Friday humour - June 06, 2014

Gussius @ Bluehaze

The originator of the Bluehaze mailout list, Tony Sanderson could get a
little agitated by the ratbags out there who want to restrict free access
to information that the internet provides.

"Net Neutrality" can be a dry topic, but if you value what you now have
available from cyberspace and want to get your head around the topic - with
John Oliver's brand of humour, then Net Neutrality made simple is for you.

Check the Australian reference which speaks volumes.
 Click here

Contributions this week flooded in from Burnout, Nottingham Smithie, Sack,
Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang,
Anonymous3, Duke of Barsinov and other anons as usual.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Paddy on the Train:

Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini
skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her
thighs.
To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my
vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this,
I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can
do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as
the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple
of fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding---you mean it can whistle, too?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Verily I say unto you:

Carlin Looks at How Language has Changed.
So funny but oh so very true.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Twins:

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender,  "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two
Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent
a car and drive for miles.
Don't we, Jim?"  Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British cr*p," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's
beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so
arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Magic Sandals (smile):

  A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.  They were touring around
the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small
sandal shop.

  From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners!  Come in.  Come into my humble shop.'

  So the married couple walked in.  The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some
special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at
s*x.'

  Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the S*x
God that he was.

  The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a s*x freak?'

  The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

  Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in
and tried them on.

  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

  In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over
the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a
firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

  The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Complaints to council:

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just
plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at
6am his c*ck wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third,
so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

BROTHEL:

The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or
early fifties.

"May I help you sir?," she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

 "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else,"  said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged
$5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row
as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they
went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
night,
but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?"

The man replied," Idaho.

"Really," she said. "I have family in Idaho."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney."

"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A little Chicago Humor:

I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a
call-in program on WGN in Chicago.
People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner
Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.

Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset
cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field? Aren't you the guys that
sent a horse's ass to the White House".

I almost ran off the road!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

At last - a pen for women:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Mr Rabbit:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Rare Orchids:

I don't know where these are from but I haven't seen this type of flower before
The flower is called Hanging Naked Men, so do not Google Hanging Naked Men
or you might really see Naked Men ............

It is called Orchis Italica, or The Naked Man Orchid.

So funny, they come in all sorts of shapes and, umm sizes.

NOW... just in case you are a bit doubtful, (like me)....
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New Australian:

A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank
you Mr.  Australiaman, for letting me come into this country, giving me
housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"

The  passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."

The man goes on and  encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in Australia ."

The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his  hand, and says,

"Thank you for wonderful country Australia !"

That  person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not
Australian."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you  an Australia woman?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australian?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

5 Heroic Moments Caught On Camera:

1. Saving a woman from drowning
It was just a typical day for Katie Nelson, having lunch while watching the
world go by. But before her very eyes, a car sped by and crashed into
Portland Harbour. She realised that someone was still inside the car.
Without a second thought, Katie Nelson jumped into the water, climbed onto
the car, and look through the windows. She could see an elderly lady, later
identified as 84 year old Ursula Nixon, who was trapped in the rapidly
sinking car. She reassured the older lady, repeatedly telling her after she
grabbed her hands to prevent her from sinking under the water that she was
going to be alright. The entire incident was filmed by an observer, and it
is harrowing footage.
 Click here

2. Cop saves a baby from being hit by a car

Every mother's nightmare is to lose their baby, but not every mother has
Adam Brunswick watching out for them. A police officer just driving around
his normal beat, Adam Brunswick managed to catch on film the terrifying
moment when a baby in a shopping cart hurtled towards a busy main road. But
he acted quickly, positioning his squad car between the baby and the rest
of the traffic. He was eventually able to rescue the tot from the busy
road, preventing a complete tragedy. In following media appearances, the
Adam said that he knew there was no chance he could stop the shopping cart.
As an alternative, he went for the more viable option: Stopping the stream
of traffic in order to prevent any cars from colliding with it. In the end,
by using his emergency lights, he saved the baby. He said - I believe I did
the same thing any police officer would doť.
 Click here

3. Saving a falling child

When looking for a heroic moment, you need look no further than the actions
of Steven St Bernard. While he was having an average day, just walking home
from work, he had no idea what was just about to happen. As Steven St
Bernard walked along, he looked up and realised to his horror that there
was a little girl hanging outside a third floor window. He ran towards her,
and reached the point underneath her just as she fell. In an incredible
feat of strength and heroism, he caught her. The little girl had found a
way out of her home through a damaged air vent, and if it had not been for
this incredible man, this heroic moment could have ended in tragedy. St.
Bernard was a tad over 52 years old at the time, and he suffered from a
torn muscle, a small price for saving another human beings life, he said.
He was released after being treated for his injury at the Coney Island
Hospital, the same place the girl was hospitalized as well. St. Bernard,
who has been employed at the MTA for over 10 years, has four young kids of
his own and one of them is a little 7-year-old girl, just like Keyla. When
he eventually returned home, St. Bernard remembered, I was cool at the
time, but my heart was racing very fast. What would have happened if I
didn't manage to catch her?
 Click here

4. Saving two people from a runaway car

Saving the lives of two people from a runaway is no mean feat for any
person but it is especially fantastic when you realise that the star of
this footage is a dog. During part of his guide dog training for the
visually impaired, O'Neil realised that a car was coming too fast towards
his two handlers, and quickly pulled them out of the way. The video is
particularly terrifying, but it was probably even more so for the two
people who were so close to death. ONeil, despite only being a training
dog, has proved that there is often more than meets the eye to these heroic
moments, and it is lucky for all involved that his extra senses were on
high alert. With the whole incident caught on a private-security video,
ONeils perfect instincts as a future guide dog are being admired by more
than his teachers and Guide Dogs for the Blind. The surveillance film has
been shared by several news outlets, including
ABC News, and has gone viral.
 Click here

5. Saving a child’s faith in humanity

Sometimes it isn't saving lives, but changing lives that is the most heroic
moment in our lives. Jeremy
Henwood had just returned home from a tour of Afghanistan as a marine,
after two tours in Iraq, to take up a job as a police officer. It was a
quiet day, and he was caught on CCTV footage from a MacDonald's buying a
child some food because they did not have enough money. Minutes later, he
was shot in cold blood. Jeremy Henwood had sacrificed a lot for the people
that he loved, and for the country that he loved,
but in that small moment, he restored that child's faith in humanity, which
is something that very few people have a chance to save. His heroic moment
was probably one of many, but that was the only one that was captured on
camera. The shooter sped away from the crime scene in an Audi car and he
was driving so quickly that he caught the attention of a police patrol car,
which gave chase but was unable to keep up with the shooters vehicle. The
police officers in pursuit reported that suspect was moving at over 100
miles per hour. In the end several squad cars blocked the road and tracked
down the killer in order to make the arrest.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Philosophy:

Political correctness is the belief that it's possible to pick up a t*rd by
the clean end.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Job in Detroit

On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit ...

Doug was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy
was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the
matter?" Doug asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got
lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the
highest crime rate."

Doug replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the
media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll
your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the
world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been
worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your
word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Doug. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Hairy Question...:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Amazing what they can do these days...:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Smartest Ad:
 Click here

SMART AD FROM INDIA ... . . . . . . . . . . . ..

For the uninitiated, the Taj Mahal is a Tomb in Agra, India,
which was built by Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan to house
the remains of  his beautiful wife Mumtaz Mahal.

This has to be one of the cleverest advertising posters for
travelling to Agra.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Grandpa's Drink:

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and
after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the
bathroom.  When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the 
bathroom.
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't 
mine, so I put it back!'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New religion messages:
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Who should you vote for next time?:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Goodbye Girl
 Click here

Teacher grabs child by the Face
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

One Microsecond before ...:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fertilizer:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Beware of the type of fertilizer you use for your garden

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

10 Cute and Deadly Animals:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
We all know that some animals are extremely dangerous to humans and
we all know we should stay away from them. Spiders, snakes, big cats, bears
and other such creatures are all examples of things we should all be afraid
of. And yet some of nature's cutest, most lovely creatures can also be
quite deadly.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Strange Flowers:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
The flowers below all have two things in common: They're beautiful,
and they remind the human eye of something else entirely. These are flowers
I would love to have in my garden or in my house, they are just stunning
works of art by nature.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Tribute to the 9/11 Search and Rescue Dogs:
 Click here

September 11th 2001 was a day the world will not soon forget. Almost
3,000 people died and nearly 100 loyal search and rescue dogs scoured
Ground Zero for survivors. Recently, a Dutch photographer named Charlotte
Dumas embarked on a quest to find the last surviving 9/11 search and rescue
dogs. She travelled all over the United States and created "Retrieved", a
touching book and tribute to a fading generation of heroes.

Despite graying whiskers, clouding eyes and stiff joints, there is
still an undeniable sense of alertness and wisdom in the eyes of these
dogs. They have all been at the same place at the same time so many years
ago, working with their handlers and trying to save lives.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Glass Gem Corn:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

These photos of the glass gem corn have been making a lot of noise
lately. The story of this fascinating species of corn starts with a man
called Carl Barnes. Carl is a half-Cherokee half Scottish-Irish farmer, who
lives in Oklahoma. Carl had an amazing sense for growing corn, and excelled
in selecting and saving seeds from cobs, that displayed interesting
colours. Late in life, in his 80s, Carl met another plant enthusiast named
Greg Schoen, and together they grew what is now known as the Glass Gem
Corn, which comes in a myriad of lovely colours. The corn produces a
variety of jewel-like ears, each one with a unique patterns of colours.
This is a type of flint corn, so that the kernels can be ground, and made
into oatmeal or it can be popped and be made into popcorn. The popcorn
itself, unfortunately, is plain white.
Schoen has been giving seeds away to anyone, who is interested in growing
the unique corn, and many have taken him up on it, so I'm pretty sure that
you might be able to get your own glass gem corn some day soon!

You can buy the seeds for $7.95 from the Native Seed Shop
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Military Hospital:

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and
inspire the troops. Its WWI, trench warfare is living hell, and the men
could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the
wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: "What brings you in here son?"
The soldier replies: "sir, I got dysentery in the trenches something
awful." The general asks him: "How are they caring for you in here?"
and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth
on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush." The general asks:
"Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir,
the nurses are doing the best they can." The general seems satisfied,
thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.

The general approaches the second man's bed and asks: "What brings
you in here son?" The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: "sir, I got
gonorrhoea from a whore, while I was on leave." The general laughs and
says: "It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in
here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool
cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush." The general
asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No
sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general once again seems
satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.

The general approaches the third man's bed and asks: "What brings you
in here son?" The soldier tells him: "sir, I got strep throat in the
trenches." The general asks: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the
soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my
head and they clean my throat with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is
there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says:
"Actually sir, there is one thing... I'd like to be the first one to use
the brush."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

How to keep your car safe in a Hailstorm
 Click here

Feather Balancing
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

JOE-N-TONY SHOW:
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Redneck Doorbell:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Does this bring back memories?:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Those who were born in the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s are the
last generation[s] who played in the street?  During our childhood we
walked over a mile a day when we played...AND we played hide & seek outside
at night and rode our bikes all over town with no worries or fear of
anything bad happening to us.

We are the first generation who played video games and the last
to record songs off the radio onto a cassette tape.  We learned how to
program a VCR before anyone else, we were the first to play from Atari to
Nintendo. We are the generation of Tom & Jerry, Looney Toons, and Captain
Kangaroo. We traveled in cars without seat belts or air bags, and rode in
the backs of pick-up trucks.  We lived without cell phones, call waiting,
and caller ID.  We did not have fax machines, TV remotes, HD flat screens,
surround sound,  Ipods, facebook, twitter, computers or the internet....and
through it all, we had a really great time!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Rare picx from north korea:

You must read the captions to understand what life is like for these
people.

Very sad  -  and extremely scary.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (May 30, 2014)  Index Next (June 13, 2014)