Friday humour - January 17, 2014

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Contributions this week came in from Anonymous3, Duke of Barsinov, Sack,
Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang, Digi Maria and anon while those folks in 
northern climes were either too busy being snow bound or sweltering 
Downunder whilst avoiding bushfires and sharks.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Cork - Really Interesting:

Cork Harvest - for the Patient Farmer
 Click here

Have you ever wondered where that cork in your bottle of wine comes from?
The answer is most likely to be Spain or Portugal, where over half of the
world's cork is harvested.
 Click here

In fact it is the National Tree¯ of Portugal ..
 Click here

However, unlike other forms of forestry, the production of cork never
involves the death of a tree.
 Click here

Instead, they are gently stripped, leaving a strange but fascinating
landscape of denuded trunks.
 Click here

All of this takes some time. Cork trees can live to over 200 hundred years
but are not considered ready for their cork to be removed until they are at
least 25 years old.
 Click here

Even then, the first two harvests do not produce cork of the highest
quality.
It isn't until the trees are in their forties that they produce premium
cork.
 Click here
 Click here

Once the trees have reached the maturity necessary to produce high quality
cork then they will be harvested only every nine years.
 Click here

A tree, in its lifetime, can be harvested (the process is known as
extraction) about fifteen times.
 Click here

Little wonder then, that in Portugal and Spain the propagation of the trees
and the production of cork has become an inter-generational industry, with
farmers still producing a crop from trees planted by their great-great
grandfathers.
 Click here

The cork must, however, be extracted from the trees without causing any
lasting harm to them otherwise, 9 years later they will be useless.
 Click here

Extraction takes place in the summer when the tree is least susceptible to
damage.
 Click here

The poor cork which is produced as a result of the first two harvests is
known as male cork:  later extractions provide what is known as gentle cork
which is what you will screw out of a wine bottle, the contents of which it
helps to flavor.
 Click here

The extractors must be skilled at their job.  They make two cuts to the
tree.
The first is horizontal and is cut around the tree.  This is known as the
necklace and the incision is made at a height around three times the
circ*mference of the tree.
 Click here

Then a series of vertical cuts are made which are called openings or
rulers.
 Click here

This is the point at which the extractors must use the most strength but at
the same time be at their most gentle.
They push the handle of the axe in to the rulers and pry the cork away.
 Click here

If the cuts are too deep or impatiently done then there is a risk that the
phellogen of the tree will be damaged.  This is the cell layer which is
responsible for the development and growth of the periderm of the tree its
bark in other words.
 Click here

Damage this and the tree will produce poor or no cork in the future: it may
even die.   So strength and gentleness must be used in equal measure during
the extraction.
 Click here

Once the cork is extracted it is stacked in layers and left to dry out.
Once that has taken place it is taken to be processed.
 Click here

The technique used leaves the trees alive and the environment intact
Cork production is said to one of the most eco-friendly and recyclable
harvests on the planet.
 Click here

Not only is cork easy to recycle. The trees prevent the local environment
from becoming arid and so actively help to maintain rare ecosystems.
 Click here

Not only that, but the cork forests of the Iberian Peninsula are home to a
number of endangered species which would find it much harder to thrive
without the presence of the cork oak forests.
 Click here
 Click here

Although 60% of the cork extracted is still used for bottle stoppers
(despite the recent predilection for using alternatives) cork is an
essential component of a number of other things too.
 Click here

If you are a fan of badminton, then without cork you would no longer be
able to play - it is a vital component in the manufacture of shuttlec*cks.
More sports rely on it too  - the centers of baseball and cricket bats are
made of cork.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Ashes jokes have started:

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What's the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come
from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common
with Michael
Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the English Cricket Team?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the English Cricket Team and a funeral
director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The 18th Camel:

Definitely thinking outside the square !!!!!

A father left 17 camels as an asset to his three sons.
When the father passed away, his sons read his Will.
The Will stated that the eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total camels,
while the middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third), and the youngest
son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total camels.
As it was not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, and
the three sons started to fight with each other. They then decided to go to
a wise man.
The wise man read the Will patiently. After giving it due thought, he
brought one camel of his own and added it to the 17 camels. That increased
the total to 18 camels.
Then he started reading the deceased father's Will:
 * Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 camels.
 * 1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 camels.
 * 1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 camels.
Now add this up: 9 + 6 + 2 = 17. That leaves one camel, which the wise man
took back.

Moral of the story: The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to
find the 18th camel, i.e.
The common ground. Once a person is able to find the 18th camel the issue
is resolved.
It is difficult at times, however, to reach a solution, the first step is
to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution,
we won't be able to reach any!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Amish lady:

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted  to warn you
that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be
dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish  lady. "I shall have my
husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again  I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about
the broken reflector.
He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong
with the emergency brake."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Priest and the Rabbi:

A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating
for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly,
linger over coffee, port and a cigar.  Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing
everything away,
I just keep sitting  there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me
to pay. Then
I  say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man
of  the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this  evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both
still quietly sitting there after a very full  meal. Sure enough, a waiter
comes over and asks them to pay.

The priest just says:  "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the  rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

HYMN 365:

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he  Said, 'And if I had all
the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down..

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly
laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing  Hymn 365, 'Shall We Gather at
the River.'

 - life is too short not to smile !!

If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you at the river !

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Scottish Husband:

    A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND

    Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the
pub?

    He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ' Maggie put your
hat and coat on,
lassie.

    She replied, ' Awe Jock that 's nice - are you taking me tae the pub
with you?

    Nay, Jock replied I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Its All in the Good Book:

In my mature years, I’m finally beginning to understand the Bible!
For those who haven’t heard, the State of  Washington just passed two laws:
• Same-s*x Marriage • Legalized Marijuana

The fact that same-s*x marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same
day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13says:

“If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

I just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What goes up a hill with 3 legs?:

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over
on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you
ask me one,  and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to
the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends  E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After
an hour of searching, he finally gives up..

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00
and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with 
four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back
to sleep.

You know  you're going to send this one on.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Luv this one!:

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black
Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch
this.'

He told Sniffer to 'Search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the  policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number
and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to cr*p all over his seat.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going  on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Only in the U.S.:

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody
of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and appealed to the judge that since she had
brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his
justification.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied,
"Your
Honor,when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out,
does the Coke belong to me, or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Peter Kay:

I LOVE Peter Kay!! English comedy at its best!!

It is so easy to mishear the lyrics with the modern singers.

turn the sound up ..
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Queen Elizabeth prepares to welcome home The Ashes Team:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Best religion?:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

MAXINE TALKS ABOUT THE CURRENT MANITOBA WEATHER!:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Body Paint -- HOLY COW!!:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

It's Only Paint
Body painting by a 19 year old Japanese girl.

Warning! This is so well-done it's almost creepy.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Diapers:

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies,
while undergarments for old people are called Depends:

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Terrorist Set Free and Given a Car to get back home:
 Click here Click here

What in the world is going on?
Releasing a terrorist and giving him money and a car - what next?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How to ask a girl for a date:

Gently, touch her hand
        and ...
show her that you care.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Female Hypnotist:

Stare deeply into her eyes and soon you will feel very relaxed and perhaps
even drowsy.
Guaranteed to work.
 Click here

Well of course it didn't work. Her eyes damn it, her eyes!!
I should have known better, you have never followed instructions before.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gimme a break:

Between Christmas and Easter, it's only fair that there is time for heathen
worship.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Australia Day:

Another way to love your lamb.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Funnies:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Lawnmower:
 Click here
Lawnmower (Oldie, but a Goodie)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

French Jewellery (X):
 Click here

You don't need to understand French

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Safety Question (X):
 Click here

Is that heater too close to the wall?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ladies:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Video Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Names of Things -
 Click here 

(48 of them)

Christmas Dinner -
 Click here 

(Funny)

Prague Roller Coaster -
 Click here 

(not for me)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sushi Art:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

President's Day:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

President's Day is always celebrated on the third Monday of February, and
the Mount
Rushmore National Memorial, a sculpture carved into the granite near
Keystone, South Dakota,
seemed most appropriate to celebrate it.
Each of the 60 foot sculpted heads were carved into the granite, mostly by
blasting with dynamite,
to depict U.S. Presidents George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore
Roosevelt, and
Abraham Lincoln. Together, these Founding Fathers represent the first 130
years of American history. No a single worker died, during the 14 year
construction period.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Having a Bad Day?:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Video Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Bill Cosby -
 Click here (Kids

say the darndest things)

USO Christmas Convoy -
 Click here
(in Afghanistan)

A Place in the Choir -
 Click here
(Celtic Thunder)

Doritos Ad -
 Click here 

(Finger Cleaner)

Bolero at Southbank  Brisbane -
 Click here
(Queensland Symphony Orchestra. Watch little drummer at the end)

Rope Skipping -
 Click here 

(Hungary World Champions)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Conjoined Grey Whale Calves:
 Click here Click here

It's real, but not a two-headed whale - it's conjoined twin grey whale
calves - something which has never been doc*mented before.

They're 7 feet long, as compared to the normal 12- to 16-foot length of
newborn grey whales,
which suggests they were probably miscarried, although they would never
have been able to survive in the wild anyway.

Did this have anything to do with Fukushima?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Rare Historical Photos:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Train vs Minivan:
 Click here
Close contest, but I think the train just won.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gum Balls:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Hot Dog:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Mohammad's first day at school:
 Click here

  Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
  "What's your name?" asked the teacher.
  "Mohammad," he replied.
  "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be
  known as Frank."
  Mohammad returned home after school.
  "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
  "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Frank."
  "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents,
  your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
  And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
  The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his
  bruises. "What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.
  "Well miss, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two
Arabs.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

An Afghanistan Diplomat - Priceless!:

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined
and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses,
salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to
fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"But a man is sitting on the well!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

My Wishes for You in 2014:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

My Wishes for You in 2014...

1. Stay out of trouble.

2. Aim for greater heights.

3. Stay focused on your job.

4. Exercise and maintain good health.

5. Practice team work.

6. Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back. Take your time trusting
others.

7. Save for rainy days.

8. Relax.

9. Always take out time to smile.

10. Realize that nothing is impossible ..

and finally

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your
lips!
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy
May the problems you had, forget your home address!

May 2014 be a wonderful year for you.

Blessings.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Best line ever, it's gotta work:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Abdullah:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (January 10, 2014)  Index Next (January 24, 2014)