Friday humour - January 31, 2014

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Are you smarter than a 60 year old?

Are you smarter than a 60 year old?

This was harder than I thought...the answers were on the tip of my
tongue...
I remembered, but...
Don't look below for the answers until you have tried it out. This is a
test for us 'OLDER' KIDS'.
I was picky who I sent this to. It had to go to those who might actually
remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us
'older kids'! The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but
don't cheat! Answer them first..... Hope this is large enough for everyone
to see.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the
grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone
would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave
behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched
them on The _______________ Show.

03. 'Get your kicks, __________________.'

04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to
___________________.'

05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a
stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the
'_____________.'

07. Nestle's makes the very best . .. . . _______________.'

08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared
this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red
always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________
________... '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the
front was called the VW. What other names did it go by?
___________&_______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music
died.'
This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did
it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring
that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______________.

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!

18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? The _____ Knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard
smash" it's name was the ______ ______!

20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's
Logo/Representative. What was the boys Name? ________

ANSWERS:

01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04.To protect the innocent.
05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco
17. Howdy Doody Time
18. Shadow
19. Monster Mash
20. Speedy

Send this to your 'older' friends, (Better known as Seniors.) It will drive
them crazy!

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Subject: Soldier's Small Book
 Click here

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Subject: Well-known laws

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to
the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
will ring.

7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
with.

8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, IT WILL!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats
are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will
leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who
leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The
folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs
or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle
people also are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what
you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that
you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling
it!

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Subject: Memory Lane Juke Box

All 300 selections are videos of artists performing.
A high school in the DC area put this together. The juke box is great!
ROCK ON!
 Click here

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Subject: 15 unbelievable portraits carved out of phone books

Alex Queral is an really good artist that uses a unique way to sculpt:
taking an ordinary phone book, Alex Queral carves a face into this object
of so many faceless names. With the book, a very sharp X-ACTOR knife, a
little pot of acrylic medium to set detail areas and a great deal of
talent, Queral literally peels away the pages like the skin of an onion to
reveal the portrait within. Once the carving is complete, he will often
apply a black wash to enhance the features and then seal the entire book
with acrylic to preserve the work. However, he never loses the line
registration; and the book remains quite pliable.
 Click here

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Subject: Old B&W Photos
 Click here
004 | 1865 | " City Point , Virginia (vicinity). Medical supply boat
Planter at General Hospital wharf on the Appomattox "
 Click here
005 | 1890 | Florida . "Brown's Landing, Rice Creek"
 Click here
006 | 1896 | U.S.S. New York . "Group of sailors" | Edward Hart
 Click here
007 | 1897 | "Commodore H.M. Gillig's racing sloop Vencedor on Lake Erie "
| John S. Johnston
 Click here
008 | 1897 | "Berth deck cooks, U.S.S. Oregon" | Edward H. Hart
 Click here
009 | 1897 | "U.S.S. Massachusetts, fire room" Tending the battleship's
coal-fired boilers. | Edward H. Hart
 Click here
010 | 1898 | "U.S.S. Oregon in dry dock, Brooklyn Navy Yard"
 Click here
011 | 1899 | "Berth deck cooks aboard cruiser U.S.S. Brooklyn" | Edward H.
Hart
 Click here
012 | 1900 | "U.S. Battleship Texas, chief petty officers" | Edward H. Hart
 Click here
013 | 1900 | Chicago . "12th Street Bascule Bridge "
 Click here
014 | 1900 | Charlevoix , Michigan . "Harbor entrance and light house"
 Click here
015 | 1900 | "Car ferry 'Transport' entering slip, Detroit River "
 Click here
016 | 1900 | Florida . "A landing on the Tomoka" | William Henry Jackson
 Click here
017 | 1900 | "A bit of country life near Henryville , Pennsylvania ‚EUR"
making soap"
 Click here
018 | 1900 | " Brooklyn Bridge , East River "
 Click here
019 | 1900 | New Jersey circa. "Bergen Tunnel, east end"
 Click here
020 | 1900 | Chicago . "A walk in Lincoln Park "
 Click here
021 | 1900 | Buffalo , New York . "Labor Day parade, Main Street "
 Click here
022 | 1900 | "U.S.S. Oregon quarterdeck" | Edward H. Hart
 Click here
023 | 1900 | "U.S.S. Chicago. One of the crew"
 Click here
024 | 1901 | Buffalo , New York . "Unloading ore from whaleback carrier"
 Click here
025 | 1901 | "Hanging rock on the Susquehanna near Danville , Pennsylvania
"
 Click here
026 | 1901 | Petoskey , Michigan . "Grand Rapids & Indiana R.R. station"
 Click here
027 | 1901 | Detroit . "Excursion steamers Tashmoo and Idlewild at wharves"
 Click here
029 | 1902 | "A happy family"
 Click here
030 | 1902 | Iowa . "Chicago & North Western Railway ‚EUR" steel viaduct
over Des Moines River " | William Henry Jackson
 Click here
034 | 1904 | The Jersey Shore . "Steeplechase Pier and bathers, Atlantic
City "
 Click here
037 | 1905 | St. Clair , Michigan . "Launch of steamer Frank J. Hecker"
 Click here
041 | 1905 | Cleveland , Ohio . " Cuyahoga River from the Viaduct"
 Click here
042 | 1905 | Buffalo , New York . "Jack-Knife Bridge, City Ship Canal ,
foot of Michigan Street "
 Click here
043 | 1905 | The Detroit River . "Transfer steamer Detroit in the ice"
 Click here
044 | 1905 | Houghton , Michigan . "Loading copper on steamer Juniata "
 Click here
088 | 1912 | "Dime Savings Bank and Detroit City Hall "
 Click here
093 | 1919 | Washington , D.C. " Alexandria shipyard views" | Harris &
Ewing Collection
 Click here
094 | 1920 | "Shad fishing on the Potomac "
 Click here
098 | 1922 | Washington , D.C. "Group winners at Tidal Basin bathing beach"
Time is like a river, you cannot touch the same water twice, Because the
flow that has passed will never pass again! Enjoy every moment of life!

"In GOD we trust"

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From: Burnout
Subject: Smart Dog!
 Click here

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Subject: How many Doctors does it take to change a light globe?????
 Click here

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Subject: Chose your bag wisely......
 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: Palindrome- the best message to the world by a 20 year old (

Thought this was very clever hope you like it

Make sure you see this through to the end.

  A 'palindrome' reads the same backwards as forward. This video reads the
exact opposite, backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite,
the meaning is the exact opposite.

This is only a 1 minute 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you
read as well as listen to the entire video...

The video was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old. The contest was
titled "u @ 50". When they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck
and broke into spontaneous applause. So simple and yet so brilliant.
Pls click the link below
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Minties Moments

Classic Minties moments, I dare say we have all had them but now it our
turn to laugh.
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: an Australian folk song - literally
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: signs
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: German Wonderland  (must see........Amazing  )

Remember the two brothers, in Germany , who had a wonderful model railway
that was something to see? This is an update for their German Wonderland.
Enjoy.

There have been little clips about this place for the past few years, it is
still not finished but is growing to that conclusion as they will soon run
out of space.
A short review, it was started by two brothers as a place to show their
hobby, it started growing by leaps & bounds.

Soon they were joined by other 'Model Railroad Clubs' and other craftsmen.
Some were electricians, model makers, Carpenters, computer programmers.
Their wives would stop by to see what they were doing and usually bring
them a lunch.

One thing led to another. Three of the ladies had worked at a bakery,
several visitors would ask if they had a snack bar. The Idea was planted;
some of the carpenters came and built a nice restaurant area for the bakery
and a kitchen too. If the fresh Coffee smell didn't get you then the bakery
definitely would.

This was about 5 years ago. One of the Breweries came and furnished all of
the tables and chairs, serving counter and, etc.
Their latest finished area is the airport. Planes look like they are flying
and landing.

GERMAN WONDERLAND link below
 Click here

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From: Sack
  Subject:  : A Romantic Canadian Husband

Man said to his wife "Alright you s*xy thing, upstairs now"
She looked at him and said "Ooh, you devil"
He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting,....... bugger off"

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Subject:   Men Remembering Anniversaries...

SOME MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him..
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee,

'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband  continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released  today.'

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: Diagnosticul digital
We should send this to every Doctor we know

This is what they call modern technology This cardiologist  is certainly on
the 'cutting edge.'
Looks like the future of diagnostic  medicine and treatment is going to be
quite revolutionary.
This is just  amazing as to what is predicted in medicine. This is truly
worth watching.
Please watch and then spread the word. This is too good to keep to 
yourself!
 Click here

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Subject: Boys and Their Toys .....

Some of these are a little more than "toys" ............!!
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject:  Foreign Objects Found Stuck In A Rectum

According to ER doctors, getting foreign objects stuck in your anus is
surprisingly common.
The items on this list are weirder than most, however.  We've gone beyond
the "usual" bottles and d*ldos to bring you these ten truly bizarre items
that have all been found lodged in peoples' bums.  Something tells us that
they didn't really slip and "fall" onto these objects!

1
A Key

Have you searched high and low for your car keys but can't find them?
Don't forget to check your bum!

2
Vibrator and Salad Tongs

It doesn't take a detective to crack this case. Getting a vibrator stuck in
his bum wasn't enough to send this man to the ER.  He simply attempted to
remove the stuck object by using a pair of salad tongs. Trouble is, then
the tongs got stuck, too!

3
Live Ammunition

This is his story, and he's sticking with it:
A London WW2 veteran was plagued with terrible hemorrhoids, so he used a
live artillery shell to push the hemorrhoids up into his rectum.  One day,
he pushed too far.
The ammo became stuck in his anus, and when he went to the ER to get it
removed,
he admitted that the shell was live and could explode at any time.
A bomb squad was brought to the hospital to assist in the removal of the
shell

4
Peanut Butter Jar

What, no jelly?

5
A Bottle of Perfume

A 39-year-old married white male lawyer went to the ER to get a bottle of
Impulse Body Spray removed from his anus.  This was not the first time he
had inserted this object, but this time it got stuck. After trying to reach
it using a back-scratcher, he eventually had to go have it removed by a
doctor.
No word on whether or not his wife got her perfume back.

6
A Ringing Cell Phone

A lawyer (what is it with lawyers?) from Georgia was reportedly showering
with his cell phone, when he slipped and fell, getting the phone lodged
firmly up his backside.  During the surgery to remove the phone, the device
rang three more times

7
A Pint Glass

Bottoms up!

8
A Flashlight

Maybe he was using the flashlight to find his car keys. What? It's dark in
there.
9
A Toy Car

This incident was not an accident, it was intentional.
The late Ryan Dunn of the television show Jackass intentionally inserted a
Matchbox car into his rectum just to mess with the ER doctors

10
A Cement Enema

We saved the weirdest story for last. During a kinky s*x session,
two homos*xual men decided to try something new. One man lay down and let
the other man pour liquid cement into his anus using a funnel.
Yes, really. Naturally, the cement didn't stay liquid for long,
and when it hardened it became a huge mass of cement that had to be
surgically removed.

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Subject: 10 Shocking S*xual Traditions

1 The Zambians: The semen-drinking tribe - Papua, New Guinea

To become a man in this primitive tribe, boys are removed from the presence
of all females at the age of seven, living with other males for ten years.
During the ten years, the skin is pierced to remove any contamination
brought upon by women.
For the same reason, they also regularly incur nose-bleeding and vomiting
caused by consuming large amounts of sugarcane. To top it off, they are
required to ingest the semen of their elders, which is thought to sustain
growth and strength.
When they are finally introduced back into the tribe, they continue to
engage in nose-bleeding at the same time as their wives' menstrual cycles.

2
The Mardudjara: Intimate cutting rituals to achieve manhood - Australia

The first portion of this Mardudjara Aboriginal rite involves a barbaric
circ*mcision followed by the circ*mcised male ingesting his own foreskin. 
After he heals up,
the penis is then cut lengthwise on the underside, sometimes all the way to
the scrotum.
Blood is then dripped over a fire in order to purify it.  From then on, the
male will urinate from the underside of his penis instead of the urethra.
The real question, however, is how does destroying a boy's 'manhood' bring
him into manhood?

3
The Trobrianders : The tribe where kids start having s*x at 6 Papua, New
Guinea

These islanders from a remote tribe in Papua guinea seem like a case study
in the ultimate consequences of the s*xual revolution: girls want s*x just
as much as guys, and kids start having s*x at a very young age 6-8 for the
girls and 10-12 for the guys with no social stigma.
There are few customs about dating to inhibit hooking up? and, of course,
revealing clothing has been taken to its limit, with girls actually going
topless.
However, while everybody is having s*x whenever they want, premarital
meal-sharing is a big no-no.
You're not supposed to go out for dinner together until after you get
married.

4
Saut d'Eau: The city where you may witness rituals of voodoo and love -
Haiti

If you travel to Haiti and visit the waterfalls of Saut d'Eau during the
month of July, you may witness quite a risqué ritual.
Voodoo practitioners make this journey each summer to worship the goddess
of love. Pretty normal stuff, right? Wrong.
Picture a bunch of buck-naked people twisting and wriggling around in mud
mixed with the blood of sacrificed animals,
with cow and goat heads thrown into the mix. I'm sure there's nothing like
it if you're an exhibitionism lover. (Source)

5
The Nepalese: A community where brothers share a wife - The Himalayas

According to an article in Psychology Today, Almost all of the few
polyandrous societies practice what anthropologists call fraternal
polyandry, where a group of brothers share a wife." This is the case in the
Himalayas,
where there is little land available for farming and agriculture, and
families with more than one son would be faced with dividing up their land
were each son to start his own family.
The solution? Find one wife for all of their sons so that they can live
together as one family and keep their family plot intact. Also, as told in
the National Geographic doc*mentary Multiple Husbands,
this arrangement works best when the wife is adept at "scheduling" time
with each brother.

6
Th Wodaabee: The tribe were men steal each other's wives - Niger

In the Wodaabe tribe of Niger in West Africa, men are known to steal each
other's wives.
The Wodaabe's first marriage is arranged by their parents in infancy and
must be between cousins of the same lineage.
However, at the yearly Gerewol Festival, Wodaabe men wear elaborate makeup
and costumes and dance to impress the women and hopefully steal a new wife.
If the new couple is able to steal away undetected (especially from a
current husband who may not want to part with his wife),
then they become socially recognized.  These subsequent marriages are
called love marriages.

7
Ancient Egyptian Pharaohs: The pharaohes who would practice public
masturbation

According to S*x and Society, "even the ebb and flow of the Nile was
thought to be caused by Atum's (the god of creation) ejaculation.  This
concept spurred the Egyptian pharaohs to ritually masturbate into the Nile
to ensure an abundance of water." The ancient Egyptians were so inspired by
the act of self-stimulation that at the festival of the god Min, who
represented Pharaoh's s*xual potency, men masturbated in public.

8
Ancient Greece: Where homos*xuality was completely out of the closet

The ancient Greeks did not conceive of s*xual orientation as a social
identifier the way Western societies have done for the past century.
Greek society did not distinguish s*xual desire or behavior by the gender
of the participants, but rather by the role that each participant played in
the s*x act, that of the active penetrator or the passive penetrated.
This active/passive polarization corresponded with dominant and submissive
social roles: the active (penetrative) role was associated with
masculinity, higher social status, and adulthood, while the passive role
was associated with femininity, lower social status, and youth.

9
Ancient Greece: When pederasty was the social convention

The most common form of same-s*x relationships between males in Greece was
"paiderastia" meaning "boy love."
It was a relationship between an older male and an adolescent youth. A boy
was considered a "boy" until he was able to grow a full beard. In Athens,
the older man was called erastes, and he was to educate, protect, love, and
provide a role model for his eromenos, whose reward for him lay in his
beauty, youth, and promise. To love a boy below the age of twelve was
considered inappropriate, but no evidence exists of any legal penalties
attached to this sort of practice.

10
Modern Iranian culture: Where you can have a temporary Marriage, if you pay
for it

We all know that Muslim practices are among some of the strictest regarding
s*xual intercourse and the relationships between men and women. For
instance, Muslim couples are only allowed to have s*x in the missionary
position.
It's considered gross and degrading for a man to ask any other position
from his wife.
However, in certain Muslim countries, like Iran, a young couple who would
like to have s*x before they're ready to marry can request a temporary
marriage.? They are allowed to pay for a short ceremony,
with a written contract dictating the amount of time they will be married.
Once this is done,
they can have s*x like bunnies without contradicting Islamic law.

I know a lot of people in America who probably wish we had something
similar!

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Subject: The English Plural!

The English Plural according to ...

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English  for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,

boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing ......

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.????

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Subject: Want to Buy That Special Gift?

Toilet Paper: Toilet Paper Man 3-ply 22 Carat Gold Flake ($1.3
million)

Chocolate: Chocopologie Chocolate Truffle ($2,600)

Bottled Water: Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani ($60,000 per
750 ml)

Bike: Trek Butterfly Madone ($500,000)

Beer: Antarctic Nail Ale ($800 to $1,815 per bottle 500ml)

Shirt: 3kg Gold Shirt ($250,000)

Hot dog: 230 FIFTH Dog ($2,300)

Pen: Aurora Diamante Fountain Pen ($1.47 million)

Popcorn: Berco's Billion Dollar Popcorn ($250/gallon)

Men's Perfume: Clive Christian No. 1 Pure Perfume for Men ($2,350)

Sunglasses: Chopards Sunglasses ($408,496)

Booze: Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande Champagne ($2
million)

Coffee: Kopi Luwak ($600/lb or $50/cup)

Sock: Vicuna Socks ($3,300)

Car: Ferrari 250 GTO ($2,850,000)

Cupcake: The Golden Phoenix ($1060)

Whisky: Macallan 1946 ($460,000)

Candle: The Ultimate Luxury Candle ($6,495 with diamond necklace)

Guitar: Reach Out To Asia Fender Stratocaster Guitar ($2.8 million)

Board Game: Royale Diamond Chess Set ($9.8 million)

Stool: 110 lbs of solid gold stool ($1.3 million)

Toothpaste: Theodent Toothpaste: ($300)

Lighter: S.T. Dunpont Ligne 2 Champagne ($79,000)

Book: The Codex Leicester of Leonardo da Vinci ($30.8 million)

Women's Watch: Richard Mille Calibre RM 019 Celtic Knot Tourbillon
Watch ($465,000)

Jeans: Secret Circus Jeans ($1.3 million)

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Best Comeback Line Ever !!!

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old
white male, fornicating with a pumpkin, in the middle of the night.
The next day, at Camborne Magistrates Court, Lawrence was charged with lewd
and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing an allotment on his way home
from a drinking session when he decided to stop,
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around for miles, or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he
stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked
out a pumpkin, that he felt was appropriate to his purpose,
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was
really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
police car, and was unaware of his audience,
until P C Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

P C Brenda Taylor evidence was as follows :
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said P C Taylor. 'I walked
up to Lawrence, and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

P C Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence
..
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having s*x with a
pumpkin??'

He froze, and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin ..... sh*t ... Is it midnight already?'

The Courtroom erupted with laughter

The Magistrate could not contain his mirth, and deferred sentencing, until
someone could be serious.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  the Universe
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Le Monde est beau 7
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Bumper Stickers
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

    ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Cookie
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: For Dog lovers
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: kids and pets
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  Yes, I'm comfortable
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: "Between Wilcannia & Cobar"
 Click here

   This mob of Pigs and Feral Goats was seen near Cobar.

   The farmer put out grain to feed his Sheep,

   But ended up feeding more Pigs and Goats, poor bloke.

   We're told there were over 300 Pigs!

   And not one Gun, Dog or Knife.

   All they could do was watch.

   In all our years of hunting we have never seen anything like it.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  Some Words of Wisdom
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
Some Words of Wisdom

To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything.
      ~ Albert Einstein

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Subject: The 'true blue' test.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

You know you've been in Australia too long when ...
   a..
The 'true blue' test.

AUSTRALIA Day is just around the corner, so there's no better time to have
a bit of fun and take a look at what makes us unique.

You know you're becoming 'true blue' when:

. You add 'hey', 'mate' or 'eh' to sentences.

. You discover that Bondi Beach actually isn't the nicest beach in
Australia.

Now THIS is a beach. Lord Howe Island. Picture: Anthony the Travel Tart
Source: Supplied

. You don't mind driving for 10 hours to see something you like.

. Likewise, the term 'just down the road' could mean a couple of hundred
kilometres away.

. Calling English people 'Pommy b**tards' feels like a term of endearment,
even if you're a Pommy yourself.

. Thongs are now a mandatory part of your fashion get-up. And also a great
thing to inflate and float around on.

A man pictured during the Havaiana Thong Challenge at Bondi. Picture: Eva
Rinaldi, Flickr Source: Supplied

. Going to Bali for a holiday doesn't seem exotic anymore.

. You used to hate it, but Vegemite starts to taste fantastic and you have
it every morning on your toast.

Vegemite, yum! Picture: Stuart Quinn. Source: News Limited

. It feels good to buy a fuel-guzzling V8 car, to fit in.

. You enjoy slagging off about politicians, even if this used to land you
in jail back at home.

. It becomes normal to attend C*ckroach Races to celebrate Australia Day.

C*ckroach races. Eww ... Picture: Anthony the Travel Tart Source: Supplied

. Your sense of sarcasm has developed tenfold.

. Critters that could potentially kill you like spiders and snakes don't
seem to faze you anymore.

. You enjoy sending weird presents like Kangaroo Scrotum to all of your
friends and relatives back home.

. You feel at home dressing up in fancy dress at the cricket.

Dressing up for the cricket is the Aussie way. Picture: Getty Images
Source: Getty Images

. You know that strange events like having a boat race in a dry river bed
are just thin disguises for a booze-up

. You become bored of the sunshine and you wish for a bit of rain just so
the grass can change colour from brown to green.

. The New Zealand accent finally becomes distinguishable from the
Australian one.

. You don't mind eating meat pies, even if some of them only contain around
25 per cent real meat.

. The phrase 'it's always 5 o'clock in the world somewhere' is a good
enough excuse to drink at any time of the day - beer is now an essential
part of your diet.

Every time is beer-o'clock. Picture: Thinkstock Source: Supplied

. You'd rather go shopping for clothes in the US on a short trip there
rather than blowing your money on clothes in Australia.

. You now know that most Australians don't wrestle crocodiles.

. You finally realise that Australian soapies like Neighbours and Home and
Away are a completely unrealistic representation of Australian life.

. Your relatives say 'you sound like one of those Aussies!' They don't
understand a single word you say when you call them.

. You can understand what 'I'm so hungry I could eat the ar*e end of a low
flying duck' means.

. You tend to spend more time travelling out of the country than staying in
it.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

  Subject:  JB Arrested!!! What a shame!
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  The "LESS" Century

   The "LESS" Century

   a.. *Our Phones ~ Wireless
   a.. *Cooking ~ Fireless
   a.. *Cars ~ Keyless
   a.. *Food ~ Fatless
   a.. *Tires ~ Tubeless
   a.. *Dress ~ Sleeveless
   a.. *Youth ~ Jobless
   a.. *Leaders ~ Shameless
   a.. *Relationships ~ Meaningless
   a.. *Attitude~ Careless
   a.. *Wives ~ Fearless
   a.. *Babies ~ Fatherless
   a.. *Feelings ~ Heartless
   a.. *Education ~ Valueless
   a.. *Children ~ Mannerless
   a.. *Politicians ~ Gutless

Everything is becoming LESS BUT still our hopes are

   a.. ENDLESS.
All this  leaves me

   a.. Speechless!!

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  Geezerville
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Senior Recreation

WATCH WHO YOU'RE BUMPING INTO, GRANNY!!!
MAYBE A LITTLE TOO MUCH IN THE BLT?

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: let there be light
 Click here Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject:  PEPPERMINT

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at
a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young,
so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .. but they kind of
taste like peppermint.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: I was beaten up in an elevator

Today I was beaten up by a woman...

I was on the elevator this morning minding my own business when this lovely
girl entered.

As I was staring at her b*obs, she said to me, "Would you please press
1..?"
So I did......................

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  When someone will not stop complaining

Some of you will appreciate and understand this one.
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Fw: Just Thinking

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that
at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it  lives for 150
years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I've  also discovered:
1.    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of  it.
2.    My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3.    I  finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4.    Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5.    Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6.    If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7.    It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8.    Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the
early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9.    I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10.  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11.  Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12.  It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13.  The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15.  When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play
chess.
16.  It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17.  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .. . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19.  Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20.  ? ? ? . . . Have I sent this message to you before?

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: An Alberta Love Story

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to
the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our
tab.
Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and
beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to
run up the tab at Stacey's store.
Why didn't you just give me some money?"
Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash
when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Best man's speech
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Worst of Everything Photos

    01. Worst Sweater
 Click here

   03. Worst Teacher
 Click here

   04. Worst Rock Band Fan
 Click here

   05. Worst Smile
 Click here

   06. Worst Place To Sleep
 Click here

   08. Worst Party Animals
 Click here

   09. Worst Wedding Photo
 Click here

   10. Worst Approach
 Click here

   11. Worst place To Work
 Click here
   12. Worst Hotel View
 Click here

   14. Worst Family Photo
 Click here
   15. Worst Captcha
 Click here

   16. Worst Exam
 Click here

   18. Worst Pop Concert
 Click here

   19. Worst Hospital Food
 Click here

   20. Worst Santa Claus
 Click here

   21. Worst Place To Sleep
 Click here

   22. Worst Job
 Click here

   23. Worst Birthday Party
 Click here

   25. Worst Fancy Dress Costume
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: 7 X Video Links & 12 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

7 X Video Links

Lindy Hop Championships Click here  (Remy

& Jessica)

----------

Old Planes and Cars Click here  (Plus 1

Motorbike)

-----------

Dinosaur Click here  (So Lifelike)


-----------

Boeing 777
Click here 

(Made entirely of Manilla Folders)

----------

James Hill with Billy Jean Click here 

(Very Talented)

----------

The House on Wade Avenue Click here 

(Not what you think)

-----------

The Cow Song Click here  (Elizabeth

McGovern from Downton Abbey)

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:
File links: Time Magazine‚EUR^(TM)s Top 10 Photos of 2013
More than ever, photography has become the predominant means for us to
communicate.
An absolutely astounding number of pictures are shared every single day
half a billion, and rising. And yet somehow, even amid this colossal
torrent of imagery,
the best pictures rise to the top.

Our top ten photographs of 2013 celebrate a variety of images from a
multitude of photographers,
including seasoned photojournalists Tyler Hicks (the Westgate Mall Massacre
in Nairobi),
Philippe Lopez, (Super Typhoon Haiyan‚EUR^(TM)s destructive wrath upon the
Philippines), and John Tlumacki,
for his extraordinary coverage of the terror bombing at the Boston
Marathon.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Motivational Posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Just Plain Stupid
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Weird Taxis
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Lady Victoria Hervey

English celebrity, Lady Victoria Hervey, appeared at the 71st
Golden Globes awards ceremony, in this very candid evening dress.
 Click here Click here Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Baldwin Street

Guinness World Records have named Baldwin Street, in the city of Dunedin,
located on the South Island in New Zealand, as the steepest street in the
world.
Baldwin Street is 359 m long, while it rises 80 metres.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Good Wine (XXX)

Learn the importance of Good Wine (Portuguese) (XXX)
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Cliff Hangers or Idiots?
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Sh*t Happens
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: 6 X Video Links & 11 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

It's all in the Timing
 Click here  

(Oldie, but a Goodie)

-----------

Walk of Shame
 Click here 

(Locked out)

--------------

Ever Stayed in a Hotel?
 Click here  

(Better watch this)

------------

The Power of One -
 Click here  

(Change the World)

------------------

Elias with Ellen
 Click here
 (Pity his mother, as he is a twin)

-------------

2,000 Ducks -
 Click here  

(Cross a Road)

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Nobody Died

This horrific car accident involving five vehicles happened in Mexico.
In one of the cars was a pregnant woman. Her car finished under a heavy
crane.
Incredibly, the woman escaped with only minor injuries. Nobody died in the
accident.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Pussy Cat Tattoo (XXX - ED)
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Could be used on a wide range of machines

This sign would be no good here. No one would be able to do any work.
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: AUNTY ACID

A new set from Aunty Acid
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

"You are remembered for the rules you break".

- Douglas MacArthur.

I see nothing in space as promising as the view from a Ferris wheel.
 Click here
Read more at
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

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[ End friday humour ]

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