Friday humour - March 21, 2014

[ from Steve @ Bluehaze ]

Here's hoping they have found some of MH370, for the sake of the families.
But it is important to remember that we could have been at this point 
7 days ago if it wasn't for military incompetence.

What follows is courtesy of Digi Maria, Nottingham Smithie, Sack,
Seasoldier, The Great Gussius, Wally, Whizzbang, et. al. Enjoy!

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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!" "I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty
mind. Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three, one day you are going
to be very, very disappointed."

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For those of you who've always been intrigued by wood chippers, stump
grinders, rock wheels, paper shredders, and other machines of
destruction...
We bring you the Car Grinder:
 Click here

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Uplifting Video
 Click here
I don't care much about ping pong, but I am interested in robotics and I
am happy to see the man holding his own.

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Pope's sense of humour (on Valentine's day)
 Click here

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Why Go to Church?

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was
time to get ready for church, to which he replied, I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1) they don't like me, and (2)
I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to
church:

(1) You're 59 years old, and
(2) you're the pastor!"

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The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July
picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know
what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's
prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down
and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your
wedding."

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The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher
greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really
boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

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Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their
religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Benjamin and I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary.
I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy.
I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

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The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is
lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he
interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside
down from a telephone pole."

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The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill
arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.

As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a
conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las
Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances
on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your
lifetime?"

The one-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the
Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

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Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they
were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what
they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good
as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

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ACTUAL EXAMPLES FROM BRITISH MILITARY OFFICERS' REPORTS:

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of it's idiot.

4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly,
leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely
won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was
previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy
and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since
then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port
to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning
around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to
dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250
feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one
legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ tests.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense, light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.

46. The only contribution this officer makes to the army is his
superannuation payments.

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When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
 - Norm Crosby.

Just the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all
who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at
Fulton, and they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at
Bozo the Clown.
 - Carl Sagan.

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the
pessimists.
 - Jean Rostand.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I
have six children and no theories.
 - John Wilmot.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us
left.
 - Oscar Levant.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
 - Oscar Wilde.

I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlours], and have been
told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman
getting ready to arrest them.
 - New York City detective.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
 - Lily Tomlin.

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce
the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know
that is not true.
 - Robert Wilensky.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid
people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
 - Scott Adams.

If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the
lessons that history teaches us.
 - Anon.

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone
else's can shorten it.
 - Cullen Hightower.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace' in twenty
minutes. It involves Russia.
 - Woody Allen.

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An Obituary apparently printed in the London Times.....Absolutely
Brilliant!! Hopefully you have not already read it.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with s*xual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights - I Want It Now - Someone Else Is To Blame - I'm A
Victim - Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

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Going down?
For just 175,000 a night ($292,000) you and your lover can join the Mile
Low Club.
 Click here

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Saturn - Cassini's next 4 years
 Click here

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The peanut

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle
of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

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Amazing Flower Display from Holland
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New South African Toilet Door Lock indicator
 Click here

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Tit for tat!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks
a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed
the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any
milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat
halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother , and says, "You gonna tell him or
should I?"

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Driving and Shaving your HOOHAH ... (a blond moment)
 Click here
Driving and Shaving your HOOHAH?
Megan Mariah Barnes, Florida's first bikini shaving related traffic
offender of the year.
What an idiot. You all know how we feel about people who text and drive,
this one takes the cake!

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Three Hillbillies are sittin on a porch shootin' the breeze....

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air
conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one
of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Cause we ain't got no plummin!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker

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Mason Calamari's Story
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
9th March 2014 - Mason Calamari, 34, from Miami, Florida, decided he would
have a day out at the golf, at Trump National Doral, for the WGC-Cadillac
Championship. Little realizing that it would turn out to be a day, he would
remember for the rest of his life. Tiger Woods' 2nd shot on the 8th hole,
hit him in the head. An upset Woods said that it was the first time in his
18 years of professional golf, that his ball has injured anyone. After
making sure that Calamari received first aid, Woods arranged to have a
brand new set of autographed clubs, delivered to Calamari's home.

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North Korea Elections

The Republic of North Korea held their General Elections yesterday.
With 85% of the vote counted, the current leader President Kim Jong-un, who
is the only person standing for leader, has already amassed 103% of the
vote. It is expected that next week, when the postal, and absentee votes
are counted, Kim Jong-un could get around 120% of the vote.

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Dear Diary ...
Cat -
 Click here
Dog -
 Click here

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Best Ad Ever! (found in the Melbourne Herald Sun)

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a good girl from a good home, but still very playful. I love long walks
on the beach or in the woods, riding in your Ute, hunting, camping and
fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candle lit dinners
will have me eating out of your hand. I promise to always be at the front
door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call
(0140341807) and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...."
 Click here
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to RSPCA about helping dogs in
need! Men are so easy!

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Moving...
 Click here

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Ad in Vietnamese Newspaper!
 Click here

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Brilliant in its simplicity ...

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. In three generations, there will be no Greens.

 - I love it when a plan comes together so simply.

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Growing Old.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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It comes with age :)
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

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[ End friday humour ]

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