Friday humour - May 09, 2014

Gussius @ Bluehaze

How do you keep the Australian political electorate in suspense? Provide
answers only after a Royal
Commission or an ICAC hearing (Independent Commission Against Corruption) –
that’s how.

Feral and state pollies have fallen like ten pins during the corruption
hearing in NSW after questioning about fund raising and lobbying.
Apparently ICAC have found that the Ethical Cortex of the human brain is
connected to memory. When one fails it affects the other.

Our Navy this week turned back another boat load of refugees to Indonesia.
This time however - with 3 more people on board that it started with. The
government made the usual "no comment" comment, but a reliable source
informed me that a heavily pregnant refugee may have given birth in transit
to triplets.
Triplets would you believe?  The government however doesn't comment on
breaking waters matter either.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Nottingham Smithie, Wally,
Whizzbang, Whizzbang, Duke of
Barsinov, PeterLondon, Sack and anon.

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How men peel apples:
 Click here
Any questions?

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Seasoldier:

Divorce vs Murder ...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy
some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you
had a prescription."

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Blonde joke...

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the
car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep
them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? 
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into  their
seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the
street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a
big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to
the blond.
What in the world are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to
take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so now
we're going to Sea World."

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3 Aussie Blokes:

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel,
Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me,
someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says,
'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead, and she
gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

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Amazing:
 Click here

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Four pints of foreign blood:

John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a
major car crash.
When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:

"I've got good news and bad news.....the bad news is you have had 2 pints
of African blood and 2 pints of
Pakistani blood"

 John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list¯.

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A typical Scot??:

A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I've  never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen 
minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word
with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group
ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"

George the green-keeper  replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire
fighters.   They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said,

"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor  said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade
Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave  souls."

And the Scotsman said,

"Why kin they no play at night?

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AFFORDABLE POOL FOR RETIREES:
 Click here
Who needs one of those fancy expensive pools?? This'll be just dandy..

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Maths Trick:

How to Change a Number 1 into a Number 2
 Click here

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100 ch = 2 3/4 in:
 Click here

What a great invention from the Stanley Company!
Example: 100 ch = 2-3/4 inches

Stanley has just released a revolutionary new tape measure that will surely
take the industry by storm!
While at first look it seems like a regular tape measure, the finite
measurement capability is unmatched by any other tape measure ever made.

So the next time your buddy tells you to, "Move it a c*nt hair to the left
or right," you won't have to guess!
"At Stanley, we help you do things right." For those who understand, no
explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

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Airport Security..:

How to predict a TSA pat down
 Click here
Bet you spotted it right off ... the suitcase doesn't have a name tag!!!

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Traumatised?:
 Click here Click here

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Funnies:
 Click here Click here

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Home birthing:
 Click here

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Monarch Butterfly:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
The Monarch butterfly is perhaps the best known of all North American
butterflies. It is easily recognizable by its bright orange-red wings, with
black veins and white spots along the edges. The Monarch butterfly is
famous for its southward migration from Canada to Mexico, and the northward
return back to Canada in summer. The distance they travel is 2,800 miles,
each way. However, no single butterfly lives to see the whole journey, as
migrations usually span 3-4 generations. It is also the only insect to
cross the Atlantic.

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Iran Thermal Power Plant Failure:
 Click here

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The Postman:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

One Monday morning the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his
usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in
the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of
empty beer, wine, and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the
Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Sat*rday night. This
is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday
morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for
some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight
that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered
with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughed  and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7
times.'

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Waiting:
 Click here
A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At
nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car, in a lovers' lane, with the car
interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approached the car to get a
closer look and saw a young man behind  the wheel, reading a magazine. He
also noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked up to the car and
gently rapped on the driver's window. The young man lowered his window and
said, Yes,
officer'?

The policeman asked, What are you doing?

The young man said, Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.¯

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the policeman asked,

And her, what is she doing?¯

The young man shrugged casually.

Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.¯

By now, the officer was getting confused - a young couple, alone, in a car,
at night, in a lover's lane, and nothing intimate was happening.

He asked the driver, "What is your age, young man?¯

The young man said, I'm 18, sir.¯

The policeman pointed to the young lady, and asked, And what's her age?¯

The young man looked at his watch, and replied,

I believe she'll be 16, in 9 minutes.

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3 X Links & 13 X Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Sit (No Words):
 Click here

Helicopter Crash:
 Click here

Oh Those Russians:
 Click here

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Nirvana: $300 Million Dollars:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

We're not trying to make you jealous here, we just appreciate a
really beautiful vehicle of any kind,
be it land, air or sea - this one definitely makes the 'wow' part of our
lists.

Marking a price range of $300 million dollars, Nirvana was design by
Sam Sorgiovanni and built by the
Oceano corporation. At 290 feet (88 meters) long, Nirvana is quite quick
for a boat of its size (about 22 miles / 19.5 knots). It comes with a sun
room, a spa, a fitness centre, an interior elevator and even a helicopter
pad, all of which represent only a small amount of the luxurious surprises
this yacht has in store for its lucky renters or owners.

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You Couldn't Make This Up !!!:
 Click here Click here Click here

It's not often a Canadian news story wings its way around the world, but
this one is pretty special.

After receiving a number of complaints about a man exposing himself in
local parks, Ottawa police finally arrested the 62-year-old flasher, on
Tuesday morning.

So far, so bland.

But the suspect's name is, er, Donald Popad*ck. (POP-A-D*CK)

And it gets better.

Got space for one more? Oh go on, why the hell not.

The officer charged with tweeting this public service update?

Ottawa Police Sgt. Iain Pidc*ck. (PID-C*CK)

Yep, that's it, I'm done

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Where is he working Now?:
 Click here

Singapore at Night:
 Click here

Parahawking:
 Click here

Felix Jumps:
 Click here

Where Sports meet Humanity: 
 Click here

Go Heather: 
 Click here

People Saving Animals:
 Click here

Enjoy Fishing? (Here's the Wunder Boner):
 Click here

Learner Driver - Day 1:
 Click here

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Two Blondes:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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5 X Links & 24 X Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Hope it's Empty:
 Click here

Brother (8yo) & Sister (6yo) do the Salsa:
 Click here

Synchronized Swimming without a Pool:
 Click here

Goodbye Mercedes: tinyurl.com/mas8j38

How to fix a Sore Back:
 Click here

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4 X Links & 6 X Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Baltimore Landslide (Wait till the end):
 Click here

The Grand Scam (X ā€“ Language):
 Click here

Coca Cola & Milk (Mix):
 Click here

Fishing with Nitro:
 Click here

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Japanese School Buses:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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The Queen's Riddle:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Tony Abbott asks the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen,

"The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Abbott then asked,

"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in
here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mummy?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Charlie.
Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not
your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered:

"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Tony Abbott went back home to Australia by Qantas

He  decided to ask Joe Hockey the same question.
"Joe, answer this for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's
not your sister.
Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Hockey. "Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an
answer.

Frustrated, Hockey went to the toilet, and found Clive Palmer there.

Joe Hockey went up to him and asked "Hey Clive, see if you can answer this
question."
"Shoot Joe."

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your
sister.
Who is it?"

Clive Palmer answered, "That's easy, it's me!"

Joe Hockey grinned, and said, "Good answer Clive, I see it all now!"

Joe Hockey then, went back to find Tony Abbott.
"Tony, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Clive Palmer"

Tony Abbott got up, stomped over to Joe Hockey,
and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince
Charles!"

. . . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY
WHAT'S GOING ON IN CANBERRA

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Canadian Walmarts Better than USA: [XXX]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
After all those fat & bizarre people at US Wal-Marts, I thought you might
like to see photos from the one I go to here in Canada.

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[ End friday humour ]

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