Friday humour - April 04, 2014

New roller coaster in Prague
Go before breakfast
 Click here

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Pepsi bus stop
Wow!
 Click here

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Comedian Alan King delivers his funny monologue about how men die younger
than women and offers up the phrase from obituaries "Survived By Wife" as
proof. Alan died in 2004 at the age of 76 and he was survived by his wife 
of 57 years, Jeanette. It appears he was correct after all as he was
"Survived By Wife".
 Click here

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A career military man, who had retired as a corporal,
was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of
service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General,
an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief.
I always told those guys exactly where to get off.
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked."
What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

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Best Commercial of the Year!
While Consumer Reports says these people make good cars; they also make VERY
good TV commercials...
 Click here

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From: Burnout
A New Phobia....
.....Oscarpistosis - the fear of going to the toilet at your boyfriend's
house!
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From: Duke of Barsinov

The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be 
tempered and controlled,
and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome will 
become bankrupt.
People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance."

Cicero , 55 BC

So, evidently we've learnt nothing over the past 2,067 years.

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From: KRP
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
D-Day Dodgers

Lady Astor who, during a World War II speech, first referred to the men of
the 8th Army who were fighting in the Italian campaign as the "D-Day 
Dodgers". Her implication was that they had it easy because they were 
avoiding the "real war" in France and the future invasion. The Allied 
soldiers in Italy were so incensed that Major Hamish Henderson of the 51st 
Highland Division composed a bitingly sarcastic song to the tune of the 
haunting German song "LiliMarlene" (popularised in English by Marlene 
Dietrich) called "The Ballad of the D-Day Dodgers". This song has also been
attributed to Lance-Sergeant Harry Pynn of the Tank Rescue Section, 19 Army 
Fire Brigade
 Click here

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From: Sack

A couple was spending their first night in their new home.
The wife went into the kitchen to prepare a couple of drinks,
but a few minutes later she came back out crying hysterically.
Her husband asked, "Darling what is the matter?"
"Oh darling, I put the ice cubes in the hot water to wash them and they 
disappeared."

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The Hunting Dog

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog 
out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't
any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."So he sends the dog out to the
pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to
go out. 
He only saw two ducks out there."Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's 
barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look
for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did
you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"Chester says,
"Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one
from him, too."So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the
one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home,
tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a
stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.Outraged, Earl takes the
dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my
money back!"The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him
that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its
mouth and started humping his leg.The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying
to tell you was that there are more f*cking ducks out there than you can
shake a stick at!"

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From: The Great Gussius
We can do anything, right?
 Click here

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From: Wally

The Marriage Dictionary

A new dictionary is soon to come out, defining some issues in marriage 
that people were curious about. Here are some of the definitions we
thought we'd offer to include in it:

Bachelor
1. A man who has been able to avoid the opportunity of making some 
woman miserable.
2. A man who is said to be foot-loose and fiancee-free.
3. A man who never made the same mistake once.
4. A bad boy who has cheated some poor girl out of her alimony.
5. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
6. The only man who has never told a wife a lie.

Bride
A girl with great prospects of happiness behind her.

Compromise
A nice little arrangement between husband and wife whereby they both 
fully agree to let her have her own way.

Diplomat
A man who is able to convince his wife that a fur coat would make her 
look fat.

Gentleman
A husband who holds the stepladder tightly so his wife doesn't fall 
while she's painting the ceiling.
A man who notices his wife dropping her knitting and immediately kicks 
it over to her so that she can pick it up.

Housework
What a wife without anyone noticing it until she doesn't do it.

Husband
A man who has decided to give up privileges he never knew he had.
A guy who controls the house and everyone in it, and is allowed by 
his wife to say so.

Joint Checking Account
A great little device which allows a wife to beat a husband to the 
draw.

Love
An obsessive delusion easily cured by a wedding.

Mother-in-Law
A woman who slowly destroys a man's peace of mind by telling him 
what's on hers.

Mrs.
A job title involving long duties, very light earnings and zero 
recognition.

Spouse
Someone who will protect you, help you and help you solve all the 
problems you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Wife
A partner who is always complaining that she doesn't have a thing to 
wear at the exact same time she complains about not having enough room
in the closet.

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From: Wally

Betty White Tribute to Morgan Freeman
They don't make 'em like this anymore.
If you don't do anything else today -- Watch This!
Betty White is 92 years old .
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Flt 370

Spare a thought for the guy who told his wife that he was
going on a business trip to China on that ill-fated Malaysian
flight MH 370 and now can't leave his girlfriend's flat!

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 Click here

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Pick a favorite!
 Click here
Wonderful pix of critters;
if this doesn't make your day cheerful, nothing will.

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From: Burnout
Glad I wasn't holding that!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Parrot Illusion---this is amazing !!
 Click here
This parrot is in fact a female model who posed for 'world bodypainting 
champion' Johannes St=C3=B6tter. He spent weeks planning the transformation which took four hours to paint. The model's arm forms the parrot's
head and beak, and her legs form the wing and tail feathers.

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From: The Great Gussius
 Click here Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
 So true
 Click here

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From: Wally
Old American Coal Mines
 Click here

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From: Wally
World's Fastest Car
 Click here

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From: Wally
2 X Video Links & 4 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Jerusalem
 Click here

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African Wildlife
 Click here

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From: Wally
Motivational Posters (X)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
BBC BooBoo
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
The BBC just mistook a BOAT for a PLANE!
You know what? FAIR ENOUGH.
That is actually quite an easy mistake to make.

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From: Wally
Mahamutsa Rooi's Story
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
One of the disadvantages of driving a car, is that if you do not take proper 
precautions, your life can end at any moment. This is the case of
soccer star Mahamutsa Rooi, who crashed his BMW 335i, in South Africa.
Despite the horrific accident, and the extent of damage, incredibly Rooi walked
away completely unscathed from the accident, despite being arrested, and
charged with drunken driving. Surely he now must see life a lot more
differently, after being only 4cm from instant death.

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From: Wally
Only in South Carolina
 Click here Click here Click here

A man in Spartanburg, South Carolina, was arrested after losing his temper, and 
assaulting his girlfriend with an anger management workbook, of all things.
Tyler Ford, 23, was charged with criminal domestic violence, after fighting 
at the apartment of his girlfriend, Sheelah Thompson, 22, cops said.
According to a deputy's report, the attack started after Ford asked 
Thompson, why she seemed to deliberately make him angry, even though she 
knew he was in anger management class.
When she responded only with a shrug, Ford allegedly hit her with his anger 
management book, in the face.
Thompson told deputies that Ford strangled her, and threatened to kill her 
several times. She also claimed, that he put her phone in the oven, so
that she could not call 911, and he hit their infant daughter twice on the
legs, because she was crying.
Thompson fought back by attacking Ford with a knife. Arresting officers 
noticed Ford had a deep cut on one of his arms.
A background check revealed that Ford had a previous criminal domestic 
violence conviction. He was charged with criminal domestic violence, second 
offense.
For slashing Ford with the knife, Thompson was charged with criminal 
domestic violence, of a high and aggravated nature.

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From: Wally

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Pig Island
 Click here

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Find the Animals
 Click here

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Jaguar C-X75
 Click here

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Russia's Worst Driver
 Click here

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From: Wally
Superman Arrested
 Click here

Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. This isn't him.

A man named Christopher Reeves, not to be confused with Christopher Reeve, the late actor known for his portrayal of Superman, was arrested in
Utah, after driving his truck under the influence.

Davis County sheriff's deputies pulled over Reeves, who was wearing a 
Superman T-shirt at the time of his arrest, after they caught him speeding.

Deputies searched Reeves' truck, after he failed a field sobriety test, and found synthetic marijuana, drug paraphernalia, and "a baseball-sized
bag of meth," Sgt. Susan Poulsen said.

The bag of meth weighed 52 grams. Reeves admitted to ingesting two Lortab pills, about two hours before he was stopped, according to police.

Reeves was transported to the Davis County Jail, where he was booked on 
charges, including possession with intent to distribute, as well as several traffic offenses.

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From: Wally
The Toll of Drug Abuse
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

 The Toll of Drug Abuse

Drug abuse is one of the biggest problems facing society today. Drug abuse can, in a matter of years, not only destroy someone's whole life, but
also their appearance, health, mental stability and intelligence. It seeps
into every corner of life and demolishes it. If you need to scare someone
off this terrible road, these rap sheets of drug abusers are a great way
to do it, as they show the horrifying results in a very clear way, taking
normal looking people and marking them forever as drug addicts.

These people have sunk lower and lower in their drug abuse and criminal 
activities. Some of the photos are hard to look at, the damage is so clear.

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From: Wally
34 X Photos from Above
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From: Wally
Weird Animals
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

 Weird Animals

You may find this hard to believe, but each and every one of these animals 
is real, showing us once again, that nature truly has one wild imagination.

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From: Wally
North Korea build Rocket with Bits & Pieces
 Click here

Components originating from the United States, United Kingdom, and South 
Korea, were used to build North Korea's Uhna-3 rocket system, the UN Panel 
of Experts concluded in their 127-page report just released. The
panel also found that the rocket contained off-the-shelf parts from Switzerland,
China, and cannibalized SCUD parts from the former USSR. The parts did
not contravene UN sanctions, though the UN Panel noted, that their use
in the missile's manufacture, shows the ability of the Democratic
People's 
Republic of Korea, to assemble complex systems, with globally sourced 
components.

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From: Wally
Carte Noire
 Click here Click here Click here

Rose - Click here

Rouge - Click here

Vert - Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Thanks, Pal
 Click here
Participating in a gun buy back program because you think that criminals 
have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you think your
neighbors have too many kids.

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From: Whizzbang
ABOUT RIGHT OR SPOT ON?
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
CAMPING
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
The Trough Is Deep - And The Snouts Are Many !!
 Click here

Why should we keep paying for these parasites on the public purse well after
they have lost office ? Only pollies could rort a system this well.
Salary of retired PRIME MINISTER etc...
The trough is deep and the snouts are many. Viva la revolution !!!!!
Prime Ministers are currently 7 - Frazer, Whitlam, Hawke, Keeting, Howard, 
Gillard and Rudd and they also get expenses such as airfares, an office, car etc

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From: Whizzbang
As long as you plan for it, you can transport it!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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