatgtgooi?
 Click here Click here Click here
(It's not how they got into that position, it's how are they going to get
out of it?)

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Your Life in Jelly Beans
 Click here

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Places to pee....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Rolf Harris - another one
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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