Friday humour - July 04, 2014

Gussius @ Bluehaze

This week the fourth of July is Independence Day in the USA, otherwise
known as the Detonation of a Nation. Americans wherever they are, 
celebrate their Declaration of Independence from the English while the 
Poms are eternally grateful that they did.

Main street parades, flag raisings, concerts in the park, fun runs, food
festivals, tea cartons dumped into harbours, pyrotechnics and even tropical
hurricane Arthur along the east coast are anticipated.

Its a bit like this :
 Click here

Meanwhile, in Australia all we get to see is the abolition of carbon
pricing which should make fireworks cheaper.

Contributions this week are from Anonymous3, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie,
Sack, Whizzbang, Seasoldier,
Wally and anon.


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An_Eagle Doing The Breast Stroke:

Not something you see every day

You won't believe the tenacity of this Eagle.
This footage was taken at Mallard Lake's subdivision in Baton Rouge .
Someone had shot a nutria, (a water rat) and it was floating dead in the
water.
I can't believe what this eagle did to bring that nutria in.
 Click here

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Perfectionists: Rufus - The Real Hawk-Eye:
 Click here

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Melbourne In 50's:

1950s Melbourne: Photos give a revealing insight into everyday life in
Melbourne in the 1950s
 Click here

LIFE IN 1950s MELBOURNE AT A GLANCE

Price of a loaf of bread: 8 cents

Average yearly wage for male factory workers: $592.33

Average yearly wage for female factory workers: $294.40

Average yearly wage for a male clerk or manager: $866.14

Average yearly wage for a female clerk or manager: $325.06

Unemployment rate: 1-1.7 per cent

Biggest names in sport: Dawn Fraser, Betty Cuthbert, Peter Thomson.

Latest tech device (the tablet of its day): Television

Population of Melbourne: 1.3 million in 1950

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Bumper sticker:

I saw a chap with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a veterinary surgeon,
therefore I drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists and proctologists there are on
the roads.

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Google is giving us the Schaft!:
 Click here

This company was recently purchased by Google, and the robot has been
withdrawn from the DARPA contest in order to allow for its commercial
development.  One of these days, Google will want to sell us one.  Getting
the Schaft from Google, hum ..  I don't know what I think about that.  It
is impressive, though.

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Good prosthesis:
 Click here

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Cuckoo clock

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up &
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
- MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times,
then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
farted.

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How to marry well:

The following is what a women posted on a dating forum seeking a rich
husband:

  I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year.
I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with
$500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual
salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

  My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an
income of $500k annual salary?
Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich
persons like you?

  Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems
that this is my upper limit.
  If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west
of New York City Garden(?),
$250k annual income is not enough.
  I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

  1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and
addresses of bars,
restaurant, gym)
  2) Which age group should I target?
  3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I've met a few
girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to
marry rich guys.
  4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your
girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
  Ms. Pretty

A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan below:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls
out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse
your situation as a professional investor.
My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I
hope everyone believes that
I'm not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry
you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of beauty¯
and money¯ : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and
square.
However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money
will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might
increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you
are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but
exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be
much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating
with you is also a trading position¯.
If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to
keep it for long term,  same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It
might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any
assets with great depreciation value will be sold or leased.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you,
but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any
clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to
become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than
finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO

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The future is here....:

LIFE IS GOING TO BECOME SO EASY PEOPLE WONT GET OFF THEIR AR*ES

        Many of us have grown up imagining what the future will be like.
Will there be flying cars? Will there be robots? Will we be able to do
amazing and extraordinary things?

        Well, some of these things are yet to come, but some are already
right here. The amazing things technology can do today never cease to amaze
me. Here are 17 pieces of evidence that prove we area already, at least
partly, living in a futuristic world.

        The Ratheon XOS 2 is a second generation exoskeleton design for US
army use. It allows the wearer to enhance his strength to carry heavy
equipment much easier and for much longer.

        The world's first virtual shopping center opened in Korea. All the
products are just LCD screens that allow you to order the items by touching
the screen. When you get to the counter, your items are already bagged and
ready to go.

        A cellphone you can bend as much as you like and it will still do
everything a smart phone does.

        Your personal computer ring can play music, check your email, give
you alerts and even allows you to browse or chat with others.

        This man is demonstrating the ability of his prosthetic eye, which
has a camera installed in it.

        No longer using the camping stove just for cooking, a new line of
camping stoves use the heat energy to power up lights and charge your
phones or anything else you can charge by USB cable.

        This trash can follows you around and calculates where to stand to
catch your thrown garbage!

        This motion tracking table morphs its surface to mimic your
movements, allowing you to control objects from the other side of the
planet if you so choose.

        This windowed door turns opaque whenever you lock it.

        This incredible app translates signs from video and in real time!

        The new 'Google Fiber' has started deploying, and will offer users
an internet connection that is about 100 times faster than what they are
currently using.

        When did car panels start looking this advanced?

        A stop sign using water to project the image

        An example of the new E-Ink in action. An ink that stay flat on the
page and can be printed but still moves on the printer page.

        All of the functions these items that we used 20 years ago... Are
now done by a single smartphone.

        New casts can be printed with a 3D printer, are lighter, more
comfortable and just as strong.

        Bionic hands are now so advanced they can perform even delicate and
complex movements.

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PAPER!!!!!!!!  ABSOLUTELY AMAZING:

Yes, only paper.  But wait till you see it.  Absolutely amazing.
 Click here

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Adam & Eve:
 Click here

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Mind bending 3-D beach art:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  These are quite brilliant.....

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Internet porn:
 Click here
There may be too much ass and beaver on the internet.

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Want Jedi powers?:
 Click here

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How to bury a bone:
 Click here

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It's a learning experience:
 Click here Click here

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John & Jim:
 Click here

Today I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John.

I have re-named it Jim.

I feel so much better telling everyone, I went to the Jim¯ this morning.

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Goodbye Seagull:

A gull lands on what appears to be a buoy,
in a Russian harbour. The audience laughs.

They laugh, because they know it isn't a buoy.
It's a mine, just left there by a small boat of Russian sailors, as part 
of a public Naval demonstration. Then what happens?
 Click here

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Best World Cup Headline:

Huffington Post wins Best World Cup Headline
 Click here Click here

Obviously referring to the Group

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Things You See When Buying Fuel (XXX):
 Click here

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More on "That Bite":
 Click here Click here

                 Bet       Odds      Winning Amount
Krone -          32        175            5632
US Dollars -     5         175             880
Aus Dollars      6         175            1056

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Australia:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Some Things You'll Only See in Australia
Australians are known to be pretty laid back people, which is surprising
considering their wild life contains thousands of ways to get poisoned,
eaten or injured. Still, they maintain their happy-go-lucky ways despite
this fact, and even have a good sense of humour about it. There's no doubt
Australia is a unique place, and so travellers to Australia, especially the
outback, should be aware they might run into the following scenes.

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Little Dog pulls Car
 Click here

Sliders  Beware
 Click here

Ice Audience
 Click here

Nuclear Watch
 Click here

Pilot Skill or Idiotic?
 Click here

North Atlantic Flights
 Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Peeling Potatoes
 Click here

Toyota Border Security
 Click here

Moments in History
 Click here

Rowden & Leizel
 Click here

Celtic Woman
 Click here

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Wally's Wacky Weekly:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Practice, Practice, Practice

Scott Fistler, 33, twice a loser for electoral office in Phoenix, Arizona,
as a Republican, decided that his luck might improve as a Democrat, along
with a name change, and he legally became Cesar Chavez,
expecting to poll better in a heavily Hispanic, Democratic congressional
district. Chavez's campaign website features photographs of frenzied
supporters holding Chavez signs, but which are obviously scenes from the
streets of Venezuela at rallies for its late president Hugo Chavez. A judge
ordered that Chavez be removed from the ballot, because no two signatures
of his new name, were the same, and therefore were invalid. Chavez has
promised to appeal.

All Men are Pigs

U.S. District Judge Richard Kopf of Omaha, Nebraska, advised female lawyers
appearing in his courtroom to lower their hemlines, and cover their
cleavage, because all males, including Judge Kopf himself, are pigs. He
said, "I have been a dirty old man, ever since I was a dirty young man."
The judge later said, he regretted any harm to the judiciary, that his
remarks might have caused.

Must have been Time Travel

Almond Upton, 60, charged with murder for intentionally striking a New York
state trooper, with his pickup truck, denied everything. He told his first
court appearance that he is bewildered by the accusation: "I was at the
Connecticut border, and all of a sudden, I'm in Binghamton, New York, 140
miles from Connecticut,
and this cop got killed, I don't know how it happened. It must have been
time travel.ā€¯

Is That Michael?

Michael Adrian, 26, was arrested in Lakeville, Minnesota, for frightening
staff at Lakeville North High
School, by skateboarding in front of the school, in military dress, face
covered by a bandana, with an arrow strapped to his arm, and concealing
knives, a box-cutter, a slingshot, and pepper spray. Adrian told police he
was merely testing the school's security system, by looking like an
ar*ehole. A judge ordered a mental evaluation.

Karma?

A jury in Fresno, California, decided that Bobby Lee Pearson, 37, was
guilty of burglary, but they accidentally signed the "not-guilty" form,
instead. By the time Judge Hamlin caught the error, he could not change it,
because of double jeopardy. Pearson walked out a free man, went to his
sister's home, got into a fight hours later, and was stabbed to death by
the sister's boyfriend.

Disorder in the Court

The animosity between Brevard County, Florida, Judge John Murphy, and
public defender Andrew
Weinstock, festered over the lawyer's refusal to waive his client's right
to a speedy trial, but came to a head, when the judge told Weinstock, "Stop
p*ssing me off. Just sit down." Weinstock persisted: "I have a right to
stand, and represent my client." The judge responded: "If you want to
fight, let's go out the back,
and I'll just whip your ar*e." And to a back hallway they went, with the
lawyer allegedly just intending to talk out their differences. However,
according to Weinstock's supervisor, Judge Murphy immediately grabbed
Weinstock, and began punching him. Weinstock was not seriously hurt, but
vowed to report the incident to the Florida Bar.

Love & War

Robert Wallace, 32, a Houston software developer, filed a lawsuit to get
back some items after a failed romance. According to Wallace, he had loaned
a laptop computer, $2,000 cash, and his Harry Potter DVDs to his
sweetheart, Ms. Nomi Mims, a local stripper. Wallace said the loans were
made only because he thought she was in love with him, and that they were
building a future together, but now realizes he was wrong. Mims called the
items gifts, and noted, "I've given him gifts, too. You know, how do I get
my booty back?"

Message from the Inside

Authorities somehow could not prevent an inmate serving life at a North
Carolina prison from arranging,
via a contraband cell phone, to have the 63-year-old father of his
prosecutor, kidnapped and tortured. The
FBI managed to rescue the man five days after his abduction.

Thanks but No Thanks

The U.S. State Department somehow cannot arrange safe haven for Afghan
interpreters, who risked their lives daily serving U.S. combat troops, and
who face almost certain retaliation by militants, once
Americans have departed. Even the coordinator of the interpreter program,
who applied for a U.S. visa in 2012, has not been approved.

Brazil 2016 - 1

The sailing events at the 2016 Summer Olympics will be held on Rio de
Janeiro's Guanabara Bay, but dire warnings have been issued about the
filthy, squalid condition of the bay. A reporter, cited car tires, floating
mattresses, dog carcasses, a partly submerged sofa, and free-flowing
untreated raw sewage. A Brazilian competitive sailor admitted that he had
personally seen four human corpses in the bay.

Brazil 2016 - 2

Arachnophobes, and their snake-fearing cousins, the ophidiophobes, may be
in for an interesting 2016
Summer Olympics, in that Brazil seems to be one giant incubator of the
scariest insects and vipers on the planet. Chief among them, are the
Brazilian wandering spider, the world's most poisonous and, in addition,
the size of a dinner plate, whose venom at least owns the redeeming value
of momentarily giving bitten men erections. Off the coast of Sao Paulo is
the uninhabited, and barred to visitors, Ilha de Queimada
Grande, overrun by the super-deadly golden lance head pit viper, whose
population is five snakes per square metre of land area.

Red Hot Surgery

A British National Health Service hospital in Stockton, England, apparently
failed to learn from a 2012 tragedy at Scarborough Hospital when, a patient
caught fire during surgery. Tip for Next Time: Either no alcohol
sterilizers or no electricity-made incisions.

Smelly Wedding

In the latest creative image enhancer by a municipal sewage plant,
Seattle's Brightwater Treatment facility is offering to rent its indoor
rooms, as a wedding venue, at $2,000 for 8 hours. According to an official,
there is space for 260 guests, including a full kitchen, and the plant is
reputed to be a "zero odour" facility.

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Weird Photos:
 Click here

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KC-135:
 Click here Click here

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Callie Rogers:
 Click here

In 2003 this 16yo won $3 million in Britain's National Lottery. It's all
gone
 Click here

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Wooden Volkswagen Beetle:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

A Bosnian pensioner has made a wooden Volkswagen Beetle.
Momir Bojic, 71, created the car from over 50,000 separate pieces of oak.

The avid VW Beetle fan worked on his labour of love for more than two
years.
He covered the bodywork of a regular Beetle in thousands of oak tiles, each
one of which required no fewer than  23 separate procedures.

Mr Bojic made all of the wooden fittings steering wheel, gearstick,
hubcaps, radio in his garden workshop.

The car is perfectly roadworthy, and Mr Bojic says its draws crowds
wherever it goes.
Momir Bojic, 71, cleans his wooden Volkswagen Beetle in front of his home
in Celinac, near Banja Luka,
Bosnia
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Don't drink and drive:
 Click here

 HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO BE TOLD????????

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Trivial Facts:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Cup Size Vote: [XXX]

      WHICH OF THE FOUR CUP SIZES PICTURED BELOW EXCITES ‘OLDER’ MEN THE
MOST?
      Fellas, try to be honest, 1, 2, 3 or 4
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Winning isn't everything!:
 Click here Click here Click here

This is the kind of cr*p that just p*sses you off, really!
Wimbledon hopeful Simona Halep wants surgery to reduce the size of her
breasts.

Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after winning a host
of junior titles and a place in the final of the Junior French Open last
year.

But the 5-foot-5-inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is
holding her back.

"This autumn I'll have a breast reduction operation" Halep said.

"The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play."

"It's the weight that troubles me and my ability to react quickly" she
added.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THIS KID THAT WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING!

THIS SELF-CENTERED SPOILED LITTLE BRAT SHOULDN'T BE SO CONSUMED WITH
"WINNING MAJOR TENNIS TOURNAMENTS"!

WHAT ABOUT US - THE HARD-WORKING EVERY DAY FAN WHO PAID GOOD MONEY TO
WATCH HER PLAY .....?

34DD? PEOPLE PAY TOP MONEY FOR JUGS LIKE THAT!
AND THIS LITTLE BRAT WANTS TO HAVE THEM REDUCED?
IT P*SSES ME OFF .....

JUST ANOTHER SELFISH ATHLETE!

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Another victim of Rolf:
 Click here

Skippy the Bush Kangaroo has come forward today, after years of silence.
She says not only did Rolf Harris tie her down, but the dirty bastard went
on to sing about it….

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[ End friday humour ]

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