Friday humour - March 14, 2014

Gussius @ Bluehaze

You just have to laugh. After all, that's why people read our contributors
stuff.

Allegations that Russia has invaded the Crimean peninsula made world
headlines. The US jumped up and down as did the United Nations and I really
can't understand why.

The Russians did exactly the same thing 160 years ago and got a jolly good
thrashing by the
Poms and the Frogs. The result was that the Ruskies have hardly bothered us
since then.

The original Crimean war led directly to the invention of Florence
Nightingale's legend, the acceleration of the demise of the Ottoman empire
and ottomans becoming widely known as poofs in popular culture.

Contributions this week came from Burnout, Digi Maria, Duke of Barsinov,
Nottingham Smithie,
Wally, Whizzbang, Anonymous3, Seasoldier, Wally and the ever faithful
anonymous. None from the NSA who we know are still watching.

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For those connoisseurs of the English language:

His Lordship was in the study at Downtown Abbey when Carson, the butler
approached and coughed discreetly.
  "May I ask you a question, my lord?"
  "Go ahead, Carson," said his lordship.
  "I am doing crossword in 'The Times' and I have found a word about which
I am not too clear."
  "What word is that?" asked his lordship.
  "The word is 'aplomb', my lord."
  "That is a difficult word to explain.  I would say it means
'self-assurance' or 'complete composure'."
  "Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."
  "Then, let me give you an example to make it clearer.  Do you remember a
few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend
with us?"
  "Of course, my lord, I remember the occasion very well.  It gave the
staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
  "Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember that William
plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
  "I was indeed present on that occasion, my lord."
  "And while plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself very deeply in his
thumb?"
  "Yes," replied Carson.  "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the
Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty
handkerchief."
  "And that evening, the pr*ck on his thumb was so sore that Kate had to
cut up his venison, even though being from our own estate it was extremely
tender."
  "Yes, my lord, I saw and heard what transpired."
  "Then the next morning, while you were pouring coffee for Her
Ladyship, Kate enquired of William in a loud voice, 'Darling is your pr*ck
still throbbing this morning?'"
  "And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!  That was aplomb!"

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Dining alone:

Le dîner de Mariele - Chien drôle mange à table

This is hysterical; over the edge for all you animal lovers.
 Click here

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Flying scale model of an A380 - worth a look:

Dear Aviation Friends  this is quite exceptional you have to admire the
skills required to produce this superb flying model - I guess there must be
just the same apprehension as the real thing on it's maiden flight - (
after the many hours of work and dedication )  on take-off and landing -
and how about that text-book landing ?       
 Click here

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An Irish Mother in Law's Explanation:

Makes perfect sense...

GREAT EXPLANATION, JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER JUMP
TO CONCLUSIONS

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law
Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife
telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and
guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean,
naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of
our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is
something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and
find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. 
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got
your
E-mail!"
 
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Murmuration:

This is absolutely stunning!
 Click here

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For married guys:

      Reasons for Sensitivity Training for Husbands:

      I was devastated to find out my wife was having an
      affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to
      come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to
      Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

      The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis
      enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

      Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals
      started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me,
      just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely
      spoiled our 10th anniversary.

      The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife
      is having s*x with me because she can't afford batteries.

      A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The
      operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The
      s*x is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

      I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die
      you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different
      creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow
      I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

      My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for
the worst. So, I had to go down to the Salvos to get all of her clothes
back.

       The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could
contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . My wife said we'd love to, but
our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

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Towel Dance..:
 Click here

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Tim Horton's Coffee Shop- Priceless!:

Watch the men's faces change while having a Tim Horton's coffee.......
 Click here

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Power Outage:

                We had an outage at my place this morning and my PC,
laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut
down.

                 Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to
top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

                 I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I
remembered that this also needs power, so I sat down and talked with my
wife for a few hours.

                She seems like a nice person.

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Beautiful Rarely Seen Flowers:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Some ideas for your garden!

 Flowers, not apes.
 This one proves Darwin's Theory

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The girl who grew up in the wild:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The pictures are just gorgeous.... Riding a five-ton elephant, whom she
called my brother, chilling with a cheetah or hugging a giant bullfrog as
if it were a Teddy bear.
The childhood of a French girl Tippi Degre sounds more like a newer version
of Mowgli, rather than something real. A white child, she was born in
Namibia to French wildlife photographer parents, and grew up in Africa .
Tippi spent her whole childhood playing with wild animals including lion
cubs, a mongoose, a snake, a cheetah, baby zebra, giraffes and crocodiles.
The little girl saw nothing unusual about her company: I don't have friends
here. Because I never see children .So the animals are my friends, she once
said.
Tippi is now 23 years old, and the only child to wildlife photographer
parents Sylvie Robert and Alain Degre, who published her photos in a book
called
Tippi of Africa. It was magical to be able to be free in this nature with
this child. She was a very lucky little girl she was born and raised until
the age of 10 totally in the wild." said Sylvie.

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Mount Etna erupting:
 Click here

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Unlikely friendships: more human than some humans:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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After spending a lot of time alone in the same room of the owner's house,
they grew fond of each other.
The crow is almost always on the dog's back, the dog even barks when people
try to touch his pal.
The owner built a custom harness for more comfortable rides.

A black swan feeding fish at a public park.

After a devastating forest fire, fire rescue ran out of crates for the
animals saved from the blazes. This fawn & baby bobcat were placed together
in the office. Hours later,
firemen noticed they'd taken a liking to one another and cuddled for the
duration they were kept together.

A duck & house cat raised together. Supposedly the duck hates water &
hasn't figured out yet that it can fly.

A wild life park in China adopted two tiger cubs,
which were soon adopted by a worker's dog that happened to be in the pen
frequently.

The Fernandez family adopted a tiger cub after he lost his family.
He's been raised with the family dog since youth & they are inseparable.

A five week old boar plays with Candy, the jack
Russell terrier in Ehringhausen , Germany .

Humphrey was a house pet that became too large and was moved to the Rhino
and Lion Nature Reserve in
South Africa, where he was safe but lonely. Cameroon
Pygmy Mountain Goat climbed Humphrey's enclosure fence & befriended him.

Sobe the iguana & Johann the cat were both rescued by a woman in Brooklyn ,
NY . Every day when the iguana is let out of her cage, she seeks out Johann
for play time, along with a rabbit also kept as a pet.

Everyone knows who Koko the gorilla that speaks sign language is. For her
birthday one year, she signed to her teacher that she wanted a kitten.
Koko's teacher wasn't surprised, as Koko's two favorite books were about
cats. They adopted one from an abandoned litter & Koko showed it tender
care & gentleness.

A lioness abandoned by her pack decides to adopted a baby impala after
killing its mother. Several times,
she tried to leave the baby in the company of other impalas, but ended up
having to take the baby back under her wing after the adult impalas were
frightened away by her.

A lion, tiger & bear raised together in the same enclosure at Noah's Ark
Sanctuary in GA play ball, cuddle & chase each other.

A giraffe & ostrich form an odd friendship at Busch Garden 's in Florida .

Owls that hatched at a hawk conservatory were adopted by the park keeper &
became friends with his pet dog.

After a family took in this stray cat,
she grew fond of their elderly dog.
Realizing the dog was blind, the cat took on the responsibility of leading
the dog to his water, food,
shade, & toys. She would follow closely under his chin to guide him.

A stray cat wandered into this Asiatic bear's enclosure at the Berlin Zoo.
It's been coming back frequently for 10 years to visit its friend.

This pair have been seen together for over a year in Lake Van , Turkey .
They were first spotted by local fisherman who witnessed them sharing a
fish and playing together.

At the TIGERS institute in South Carolina ,
a chimp raises tiger cubs after they were separated from their mother.

A photographer witnessed a wild polar bear coming upon tethered sled dogs
in the wilderness of Canada 's Hudson Bay . Instead of devouring the dogs
they played & cuddled. The polar bear returned every night that week.

Other examples of strange and improbable animal friendships

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CANADIAN THERMOMETER: [XXX]
 Click here

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Holiday time:

 Every  year Susan goes on holiday with her flat mate. That  must be Susan
on the  right!
 Click here

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LOVE THE CANADIAN SENSE OF HUMOUR:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Honey, Bring Me Some More F'ing Beer:
 Click here

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 Mobile Phone humour:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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JOBS in Africa:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

 I'm the puller, but if you're interested, the position of "hole guy" is
open

 First, we wrap the "hole guy's" arm in a skin for protection

 Then we find a big hole and the "hole guy" crawls in.

 We use modern lighting

 There it is. Those must be eggs.

 I let it take my protected arm, sort of like noodling for fish.

 Then my buddy pulls me out with the snake attached.

 Ain't it a beauty?

 It will feed the whole village for a while.

 Snake Noodling - - - - - What real men do!
 Maybe standing in line at the grocery store isn't as bad as it seems.

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Do you wish to know the endings of fairy tales?:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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          Do  you wish to know the endings of fairy tales ?
          Cinderella is divorced
          Snow-white has not been so lucky
          Little-Red-Riding-Hood hasn't seen the Wolf since
          Sleeping Beauty is still asleep
          The Little Mermaid has met a sad fate
          Barbie celebrated her 50th Birthday, this year
          Little Tweety is 60 years old
          So is Superman
          Wonder Woman is menopausal
          As for Batman and Robin they're living it up at the Nursing Home
          And Spider-Man is attached to different threads

          Life is short. So Smile !

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Creative Calendar from a Retirement Home:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Who says old people can't have fun!!!  I'll bet this revitalized the entire
population of that retirement center!  What a joy!

A Creative Calendar from a Retirement Home.  What a fantastic idea.  I bet
they had a ball.

A German Retirement Community Did A Calendar Where Seniors Amazingly
Recreated Famous
Movie Scenes The Contilia Retirement Group in Essen, Germany made what is
probably the best calendar ever with a few of their seniors.

According to German press, 5000 calendars were printed.And they were given
out to residents of the senior center, along with relatives and staff.

The calendar models were interviewed about the project and said it was a
ton of fun to dress up as their favorite actors.

The shoot was done with professional stylists and photographers to make
sure everything looked as cool as possible.

The oldest senior involved with the calendar was 98 years old!

  JANUARY

  James Bond
  Wilhelm Buiting, 89

  FEBRUARY

  Breakfast at Tiffany’s
  Marianne Brunsbach, 86

  MARCH

  Titanic
  Erna Rütt, 86, und Alfred Kelbch, 81

  APRIL

  Rocky
  Erwin J. von der Heiden, 80

  MAY

  Mary Poppins
  Erna Schenk, 78

  JUNE

  The Seven Year Itch
  Ingeborg Giolbass, 84, und Erich Endlein, 88

  JULY

  Blues Brothers
  Margarete Schmidt (r.), 77, und Lothar Wischnewski 76

  AUGUST

  Cabaret
  Martha Bajohr, 77

  SEPTEMBER

  Giant
  Joanna Trachenberg, 81, und Horst Krischat, 78

  OCTOBER

  Sat*rday Night Fever
  Irmgard Alt, 79, und Siegfried Gallasch, 87

  NOVEMBER

  Dirty Dancing
  Johann Liedtke,92 und Marianne Pape, 79

  DECEMBER

  Easy Rider
  Walter Loeser, 98 und Kurt Neuhaus, 90

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Sad, sad story:
 Click here

    We grow up with such great hopes and dreams.
    We face life's challenges everyday and
    We try to look everyone right in the eye.
    To instil our sincerity in those we meet and
    converse with eye contact.
    And in return we expect the same courtesy
    These are the reasons why this is such a sad story!
    Because this poor thing.........

    SHE WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE EYE CONTACT.
    NEVER EVER !!!  SO SAD !!!

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Apparently...:
 Click here

      I'm not sure who this woman is.
      But apparently she knows you.

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Cartoons and funnies:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Australian Government policy leak (Confidential):
 Click here

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Grow up:
 Click here Click here Click here

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4 Riddles:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

4 Riddles (Answers below)

Answers:

1. The last person took the basket with the egg in it.

2. All the other card players were women.

3. Pour the juice from the second glass into the fifth.

4. The recluse lived in a lighthouse.

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Only in Florida:

MULBERRY, Florida:  A plane became entangled in the strings of a skydiver's
parachute,
sending both crashing into the ground near Tampa, Florida, with both the
pilot and jumper,
hospitalized with minor injuries.

Polk County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman Carrie Eleazer says 87-year-old
pilot Shannon
Trembley was doing take-off and landing practise, in his Cessna at the
South Lakeland Airport in
Mulberry.

On his third landing pass, the wing of his plane became entangled in the
strings of 49-year-old
Gainesville skydiver John Frost's parachute, about 75 feet above the
ground.

Frost was flung to the ground, and Trembley's plane nose-dived to the
surface as well.

Eleazer says neither sustained serious injury, but went to the hospital.
Frost was treated and released. Trembley was held for observation.

The National Transportation Safety Board and FAA are investigating.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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MasterCard Moments: [XXX]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Video Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Dancing the World
 Click here

Samsung Washing Machine
 Click here

Purple Hulls
 Click here

Golf Team Trick Shot
 Click here

Hornets Kill 41 people in China
 Click here

The Beauty of Flowers
 Click here

Ultimate Balancing Act
 Click here

Animals with a 2nd Chance
 Click here

3yo Emily James
 Click here

The Conductor (No translation needed)
 Click here

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Building a Blonde:
 Click here

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High & Low Tide:
 Click here Click here

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GPS left on dashboard in the sun:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Presume this is why you are advised NOT to use a cell phone whilst it is
charging!

Looks like a good lesson to learn. I would bet this also applies to
Cell phones, tablets, digital cameras, and other devices that use lithium
batteries.
You think this may be a reason why the US Postal Service will not ship
electronic devices that contain lithium batteries any longer?

GPS was placed in its bracket in the windshield and left in the sun.
The battery overheated and exploded!

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Best He*d Job Ever: [XXX]
 Click here

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Underground in Australia:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Situation tense...:
 Click here

Nothing to worry about
DUE TO THE INCREASED  TENSION WITH AUSTRALIA, INDONESIA HAS NOW BEEN
FORCED TO CALL UP ITS RESERVISTS.

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IRISH FUNERAL:

 Paddy died. His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

 As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her
oldest and dearest friend.
 "Ah well, Paddy would be pleased," she said.

 "You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
 "So go on, how much did this really cost?'"  "All of it," said Colleen.
"Forty thousand."

 "Aw No!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"

 Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The
whisky, wine and snacks were another £500.
 The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

 Mary computed quickly.

 "For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone?

How big is it?"
 Click here

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Hawaii -amikor_kit?r_a_vulk?n...:
 Click here

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Never Give an Old Guy a Convertible:
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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