Friday humour - June 20, 2014

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Arfermo
Subject: Thought for the week!!!!

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and
will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface
like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to
go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you
both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly
raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

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From: Digi Steve
Subject: Math mirth ...
 Click here

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From: KRP
Subject: Downhill Mountain-Biking
 Click here
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: SUPERB - IT'S PAPER!!!!!

Pretty interesting art and I have to say, the process must be pretty
amazing
 Click here

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From: Sack

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,'
says Gerry..

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off
the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, 'Feck dat.

Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE. ...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET....

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which
he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with
his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his
feck'n hengliding!'

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: God creates man....

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said,"Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said,"Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said,

"Go over to the hill...."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the

hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained,

He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley,

across the river, and over the hill,

into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God,

His patience wearing thin, said angrily,

"What is it now?"

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO

LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?"

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: News ...

Do you know what happened

164 years ago this summer....

September 9, 1850?

California became a state!

The people had no electricity.

The state had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically NOTHING has changed except,

then the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: WHY MEN INVENTED DUCT TAPE
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: This is one amazing man... What a marvellous attitude!
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: What a camera
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Thinking Nun

POWER OF SHRIMP

A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man

wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he definitely spat the tail in her direction,

requiring her to dodge or deflect it.

He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the

window.

Seeing this, she'd had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and

his total disdain of women and the environment. She got up and pulled

the train's Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing

that, you stupid female, worthless Infidel, Catholic Nun bitch."

She smiled and said to him, "When I cry rape and they smell your

fingers, you'll get 10 years in prison, you towel-headed goat-f*cker!"

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: world cup
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: COCONUTS

Buying Coconuts

How many people, when out shopping, can really tell good coconuts from bad
ones.?

I am going to share this skill with you now, in case I never write the
book.

GOOD COCONUTS
 Click here

BAD COCONUTS
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: This must be one of the best road safety adverts I have ever seen

The attached file unnamed is an UNSUPPORTED file type
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Links

More Engrish
 Click here

..................

Kids
 Click here

................

Australian Animals
 Click here

...............

Crossbow
 Click here

.............

Hybrid Speedsters
 Click here

.................

Classic Relief
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Only in Washington
 Click here

A Washington anaesthesiologist, has been suspended by medical authorities,
for his preoccupation with s*xual matters.

Arthur K. Zilberstein allegedly sent nearly 250 s*xy texts, and explicit
selfies, while performing cesarean deliveries, pediatric appendectomies,
epidurals, tubal ligations, and cardiac-probe insertions.

Zilberstein will not be permitted to practice medicine in Washington,
until his charges are resolved.

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From: Wally
Subject: 25 X Mistakes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Teacher's Rules
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: KFC Kicks 3yo Girl Out

BEFORE -
 Click here
AFTER -
 Click here
TODAY -
 Click here

A 3yo girl whose face was scarred in a pit bull attack, was asked to leave
a KFC outlet, after an employee said her face was ?oescaring the other
diners.??

Victoria Wilcher's family were so upset, they took to Facebook to express
their anger, at the Jackson, Mississippi KFC restaurant.

Victoria's grandmother, Kelly Mullins said that the toddler was on a
feeding tube at the time, after being attacked, by three of her
grandfathers pit bulls. The dogs mauled her before turning on her
grandfather, Donald Mullins and his girlfriend, Rita Tompkins. He was
forced to shoot the animals, killing two of them.

Victoria suffered a broken jaw, broken cheekbones, and eye sockets, and a
broken nose. She lost her right eye, and the ability to move the right side
of her face.

We went to KFC, and I ordered her some mashed potatoes and gravy,
because she was hungry, and I thought she could just swallow the potatoes,
Mrs Mullins said.

They said, ~We have to ask you to leave, because her face is disrupting our
customers.

KFC spokesman Rick Maynard said that they had launched an investigation
into the incident.

We take this very seriously, as we have zero tolerance for any kind of
hurtful or disrespectful actions toward our guests. Our investigation is
ongoing, but we will make things right for this beautiful little girl,
and her family, he said.

Victoria's grandfather and his girlfriend were charged with child
endangerment, and their eight other pit bulls were seized by animal
welfare.

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From: Wally
Subject: 5 X Links & 29 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

5 X Links

Bike rider jumps over Plane
 Click here

........

Walmart
 Click here

.........

Polar Bear Capital of the World
 Click here

..........

Jumpy
 Click here

...........

More World Cup Trick Shots
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Australian Opals
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Australian Opals

The opal is one of the most beautiful of gemstones, flashing ever-changing
colours from all ranges of the spectrum at our eyes. They shine like
diamonds with a much larger variety of colour and pattern.

Opal stones range in colour from clear to white, yellow, orange, red,
blue, green, rose, pink, slate, brown, olive, magenta and black. Of these,
the most rare are the black opals and those with red hues. The most common
are the white and the green opals.

There are two variety: precious opal, which shows flashes of colour or
iridescence, depending on the angle of viewing and light; then there is
common opal which is often opaque and displays no iridescence. The
iridescence of precious opal is caused by the way the structure, or regular
arrangement of tiny silica spheres, diffracts light.

It was only 50 years ago, during the 60's, that a team of Australian
scientists, analyzing the various opal stones with an electron microscope
discovered the cause of the beautiful stone's unique visuals.
It was discovered that small spheres from silica gel caused interference
and refraction of light, and these in turn created the amazing hues and
colour play of the opal.

Some opal stones flash in myriad colours when exposed to light, such as
this amazing Ethiopian opal who was only recently discovered, and looks for
all the world like a scene from some underwater world when held against the
light. It is called the 'Welo Opal' for that area of
Ethiopia, and is priced per carat highly enough to compete with the most
expensive rubies, emeralds and diamonds.

The opal is a unique stone in that it is not crystalline in nature, but
made of hardened silica gel, and containing about 5-10% water. It's name
comes from the ancient language of Sanskrit, from the word "upala" which
means "precious stone". 90% of all opal stones are mined in Australia,
while the other 10% can be found in Brazil and Mexico.

The opal is also known, historically, as a very lucky stone, especially the
black opal. It was thought to ward off the evil eye and grant travellers
protection on their voyages. It guards your dreams from nightmares and
focuses your mental abilities and energies.

It was also thought to have psychological benefits, such as increase your
inner confidence and aid in the 'casting away' of emotions and behaviours
you wish to rid yourself of.

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From: Wally
Subject: Why Me?
 Click here

Theres a US TV movie about the romance between a patient, Leola Mae
Harmon, and the doctor, Dr James Stalling, who grafted her vagina, onto her
face

The operation was revolutionary, as it was the first time vaginal tissue
had been used in reconstructive surgery.

Stallings is quoted in the book as saying to Leola Mae Harmon.

"I couldn't figure how to make up for mucosa you'd be missing, from the
upper lip after the operation. Then it dawned on me that you have an
unlimited, undamaged source of healthy mucosa, if you wont mind my
performing a clinical trial, on something, that has never been tried
before."

Leola was US Air Force nurse, and was about to leave the service when the
accident took place. Her enlistment in the Air Force was extended so that
the cost of her treatment, which took several years to fully complete, was
covered.

Knowing the state of the US health insurance system, this seems like it was
an extremely canny move.

After her recovery was complete, Leola went to work as nurse at Dr
Stallings private practice, during which time they fell in love and got
married.

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From: Wally
Subject: 27 X From up Above Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Cat's Toys [XXX]
 Click here
He won't be asleep for long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Quote of the Week:

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
- Mark Twain.

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[ End friday humour ]

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