Friday humour - December 27, 2013

[ from Steve @ Bluehaze ]

I trust you all had a great Xmas and have plans for a good New Year. I had
too much food, excellent family company, and thoroughly enjoyed watching
the Poms get another lesson at the MCG. Here comes 2014 ....

This week's modest assemblage arrives courtesy of Arfermo, Burnout, Duke of
Barsinov, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang and a
singular anonymous. Enjoy!

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Smart dog drives
 Click here

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The Amazing Machine - Merry Christmas!!
 Click here

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Another use for toilet roll tubes
 Click here

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Frozen clip
 Click here

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Lucky Escape
 Click here

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Irish Dog Trials.
 Click here

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Who doesn't love the IRISH?

Paddy texts his wife...
Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.
If I'm not back in 20 minutes, read this message again."

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Loud Music...

Life just gets better as you get older...
I was in a Starbucks Coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling,
and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud. So to get relief and
reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I
suddenly remembered that I was listening to my I-pod.

This is what happens when old people start using new technology.  ;~)

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Husband Wanted

A lonely widow, age 60 decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME.
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman
sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said,  "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you, you have no legs!"

The old man smiled,  "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted,   "You don't have any arms either!"

Again, the old man smiled,  "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently,  "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,  "Rang the doorbell
didn't I?"

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Lost in Arkansas


Bob, a young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New
York Times.  His first assignment was to write a brief human interest
story.  An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas
he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmers house and decided this would be
a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was
there.  The farmer (named Farmer D*ck) agreed to answer his questions.

Bob asked farmer D*ck what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer D*ck replied, “One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep.  We all
formed a posse and found it.  After we all had s*x with it, we took it back
to the farmer that lost it.”;

“I can’t print that,” said Bob the reporter, “Is there another
event that made you really happy?” Farmer D*ck thought for a minute and
said, “Yep.  One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She
was a good-lookin’ young girl.  We all formed a posse and found her. 
After all of us had s*x with her, we took her back to her daddy..”;

Again Bob knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a
different tack.  He asked Farmer D*ck, “Is there any event in your life
that has made you really sad?”;

Farmer D*ck hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once".

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A woman in labour is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital
bed.  He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but
NO, you said that would hurt!"

     ******************************************************

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent
another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on
liposuction for her and she couldn't  thank me enough!  But I spend 50
bucks on a bl*wjob for myself and she goes f*cking nuts!!! Women, I can't
figure them out!.

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't
mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The
daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either,
but this is a pussy  ... not a f*cking photo-copier.

  *****************************************************************

A blond and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her
boyfriend in a flower shop. "Just great," the brunette complained to the
blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers." The
blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?" The brunette replies, "Because
now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread, and my feet
up in the air." "Why?" asked the  blond, "Don't you have a vase?"

  *****************************************************************

A Little kid catches his Mom and Dad having s*x. He says, "What are you
doing?" His father says, "We are making you a little brother." The boy
answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

  **********************************************************************

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having s*x, like;
"I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache,  I'm your sister ..."

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Dear Dr.  Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's wife sunbathing
topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my
wife was just standing there, arms folded ... watching me. Is she a pervert
or what?

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Backwards Bike Riding -
 Click here
(Nice Scenery of Norway)

Drum Pants -
 Click here
(Take them out of the box and Play)

Passport -
 Click here
(Magnus leaves Home)

Buy Dupe -
 Click here
(Buy Nothing)

Skateboard Rider -
 Click here
(Hits Cow)

Popular Science Ads -
 Click here
(November 1923 Edition)

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A nana nap about to end !! this is why I have dogs instead of cats. [XXX]
 Click here

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Christmas Jepp Chart
 Click here

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How to prevent closed eyes in a photo [XXX]
 Click here

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Thong Literature. [XXX]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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That Airplane seat you NEVER get.
 Click here

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10 Worst Ways to Die
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Bananas
 Click here
A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the
Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Innisfail,
in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my
dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas."

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They made the News
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Santa and His Reindeer
 Click here

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My recipe said to let the bird chill in the sink for a few hours!
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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