Friday humour - May 30, 2014

From: Arfermo
Day Makers - Two and a half mins of good stuff!!!!
Two and a half mins of good stuff!!!!
 Click here

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From: Arfermo
Duck swimming!!
 Click here

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From: Burnout
The 10 second videos...
 Click here

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From: Davo
ENTER YOUR PASSWORD

The pleasures of older folk "tangling" with cyberspace

Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character
consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourASS, IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow"
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
"ReallyP*ssedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourASSIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow"
Sorry, that password is already in use.

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From: KRP
Classic Catch
 Click here
Find that man!  Australian cricket needs him!

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Getting to the Bottom of Technology
 Click here
Ah, so nice to see that not all new innovation is wasted on cars and
airplanes!

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Wine Bottle Opener

You should like this, but a tad over engineered dont you think?
If a barman kept me waiting this long for a drink he would be wearing his
machine.
 Click here
...made possible only because true engineers don't really need a reason.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
an amazing friendship
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
missing wife

A very worried bloke went to the police station to file a "missing persons"
report for his missing wife:
Bloke: I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday, and hasn't come
back.
Inspector: What is her height?
Bloke: Ummm - a bit shorter than me, I guess.
Inspector: Heavy, medium or slim build?
Bloke: Ummm - medium, I guess. I couldn't be sure on that.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Bloke: I can't recall that feature about her.
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Bloke: Well, that changes from week to week. I can't recall what colour it
was this week.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Bloke: Not sure whether it was a dress, or slacks and top.
Inspector: Shoe type and colour?
Bloke: Umm, she could have had on sandals or boots. I'm not sure of the
colour.

Inspector: She was driving a vehicle?
Bloke: Yes.
Inspector: Make and colour of the car?
Bloke: It's a black Audi A8 with the supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine
generating 295 HP, teamed with an 8-speed tiptronic automatic transmission
with manual mode.
It's got full LED headlights, a reversing camera, SATNAV, grey leather
upholstery with black inserts, 255/45-R18 Michelin Primacy HP tyres on 7
spoke genuine Audi mags, and it has a very light scratch, 1/3 of the way
along the LHF door.

Just then the bloke broke down, and started crying...
Inspector: There, there - don't worry, sir ... We'll find your car.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Bye Bye!
 Click here
Bye, bye English language!  If the BBC won't broadcast the word "girl,"
there is no reason to suppose they will continue broadcasting anything at
all in the English language.

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From: Sack
A census

A census taker in a rural  Cape Breton  went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and
their ages.  She said, 'Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy,
they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the
twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four .. '
Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins EVERY time?'
The woman answered, ' Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin.'

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Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with
crashing thunder and severe lightning.

As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with
my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm.
I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K. to
sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please
don't sleep with Mom that night.

They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up
in the terminal at the appointed time.

Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for
my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their
arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,

"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

Alex shouted,

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at
Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if
they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
---------------------------------------------------------------

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then
4-year-old daughter.

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car
seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my
footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I
take your order?"

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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."

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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

---------------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."

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From: Seasoldier
Communications

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really buggered now."

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From: Whizzbang
The Morality of Dishonesty

A few years ago robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives
belong to you."
 Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and
without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make
everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape..
Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal..

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree)
said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school):
"Hey,
maybe we should count how much we stole." ?
The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait
for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree..

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait", said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we
took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part
of today's robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $
3 million.
The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they
started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two
million dollars without blinking?  Maybe its better to learn how to work
the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank,
and he can rob everyone.

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From: Digi Maria
Fly Geyser in Nevada - not open to public...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
They could be pictures of another planet or the set of a science fiction
movie.
But it is in fact an amazing phenomenoncreated by accident in the middle of
the Nevada desert ..

The otherworldly images show Fly Geyser, a little-known attraction
described as one of the most beautiful sights in the state.

Located 20 miles north of Gerlach, in Washoe County, it was accidentally
created in 1916 during well drilling.

The geothermically heated pack of water found a weak spot in the wall in
the 1960s and began escaping, creating a geyser.  Over the years, dissolved
minerals created the mound that water now spews up to 20 feet from.

The geyser contains several terraces discharging water into 30 to 40 pools
over an area of 74 acres.

Multi-colored: The rainbow effect is created by minerals in the water
reacting with oxygen in the air.

These ponds are forming an ecosystem, with small fish and birds such as
swans and mallards enjoying the geyser.

David Jamison, who gives tours to the geyser said:  "I'd like to see more
people be able to enjoy it.When I saw it for the first time it wasn't this
big.
This whole area's kind of magic, there's no airplanes here or cars.
It's just peaceful and quiet, all these beautiful mountains around.  And
the sound of the water."

Fly Geyser is located on private land and is locked behind a closed gate
and a fence topped with barbed wire.
It is not open to the public (except for special permission) but can be
viewed from the road.

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Tarzan
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

I was at the pub yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan.
I asked him how it was going, and if he was making any more movies.
He told me,"me no longer make movies, me have severe arthritis,
both shoulders bad and not swing from vine to tree no more".
I asked about Boy, and he told me "Boy, gone big city,
get with bad women, on drugs and alcoholic;
and only time hear from him, when in trouble or need something".
I asked how Jane was doing?He told me,
"Jane in bad shape, in nursing home,
has bad Alzheimer's and not recognizes anyone". How sad!
I asked about Cheeta: he beamed and said,
"Cheeta do good. She marry lawyer, had plastic surgery,
now live in White House!!!

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Quick Course in Practical Aesthetics
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
some cartoons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
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From: Nottingham Smithie
I like the idea
 Click here

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From: Sack
Enjoy these
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The Great Gussius
ecards
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From: The Great Gussius
Signs of the times
 Click here Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Politics is like that
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Man On Meth Masturbates and Fights Off 15 Cops
 Click here

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From: Wally
Hubble Photos
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From: Wally
Warbirds
 Click here

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From: Wally
Links & Photos
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 Click here

Nineteen
 Click here

Peacherine Rag
 Click here

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From: Wally
Take Two Trips !!!
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 Click here Click here

Do you sometimes come back home after shopping and you carry more than you
can really handle, just so you won't have to go to the car again? Well
you're far from alone and you're not even half as crazy as these people,
loading up way beyond what looks humanly possible.

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From: Wally
This came right out of left field. [XXX]
 Click here

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From: Wally
F-16 Drone

Not a good day for the future of manned aircraft. The pilot is on the
endangered list it seems. This little 4 minute Boeing video is really
something, a first for a full size jet airplane. These F-16 aircraft have
been in the bone yard for 15 years, and are now being used as drones.
 Click here

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From: Wally
Bismarck & Lusitania Wrecks
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
New moving company
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Walmart Beach Is Open!
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
WHAT CAN THESE PEOPLE BE THINKING??????  Obviously they have a magic
mirror at home that shows them what they want to see...

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[ End friday humour ]

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