Friday humour - April 25, 2014

From Burnout @ Bluehaze -

Well, it's ANZAC DAY.
Just like to say a few words here about our first Anzac VC, Albert JACKA;

On the morning of the 25th April, 1915, Albert left Lemnos Island on board
the Seanchoon, a troop carrier with around 1200 men, which anchored off the
Gallipoli peninsula.

From there they watched anxiously as their mates commenced the attack.
At the end of the day they witnessed part of the beach being evacuated.
Volunteers were called for and at 6:30pm Albert and 30 others raised their
hands to help carry the wounded from the beach.

The following day Albert landed with the rest of his Battalion on the
peninsula. Their first assignment was to occupy a position known as 
Courtney's Post. He was immediately subject to intense fire.

Albert was not perturbed by the scene of dead, dying and wounded men.
He had numerous close calls, one of which he noted in his diary. While
sleeping in reserve, a shell burst near him, killing a lieutenant lying
next to him. He noted "I was unscathed." Albert also began to show a side 
of his fearlessness when he crept into no man's land to retrieve the body 
of a dead German Soldier. This would have been done simply out of curiosity.

While positioned at Courtney's Post, Abert's D company was called to the
front line and in the early hours of 19^th May, following a brutal night of
shelling, the Turks attacked. After lobbing grenades into a section of 
trench, the Turks jumped in and held a seven yard section. Albert was also 
positioned in the trench and advanced to an indentation in the trench wall 
which provided cover.
Jacka fired across into the trench wall therefore halting the Turkish
Jacka also managed to reach his Lieutenant down a communication trench
where he asked for ten men to lobby a counter attack. He received four.

Unfortunately the counter attack failed so Albert retreated back to the
communication trench where he devised another plan. He moved back down the
reserve trench running parallel with the front line trench. He then
manoeuvred behind the Turks and up into no man's land.

The Australians then proceeded to throw grenades at the Turks.
Simultaneously Jacka, under the cover of the dust raised by the grenades, 
jumped into the trench behind the Turks. He bayoneted the first two Turks, 
shot five and took three prisoners.

As the sun rose, Lieutenant Crabbe entered the section of trench to find
Albert and the Turkish prisoners. With a flushed face and an unlit
cigarette in his mouth,
Albert said, "I managed to get the buggers sir."

Albert's diary entry:

"Great battle at 3.00am. Turks captured large portion of trench. D. Coy
called into front line. Lt. Hamilton shot dead. I lead a section of men and
recaptured the trench.
I bayoneted two Turks, shot five, took three prisoners and cleared the
whole trench.
I held the trench alone for 15 minutes against heavy attack. Lt. Crabbe
informed I would be recommended."

Albert was awarded the Victoria Cross for his brave actions. He is the
first Australian to receive the decoration in the Great War. He is 22 years
old at the time.

Upon becoming the first Australian to be awarded the Victoria Cross,
Albert became the face for recruitment campaigns to encourage Australians
to go to war. He also received a gold medal and 500 pounds from businessman
John Wren.

Jacka went on to more fame and heroics in France. He was decorated again
and attained the rank of Captain, all in under 18 months. He was invalided
home in 1919 after being shot in the throat. He became mayor of St Kilda
and died in 1932, the eight pallbearers at his funeral were all 
VC recipients.

  -Lest we forget -


Subject: Dead Penguins

*As an avid reader of National Geographic and Smithsonian magazines, I was
intrigued to find this bit of scientific information from an entirely
different source.*

*Thought you would be as intrigued as I.*

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on theice in
Antarctica? Where do they go?Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the
penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and
complex life.  The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate
for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its
offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

*"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."*


Subject: Parking......

A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer. She
says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for 
the loan. The bank's manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde
"Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15..41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
("Which Bank?")


From: Burnout
 Click here


From: Burnout
Subject: The Irish Fire Fighter

             Paddy, was walking along the street during his
             visit to Adelaide S.A. when he rounds a corner and there's a
             high rise
             apartment building on fire.
             Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs
             up to the
             building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped
             stories up.
             Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael
             Fitzpatrick, the
             Irish Fire Fighter!
             If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints to drink
             all today!"
             One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy
             catches her.
             Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps.
             Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.
             Then an Aboriginal man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk.
             Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.
             Paddy looks up and yells: "Don't be throwin' out the burnt


From: Digi Maria
Subject: One_Photo.

3200 Years in One Photo...

It takes a special kind of tree to have a nickname.

Not every tree has a nickname, but 'The President' has earned it. This
giant sequoia stands at 247 feet tall, and is estimated to be over 3,200
years old. Imagine, this tree was already 1200 years old when Jesus walked
the earth.

  oldest tree in one photo
 Click here

The trunk of the president measures at 27 feet across, with 2 BILLION
needles from base to top.

  oldest tree in one photo
 Click here

Because of its unbelievable size, this tree has never been photographed in
its entirety. Until now. A team of national geographic photographers have
worked along with scientists to try and create the first photo that shows
the president in all its glory.

  oldest tree in one photo
 Click here

They had to climb the tree with pulleys and levers, and took thousands of

  oldest tree in one photo
 Click here

Of those, they selected 126 and stitched them together, to get this
incredbile portrait of the president.

  oldest tree in one photo
 Click here

And here it is:

  oldest tree in one photo
 Click here

Incredible, is it not?


From: Digi Steve
Subject: more lovely and more temperate
 Click here


From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Thought you might like this...

Wow, what a performance! Can we get these at the Courtyard?
 Click here


From: KRP
Subject: Remarkable Skiing & Snowboarding
 Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: chickens

altogether now, say awwwww!!!!
 Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Women are unique....

Husband'??s Text Message (by phone):

Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.

The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not
cause any serious injury,

but I do have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and
they may have to amputate the right foot.

  Wife'??s Response:  Who the hell is Paula??


From: Sack
Subject:   MANAGEMENT 101

     Eddie wanted desperately to have s*x with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.
     One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll
give you $100 if you let me have s*x with you.'

     The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

     Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

     She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend, She called him and explained the situation.
     Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really
fast. He won?t even be able to get his pants down. She agreed and accepts
the proposal.

     Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend's call.

     Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,'What

     Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all

     Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.


From: Sack
Subject:  Have you got a pen

I was in the Texas Rose last night at the bar waiting for a beer, when a

big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.

She said, ?Hey, s*xy, how about giving me your number??

I looked at her and said, ?Have you got a pen.?

She said, ?I sure do."

I said, ?Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you?re

My dental surgery is on Monday.


From: Sack
Subject:  Note on the Fridge

I came home from the golf course today.

The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

What the hell is she talking about?


From: Anonymous3
Subject: This is amazing
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Photographer Evan Schiller and   target=_blank>Click here Lisa

Holzwarth were on a game drive in the northern Botswana 's Selinda area
when they came across a big troop of baboons charging through the bush.

"30-40 baboons were heading in our general direction making a lot of
Lisa recalls.
The baboons were obviously frightened by something and they all scampered
up trees, shouting, alarming, and making a big scene. It quickly became
clear what the problem was: two large lionesses came out of the tall grass
and rushed the baboons into the trees, soon joined by two more lionesses.
"Between the baboons shrieking and the lionesses communicating with deep
guttural roars, it was a mad scene," Lisa says.
But then the real chaos began! One brave baboon descended the dead tree and
tried to make a run for it. but got snapped up in the jaws of a lioness.

The lioness grabbed a female baboon on the run. But there was something
else there. As the baboon lay dying in the jaws of the lioness, a little
baby (less than a month old) slowly disengaged from its mother's body.

Instinct took over and the baby tried to make a go for a tree, but did not
have the strength to climb. At this point the lioness noticed the "little
guy" and went over to investigate.

Instead of snapping the baby up in a deadly movement, she started to play
with the baboon.

The lioness was inquisitive and gentle at the same time.

After a while she picked up the baboon softly in her mouth and walked away,
then settled down with the baby between her paws.

In a strange behavioural twist, the baboon started to try and suckle the
What happened next blew our minds - the baby, in another instinctual
held onto the lioness' chest and tried to suckle.

The lioness got distracted-this time by two male lions who arrived on the
scene. Their advances, however, were met with aggression by the lioness.
Was she defending the baby baboon? Or just uninterested in their mating
Here's where it gets interesting: Waiting in a nearby tree is a big male
baboon, who is obviously intent on saving the baby. The male lions were
causing such a ruckus that it presented a short window of opportunity for
the brave hero to descend the tree, grab the baby and head back to safety.
The father baboon had to make a move. Holding the baby, in all sorts of
contorted positions, he tried numerous times to climb down the tree. He
tested the lionesses' interest with each descent.

The heroic male baboon, having just saved the baby from the lions, cradled
him in his arms. Photographs all by Evan Schiller

"I was touched by how gently the father baboon held this little baby who
was in tough shape after its ordeal."

Life is fragile and no matter how much we fight to control its outcome, all
we can do is live in the moment."


From: Anonymous3
Subject: Someone is waiting for us at home
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

It's great to know that someone is waiting for us at home.


From: Burnout
Subject: Air Guitar - Radar Love. (XXX - ED)
 Click here


  From: Digi Maria
Subject: Only in Australia
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Motivational Posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Bird deaths
 Click here

Bird Strikes .....

Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near
Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from
Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to
everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of
paint appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% had been
killed by impact with lorries,  while only 2% were killed by an impact with
a car.
The MoT then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was
a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:

--- when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby
tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows would shout "Cah",
not a single one would shout "Lorry."


From: Sack
Subject: Are you a vet?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Here is a great story, without a word being said except at the very end

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water and saved my precious little
Upon getting back on the pier, he checked out my puppy and told me,
"Ze dog is ok. He vill be fine."

Due to his selfless heroic act, I asked, "Are you a vet?"
He replied, "Vet ? I'm fuken soaked!"


From: Sack
Subject: flying stunt
 Click here


From: Sack
Subject:  : Beijing Hotel Brochure

Just as well there is no universal language, or we would not get gems like

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel.
It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to

         Getting There:
         Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to
the hotel
         runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing
         You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you
will go round the bend.
         The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries
to have intercourse with all new guests.

         The hotel:
         This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course
are always
         pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in
the evenings
         to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the
bar and expose
         themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed
to have babies in the bar.
         We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play
with them self.

         The Restaurant:
         Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and
         At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and
fiddle with you.

         Your Room:
         Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In
winter, every room is on heat.
         Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .
         You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between
the hotel and the lake
         is used only by pederasts.

         Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you
have any other
         ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of
her. She will be
         very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If
asked, she will
         also squeeze your trousers.

         Above all:
         When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no
         You will struggle to forget it."


From: Sack
Subject: Oops!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


From: Sack
Subject:  : 10 ways to terrorize a telemarketer

                       10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them!

                       "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days
seems to care,

                       and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
acting up, my

                       eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."

                       9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,
ask them to

                       spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company
name. Then

                       ask them where their company is located. Continue
asking them

                       personal questions or questions about their for as
long as

                       necessary. Such as when did their company start, who
was the

                       founder, are they still with company?

                       8. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker
name such as

                       "Judy! Is that you? Oh my word! Judy, how have you

                       been?" Hopefully, this will give "Judy" a few

                       brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out
where the

                       hell she could know you from.

                       7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the
Family and

                       Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you
can, "I

                       don't have any friends... Would you be my friend?"

                       6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you
just filed for

                       bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

                       5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest"

                       ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some

                       4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask
him/her to

                       marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them
that you

                       could not just give your credit card number to a


                       3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment
and ask

                       them if they will give you their HOME phone number
so you can

                       call them back. When the telemarketer explains that
they cannot

                       give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you

                       want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The

                       telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know
how I


                       2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon,
playing a

                       joke. "Come on Leon , cut it out!

                       Seriously, Leon

                       , how's your momma?"

                       And first and foremost:

                       1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want
to write

                       EVERY WORD down.


From: Sack
Subject: Just the Right Angle - These are Fabulous!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Sack
Subject: more stuff you don't see every day.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


From: Sack
Subject: Fw: Dad's new iPad

This 32 second video is hysterical, even for those of us who don't speak
Watch the following short clip, it takes less than a minute.
A  daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the  kitchen.

She asks: "Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new iPad we gave you
for your birthday?"

This clip is spoken in German but it's totally understandable in any
 Click here


From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: Fired on First Day!
 Click here

Fired on First Day!

How do you manage to get fired on the first day in a Winnie the Poo
By putting on your costume pants the wrong way around!


From: The Great Gussius
Subject: I thought it was just handbags
 Click here


From: Wally
Subject: Only in India
 Click here

Although access to toilets in India,
has been a problem, education to change habits has lagged behind
improvements to facilities,
hence the TV campaign.

TV Ad - Click here

Take the Poo to the Loo
Don'??t do it in the Street


From: Wally
Subject: 3D Pencil Drawings
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Alessandro Diddi has an uncanny ability to make drawings come alive,
not only giving them a realistic look, but one that actually leaps off the
entering real life. His drawings are so powerfully three dimensional,
that it seems impossible to remember, they are only drawings by a simple


From: Wally
Subject: 5 Links & 11 Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

5 Links

Tulip Festival
 Click here


The Moving Stones of Death Valley
 Click here


Honey Badger Houdini
 Click here


Nike Ad
 Click here


Motorcycle Tango
 Click here


From: Wally
Subject: 15 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


From: Wally
Subject: 12 X Video Links & 8 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

12 X Video Links & 8 X Photos

Japan's got Talent (3yo)
 Click here

Magic (They are Good)
 Click here

The Ringmaster (Illusionist)
 Click here

Salut Salon (Great & Funny as well)
 Click here

The Tower (No thanks)
 Click here

60 Powerful Photos
 Click here

Car Crashes (Language)
 Click here

Grandma's First Flight
 Click here

Wiley vs Rhodes (The New Road Runner)
 Click here

Lions, Buffalos, and Crocodiles
 Click here

Pitstop ' 1950 vs 2013
 Click here

History of Religion
 Click here


From: Wally
Subject: They call it Art !!!
 Click here Click here Click here

The woman who walked a man up a London street on a dog lead, says the
display was a theatrical project, and not a PR stunt.

The odd couple sparked an internet frenzy, when bemused passers-by saw the
man crawling on all fours in Farringdon.

Twitter was flooded with users posting pictures and video footage of the

Eden Avital Alexander, who has worked as an actress for 20 years, said she
was the woman behind the stunt.

The man on the lead is the director of the project, who wants to remain
anonymous until the piece goes live.

She said the idea was to create art, by filming reactions to the man being
taken for walkies.

A hidden camera was put in a tissue box and carried by a woman walking
alongside them, but as soon as people began filming, the camera operator
joined the crowds.

Many speculated the pair were part of a PR stunt, and mock-up pictures of
the pair advertising cleaning products emerged.

She said some members of the public approached her and one passer-by even
began a debate on human rights.

Ms Alexander moved to London from Israel three years ago and has starred in
several plays, including productions at Camden's The Lord Stanley and
Battersea Arts Centre.


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Trapped underground ...... Amazing pictures ..tragic
 Click here

Another True Story!!!
The miners were trapped inside the African Rainbow Minerals gold mine in
Orkney, South Africa 110 miles southwest of Johannesburg


From: anonymous

(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter
part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently
humorous. Enjoy!
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
Notify:' I putĀ  'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are s*xy. (ever been

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder
for me to find one now.

Spread the Laughter
Share the Cheer
Let's Be Happy
While We're here!!


Quote of the Week:

"They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
  Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
  At the going down of the sun and in the morning
  We will remember them."

- Laurence Binyon (1869--1943)

[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (April 18, 2014)  Index Next (May 02, 2014)