Friday humour - April 18, 2014

[ from Steve @ Bluehaze ]

Hope you have (or had) a meaningful Easter.

This tome is supplied courtesy of Digi Maria, KRP, Nottingham Smithie,
Sack, Wally, Whizzbang, and other unidentified entities.

Enjoy!

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Just letting you know that the book, "Understanding Women" is now out in
paperback.
 Click here

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THE CRAZY BUT SIMPLE WAY TO DOUBLE YOUR CAR REMOTE KEY FOB RANGE
There's a weird trick to get significantly more distance out of your car's
remote key All you need to do is use your head! The science behind it will
definitely fascinate you.
 Click here

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Spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going to China on
Malaysian flight MH370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.

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In My Backyard
 Click here
This is a great victory for the people of Nevada. I don’t know just what
persuaded the BLM and other agencies to back off and go away. I strongly
suspect that it wasn’t the demonstrators or any pressure they exerted.
The media attention must have come too close to exposing some politically
embarrassing information or something like that. BLM and swat don’t just
say, “King’s X, we really didn’t mean it after all, and pack up and
go away. It never happens that way. Someone high up, with something to hide
or something to lose, called the White House, or some other very high
official, and told them to stop what was happening. Then orders came down
from above for the officers on the scene to skedaddle. The authorities
don’t react to public pressure this way. They only react to political
pressure this way.

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Leroy Anderson (1908-1975) was an American composer of short, light concert
pieces, many of which were introduced by the Boston Pops Orchestra under
the direction of Arthur Fiedler. As with all his other compositions, Leroy
Anderson wrote The Typewriter for orchestra, completing the work on October
9, 1950.
This particular orchestration was performed in a June 12, 2011 concert by
members of the National Orchestra and Chorus of Spain in Madrid.
The (typewriter) soloist is Alfredo Anaya. Watch his expressions and
actions throughout the video...wonderful!
Many of the younger crowd who may see this video won't remember the ole
typewriter. But us geezers remember it well. That was a long time ago.
You will find this rendition absolutely delightful. If you aren't at least
smiling at the end, you REALLY MUST BE HAVING A VERY BAD DAY!
This is for all the ancients who remember what a typewriter is!
 Click here

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A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard,
has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery
there, he lost all interest in s*x.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract
surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight

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Watch this couple - The Jovers!!

These exercises are only for people who fall gently, a husband and wife
team... which makes it funnier.

And she in a dress and heels!
 Click here

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1. Dead mouse found in a Curry Sauce
When Cate Barrett bought a jar of tikka masala sauce from her local Asda
store, she was expecting it to contain a bit of a kick. But what she wasn't
expecting to find was the dead mouse which had somehow ended up in the jar
- along with the rest of her favourite sauce. The nursery worker had begun
making dinner for herself and her boyfriend, Nigel, when she poured the
sauce into the pan, and noticed it was a little lumpy. As she began
stirring the sauce through, she noticed what looked like whiskers and a
tail - and immediately knew it was a dead rodent. The couple took the dead
animal and the jar of Asda Extra Special sauce back to the shop where a
manager apologized and said it would be sent for examination.

2. Oven glove found in Hovis loaf
A woman in Northern Ireland discovered part of an oven glove baked into her
slice of bread - and she didn't even notice it until she began eating it.
The loaf had been bought from a local shop just before Christmas. When the
victim discovered the contamination, she reported the matter to the
environmental health section of the council. The packet turned out to be
full of shreds of the hessian-type cloth. Herefordshire-based Hovis makers
Premier Foods were fined £750.

3. Chicken head found in McDonald's Happy Meal
An American mother went to a McDonald's with her two 6 and 8 -year old
children.
She ordered two Happy Meals with chicken for the children and a hamburger
with fries for herself. While they were eating, the 6-year old was more
interested in the slide across the street than in the chicken nuggets which
he didn't even touch. So the mother decided she would eat them. Without
actually watching what she was doing she was bringing a chicken biggest to
her mouth, just when her 8-year old son yelled not to eat it. So she looked
at the biggest to find that -- despite the crust, it looked just like a
chicken's head.The manager offered them their meal for free and two more
weeks of free meals. The mother pressed charges and demanded 100,000
dollars compensation.

4. 7-inch knife found in a Subway Bun
A Queens, N.Y. man sued his local Subway restaurant after he made a
frightening discovery that gives new meaning to his former favorite, the
Italian cold-cut trio: a knife baked right into the bun. John Agnesini, 27,
was shocked to find the surprise ingredient, and a large one at that, in
his sandwich. The design director of HX magazine was sitting at his
computer doing work and not looking at what he was about to put into his
mouth. Agnesini said he didn't bite into the knife's blade and wasn't cut,
but a few hours later, he said he felt sick to his stomach and went to his
doctor.

5. Dead frog found in a Diet Pepsi can
Fred DeNegri was grilling in his backyard when he cracked open a can of
Diet Pepsi, took a thirsty gulp and immediately started gagging. The flavor
of his Pepsi was rank and the texture was thick like slime. He immediately
took it to a sink and shook out the contents until something resembling
"pink linguini" slid out, followed by "dark stuff”. Despite persistent
shaking, a heavy object remained inside the can. Completely disgusted, the
DeNegris immediately called poison control and the FDA, and the can was
taken in for lab testing to identify the source of the sludgy mess. The
couple received a copy of the completed report from the Food and Drug
Administration Office of Regulatory Affairs, which concluded the foreign
matter appeared to be a frog or a toad.

6. Finger found in frozen custard
A man found part of a severed finger packed inside a pint of frozen custard
he'd bought from a Kohl's Frozen Custard shop, and officials said it
belonged to a worker injured in a food-processing machine accident there.
The customer, Clarence Stowers, said he put the finger in his mouth,
thinking it was a piece of candy when he opened the pint at home. Stowers
said he spat the object out, and "I said, 'God, this ain't no nut!' So I
came in here to the kitchen and rinsed it off with water and realized it
was a human finger and I just started screaming."

The custard shop owner, Craig Thomas, said that the 23-year-old employee
who lost the finger had dropped a bucket while working with a machine that
dispenses the custard. He tried to catch the bucket when the accident
occurred. Thomas said that as several employees tried to help the injured
worker, a drive-thru window attendant apparently scooped the chocolate
custard into a pint before being told what had happened.


7. Condom found in clam chowder
In Feb. 2002 a woman was eating a bowl of clam chowder at a McCormick and
Schmick's seafood restaurant in Irvine, CA, when she bit down on something
rubbery. She thought it was a piece of calamari, but when she spit it out
into her napkin she discovered that it was a condom. She immediately
complained and the restaurant manager took the condom from her. The woman
later sued and won an undisclosed settlement from the restaurant. The
restaurant itself tried to sue the supplier of the clam chowder, but a
judge ruled in favor of the supplier.

8. C*ckroach found in packet of GoldenBoy
A man almost ate this c*ckroach, found inside a packet of GoldenBoy crispy
anchovy snack. The c*ckroach was difficult to spot initially as it was
coated with sesame seeds, making it blend together with the snack. He had
bought a 'GoldenBoy crispy anchovy snack' and almost ate a small c*ckroach
after eating about 1/3 of the snack. The c*ckroach even had sesame seeds on
it, which means that it came along with the anchovies inside.

9. Black Widow spider found in bag of Grapes
A man from Boston found a living black widow spider in a bag of grapes
bought at the Whole Foods Market in Brighton. Jorge Fuertes reached into
the bag, pulled out some grapes and saw something black fall out and run
away. He thought it was an ant, so he looked in the bag and found a
southern black widow spider. He spit out his mouthful of grapes and noticed
the spider's telltale red hourglass on its belly. He put it in a yogurt cup
and went back to the store to let them know what had happened. A manager
told Fuertes the entire shipment of Anthony's brand organic red seedless
grapes would be removed from the shelves. In a statement Whole Foods said
spiders are part of the landscape at their California grower and "although
we are very cautious when unpacking produce, sometimes insects are not
detected." A black widow bite is rarely deadly, but its neurotoxic venom is
painful. It can bring on muscle cramps, vomiting, and dizziness, especially
in young children and the elderly.

10. Poop found in ice cream
A family accused chefs of serving poop in their ice cream after they
complained about noise during a football match. A bitter row broke out
between them and one of Sydney's largest tourist pubs. State government
food minister Ian Macdonald confirmed that frozen fecal matter had been
found in a serving of chocolate gelato offered to placate pub patron Steve
Whyte and his wife Jessica, who became "violently ill" after eating it.
Staff at the Coogee Bay Hotel, located just a few minutes south of Bondi
Beach, denied the charge. Both the chef and restaurant manager volunteered
for DNA tests to prove their innocence. Both sides have accused the other
of money seeking, with the Whyte's claiming they were offered $5,000 in
hush money by pub General Manager Tony Williams, while they in turn were
accused of trying to negotiate up to $1 million in damages

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Arab Speedway
 Click here

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The little fans on the c*ckpit windscreen "what the ??????"

And the yanks think they can do it all!!!!!

This is amazing, I want one for Christmas.
 Click here

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Missing Wife

Distraught husband filing a report on his missing wife:
Husband: I lost my wife (Misty), she went shopping & still has not reached
home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Jnspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pant suit or dress... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was she going in a car?
Husband: yes.
Inspector: tell me the number, name & colour of the car?
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333
horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission
with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting
diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front
left door... and then the husband started crying.
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car.

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Blue Bird of Happiness
 Click here

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World's Best Baby Sitters!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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That Should Work
 Click here

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Randall Rosenthal's cardboard box Patience and practice!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Animals that cannot figure out how furniture works ~~~~~~
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy a can of cat food. She
picked up a can of Whiskas and took it to the check-out counter.

The cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof
that you have a cat."

The old lady asked, "Why?"

The cashier replied, "A lot of old people buy cat food to eat. Management
wants proof you have a cat."

The old lady walked home and returned with her cat.

The cashier sold the can of Whiskas to the old lady.

Two days later the old lady tried to buy a can of Pedigree dog food.

The cashier said, "Sorry, but I cannot sell you dog food without proof that
you have a dog."

The old lady asked, "Why?"

The cashier replied, "A lot of old people buy dog food to eat. Management
wants proof you have a dog."

So the old lady walked home and returned with her dog.

The cashier sold the can of Pedigree to the old lady.

A few days later the old lady returned to the store. She held a wooden box
with a hole in the lid.

The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a rat or a snake in there."

The old lady replied, "I assure you there is nothing in the box that will
bite your finger."

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. Her
finger was coated in a slimy brown substance.

The cashier smelled her finger and said, "That smells like sh*t."
The old lady said, "It is. Now will you sell me some toilet paper?"

Don't mess with old people!

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Cripes and crikey and heck and a whole lot more.......
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
Going some way toward answering the age-old question, "In a fight to the
death between snake and crocodile, who would emerge the victor?" - or,
perhaps more accurately, "What the actual heck, Australia?" - a snake has
casually eaten a crocodile under the most terrifyingly Australian
circ*mstances ever at Lake Moondarra, near Mount Isa in Queensland.

Local woman Tiffany Corlis was yesterday brunching close to the lake, which
she says she hasn't been dissuaded from swimming in ever again, when she
was alerted to the presence of the prehistoric reptilian grudge match
nearby; naturally, she grabbed her camera, got very close and lived to
today paint for ABC North West Queensland Radio the following vivid
picture:

"[The Crocodile] was fighting at the start, it was trying to keep its head
out of water and survive. But as the morning progressed you could tell both
of them were getting a little weaker and the struggle was going on, finally
the croc sort of gave in."

"It was just unbelievable," she continues, "We were sort of thinking the
snake had bitten off a little more than it could chew, pardon the pun, but
it did actually eat the crocodile." Those words again: pardon the pun, but
it did actually eat the crocodile.

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Back Door

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table, when we heard a key in
the front door.

She said, "It's my husband! quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that
every day.

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Re-Re-Re-Re-Storing
 Click here Click here Click here
The Last Corvette could take a little bit of Re-Re-Re-Re-Storing

The last of the "Great 8" Corvettes has been pulled from the depths of the
40 foot wide by 60 foot deep sinkhole, that collapsed within the Skydome
building of the National Corvette Museum exactly eight weeks ago, marking
the end of the first phase of rebuilding.

"We're happy to have the completion of our major goal to recover all eight
of the Corvettes," said Wendell Strode, Executive Director of the Museum.

The 2001 Mallett Hammer Z06 was one of two Corvettes that were initially
not visible in the sinkhole. The car was finally discover Monday, upside
down with the nose pointing toward the red Spire in the centre of the room.
It is, by far, the most heavily damaged of all eight Corvettes.

"It looks like the worst one... a lot of parts and pieces," said Mike
Murphy, CEO of Scott, Murphy and Daniel Construction.

The Mallett Hammer was donated to the Museum this past December by Kevin
and Linda Helmintoller of Land O' Lakes, Florida, Lifetime Members of the
Museum and previous R8C Museum Delivery participants. Upon hearing the car
had been located, Kevin travelled to Kentucky to witness the rescue
operation. "I expected bad, but it's 100 times worse," he said. "It looks
like a piece of tin foil... and it had a roll cage in it! It makes all the
other cars look like they're brand new."

Strode had forewarned Helmintoller that the car would be in bad shape and
he might not want to watch the recovery process. "Honestly though, I'm
still glad I'm here because I would have never believed it was this bad.
I'm not positive I would have recognized it - there are just a few little
pieces that give it away."

Helmintoller added that he sent pictures of the damaged car to his engine
builder, who (jokingly) was quick to point out that the motor was not
covered under warranty.

Kevin and Linda spent 13 years modifying the Corvette, a car they purchased
new in 2001. The Mallett Hammer conversion was completed in June 2002 and
since then has had many Antivenin LSX Performance modifications with the
car boasting 700hp with 575 torque at the flywheel. The car's speed
achievements helped it score a cover of GM High Tech Performance magazine.

A "Great 8" display will officially open next week in the Museum's Exhibit
Hall, and the sinkhole Corvettes will be available for viewing, as-is.

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Things You Don't See Everyday
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Things You Only See In Japan
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Funny how some photos turn out ...
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9 Month Old Baby Charged with Attempted Murder
 Click here

A nine-month-old baby accused of attempted murder, and bailed by a judge
last week, has been taken into hiding.

Muhammad "Musa" Khan's grandfather is saying that the family had made the
decision, because they no longer trust the legal system in Pakistan.

Musa has been accused of raiding a state-run gas company, and plotting to
murder police. It is believed that the baby has the same name, as a wanted
criminal.

Inspector Kashif Muhammad, who attended the alleged crime scene, and has
since been suspended, wrote in his report that it was a case of attempted
murder.

"Police are vindictive. Now they are trying to settle the issue on personal
grounds, that's why I sent my grandson to Faisalabad for protection" the
baby's grandfather, Muhammad Yasin, said, referring to a central Pakistani
city.

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HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS
 Click here

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.
Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint, any brand
will do!
Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
Spray 1/3 to 1/2 can on each mound and surrounding area, making sure you
get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
Once the Ants realize they live in a black neighbourhood, they quit working
and start killing each other.

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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