Friday humour - June 27, 2014

"Just Sayin'" !!!!

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's
remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" 
gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row!

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. 
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers, if you 
find one, what's your plan?

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Wild gorilla encounter - this is amazing
A tourist camp in Africa --  You can tell that the guy was stunned by his
experience.
This is a great video of the Silverback Gorilla and family coming into camp 
for a visit. Quite an unusual experience.
Not sure I could have stayed that calm. It is advisable to always carry a
change of underpants when on safari.
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
I am wondering what the fire department might have called him.

A student has reportedly had to be rescued after getting stuck inside a
giant stone vagina. The exchange student from America is believed to have
climbed inside the marble sculpture in Tubingen, Germany, on Friday
afternoon, for a dare. However, once inside he found he was stuck. Five
emergency vehicles and 22 firemen are believed to have eventually eased the 
unnamed man out but not before someone took a picture and posted it on
social media site Imgur. The man, whose legs got wedged at the bottom of the 
art installation, was eventually freed and was said to be 'really
embarrassed'.Erick Guzman, who took the images and posted them online, said:
'I was there!!!  He just wanted to take a funny picture.'The fire department 
was not really amused, and he was really embarrassed.' The sculpture is
by a Peruvian artist called Fernando de la jara and has been at the Tubingen
University in the German town for the last 13 years in the Institute for
Microbiology. The sculpture is called Pi-Chacan, which is said to mean 'love 
making' in Peruvian-Indian.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Father & Daughter Duet
This is probably one of the cutest things you've ever seen.
 Click here

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From: Sack
How did it happen?
How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the  
man's broken leg.

"Well doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago when I first started working on the farm,  
that night right after I'd gone to bed the farmer's beautiful
daughter came  into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted
I said "No everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure" I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not" I replied.
"Excuse me" said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with  
your broken leg?"

"Well, this morning" the farmhand explained "when it dawned on me what she  
meant I fell off the roof!"

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From: Sack

1. Australia is as wide as the distance between London to Moscow.
2. The biggest property in Australia is bigger than Belgium.
3. More than 85% of Australians live within 50km of the coast.
4. In 1880, Melbourne was the richest city in the world.
5. Gina Rinehart, Australias richest woman, earns $1 million every half 
hour, or $598 every second.
6. In 1892, a group of 200 Australians unhappy with the government tried to  
start an offshoot colony in Paraguay to be called New Australia.
7. The first photos from the 1969 moon landing were beamed to the rest of  
the world from Honeysuckle Tracking Station, near Canberra.
8. Australia was the second country in the world to allow women to vote 
(New Zealand was first).
9. Each week, 70 tourists overstay their visas.
10. In 1856, stonemasons took action to ensure a standard of 8-hour working  
days, which then became recognised worldwide.
11. Former Prime Minister Bob Hawke set a world record for sculling 2.5 pints 
of beer in 11 seconds. Hawke later suggested that this was the reason  for his great political success.
12. The worlds oldest fossil, which is about 3.4 billion years old, was found 
in Australia.
13. Australia is very spar*ely populated: The UK has 248.25 persons per square 
kilometre, while Australia has only 2.66 persons per square kilometre.
14. Australia=E2?Ts first police force was made up of the best-behaved

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From: Seasoldier
A Clean Joke?

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but....  
here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree  
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son  of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is  
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a  
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece
of ash I  have ever put my pecker in."
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From: Wally
How does the rest of the world Cr*p?
 Click here

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From: Wally
2014 MOST TRUSTED PROFESSIONS IN AUSTRALIA

1. Paramedics
2. Firefighters
3. Rescue volunteers
4. Nurses
5. Doctors
5. Pilots
7. Pharmacists
8. Air traffic controllers
8. Farmers
8. Veterinarians
11. Police
12. Armed forces personnel
12. Scientists
14. Teachers
14. Dentists
16. Childcare workers
17. Bus/train/tram drivers
18. Flight attendants
19. Locksmiths
20. Hairdressers
21. Postal workers
22. Computer technicians
22. Waiters
22. Plumbers
25. Accountants
25. Cleaners
27. Security guards
27. Builders
27. Mechanics
30. Shop assistants
30. Truck drivers
32. Professional sportspeople
33. Alternative health practitioners
34. Bankers
35. Financial planners
36. Tow-truck drivers
36. Charity collectors
36. Lawyers
36. Clergy (all religions)
40. Airport baggage handlers
41. Taxi drivers
42. Journalists
43. CEOs
43. Radio talkback hosts
45. Real estate agents
45. Call centre staff
47. S*x workers
47. Insurance salespeople
49. Politicians
50. Door-to-door salespeople

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From: Wally
MOST TRUSTED AUSTRALIANS IN 2014

  1. Charlie Teo, neurosurgeon
  2. Fiona Wood, burns specialist
  3. Ian Frazer, immunologist
  4. Chris Riley, founder of Youth Off The Streets
  5. Hugh Jackman, actor
  6. Mary, Crown Princess of Denmark
  7. Ian Kiernan, Clean Up Australia founder
  8. Catherine Hamlin, obstetrician
  9. Karl Kruszelnicki, science journalist
10. D*ck Smith, entrepreneur
11. Harry Cooper, TV vet
12. Peter Cosgrove, Governor-General
13. Geoffrey Rush, actor
14. Chris Brown, TV vet
15. Anh Do, author, actor and comedian
16. Cate Blanchett, actor
17. Laurie Oakes, political journalist
18. Libby Trickett, swimmer
19. Tim Costello, CEO World Vision Australia
20. Adam Hills, comedian, TV host
21. Darren Lehmann, Australian cricket team coach
22. Deborra-Lee Furness, actor
23. Lieutenant General David Morrison, chief of the Australian Army
24. Jessica Mauboy, singer
25. Jacki Weaver, actor
26. Kerry O=E2?TBrien, journalist
27. Adam Scott, golfer
28. David Hurley, Chief of the Defence Force
29. Tina Arena, singer
30. Hamish Blake, comedian
31. Donna Hay, TV cook and food publisher
32. Carrie Bickmore, TV host
33. Nicole Kidman, actor
34. Kylie Minogue, singer
35. Guy Sebastian, singer
36. Keith Urban, singer
37. Michael Clarke, cricketer
38. Curtis Stone, chef
39. Amanda Keller, comedian
40. Adam Goodes, AFL player, Australian of the Year 2014
41. Mitchell Johnson, cricketer
42. Charlie Pickering, TV host, comedian
43. Tim Cahill, socceroos player
44. Peter FitzSimons, author, columnist
45. Tony Negus, Commissioner of the Australian Federal Police
46. Tim Winton, writer, environmentalist
47. Wendy Harmer, comedian and writer
48. Tracey Grimshaw, TV host
49. Mike Willesee, journalist
50. Russell Crowe, actor
51. David Koch, TV host
52. Derryn Hinch, media personality
53. Glenn Stevens, Governor of the Reserve Bank of Australia
54. Ange Postecoglou, Socceroos coach
55. Richard Roxburgh, actor
56. Shane Watson, cricketer
57. Todd Sampson, advertising personality
58. Josh Thomas, comedian
59. Tim Flannery, environmentalist
60. Leigh Sales, journalist, TV host
61. Ian Thorpe, swimmer
62. Gerry Harvey, businessman
63. Andrew O=E2?TKeefe, TV host
64. Michelle Bridges, personal trainer
65. John Symond, founder Aussie Home Loans
66. Andrew =E2?oTwiggy=E2?=9D Forrest, businessman
67. Miranda Kerr, model
68. Nick Xenophon, independent Senator
69. Malcolm Turnbull, Minister for Communications
70. Kerry Stokes, businessman
71. Frank Lowy, businessman
72. Eddie McGuire, TV personality
73. Bob Brown, environmentalist
74. John Singleton, entrepreneur
75. Tanya Plibersek, Deputy Leader of the Opposition
76. Kevin Rudd, former Prime Minister
77. Joe Hockey, federal Treasurer
78. Gai Waterhouse, racehorse trainer
79. Tony Abbott, Prime Minister
80. Julie Bishop, Foreign Affairs Minister
81. Bill Shorten, Leader of the Opposition
82. Barnaby Joyce, Agriculture Minister
83. James Hird, former AFL coach
84. Scott Morrison, Immigration Minister
85. James Packer, businessman
86. Bob Katter, federal politician
87. Christine Milne, politician, leader of the Australian Greens
88. Sarah Hanson-Young, Greens politician
89. Shane Warne, former cricketer
90. Clive Palmer, businessman, MP
91. Rolf Harris, entertainer
92. Bernard Tomic, tennis player
93. Gina Rinehart, businesswoman, mining
94. George Pell, member of Vatican executive
95. Alan Joyce, CEO of Qantas
96. Kyle Sandilands, radio personality
97. Tom Waterhouse, bookmaker
98. Geoffrey Edelsten, entrepreneur
99. Schapelle Corby, convicted drug trafficker 100. Mercedes Corby, sister
of Schapelle Corby

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From: Whizzbang

 The Will

 Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse,  his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.

 So, he says to them:

 "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

 "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

 "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

 "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the  banks of the river."

 The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she  says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working
man to  have acc*mulated all  this property".

 Sarah replies, "Property? .... the as*hole had a paper run!"

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From: KRP
Please Explain
 Click here

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From: Sack
KNOCK KNOCK
 Click here

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From: Wally

FS Latouche Treville
 Click here
Here is a video of the same ship in very rough seas.
 Click here

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From: Wally
 Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Dave Allen Ten Pound Note
 Click here

Worlds Most Expensive
 Click here

Sand Art
 Click here

2011 Flying Legends
 Click here

2014 Flying Legends
 Click here

Singing Bird Pistols
 Click here

Never believe those Ads
 Click here

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From: Wally
Strange Headlines
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Wally
Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Birds
 Click here

Ducklings vs Stairs
 Click here

Travel by Drone
 Click here

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From: Wally
World's Most Expensive Flowers
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Wally
Origami Football Shirts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

These tiny origami football shirts have been  made  out  of  cigarette
packets.

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From: Wally
Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Vines
 Click here

Old Spice Ad Brazil (1)
 Click here

Old Spice Ad Brazil (2)
 Click here

Colourful Animals
 Click here

Inside Superb Cars
 Click here

Sealand
 Click here

Professional Walkers
 Click here

Golden Gate Bridge
 Click here

Americas Got Talent
 Click here

Copper Clappers
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Watch this for the KIDS????????

This is one of the best safety articles that I have seen in quite a while=2E
A Movie Theatre Got Its Audience To Use Their Phones So It Could Teach Them A Lesson! 
What a brilliant way to communicate how risky it is to use mobile  
phones while driving! More than 1.5 million views in 3 days!
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Oh Yes
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Flying/Military Advice
 Click here

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From Whizzbang
Did you know that there are more Indians killed on Motor Bikes than what were 
killed by John Wayne?????
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Car anyone
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

 THE WORLDS UNSOLD CARSTOCKPILE
Houston...We have a problem!...Nobody is buying brand new cars anymore! 
Well they are, but not on the scale they once were.  Millions of brand new  
unsold carsare just sitting redundant on runways and car parks around
the  world.  There, they stay, slowly deteriorating without being
maintained.
Below is an image of a massive car park at Swindon, United Kingdom, 
with thousands upon thousands of unsold cars just sitting there with not a buyer  
in sight.The car manufacturershave to buy more and more land just to
park  their cars as they perpetually roll off the production line.
There is proof that the worlds recession is still biting and wont let go. 
All around the world there are huge stockpiles of unsold cars and they are  
being added to every day.  They have run out of space to park all of
these  brand new unsold cars and are having to buy acres and acres of land to
store  them.
NOTE:
    The images on this webpage showing all of these unsold cars are  
just a very small portion of those around the world.  There are
literally  thousands of these "car parks" rammed full of unsold cars in
practically  every country on the planet.  Just in case you were
wondering, these images  have not beenPhotoshopped, they are the real deal! 
Its hard tobelieve that  there are so many unsold cars in the world but its 
true.  The worsepart is  that the amount of unsold cars keeps on getting bigger 
every day.

It would be fair to say that it is becoming a mechanical epidemic of epic  
proportions.  If anybody from outer space is reading this webpage, we
here  on Earth have too many cars, why not come and buy a few hundred
thousand of  them for your own planet! (sorry but this is all I can think of)
Below is shown just a few of the 57,000 cars (and growing) that await delivery 
from their home in the Port of Baltimore, Maryland, U.S.A.
The car industry would never sell these cars at massive reductions in their  
prices to get rid of them, no they still want every buck.  If they
were to  price these cars for a couple of thousand they would sell them. 
However,  nobody would then buy any expensive cars and then they  would end up
being  unsold.  Its quite a pickle we have gotten ourselves into.
Below is shown an image of the Nissantest track.  Only it is no longer being  
used, reason...there are too many unsold cars parked up on it!  The
amount  of cars keeps on piling up on it until its overflowing.  Nissan
then  acquires more land to park up the cars, as they continue to come
off the  production line.
 The car industry cannot stop making new cars because they would have  
to close their factories and lay off tens of thousands of employees. 
This  would further add to the recession.  Also the domino effect would
be  catastrophic as steel manufactures would not sell their steel. All
the tens  of thousands of places where car components are made would also be
effected,  indeed the world could come to a grinding halt.
 Below is shown just a small area of a gigantic car park  in Spain where 
tens of thousands of cars just sit and sunbathe all day.
 Tens of thousands of cars are still being made every week but hardly  
any of them are being sold.  Nearly every household in developed
countries  already has a car or even two or three cars parked up on their
driveway as  it is.
 Below is an image of thousands upon thousands of unsold cars parked up  
on a runway near St Petersburg in Russia.  They are all imported
from Europe, they are all then parked up and they are all then left to rot. 
Consequently, the airport is now unusable for its original purpose.
 The cycle of buying, using, buying using has been broken, it is now  
just a case of "using" with no buying. Below is an image of thousands
of  unsold cars parked up on an disused runway at Upper Heyford airbase
near Bicester in Oxfordshire. They are seriously running out of space to store  
these cars.
 It is a sorry state of affairs and there is no answer to it, solutions  don't exist.  
So the cars just keep on being manufactured and keep
on adding  to the millions of unsold cars already sitting redundant around the
world=2E
As it is, there are more cars than there are people on the planet with an  
estimated 10 billion roadworthy cars in the world today.  We
literally  cannot make enough of them. Below are seen just a few of the
thousands of Citroen's parked up at Corby in England. They are being added to 
daily, imported from France but with nowhere else to go once they arrive.
 So there they sit, brand spanking new cars, all with a couple of miles  
on the clock that was consummate with them being driven to their car
parks. Manufacturing more cars than can be sold is against all logic, logistics and  
economics but it continues day after day, week after week, month
after  month, year in year out.
 Below, all nice and shiny but with nowhere to go.  Red and white and  
black and silver, purple, pink and blue, all the colors of the rainbow
and  be they all brand new.  Indeed all the colors of the rainbow are down
there  on those cars, making pretty mosaics, montages of color and still
life. Maybe that is all they will now ever be, surreal urban art of the techno 
production age.  Magnificent metal boxes, wasting space and saving grace,  
all sitting still, because its business at mill.
 All around the world these cars just keep on piling up, there is no  end in sight.  
The economy shouts out quite loud that nobody has the
money  anymore to spend on anew car. The reason being that they are making
their "old" cars go on a lot longer.  But we cannot stop making them, soon we will  
run out of space to park them.  We are nearly running out of space
to drive  them that's for sure!
 Below the cars mount up in the port of Valencia in Spain. They will  
not be exported as there is nowhere for them to go, so they just sit
and rot  in their colorful droves.
 Gone are the days when the family would have a new car every year, they are now 
keeping what they have got.  It may be fair to say that some  families still get a 
new car every year but its the majority that now
do  not. The results are in these images, hundreds of thousands if not
millions  of cars around the world are driven from their factories, parked up
and  left.
 Could we say that these cars have been left to rot!  Maybe, as these  cars will 
certainly rot if they are not bought, driven and cared for. 
It  does not look like they will be sold any day soon, many of them have
been  standing for over 12 months or even longer and this is detrimental to
the  car.
 Below, as far as the eye can see, right into the background, cars, cars and more cars. 
But what's beyond the horizon?  Have a guess...Yes that's right...even more cars!  
All brand new but with no homes to go to. Do you think they will ever start giving them 
away, that may be the only radical solution.  Who knows, you could soon be getting a 
free car with every packet of cornflakes..
 When a car is left standing idle, all the oil sinks to the bottom of  the sump, 
and then corrosion begins to set in on all the internal
engine  parts where the oil has drained away.  Cold corrosion is when
condensation  builds up in the cylinders and rust forms in the bores. The engines
would  then start to seize and would need to be professionally freed before
they  could be started.  Also the tires start to lose air and the batteries
start  to go flat, indeed the detrimental list goes on and on.
 So the longer they sit there the worse it slowly becomes for them. What is the answer 
to this?  Well they need to be sold and that just isn't  happening.
 The epidemic is not imporving, it is getting worse.  
Car manufactureres are constantly coming out with new models with the latest 
technology in them.  Hence prospective buyers of, for example, a new Citroen 
Xsara Picasso want the latest model, not last years model.  Hence all the  
unsold Citroen Xsara Picasso cars from the previous year will now have
even  lesser chance of being sold.
 The problems then just keep on mounting up.  In the end, the unsold  
cars that are say 2 years old will have no alternative but to be
either  crushed up, dismantled and/or their parts recycled.
 Some car manufacturers moved their production over to China, General 
Motors and Cadillac are examples of this.  They are then shipped over in containers 
and unloaded at ports.  However they are now being told to put a  big halt in their 
import into the U.S.A. as they just can't sell them
in the  quantities they would desire.  Consequently Chinese car parks are
now  filling up with brand new American cars.  Well nobody in China can
afford  them on their meagre pittance wages, so there they will stay until
our  economy improves...which it might do in a few generations.

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[ End friday humour ]

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