Friday humour - February 07, 2014

A shower at 40,000 feet?
This beats anything I've experienced!
 Click here

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What do retired men do ?

The next time someone asks you that, send them this.
 Click here

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 From: Arfermo

WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE!!

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting
competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house!

We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of
dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And don't
forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British passport,
and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!.

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at
=A3180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone
buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry
companies or Eurostar.

No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable.

All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic
password: 'ASYLUM'.

Few years ago 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown
Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local
law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
=A3200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.

They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in
hotels all over Britain.

Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and
the world famous Toddington Services area In Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to
phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid.

Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.

It won't cost you a penny, so play today; it could change your life
forever.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters,
pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers,
Tamil tigers,bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers,
Somali guerrillas...COME ON DOWN!

Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the
ferry terminal.

Don't stop in Germany or France.

Go straight to Britain and you are guaranteed to be one of tens of
thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth.

Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'.

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From: Burnout
Maps to study.........
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov

This is what they think of us building tradesmen

An Australian electrician (Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car  accident 
on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass
band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a 
huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants
to  shake his hand.Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint
Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting 
a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at 
Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing
life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but
congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really 
special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician - the Royalty of 
all Trades??"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old!
God himself wants to see you!" The electrician is awestruck and can only
look at
Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he 
looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in
the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found
to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." "That's simply impossible son,"
says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

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From: Nottingham Smithie
I don't like the dance routine much but she does have something
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
you might enjoy this animation
 Click here 

strangely beautiful

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From: Nottingham Smithie

unfortunate things to say in a garden centre .....

1/  Have you anything pink that grows to 9''.
2/ Wife to husband ''I'm not letting you put it in because it always
shrivels up''.
3/ ''We tried it in the shade and up against the fence and it still wouldn't grow big enough''.
4/ You know the spot love, the spot by the back passage.
5/ ''He tried miracle grow but it didn't make much difference''.
6/ ''Have you anything that grows to 9'' and would go in a wet place ''.
7/ It gets so dry we can't do a thing .
8/ When does this come summer or winter ?.
9/ We tried it in the front and then in the back it seemed better when we
had it on the patio .
10/ Will you be having it in again ?.
11/ My next door neighbour liked it so much when it got big enough my
husband poked it through the fence into next doors garden ..They were ever so grateful .
12/ How deep should we put it in for best results .
13/ Have you fat balls ?.
14/ Would my pussy like catmint ?.

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From: Nottingham Smithie

Around the World Pics
How many can you recognize?
 Click here

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From: Sack
Indian drums.
Two cowboys are riding through a canyon, when off in the distance they hear the sound of Indian drums.
One cowboy says to the other, "I don't like the sound of those drums!"
And from across the canyon they hear a voice call out,
"HE'S NOT OUR NORMAL DRUMMER"

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From: Seasoldier

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog sh*t.
A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that."
So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

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From: Wally
Murder Statistics for the World

=46rom the World Health Organization:

The latest Murder Statistics for the World

Murders per 100,000 citizens.

Honduras  91.6

El Salvador  69.2

Cote d'lvoire  56.9

Jamaica  52.2

Venezuela  45.1

Belize  41.4

US Virgin Islands  39.2

Guatemala  38.5

Saint Kits and Nevis  38.2

Zambia   38.0

Uganda  36.3

Malawi   36.0

Lesotho  35.2

Trinidad and Tobago  35.2

Colombia  33.4

South Africa  31.8

Congo  30.8

Russia 29.7

Central African Republic  29.3

Bahamas  27.4

Puerto Rico  26.2

Saint Lucia  25.2

Dominican Republic  25.0

Tanzania  24.5

Sudan  24.2

Saint Vincent and the Grenadines  22.9

Ethiopia  22.5

Guinea  22.5

Dominica  22.1

Burundi  21.7

Democratic Republic of the Congo  21.7

Panama  21.6

Brazil   21.0

Equatorial Guinea  20.7

Guinea-Bissau   20.2

Kenya   20.1

Kyrgyzstan  20.1

Cameroon  19.7

Montserrat  19.7

Greenland  19.2

Angola  19.0

Guyana  18.6

Burkina Faso 18.0

Eritrea  17.8

Namibia  17.2

Rwanda  17.1

Mexico  16.9

Chad  15.8

Ghana  15.7

Ecuador  15.2

North Korea 15.2

Benin  15.1

Sierra Leone 14.9

Mauritania 14.7

Botswana 14.5

Zimbabwe 14.3

Gabon 13.8

Nicaragua 13.6

French Guiana 13.3

Papua New Guinea 13.0

Swaziland 12.9

Bermuda 12.3

Comoros 12.2

Nigeria 12.2

Cape Verde  11.6

Grenada  11.5

Paraguay  11.5

Barbados 11.3

Togo 10.9

Gambia  10.8

Peru 10.8

Myanmar  10.2

India 10.2

Liberia  10.1

Costa Rica  10.0

Nauru 9.8

Bolivia  8.9

Mozambique  8.8

Kazakhstan  8.8

Senegal  8.7

Turks and Caicos Islands  8.7

Mongolia  8.7

British Virgin Islands  8.6

Cayman Islands  8.4

Seychelles  8.3

Madagascar  8.1

Indonesia 8.1

Mali  8.0

Pakistan  7.8

Moldova  7.5

Kiribati  7.3

Guadeloupe  7.0

Haiti  6.9

Timor-Leste  6.9

Anguilla  6.8

Antigua and Barbuda  6.8

Lithuania  6.6

United States 5.9

Uruguay  5.9

Philippines  5.4

Ukraine 5.2

Estonia  5.2

Cuba 5.0

Belarus  4.9

Thailand  4.8

Suriname  ..6

Laos  4.6

Georgia 4.3

Martinique  4.2

Israel 3.2

Switzerland 2.9

China 2.2

Canada 2

United Kingdom 1.9

France 1.6

Australia 1.5

New Zealand 1.5

Sweden 1.4

Spain 1.4

Denmark 1.1

Germany 1.0

Austria 0.8

United Arab Emirates 0.7

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From: Wally

HOW COLOURS GOT THEIR NAMES

Black
Black derives from words invariably meaning the colour black, as well as
dark, ink and "to burn."

Originally meaning, burning, blazing, glowing and shining, in PIE it was
*bhleg. This was changed to *blakkaz in Proto-Germanic, to blaken in Dutch and blaec, in Old English. This last word, blaec, also meant ink, as
did blak (Old Saxon) and black (Swedish).

The colour was called blach in Old High German and written blaec in Old
English. One final meaning, dark (also blaec in Old English) derived from the Old Norse blakkr.

White
White began its life in PIE as *kwintos and meant simply white or bright.
This had changed to *khwitz in Proto-Germanic, and later languages
transformed it into hvitr (Old Norse), hwit (Old Saxon) and wit (Dutch). By the time Old English developed, the word was kwit.

Red
In PIE, red was *reudh and meant red and ruddy. In Proto-Germanic, red was
*rauthaz, and in its derivative languages raudr (Old Norse), rod (Old Saxon) and r=D8d (Danish). In Old English, it was written read.

Green
Meaning grow in PIE, it was *ghre. Subsequent languages wrote it grene (Old
Frisian), graenn (Old Norse) and grown (Dutch). In Old English, it was grene and meant the colour green as well as young and immature.

Yellow
Thousands of years ago, yellow was considered to be closely related to
green, and in PIE it was *ghel and meant both yellow and green. In
Proto-Germanic, the word was *gelwaz. Subsequent incarnations of German had the word as gulr (Old Norse), gel (Middle High German) and gelo (Old
High
German). As late as Old English, yellow was written geolu and geolwe

Blue
Blue was also often confused with yellow back in the day. The PIE word was
*bhle-was and meant "light-coloured, blue, blond yellow" and had its root as bhel which meant to shine. In Proto-Germanic, the word was *blaewaz,
and in
Old English, it was blaw.

English also gets some of its words from French, and blue is one of them. In
Old French (one of the vulgar Latin dialects whose height was between the 9th and 13th centuries AD) blue was written bleu and blew and meant
a variety of things including the colour blue.

Brown
Derived from the Old Germanic for either or both a dark colour and a shining darkness (brunoz and bruna),brown is a recent addition to our
language. In
Old English it was brun or brune, and its earliest known writing was in
about 1000 AD.

Purple
This word also skipped the PIE and seems to have sprung up in the 9th
century AD, in Old English aspurpul. Burrowed from the Latin word purpura, purple originally meant alternately, "purple colour, purple-dyed
cloak, purple dye . . . a shellfish from which purple was made . . .
[and] splendid attire generally."

Orange
This colour's name derives from the Sanskrit word for the fruit naranga.
(Yes, the colour orange was named after the fruit, not the other way
around). This transformed into the Arabic and Persian naranj, and by the
time of Old French to pomme d'orenge. It was originally recorded in English as the name of the colour in 1512. Before then, the English speaking
world referred to the orange colour as geoluhread, which literally
translates to
"yellow-red."

Pink
One of the most recent colours to gain a name, pink was first recorded as describing the "pale rose colour" in 1733. In the 16th century, pink
was the common named to describe a plant whose petals had a variety of
colours (Dianthus), and it originally may have come from a Dutch word of
the same spelling that meant small.

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From: Wally

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven...
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them...
"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani...
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

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From: Arfermo
They are coming
 Click here

They're coming!
Too late ! They are on their way.....
First flight from Romania.
Baggage checked in, boarded and ready for Britain, just waiting for 1st
January ! ! ! !
Happy new year everyone!!!!

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From: Burnout
Why Women have Handbags!
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
FIRE SAFETY TEST FOR SENIORS...
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Make a noise like a frog.

This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel All Warm and Fuzzy
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into
her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my 
mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog, because my mom said that as soon as you croak, 
we're all going to Disney World!

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From: Nottingham Smithie
One for the catholics
 Click here

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From: Sack
Grumpy
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Some things you will only see in Australia
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Australian Innovation - for Australia day
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
One for the Ladies
 Click here

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From: Wally
Cr*pper Mapper Quiz
 Click here

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From: Wally
7 X Video Links & 12 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Should have just Knocked -
 Click here 

(Would have been easier)

History of the World - 
 Click here 

(In 2 Minutes)

Flick - 
 Click here 

(Cant help yourself)

The Clothes Peg Gun - 
 Click here 

(Using Match Sticks)

Florian Kohler -
 Click here
(Pool Trick Shots)

Dirty Waters -
 Click here
(Dangerous Fish)

Swedish Marines -
 Click here 

(Grease Lightning)

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From: Wally
New Year's Surprise
 Click here Click here
The head of a company in Japan, decided to give its employees a bonus for
New Year.
However, when everyone received their precious prize, they were very
disappointed to see that it was just a box of shrimp-flavoured sticks,
many even threw them away, as they did not know that inside, they had a
surprise.

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From: Wally
Only in Tennessee

An opera singer is out of work, after a routine surgery left her unable to sing, without farting. Amy Herbst, 33, who has performed with the
Nashville
Opera Company, filed suit against Fort Campbell's Blanchfield Army Community
Hospital, in Tennessee, claiming that the episiotomy she received during
child birth, caused her to lose control of her flatulence.The surgery, which cuts the tissue between the anus and vagina to help the delivery of
the baby, did not heal properly, leaving the soprano with a complete
breakdown of the episiotomy and perineum and the external sphincter is
disrupted, and the vagina and rectum are basically connected without any perineal
body.
The complete breakdown has obvious ramifications for Herbst's job.
Herbst, and her husband, former Army Staff Sgt. James Herbst, are seeking $2.5 million in damages.

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From: Wally
Japanese Calendar [XXX]
 Click here

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From: Wally
Fishing with a Hand Grenade:
 Click here

1. Pull the pin.
2. Throw it far from the boat.
3. Net the stunned and dead fish.
These guys forgot step 2.
I could watch it for hours ....

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From: Wally
Cyclone Dylan
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Dream Chaser
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

This is the Dream Chaser, and the surprising new NASA shuttle to travel to space.
NASA launched a new space shuttle after years.
Created by the company Sierra Nevada Corporation, was baptized with the name of Dream Chaser,
and inherits the traditional aspect of HL-20.
The Dream Chaser has a length of nine metres, and a weight of 9000 kilos.
Be able to carry six passengers to the International Space Station, and then return alone.
The maiden flight of this ship to carry astronauts to space missions,
will be from the Kennedy Space Centre in Florida, but will not be manned, if all goes well, until 2017.

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From: Wally
Train vs Truck
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

In Ontario, Canada, a train crashed into a truck carrying logs, when he for some reason, hesitated on the rail crossing. The train driver and the
truck driver, were not seriously injured. However, the same cant be said
for the logs.

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From: Wally
Open Road
 Click here

A straight 200km stretch of the Stuart Highway, in the Northern Territory,
Australia, will become the site of a 12 month open speed limit trail, which begins today 1st February 2014.

While the Northern Territory once had open speed limits, they were scr*pped in 2007, and replaced with a 130km/h limit, in return for an increase
in commonwealth funding. However, from that time until 2012, more people
died on Northern Territory roads, than in the six years before the change.

The NT's Minister for Transport, Peter Styles, said the stretch of road,
south of Barrow Creek, to just north of Alice Springs, was recommended for the trial, as it had no identifiable road issues, and low crash
numbers.

"The stretch of highway has undergone a multi-million dollar upgrade, to
improve safety during the trial," Mr Styles said.

"In the thirteen years between 2001-2014, there weren't any speed related fatalities, on this stretch of road."

Mr Styles reminded motorists that this trial of revised speed limits, was not a licence to drive recklessly, dangerously, or without due care.

"Open speed limits mean driving to the road conditions - everyone should
drive within their own capabilities, the condition of the road, prevailing weather conditions, and the standard of their vehicle," he said.

"Learner and provisional drivers, and heavy vehicles, will continue to be speed limited as they are now."

Source: Northern Territory Minister for Transport, Peter Styles

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From: Wally
People on Public Transport
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Eccentric collection of people on public transport.

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From: Wally
13 X Weird Festivals
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Chucky Returns
 Click here

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From: Wally
7  X Video Links & 11 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

7  X Video Links & 11 X Photos

Arlington Flyover -
 Click here 

(MIA - 45 years)

How Not to Fly a Helicopter -
 Click here 

(Lesson 1)

Dogs and Sports -
 Click here 

(Well Trained)

Amazing Grace -
 Click here 

(Flash Mob)

Doberhuahua -
 Click here 

(Audi Ad)

Super Bowl Ad Puppy Love -
 Click here 

(from Budweiser)

Military Tribute -
 Click here 

(Gene Simmons)

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From: Wally
Only in India
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Things To Ponder !!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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