Friday humour - May 23, 2014

From Burnout@Bluehaze:

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Subject: Car trivia quiz
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Workers...
 Click here

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From: KRP
Subject: Peeling Apples
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Quote

"The Budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be
tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be
curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt. People must again learn to work
instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero, 55 BC

So, evidently we've learned bugger all over the past 2,069 years.

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From: Sack
Subject:  Gentle thoughts

Gentle Thoughts for Today
Birds of a feather flock together...
And then sh*t on your car.

A penny saved is a
Government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher
It is to lose weight, because by
Then your body and your fat have
Gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find
Something lost around the
House is to buy a replacement...

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman
Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

The sole purpose of a child's
Middle name is so he can
Tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you
Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
Together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will
Reach a point when you stop
Lying about your age and
Start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back
Their odometers. Not me, I want
People to know 'why' I look this
Way. I've traveled a long way and
Some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and
Would like to go back to your
Youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting
Old when everything either
Dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no
One tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young. Ah, being
Young is beautiful, but being
Old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around
My shoulder and your hand
Over my mouth . . . AMEN

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From: Sack
Subject: Shy New Employee

A young girl started work in the village chemist (pharmacy) shop.  she
was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was
going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if
she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll
ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom
won't even be used."
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "950". The girl panicked. She went to the
back and phoned the owner on his mobile
and told him of her predicament.
"Have a look and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his
legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
his legs.
"Yes!" she said, "He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him $9.50, he's the window cleaner."

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From: Sack
Subject: Grama's Boyfriend :-)

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his
grandmother one day. Playing
with his toys in her bedroom while
grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have
a boyfriend now that Grandpa went
to heaven?'

Grandma replied, ' Honey, my old TV is
my boyfriend. I can sit
in my bedroom and watch it all day
long. The religious programs make me
feel good and the comedies make me
laugh ... I'm happy with my old TV as
my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the
reception was terrible. She
started adjusting the knobs, trying to
get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started banging the
backside of the TV with her hand, hoping
to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring,
so he hurried to open the
door and there stood Grandma's
minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in
the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

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From: Sack
Subject: passing an exam

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the
hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "

I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into
his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"bsolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper.

"Would you ... study?"

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Marriage and the Lotto

At breakfast, the husband
says to his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

Id take half and leave you"  she says.

"Great"  he says.  "Here's $6.  I won $12 yesterday!  Stay in
touch".

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  A Party Trick To Learn For Our Next Major Birthday...
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Sad Story

Whilst strolling along the side of Parramatta River this
morning I noticed a
Muslim extremist slip from the pier at Parramatta Ferry
Terminal and fall into the water .

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives
he was
carrying.  If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Aussie, and abiding by the law of the land
that requires
you to help those in distress, I informed Parramatta Police,
the Immigration Office and even the Sas Rescue team.

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has
yet responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted three stamps.

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Re: Genius
 Click here
I'm no genius, but I'm pretty sure this won't work.

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From: Sack
Subject: Today's smiles
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Sack
Subject:Bogged!
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From: Sack
Subject:  Best Political Comment
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:Having trouble naming your boat?
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From: Sack
Subject: Life in six pictures
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From: Sack
Subject:  How's YOUR day going?
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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Design of Government policy to cut pensions
 Click here

This is a "one shot" fix of the real problem.

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From: Wally
Subject: Road Rage
 Click here Click here

Watch the black car on the right, which gets cut off, then comes around the
left side, and cuts in front of the car with the video camera ... what
happens next? Not nice,
but you have to feel sorry for the driver of the brown car.
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Big Sausage Breakfast
 Click here

(Carl’s Big Sausage Breakfast ad, was banned from the 2014 Super Bowl)

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From: Wally
Subject: Rubik's Cube is 40 Years Old
 Click here

Rubik's Cube was invented in 1974, by Hungarian sculptor and professor of
architecture, Erno Rubik.

Records
a.. The current world record for solving the Rubik's Cube was set by
Mats Valk of the Netherlands in March 2013, with a time of 5.55 seconds, in
Belgium

a.. One-handed solving: A time of 9.03 seconds was made in 2014, by
German Feliks Zemdegs, in Poland.

a.. Feet solving: Australian Fakhri Raihaan solved a Rubik's Cube with
his feet, in 27.93 seconds at Melbourne, in 2012.

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From: Wally
Subject: Acts of Kindness
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 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos
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The Voice - Germany
 Click here

Idiots
 Click here

Ken Block does the Streets of San Francisco
 Click here

The Strangest Square Mile in the Ocean
 Click here

More Engrish Signs
 Click here

Subject: Then and Now
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Subject: Strange Photos
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The Road to Machu Picchu
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The Climber
 Click here

Arabs New Motorhome
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The Arabs are foregoing their
camels for this New Motor home.
Especially designed for the Arab Market!
And they're buying them in droves at $3m a piece!
The moving mansion can even clean itself.
It's only available in white.

Subject: It's been a Cold Winter
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Subject: Beaches
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More Engrish
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Swedish Marines in Afghanistan
 Click here

Big Hands
 Click here

1st Class
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: INTERESTING FACTS
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Subject:  IT DOES NOT TAKE LONG
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Subject: Wise saying
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Subject:  BREAKING NEWS FROM HEAVEN
 Click here
OSAMA BIN LADEN HAS JUST MET WITH THE FIRST OF 72 VIRGINS PROMISED TO
HIM ... OSAMA HAS FINALLY BIN LADEN!

Subject: Joe Hockey stated
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

" I went window shopping last week. I brought four windows".
- Tommy Cooper.

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[ End friday humour ]

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