Friday humour - February 28, 2014

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Spring fever

What is Spring fever?

Ah, sunshine. Longer days. Shifting hormones may underlie the giddiness
that bubbles up as winter fades.

In winter, the body secretes high levels of melatonin, a hormone that
governs sleep-wake cycles. Come spring, the increasing amount of daylight
is registered by light-sensitive tissue in the eye, which signals the brain
to stop secreting so much melatonin. As the hormone's levels drop off,
greater wakefulness results.
On the other hand, levels of another chemical, serotonin, rise in spring.
This mood-elevating neurotransmitter may be at the root of the giddiness,
energy boost and enthusiasm that characterize spring fever.
Anthropologists have suggested that spring fever may have developed over
the course of human evolution. They point out that early humans often spent
winter in a state of near-hibernation. Then, when spring arrived, they
would enter an active period of intense hunting, gathering and procreating.
Attractive though that theory may be, it doesn't quite explain the state of
the early American colonists come spring. Historians think the colonists
coined the term spring fever to refer to the weakness, fatigue and
irritability many felt after a long winter without fresh fruits or
vegetables. (Technically, the colonists' symptoms were that of scurvy.)
Such etymology suggests that the term spring fever is a remnant of times
past that's been co-opted to mean something different today.
But there's no doubt that the body's internal chemistry and susceptibility
to illness changes with the seasons. Just as scurvy outbreaks once peaked
in spring, so did measles and rubella before wide-scale vaccinations became
available. Attacks of the painful joint inflammation known as gout peak in
April.
Dermatologists notice more cases of dermatitis and rosacea, and allergists,
not surprisingly, field surges of complaints about hay fever in spring.
Spring also is marked by higher rates of suicide, a trend psychologists
have struggled to explain.
On the plus side, spring is also the season in which people bid a temporary
farewell to flu, seasonal affective disorder and heart attacks, all of
which peak in winter.
In fact, many of spring's effects on the human mind and body are seemingly
contradictory. Hormones do a partial job of explaining the seasonal
epidemic of impulsive, giddy and amorous behaviors observed as the memory
of winter fades, but much about the season's influences remains mysterious.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Thought I Had Seen Everything.

I Thought I Had Seen Everything. Then I Went Back To The 1930s And Saw
This.
Every product that we use day-to-day had to come from somewhere. Even as
something as simple as a telephone had countless versions that were created
and tested.

You might not realize, though, that there were other inventions throughout
history that didn't quite make the cut like the telephone did.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Biggus
Subject: Joke

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,
more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no
longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology
with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:  "Damn autocorrect.   I meant
'wifi', not 'wife'."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: The Movie Test

        This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of
        the Lost Ark".

        I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the
        movie list till you have done the math!

        Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This
        amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would
        enjoy the most.

        Don't ask me how, but it really works!

        Movie Test:

        Pick a number from 1-9.

        Multiply by 3.

        Add 3.

        Multiply by 3 again.

        Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite
        movie in the list of 18 movies below.

        Movie List:

        1. Gone With The Wind
        2. E.T.
        3. Beverly Hills Cop
        4. Star Wars
        5. Forrest Gump
        6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
        7. Jaws
        8. Grease
        9. The Joy of Anal S*x With A Sheep
        10. Casablanca
        11. Jurassic Park
        12. Shrek
        13. Pirates of the Caribbean
        14. Titanic
        15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
        16. Home Alone
        17. Mrs. Doubtfire
        18. Toy Story

        Now, ain't that something.....?

Subject: Building Permit

Some have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement.  Well, I applied
for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and
400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over
the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to
entertain the whole neighbourhood. It would have parking for 200 cars, and
I was going to paint it bog green with pink trim.

The Council told me; "Forget  it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called  it a 'Mosque'.
Work starts on Monday.

I love this country. It's the government that scares the cr*p out of me.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Maria
Subject:  Train in snow - Arthurs Pass New Zealand

Great footage.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: A small complaint

On Wednesday, 12 February 2014, 0:29, Warwick Bull 
wrote:

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing  at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to make
a s*xual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's
s*xually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."

Bless the Australians and their sense of humor.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense
of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them
die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've
                                          been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave
                                          die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big
                                          triangle shaped continent
                                          south of Europe.
Aust-ra-lia is that big island
                                          in the middle of the Pacific
                                          which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo
                                          racing is every Tuesday night
                                          in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn
                                          180 degrees. Contact us when
                                          you get here and we'll send
                                          the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery in to Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers
                                          like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint
                                          little country bordering
                                          Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the
                                          Vienna Boys Choir plays every
                                          Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
                                          straight after the hippo
                                          races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British
                                          politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful
                                          civilization of vegan
                                          hunter/gatherers. Milk is
                                          illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in
                                          A-mer-ica, which is where YOU
                                          come from. All Australian
                                          snakes are perfectly harmless,
                                          can be safely handled, and
                                          make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear.
                                          They are so called because
                                          they drop out of gum trees and
                                          eat the brains of anyone
                                          walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go
out walking __________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( )
A: Anywhere significant
                                          numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to
                                          learn it first.

-

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Funny

7-year  old in Courtroom Drama! - (Location not stated)

Federal Court  Ruling from the Courier Mail, Australia
A seven  year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama in Australia
yesterday (8th January 2014) when he challenged a  court ruling over who
should have custody of  him.
The boy  has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially  awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody
law and  regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree  possible.
The boy  surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
 than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the 
judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out  that
they also beat him.
After  considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that 
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge  took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should  have
custody of him.
After  two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare
 officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Test 
Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating 
anyone.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: only the brits would do this
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:Scouse F1?

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British Government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent doc*mentary on how
unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less
than four seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew
could only do it in six seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech
equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team
as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage
over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for;
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able
to change all four wheels in under six seconds but, within twelve seconds,
they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for
eight cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's
bird in the shower.

Subject: The Preacher's Son..

 A  preacher......had a teenage  son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some  thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he  wanted to
do, and he didn't seem too concerned about  it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four  objects...

      1. A  Bible.....?

      2.  A silver dollar.....?

      3. A bottle of  whiskey.....?

      4.  And a Playboy magazine.....?

      'I'll  just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to  himself.

      When he comes home from school today, I'll  see which object he picks
up.

      If it's the  Bible,

      he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a  blessing that would
be!

      If  he picks up the dollar,

      he's going to be a business  man, and that would be okay, too.

      But if he  picks up the bottle,

      he's going to be a no-good  drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that
would  be.

      And worst of all if he picks up that  magazine

      he's going to be a skirt-chasing  womanizer.'

      The old man waited anxiously,

      and  soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the  house
whistling and headed for his room.

      The  boy tossed his books on the bed,

      and as he turned to  leave the room he spotted the objects on the 
table.

      With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

      Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

      He picked up the silver  dollar and dropped into his pocket.

      He uncorked the  bottle and  took a big drink,

      while he admired this  month's centerfold.

      'Lord have mercy,' the old  preacher disgustedly  whispered.

       He's going to run for parliament !!

Subject: Australia

     Hear, Hear!!! Isn't it lovely to hear an American giving our country
the thumbs up
     Below is a lovely list of Australia's attributes from a visiting
     American, Professor David Mason
     David Mason is a US writer and professor, and poet laureate of
Colorado, America

     Australia
     'Value what you have and don't give it away.'

     There's a lot to admire about Australia, especially if you're a
visiting American, says David Mason.

     More often than you might expect, Australian friends - patiently
     listening to me enthuse about their country -have said, ''We need
     outsiders like you to remind us what we have.''

     So here it is - a small presumptuous list of what one foreigner
admires in Oz.

      1. Health care.

     I know the controversies, but basic national health care is a gift.
     In America, medical expenses are a leading cause of bankruptcy.
     The drug companies dominate politics and advertising.

     Obama is being crucified for taking halting baby steps towards sanity.
     You can't turn on the telly without hours of drug advertisements -
     something I have never yet seen here.

     And your emphasis on prevention - making cigarettes less accessible,
     for one - is a model.

     2. Food.

     Yes, we have great food in America too, especially in the big cities.
     But your bread is less sweet, your lamb is cheaper.
     and your supermarket vegetables and fruits are fresher than ours.
     Too often in my country an apple is a ball of pulp as big as your
face.
     The dainty Pink Lady apples of Oz are the juiciest I've had.
     Your cheese variety, a heaven that does not exist in America
     And don't get me started on coffee.

     In American small towns it tastes like water flavoured with burnt
      dirt, but the smallest shop in the smallest town in Oz can make a
     first-rate latte.

     I love your ubiquitous bakeries, your hot-cross buns. Shall I go on?

     3. Language.

     How do you do it?
     The rhyming slang and Aboriginal place names like magic spells.
     Words that seem vaguely English yet also resemble an argot from
     another planet.

     I love the way institutional names get turned into diminutives -
     Vinnie's and Salvos - and absolutely nothing's sacred.

     Everything's an opportunity for word games and everyone's a nickname.
     Lingo makes the world go round.

     It's the spontaneous wit of the people that tickles me most.

     Late one night at a barbie my new mate Suds remarked, ''Nothing's the
     same since 24-7.'' Amen.

     4. Free-to-air TV.

     In Oz, you buy a TV, plug it in and watch some of the best programming
     I've ever seen - uncensored.

     In America, you can't get diddly-squat without paying a cable or
      satellite company heavy fees.

     In Oz a few channels make it hard to choose.

     In America, you've got 400 channels and nothing to watch.

     5. Small shops.

     Outside the big cities in America corporations have nearly erased
them.
     Identical malls with identical restaurants serving inferior food.
     Except for geography, it's hard to tell one American town from
another.
     The ''take-away'' culture here is wonderful.
     Human encounters are real - stirring happens, stories get told.
     The curries are to die for. And you don't have to tip!

     6. Free camping.

     We used to have this too, and I guess it's still free when you
     backpack miles away from the roads.

     But I love the fact that in Oz everyone owns the shore and in many
     places you can pull up a camper van and stare at the sea for weeks.

     I love the ''primitive'' and independent campgrounds, the life out of
     doors.

     The few idiots who leave their stubbies and rubbish behind in these
     pristine places ought to be transported in chains.

     7. Religion.

     In America, it's everywhere - especially where it's not supposed to
     be, like politics.

     I imagine you have your Pharisees too, making a big public show of
     devotion, but I have yet to meet one here.

     8. Roads.

     Peak hour aside, I've found travel on your roads pure heaven.
     My country's ''freeways'' are crowded, crumbling, insanely knotted
     with looping overpasses - it's like racing homicidal maniacs on
     fraying spaghetti.

     I've taken the Hume without stress, and I love the Princes Highway
     when it's two lanes.

     Ninety minutes south of Batemans Bay I was sorry to see one billboard
     for a McDonald's.

     It's blocking a lovely paddock view. Someone should remove it.

     9. Real multiculturalism.

     I know there are tensions, just like anywhere else, but I love the
     distinctiveness of your communities and the way you publicly
     acknowledge the Aboriginal past.

     Recently, too, I spent quality time with Melbourne Greeks, and was
     gratified both by their devotion to their own great language and
     culture and their openness to an Afghan lunch.

     10. Fewer guns.

     You had Port Arthur in 1996 and got real in response.
     America replicates such massacres several times a year and nothing
     changes.

     Why?
     Our religion of individual rights makes the good of the community an
     impossible dream.

     Instead of mateship we have ''It's mine and nobody else's''.
     We talk a great game about freedom, but too often live in fear.

     There's more to say - your kaleidoscopic birds, your perfumed bush in
     springtime, your vast beaches.

     These are just a few blessings that make Australia a rarity.

     Of course, it's not paradise - nowhere is - but I love it here.
     No need to wave flags like Americans and add to the world's windiness.

     Just value what you have, pray for it, work hard for it and don't give
     it away.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Sack
Subject: Comparative Religions

Comparative Religions> > A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were
in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: "We have a large fortune.... we are going to buy Citibank!"
Protestant: "We are very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"
Muslim: "We are fabulously rich ..... we intend to purchase Microsoft!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak....
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the saucer, takes a
sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says "We are not selling!    
                                         =

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: This one I liked

  Paddy and Mick were
  walking along a street in London ....

  Paddy looked in one of the shop
  windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

  The sign read, "Suits
  £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair"....

  Paddy said
  to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those
  and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go
  in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear
  our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to
  screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."

  "Roight y'are Paddy,
  I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.

  They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll
  take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of
  trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so
  I will."
  The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland ,
  aren't you?"

  "Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

  The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: A lesson in cell phone courtesy.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his
eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him
pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long
meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the
boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into
the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: Morale

To:

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're
crazy to go to Rome ..So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."
"Don't go any further.. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped
us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really!  What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the f *ck did your hair?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: New Son-in-law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I
love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To
show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my
business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the
operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office
and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck
behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a
moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a
office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Idiot Sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's check-out to pay our bill and I
gave the clerk a £5 note.

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we
do not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

IDIOT SIGHTING No2

We had to have the garage door repaired The GARADOR repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made
at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four
is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING No3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the

Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from
our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! 
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'

IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco.  She
asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at Luton airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is
safe to cross the road.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

IDIOT SIGHTING No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car,

we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the Driver's door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle
and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us - AND THEY BREED!

Subject: Backspace

QUESTION:
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?

ANSWER:
The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

* The Catholic Church's approach to characters:
The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of
happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty
characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as
"breast," "s*x" and
"contraception."

* The Buddhist explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has
been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character.
Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become
numbers, numbers will become letters,
and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

* The Mac user's explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC
hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters,
because you're in PC hell also.

* Stephen King's explanation:
Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the
cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their
blood,
then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

* IBM's explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are
needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them.
Get a life.

* PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of
  Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them
SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK,
you pig!!!!

Subject: Keep the Brain turning over

1. Reena's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The
second child was named May.  What was the third child's name?

2. A clerk at the butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size
13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by
four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the another
field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third
field?

7. In Athens, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why
not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what
place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk
of the egg is white"?

Scroll down for the answers

The Answers

1. Reena's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The
second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Reena of course

2. A clerk at the butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size
13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?

Answer: Mt. Everest ; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good
at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by
four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly.

6. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the another
field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third
field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
stack.

7. In Athens, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why
not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to
take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now -  [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what
place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place,
not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk
of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

You can go back to sleep now ...

Subject: Most Expensive Divorces

Most Expensive Divorces
  a.. Alec Wildenstein's divorce from Jocelyn Wildenstein; estimated at
$2.5 billion
  b.. Bernie Ecclestone's divorce from Slavica; estimated at $1-$1.2
billion
  c.. Adnan Khashoggi's divorce from Soraya Khashoggi; estimated at $850
million
  d.. Craig McCaw's divorce from Wendy McCaw; estimated to exceed $460
million
  e.. Mel Gibson's divorce from Robyn Moore Gibson; estimated at $425
million
  f.. Roman Abramovich's divorce from Irina Abramovich; estimated at $300
million
  g.. Michael Jordan's divorce from Juanita Jordan; estimated at $168
million
  h.. Boris Berezovsky's divorce from Galina Besharova; estimated at $160
million
  i.. Neil Diamond's divorce from Marcia Murphey; estimated at $150 million
  j.. Frank McCourt's divorce from Jamie McCourt; estimated at $130 million
  k.. Garth Brooks' divorce from Sandy Mahl; estimated at $125 million
  l.. Charles Edgar Fipke's divorce from Marlene Fipke; estimated at $123
million
  m.. Greg Norman's divorce from Laura Andrassy; estimated at $103 million
  n.. Tiger Woods' divorce from Elin Nordegren; estimated at $100 million
  o.. Steven Spielberg's divorce from Amy Irving; estimated at $100 million
  p.. Rupert Murdoch's divorce from Anna Murdoch; estimated at $100 million
  q.. Madonna's divorce from Guy Ritchie; estimated at $76-$92 million
  r.. Harrison Ford's divorce from Melissa Mathison; estimated at $85
million
  s.. Kevin Costner's divorce from Cindy Silva; estimated at $80 million
  t.. Kenny Rogers divorce from Marianne Rogers; estimated at $60 million
  u.. Kelsey Grammer's divorce from Camille Grammer; estimated at $60
million
  v.. James Cameron's divorce from Linda Hamilton; estimated at $50 million
  w.. Paul McCartney's divorce from Heather Mills; estimated at $48.6
million
  x.. Michael Douglas' divorce from Diandra Douglas; estimated at $45
million
  y.. Ted Danson's divorce from Casey Coats; estimated at $30 million
  z.. Donald Trump's divorce from Ivana Trump; estimated at $25 million
  aa.. Lionel Richie's divorce from Diane Richie; estimated at $20 million
  ab.. Johnny Carson's divorce from Joanna Holland; estimated at $20
million
  ac.. Mick Jagger's divorce from Jerry Hall; estimated $15 million

From: Wally
Subject: NEW CPR - NOW CCC

NEW CPR – NOW CONTINUOUS CHEST COMPRESSIONS
NO MORE MOUTH TO MOUTH
EASY TO SAVE A LIFE
 Click here

From: Wally
Subject: Confucius Say

Confucius Say:
It's OK to let a fool kiss you;
but don't let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say:
S*x is like a bank account.
You put it in,
you take it out,
and you lose interest.

Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland ...
A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate
you do not want.

Confucius Say:
A joke is like s*x.
Neither is any good, if you don't get it.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Only 4 months till summer!!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Maria
Subject:  Beautiful children..
 Click here

I saw her standing there and I told her she had three beautiful children.

She didn't have to get all upset and threaten me.

It was an honest mistake.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Restroom Sign
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Maltese Falcon
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: Almost UnBearable .....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

A bear  was walking across Rainbow Bridge (Old Hwy 40) at Donner Summit on
the way to Lake Tahoe),  when two cars also crossing the bridge scared the
bear into  jumping over the edge of the bridge. Somehow the bear caught the
 ledge (see unbelievable photo, below) & pulled  itself to safety.
Authorities  decided that nothing could be done to help that night so they 
returned the next morning to find the bear sound asleep on the  ledge.
After  securing a net under the bridge the bear was  tranquilized,fell 
into the net, & lowered,
then  woke up & walked out of the net.

There  is a moral to this story you know.
This  bear made a wrong move & found he was hanging by his  nails.
Somehow he was able to pull himself up onto the ledge,  where he saw he was
in a very bad, impossible situation & what  did he do? Yes, he took a nap &
sure enough the situation took  care of itself while he was asleep.
The  moral is that when confronted with a bad  situation,sometimes  the
best solution is ---take  a nap.
So  next time you see me asleep in front of the TV,  just  remember I could
 be solving an important  problem!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: Most amazing plane in history
 Click here Click here Click here

For the Airplane Buffs.
Built in Russia during the 1930s, it flew 11 times before crashing     and
killing 15 people. The designer, Konstantin Kalinin, wanted to build two
more planes but the project was scr*pped. Later, Stalin had Kalinin
executed. Evidently, it was not good to fail on an expensive project under 
Stalin. It's got propellers on the back of the wings, too.
You can count 12 engines facing front. The size would be equivalent to the
Empire State Building on its side, with cannons. And you think the 747 was
big ... not only a bunch of engines but check out the cannons the thing was
carrying. In the 1930s the Russian army was obsessed by the idea of
creating huge planes. At that time they were proposed to have as many
propellers as possible to help carrying those huge flying fortresses into
the air -  jet propulsion has not been implemented yet. Not many photos
were saved from those times because of the high secrecy levels of such
projects and because a lot of time has already passed.

Can you imagine what it would be like sitting in this thing when those
cannons go off? Looks like something out of a Jules Verne novel.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:   2014 Olympics Photo
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: The Great Gussius
Subject: The olden days
 Click here

Subject: Patience and wisdom
 Click here

Subject: The Burqa Debate - What a smart man.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: 5 X Video Links & 14 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

5 Video Links.

Worlds Largest Aircraft AN-225 MRIYA
 Click here

---

Starling Murmurations (Amazing Stuff)
 Click here

---

Case of the Jumping Cactus

 Click here

---

Impressive Busker

 Click here

---

Dogs in Slow Motion
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: China's New Bridge
China opens record breaking 4,000 ft long bridge

Note  that the person below is 1102 feet above the ground and  is sweeping
the dirt off this twenty first century engineering marvel with a broom that
was designed  centuries ago and has no safety line. Blasting and  coating
this steel superstructure in a couple of decades  will be an interesting
project.
Aizhai  Bridge in Hunan province is 336 m (1,102 ft.) high and  has a 1,176
m (3,858 ft.) span.
It connects two  traffic tunnels in the mountains, cutting the time needed
to traverse the canyon from 30 minutes to 1  minute. Construction took five
years.
Work finished at the end of last  year, making it the world's  highest 
suspension bridge.
A  brave worker put the final touches on the Anzhaite  Bridge . The 
bridge, which connects to two tunnels, was built to ease traffic.Drivers 
can take in the views of the Dehang  Canyon People and traffic during the
Opening  ceremony. Vehicles  motor along a two-way, four-lane motorway.
Pedestrians walk along it on a special walkway under  the road.

Chinese Supremacy
Right now China is actually building a city larger than Manhattan just
outside Minsk, the capital of Belarus. Are you starting to get the picture?
China is on the rise.  If you doubt this, just read the following:
# When you total up all imports and exports, China is now the number one
trading nation on the entire planet.
# Overall, the U.S. has run a trade deficit with China over the past decade
that comes to more than 2.3 trillion dollars.
# China has more foreign currency reserves than anyone else on the planet.
# China now has the largest new car market in the entire world.
# China now produces more than twice as many automobiles as the United
States does.
# After being bailed out by U.S. taxpayers, GM is involved in 11 joint
ventures with Chinese companies.
# China is the number one gold producer in the world.
# The uniforms for the U.S. Olympic team were made in China.
# 85% of all artificial Christmas trees the world over are made in China.
# The new World Trade Centre tower in New York is going to include glass
imported from China.
# China now consumes more energy than the United States does.
# China is now in aggregate the leading manufacturer of goods in the entire
world.
# China uses more cement than the rest of the world combined.
# China is now the number one producer of wind and solar power on the
entire globe.
# China produces 3 times as much coal and 11 times as much steel as the
United States does.
# China produces more than 90% of the global supply of rare earth elements.
# China is now the number one supplier of components that are critical to
the operation of any national defense system.
# In published scientific research articles China is expected to become
number one in the world very shortly.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Subject: Guess What This Is ??
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

GUESS WHAT THIS IS ??

THEY ARE VIETNAMESE PUMPKINS

Subject: Japanese Trucks
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Japanese trucks are extravagantly beautiful works of art

Subject: Cat Curling
 Click here Click here

Cat Curling at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympic Games

Subject: Crystal HeadVodka
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Crystal Head Announced as Official Vodka of The Rolling Stones 50th
Anniversary

Universal Music Canada, the country’s leading Music Company and
Crystal Head Vodka, the bestselling, ultra-premium vodka founded by Dan
Aykroyd, have joined forces with The Rolling Stones, the Greatest Rock 'n'
Roll Band in the World, to create an exclusive, limited edition Rolling
Stones 50th Anniversary Gift Set. The announcement was made by Aykroyd, and
Universal Music Canada President & CEO, Randy Lennox.

Crystal Head Vodka (CrystalHeadVodka.com) - the multiple award-winning
Canadian vodka - has just been named the official vodka of The Rolling
Stones 50th Anniversary.

"It is a huge honour and recognition of our high quality product to have
Crystal Head designated as the officially authorized vodka for the Rolling
Stones 50th Anniversary Worldwide celebration," Aykroyd exclaimed.
"Together with Bravado, the band’s licensing company, we have
created the ultimate gift package for Stones fans and their families. There
has never been a greater Father’s Day gift, Halloween decoration or
Christmas present. Anybody who loves the Stones or great vodka - and pretty
much everyone I know loves both - will be all over this.”

  Included in this highly collectible gift set:

  a.. Stunning handcrafted display case featuring a real zipper, recalling
the legendary Sticky Fingers album cover
  b.. Bottle of Crystal Head Vodka
  c.. 2CD Live Compilation - spanning The Rolling Stones five decades on
stage
  d.. Crystal bottle decanter top, engraved with The Rolling Stones iconic
lip-and-tongue logo
  e.. Bottle sticker—featuring the 50th anniversary logo “The
Rolling Stones and Crystal Head Vodka are two iconic brands and
we’re thrilled to be partnering with both in this, the
Stones’ 50th year,” commented Lennox. “The Stones are
the greatest rock ’n’ roll band of all-time and Crystal Head
Vodka a leader in the spirit world with the synergies between the two
brands endless. We are excited to be working alongside Dan and his creative
teams to bring this wonderful partnership to the fans.”

Crystal Head honouring the Stones in this way makes perfect sense: The
Stones make great music with passion and creativity, and Crystal Head makes
great vodka the same way. In 1989 the Stones were named to the Rock and
Roll Hall of Fame, and in 2013 Crystal Head was named Gold Medallist for
Excellent Taste at the PRODEXPO Exhibition, in Moscow, Russia. As Aykroyd
said on hearing the news of the award, “If Russians do not know their
vodka, who does?!”

The limited edition 50th Anniversary commemorative package will retail for
$89.95 - $99.95. It is the perfect gift for any rock fan, sure to be
proudly displayed on any bar or music shelf, or both!

The entire process of creating Crystal Head Vodka is resoundingly pure at
heart - from the high quality grain to the pristine waters of Newfoundland,
Canada. Crystal Head is quadruple distilled, then filtered seven times, of
which three are through semi-precious crystals known as Herkimer Diamonds.
No glycol, citrus oil or added sugars are used in the making of Crystal
Head Vodka. The result is a pure and extraordinarily smooth spirit. Crystal
Head Vodka comes in a bottle designed by American artist John Alexander,
with Dan Aykroyd consulting.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Windows Evolution
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Subject: 37 X Police Blotters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Subject: A Place in the Choir:
 Click here Click here

CELTIC THUNDER

  A PLACE IN THE CHOIR

All God's creatures got a place in the choir
Some sing low and some sing higher,
Some sing out loud on a telephone wire,
Some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they've got now

All God's creatures got a place in the choir
Some sing low and some sing higher,
Some sing out loud on a telephone wire,
Some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they've got now

Listen to the top where the little bird sings
On the melodies and the high notes ringing,
And the hoot owl cries over everything
And the blackbird disagrees.

Singing in the night time, singing in the day,
When little duck quacks, and he's on his way.
And the otter hasn't got much to say
And the porcupine talks to himself

All God's creatures got a place in the choir
Some sing low and some sing higher,
Some sing out loud on a telephone wire,
Some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they've got now

The dogs and the cats they take up the middle
While the honeybee hums and the cricket fiddles,
The donkey brays and the pony neighs
And the old grey badger sighs...

Listen to the bass, it's the one on the bottom
Where the bullfrog croaks and the hippopotamus
Moans and groans with a big to do
And the old cow just goes moo.

All God's creatures got a place in the choir
Some sing low and some sing higher,
Some sing out loud on a telephone wire,
Some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they've got now

It's a simple song a little song everywhere
By the ox and the fox and the grizzly bear,
The dopey alligator and the the hawk above,
The sly old weasel and the turtle dove.

All God's creatures got a place in the choir
Some sing low and some sing higher,
Some sing out loud on a telephone wire,
Some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they've got now

All God's creatures got a place in the choir
Some sing low and some sing higher,
Some sing out loud on a telephone wire,
Some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they've got now

All God's creatures got a place in the choir
Some sing low and some sing higher,
Some sing out loud on a telephone wire,
Some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they've got now

All God's creatures got a place in the choir.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: 14 X Video Links & 20 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

14 X Video Links

Snooker – How good is 3yo Wang Wuka?
 Click here

---

Hazmat Highway
 Click here

---

Rabbit Island – Japan
 Click here
---

Balancing Goats
 Click here

---

Nice Story – It’s not how you start, but how you finish
 Click here

---

The Storms in Britain – Heaps of Photos
 Click here

 ---

 Bus Driver having a Bad Day

 Click here

---

USS Laffey

 Click here

---

Alex & Anny
 Click here

---

Helicopter's Rotor Catches Steel Rope
 Click here

---

Ferry being Beached for Scr*p
 Click here

---

Flamingo Dance
 Click here

---

Tank Brake Test
 Click here

---

Car & Engine Shredder
 Click here

Subject: Pennies from Heaven
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

1949 Cadillac covered in pennies

Floor covered in 59,670 pennies

More - Click here

Subject: 16 X Looking for Love
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: London Flat only $30,000 Week
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: I Didn't Know That ...
 Click here Click here

Thanks to Physicist Richard Feynman

Subject: No more Pizza Hut for Me
 Click here

No more Pizza Hut for Me

 Click here

Subject: The 10 Most Expensive Coins in the World
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Another Idiot !!
 Click here

  Another Idiot !!

  a  real incident in Pakistan....

 A Taliban suicide bomber stopped and searched by police, was found with a
metal shield around his penis.
 Asked about the purpose of this protection, his response was:
 "I want to keep my penis intact after the explosion, so as not to have
s*xual problems once I get my 72 virgins in heaven!"
 Just wondering - is this the true interpretation of a D*ck-Head?

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Road Rage
 Click here Click here
 ARL  DSM; 1  GOLF; 3  KILO; 5  DELTA

So anyway, I'm behind this pr*ck who can't f*cking drive. Weaving all over
the place and hasn't got a f*cking clue.
I'm roaring, "You f*cking Paki bastard, learn to drive!! And while you're
at it, why don't you F*ck off back to your own country, you smelly pr*ck..
You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped and said, "Get out of my
taxi!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Subject: Thought for today..............

It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you
realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using
violence.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (February 21, 2014)  Index Next (March 07, 2014)