Friday humour - December 20, 2013

Gussius @ Bluehaze

From all of us at Friday Humour, we wish you and your family a very Merry
Christmas. We hope that you have enjoyed the jokes and other non-pc stuff
that we send out each week.

Take good care of yourself and those around you over the festive season so
that we can once again annoy youse buggers in the New Year.

Hoping Santa brings to you your hearts desire, batteries not included.
Enjoy your time with your friends & family, particularly the ones who will
shout you a drink. They will provide you with memories that will last a
lifetime  ie they will never live it down.

Contributors this Christmas edition who have at last recovered from seeing
their mum kissing Santa Claus include Anonymous3, Burnout, Nottingham Smithie, 
Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Wizzbang, Anatinus, Cartographer Chris, Digi Maria, 
Duke of Barsinov and anon.

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Veterinarian and his son rescue a 10 Point Buck:

Live, antler-locked deer are an uncommon sight for hunters, but they
frequently have the courtesy to be on dry land for outdoorsmen looking to
lend a hand.
In the video below, hunter Charlie Anderson and his son Adam came across an
antler-locked buck struggling with its deceased opponent in what appears to
be a small lake. As the deer desperately tried to keep its head above the
water, the Andersons gave the entangled antlers a few whacks from an ax to
free the live buck.
 Click here

We attempted to reach Charlie Anderson-who is a veterinarian-for an
interview, but was told that he is currently still on vacation. It is,
after all, deer season.

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Finally, the secret to being the perfect housewife and keeping my house
clean:
 Click here

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Christmas Tree Harvest:
 Click here

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This is lovely, do have your sound on:

I do remember what it felt like to just be alive - to run in the grass and
feel free, but sadly inland revenue and the age process ruined all of that
 Click here

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QUIZ on Australia:

Best score I have ever had -21/25! GG Right-o you lot, reckon you know a
bit about Oz?
Have a gander at this site and see how you fare.
 Click here

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Joke of the Day:

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and s*x if
he wants to get into heaven.

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.

"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the
wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender
legs, I pulled her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and made love
to her right then and there. ".

"They don't like that in heaven", said God....

The man replied: "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"

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This happened recently:

Best publicity for West Jet ever!
This is wonderful.  Just watch the faces of the children.
I think there were  converts amongst the Mums and Dads as well!!

Watch in Full Screen.
 Click here

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Smart Irishman:

AYE,,,,,,,, AN  YE  CANNA  DENY  AN  IRISHMAN  FOR BEING  SMARTER WHEN HE
NEEDS TO BE,,,,

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said,
'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

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thought you might enjoy this ...:

Short MED SCHOOL EXAM

When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this
question:

"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body
that is most useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Parliament.

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Farting at Tiffany's:

A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S ...

SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO
INSPECT
IT... AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...

VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER
LITTLE
WHOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A
SALESMAN
STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...GOOD LOOKING AS WELL ..

COOL AS A CUC*MBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A
PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, "GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU
TODAY???"

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW
MISSED HER
LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, "SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY
BRACELET?"
HE ANSWERS, "MADAM ... IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT,  YOU'RE GOING TO
SH*T WHEN I
TELL YOU THE PRICE ...."

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Loud Music...

Life just gets better as you get older...
I was in a Starbucks Coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling,
and I realized that
I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud. So to get relief and
reduce embarrassment
I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I
suddenly remembered that I was listening to my I-pod.

This is what happens when old people start using new  technology.  ;~)

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Banned Ads:

Banned Condom Ad -
 Click here 

(Australian)
or try this link:
 Click here

Banned Commercials -
 Click here
(for 2013)

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Fuel to the Forces..... WW II PIPE LINE:

You may have already known of this, but I sure didn't. In spite of watching
film about WW II and the European theater, I never thought to wonder how
all the military vehicles were supplied with fuel. They sure couldn't just
stop at the corner station and fill up their tank or jeep gas tank. I found
this film fascinating.
 Click here

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Pension update:

Fantastic News concerning Pensions and Benefits in Australia.

 ǐ        


   ϐ    ǐ  .    ǐ    
        ϐ   ǐ  .    
     ϐ   ǐ       
 

       ϐ    ǐ    
   ǁ  

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know,

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SCOTCH AND WATER:

Scotch  with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders  a Scotch with two drops
of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she  says, "I'm on this
cruise to celebrate my  80th birthday and it's today..."

The  bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday,  I'll buy you a
drink.  In fact, this one is on me."

As  the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her  right says, "I would
like to buy you a drink,
too."

The old woman says, "Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops
of water."

"Coming up,"  says the bartender.

As she finishes that  drink, the man to her left says, "I would like  to
buy  you  one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank  you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water."

"Coming  right up," the bartender says.  As he  gives her the drink, he
says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only  two drops
of water?"

The old woman  replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've  learned how to
hold your liquor.
Holding  your water, however, is a whole other  issue."

 OLD  IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do  both!'

 OLD  IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on  your new alligator shoes and you're 
barefoot.

 OLD  IS WHEN...
A s*xy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage 
door.

 OLD  IS WHEN...
Going  braless pulls all the wrinkles out of  your face.

 OLD  IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the  doctor instead of by the  police

 OLD  IS WHEN...
'Getting  a little action' means you don't need to  take any FIBRE today.

 OLD  IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the PARKING LOT.

 OLD'  IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up  to  use the  bathroom.

 AND

 OLD  IS WHEN....
You  are not sure these are jokes?

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Prayer for grandpa:
 Click here

PRAYER FOR GRANDPA
This is just too beautiful not to share.

Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's
computer. Amen

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Holiday Greeting from the Barbershop Harmony Society:
 Click here

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Never too late to learn something new:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Humor for Wednesday:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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MAN ASSISTS WILLING DOLPHIN:

Another great reason to go scuba diving

On a night-time dive near Hawaii, 2 divers were found by a bottlenose
dolphin and it started to swim around them over and over again. When
looking closer, one of them discovered the reason for this strange
behaviour - the dolphin had a fishing line hooked around it, hindering its
ability to swim.

They cut him free, and the dolphin swam away. The fact that a dolphin would
come to humans for help maybe evidence of its' intelligence, as most
injured animals would never come close to a human.  This is amazing to
watch and a life-time experience for those two divers.

3:14 Minute Video - Best Viewed Full Screen:
 Click here

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New Christmas song for you all to learn...:

I love what the message is in this song. It sticks it to all those who say
we should be politically correct and not offends others with our faith,
beliefs and celebrations of what we believe in.
Should be more songs like this.

We should send this song to all our Friends.
Pass it on to our Government and the limp wristed Bureaucrats.
The big Department Stores and Banks.
Woolworths, Coles, Target, K Mart, Aldi.
To let them know that we celebrate as we wish and we are a Christian
country.
Merry Christmas!
Please turn your sound up, sit back, the song says it all.
 Click here

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Glass walk way in China's Mountains:
 Click here

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One of the Best Commercials:

You'll NEVER guess what this is a commercial for. . .

Never in a million years would I have guessed this!
Try and guess what this commercial is for BEFORE it ends. It's one of the
best ads I've ever seen
 Click here
clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef
&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0>

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FATHERS:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

when its their turn to watch the children

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Do you have the new Google Calendar yet?: [XXX]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

To help you stay abreast of your calendar dates!

Aren't you pleased that Google are to introduce a 17 month from 2014
!!!!!!!!!!

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Some Humor for all us Average Dupes, or "Avoirdupois" in French:
 Click here

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A little levity to kick the season off:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Confucius is still right:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

CONFUCIUS SAYS ...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Finally,  CONFUCIUS DID SAY  ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

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A Christmas Story:
 Click here

Ya learn something new every day!!!

Four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and
a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little
glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found
the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to
the door, yanked it open,
and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't
this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

Merry Christmas!!

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Christmas Funnies to get you in the mood!!:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Some old, many new . . .

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You'll never look at these logos the same:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AT THESE LOGOS THE SAME WAY EVER AGAIN.

Do you see the arrow between the "E" and "x" ? I had never noticed it
before.

================================

The 2nd and 3rd "T's" are two people sharing (or fighting over) a tortilla
over a bowl of salsa.

================================

The world's most famous bike race. The "R" in "Tour" is a cyclist.
The yellow circle is the front wheel of a bicycle, the "O" is the back
wheel.

================================

The arrow means Amazon has everything from A to Z

================================

The gap between the "K" and the "I" is a sideways chocolate kiss.

================================

There is a dancing bear above the "ble".
Toblerone chocolate bars originated in Berne , Switzerland , whose symbol
is the bear.

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See the " 31" embedded in the " BR"? Thirty one-derful flavors!

================================

Northwest Airlines. The arrow in the upper left corner is pointing to the
northwest as in a magnetic compass!!

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See the gorilla and lioness facing each other?

================================

The smiley half face is also a 'g".

================================

The emblem for the Milwaukee Brewers. Baseball glove forms an "M" and a
"B".
This Logo was designed by a college student.

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Calendar: August 2014:

Next year, the month of August will count 5 Fridays, 5
Sat*rdays and 5 Sundays. This phenomenon occurs only once every 823 years.
Chinese people call it: Pocketful of money!
So... send this to all your friends and in 4 days, you will
have a pleasant monetary surprise...
Based on Chinese Feng Shui & Fook ui.  Whoever does not forward
this message... could find himself without a clue of what's going on in his
life... and that's no laughing matter.

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My Week:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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 Now THIS is a BBQ:
 Click here

  PREPARING FOR THE WEEKEND ?

 And the beer is in the tank at the back!

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Merry Christmas:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Dear Friends and Family

 Where did the year go? Suddenly it is   December......AGAIN - and we
realize that with giant strides we started in January and within a blink of
an eye, 2013 is almost over!

A big "Thank You" for your friendship, mateship, laughs and memories during
2013 .
 Without you, I'm sure that 2013 would have been extremely boring.

From our side  we wish you all a magical Festive Season filled with Loving
Wishes and Beautiful
Thoughts.
May 2014 mark the beginning of a Tidal Wave of Love, Happiness  and Bright
Futures.
 And to those who need someone special, may you find that true love.
To those who need money, may your finances overflow
To those who need caring, may you find a good heart
To those who need friends,   may you meet lovely people  Should you be
driving during this time.....please take care and stay safe!
And please if you win the Lotto, remember who sent you this lovely email !

  Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year!  God Bless.....

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Australian Fencing Installer...:
 Click here

 Only an "Aussie tradie" called Bob could think of a name like  this!

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Tis the season:
 Click here Click here Click here

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A mad cat lady christmas tree:
 Click here

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Tickle the funny bone:
 Click here Click here Click here

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Get into the christmas spirit:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Gift suggestion for the kids:
 Click here

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The true meaning of xmas:
 Click here

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Accidents:
 Click here

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10 Foods That Could Kill You:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Frosty the inappropraite snowman:
 Click here

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Guess ???:
 Click here Click here

BET YOU CAN'T GUESS WHAT THIS IS?

CLUE It's the World's Tallest ????? standing 32 stories tall

Car Park
Cemetery
Downhill Racing Track
Earthquake Testing Structure
Empty Building
Hotel
Indoor Tree Garden
Monastery
Nudist Apartments

The tallest cemetery in the world - Brazil's Memorial Necropole Ec*menica
has been home to the city's dead for 28 years, keeping thousands of bodies
in its 32 stories.

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Yugoslavia's Strange War Memorials:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

These extraordinary war memorials of the former Yugoslavia, built in the
1960s and 70s, under the regime of President Tito. His dilemma was that he
couldn't erect statues depicting specific generals, because he didn't want
to be seen showing favour to any of the region's ethnic groups. The result
was a series of abstract monuments, made of reinforced concrete, which fell
into disrepair, with the fall of the Soviet Union, and the Yugoslav Wars.

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Nutella:
 Click here Click here

Map showing the countries that contribute to a single jar of Nutella

Popular hazelnut and cocoa spread Nutella, has become such a global
product, that the OECD decided to use it as a case study, in its latest
report on global value chains.

Some 250,000 tons of Nutella are now sold across 75 countries around the
world, every year,
according to the OECD. But that's not what's amazing about it. Nutella, it
turns out, is a perfect example of what globalization has meant for popular
foodstuffs. Not only is it sold everywhere, but its ingredients are sourced
from all over the place too.

Even though Ferrero International, which makes the stuff, is headquartered
in Italy, it has factories in Europe, Russia, North America, and South
America. And while certain inputs are supplied locally like, say, the
plastic for the bottles, or the milk, many others are shipped from all over
the world. The hazelnuts are from Turkey, the palm oil is from Malaysia,
the cocoa is from Nigeria, the sugar is from either Brazil or Europe, and
the vanilla flavouring is from France.

The OECD mapped it all out. Have a look:

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Crack Shot:
 Click here

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Video Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Got a Phobia? -
 Click here 

(Complete List Wally's Non-Favourite
-
Aurophobia - Fear of Gold)

Get Off the Phone -
 Click here (Rhett & Link


49 Plane Flyover -
 Click here (Kansas

City)

Top 10 -
 Click here (Low Pass Flybys)


Missed One Out -
 Click here
(Spitfire)

Sports Stars -
 Click here
(When they lose it)

Funniest Fight Ever -
 Click here
(Unbelievable)

4 Billion Years of Mars History -
 Click here 

(in 2 minutes)

Christmas Tree Harvest -
 Click here 

(with Helicopter Skill Level AAA+++)

Mutton Busting -
 Click here 

(Kids riding Sheep)

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Ugly Tits:xxx
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Latest Paris Fashion:
 Click here Click here

French artist Siew Cheng, 28, said trains are usually crowded during peak
hours, and everybody pushes each other, to try and get onto the train. How
can I protect my personal space? This idea was then conceived. A vest that
is full of rigid spikes. Cheng said people now stay away, and she has
started selling them for $128 each.

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Why Seniors still need Newspapers:
 Click here Click here

I was visiting my daughter last night, when
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

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Girls with tatts:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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No Xmas Card this Year: [XXX]
 Click here

Sorry, no cards this year...
... I'm sending a tree instead.

AIN'T IT A NICE ONE ?

YOU CAN DECORATE IT,

OR EVEN HANG YOUR BALLS ON IT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

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Bonkin Biscuits:
 Click here Click here

Karma Sutra Biscuit Cutters

or Bonkin Biscuits

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Tin of Unicorn Meat:
 Click here Click here

TIN OF UNICORN MEAT
WHAT'S INSIDE A TIN OF UNICORN MEAT

Currently unavailable.
We don't know when or if this item will be back in stock.
  a.. Okay, for real: you can't eat this. It's a dismembered stuffed
unicorn in a can.
  b.. The bottom of the tin is easily removable, to gain access to the mini
dead unicorn inside. No can opener needed!

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Bird Begging:
 Click here

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Adult Cartoons:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Photos from 2013:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Skyscreamer:
 Click here

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A Husband who listens:

He said: My dear, what can I help you with?

She said: Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in
the pot.
 Click here

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A few wee ones ..... toooo funny !!! Naughty:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Adult Cartoons:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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