Friday humour - November 08, 2013
From Burnout at Bluehaze:
Subject: Wot no age discrimation
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless,
the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed
them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circ*mspect, HMS Nervous,
HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment,
equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to
comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of
anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance
of race, gender, s*xuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on
Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crŤche and a gay
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will
be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum,
sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling
water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The
lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards
This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White
Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain
Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the
Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to
ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in
modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new
legislation from Brussels.
"His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
From: Digi Maria
Subject: One of the best on heroes
AMEN AND AMEN
He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the RSL,
Telling stories of the past.
Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.
And 'tho sometimes to his neighbours
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.
But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For ol' Joe has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.
He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.
He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.
When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell of their life stories From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.
Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Some jerk who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?
The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.
While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.
It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.
Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?
Or would you want a Soldier
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end.
He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his likes again.
For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.
If we cannot do him honour
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY
From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: B-24 Bomber
Here is a video, that I thought everyone might enjoy.
It makes me want to go out and buy a Ford in honor of Henry.
American innovation rules!
Incredible production! Planning had to be in place long before 12/1941!
The Genius of Henry Ford.
This was BEFORE Pearl Harbor !!!
Ford's B-24 Bomber Plant at Willow Run, MI.
Henry Ford was determined that he could mass produce bombers just as he had
done with cars.
He built the Willow Run assembly plant and proved it. It was the world's
largest building under one roof.
Even then FORD HAD A BETTER IDEA!
This film will absolutely blow you away - one B-24 every 55 minutes.
ADOLF HITLER HAD NO IDEA THE U.S. WAS CAPABLE OF
THIS KIND OF THING.
From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: The British Penny
EU DIRECTIVE NO. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the
Single European currency, all citizens of the United
Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the
phrase 'SPENDING A PENNY' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 ....
From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be:
Thank you for your attention.
From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: The Toilets of the World Quiz....
Here is a test for you.
This is hilarious, seeing these toilets of the world, and? trying to
Guess which of the 3 country choices it was from,
Subject: More word power!
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass hole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hill billy.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The colour you turn a after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
Subject: Scottish lad...
A bright young Scottish lad named Hamish had the opportunity to go to
university in London.
So he packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the
highlands for the big city.
After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up.
"I love it here Mother," Hamish told her, "but these English students are
the oddest people ever!
Why the boy who lives in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head
against the wall until midnight every night.
And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night.
And the boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night."
"Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his mother.
"Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Hamish.
"I'm usually up until that time quietly practising my bagpipes anyway."
Subject: Simple Explanation
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in
a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife
telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home...
and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with
Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our
marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is
something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and
find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got
Subject: Two Cows
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to
milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on
the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of
their class at cow school.
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have
You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
You have two cows. They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is
the best-looking cow.
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Many are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Subject: Seniors Leaving Australia
News Flash from offshore Christmas Island ----
The Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the east
coast of Australia today.
This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading
to, but away from Australia towards Indonesia .
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians, who
were all seniors of pension age.
Their claim was that they were trying to get to Indonesia, so as to be able
to return to Australia,
as illegal immigrants, and therefore be entitled to far more benefit,s than
they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners. The Navy, it is
believed, gave them food, water,
and fuel and assisted them on their journey.
We are booking the next boat out, let me know if you want to come.
Subject: Senior Texting Code
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a
need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
If you qualify, this is the code for you.
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BFF: Best Friend's Funeral
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BMHA - Broke my hip again.
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CFMG: Can't Find My Glasses
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Centre
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FFOWIG: Finally Finding Out Where I'm Going
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWTM: Forgot What This Meant...
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
FYI: For Your Indigestion...
GGCMD! Gotta go change my diaper
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
GLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
GTAF: Going to another funeral
GTG: Gotta Groan
HYGMT: Have you got my teeth?
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
HPMG: Here's A Picture Of My Grandson/Granddaughter
HPMD: Here's A Picture Of My Dog
ISOMT: I sat on my teeth
IJSM ‚EUR" I just sh*t myself
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
JA: Just Aches
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LOL: Little Old Lady
MBAS- My B*obs are Sagging
MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor
MG: My Grandchildren!
MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
NMM: Need More Medicine
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas
PIMP: Pooped In My Pants
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing ... And Can't Get Up
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
SCGU: Sh*t! Can't Get Up!
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
SMMIC: Stop Messaging Me In Code!
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four O'Clock
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WAI: Where am I
WDTLM: What Do Those Letters Mean?
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
WTF: What's Today's Fish?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
Subject: Wally's Question of the Week
How the hell did Jesus find guys named
in the Middle East ???
What happened to Abdul, Hamid, Mohammed, Osama, Rashid, Saddam etc.
Subject: Moe Berg, an interesting story
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Moe Berg: A second-rate baseball player but a first-rate spy.
When baseball greats Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig went on tour in
baseball-crazy Japan in 1934, some fans wondered why a third-string catcher
named Moe Berg was included.
The answer was simple: Berg was a US spy. Speaking 15 languages"including
Japanese"Moe Berg had two loves: baseball and spying.
In Tokyo, garbed in a kimono, Berg took flowers to the daughter of an
American diplomat being treated in St. Luke's Hospital--the tallest
building in the Japanese capital. He never delivered the flowers.The
ball-player ascended to the hospital roof and filmed key features:
the harbor, military installations, railway yards, etc.
Eight years later, General Jimmy Doolittle studied Berg's films in planning
his spectacular raid on Tokyo .
Catcher Moe Berg
Berg's father, Bernard Berg, a pharmacist in Newark, New Jersey, taught his
son Hebrew and Yiddish.
Moe, against his wishes, began playing baseball on the street, aged four.
His father disapproved and never once watched his son play.
In Barringer High School , Moe learned Latin, Greek and French. He
graduated magna c*m laude from Princeton‚EUR"having added Spanish,
Italian, German and Sanskrit to his linguistic quiver, During further
studies at the Sorbonne, in Paris,
and Columbia Law School he picked up Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Indian,
Arabic, Portuguese and Hungarian 15 languages in all, plus some regional
While playing baseball for Princeton University , Moe Berg would describe
plays in Latin or Sanskrit.
During World War II, he was parachuted into Yugoslavia to assess the value
to the war effort of the two groups of partisans there.
He reported back that Marshall Tito‚EUR^(TM)s forces were widely supported
by the people and Winston Churchill ordered all-out support for the
Yugoslav underground fighter, rather than Mihajlovic‚EUR^(TM)s Serbians.
The parachute jump at age 41 undoubtedly was a challenge. But there was
more to come in that same year.
Berg penetrated German-held Norway , met with members of the underground
and located a secret heavy water plant‚EUR"part of the Nazis‚EUR^(TM)
effort to build an atomic bomb. His information guided the Royal
Air Force in a bombing raid to destroy the plant.
The R.A.F. destroys the Norwegian heavy water plant targeted by Moe Berg.
There still remained the question of how far had the Nazis progressed in
the race to build the first Atomic bomb.
If the Nazis were successful, they would win the war.
Berg (under the code name ‚EURoeRemus‚EUR?) was sent to Switzerland to hear
leading German physicist Werner Heisenberg,
a Nobel Laureate, lecture and determine if the Nazis were close to building
an A-bomb. Moe managed to slip past the
SS guards at the auditorium., posing as a Swiss graduate student. The spy
carried in his pocket a pistol and a cyanide pill. If the German indicated
the Nazis were close to building a weapon, Berg was to shoot him‚EUR"and
then swallow the cyanide pill. Moe, sitting in the front row, determined
that the Germans were nowhere near their goal, so he complimented
Heisenberg on his speech and walked him back to his hotel.
Werner Heisenberg blocked the Nazis from acquiring an atomic bomb.
Moe Berg^(TM)s report was distributed to Britain^(TM)s Prime Minister,
Winston Churchill, President Franklin D. Roosevelt and key figures in the
team developing the Atomic Bomb.
Roosevelt responded: ‚EURoeGive my regards to the catcher.?
Most of Germany ‚EUR^(TM)s leading physicists had been Jewish and had fled
the Nazis mainly to Britain and the United States .
After the war, Moe Berg was awarded the Medal of Merit‚EUR" America
‚EUR^(TM)s highest honor for a civilian in wartime.
But Berg refused to accept, as he couldn‚EUR^(TM)t tell people about his
After his death, his sister accepted the Medal and it hangs in the Baseball
Hall of Fame, in Cooperstown,
Your Freedom Wasn't & Still Isn't Free!
Subject: OLD TEXAS COWBOY
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
#15 Some People Should Never, Ever Quit Their Day Jobs
Kazuki Yamamoto is a Japanese barista who constructs eye-popping works of
3D art using just foam and coffee.
#14 Try Asking for One of These at Starbucks
Within the six years Yamamoto has been working at a coffee shop in Osaka ,
he's racked up more than 100,000 Twitter followers obsessed with his latte
#13 He's Like Picasso on Speed
Yamamoto must work quickly to satisfy customers' desires for a fresh cup of
joe. He claims he completes each work of art in under four minutes, so the
coffee is still hot when he serves it.
#12 Sometimes One Cup Is Not Enough
Some of his creations even climb out of their cups and reach out to others
I'm afraid those fish are not long for this world.)
#11 Fans Say He's Also a Real Nice Guy
In the past, he's created latte portraits of his Twitter followers. This is
Twitter fan Peter Harrison, before his latte transformation.
#10 And Here He is After:
(According to Mr. Harrison, the gift was a complete surprise.)
#9 He Uses Just a Spoon and Toothpick
Yamamoto says he uses two very common objects -- a spoon and a toothpick --
to create all of his art. He pours the foam in first, then uses the
toothpick to paint with espresso and the spoon to create shapes.
#8 Come On In!
The water's...well, the water's actually coffee. But it sure is nice and
toasty in here.
#7 The Philosophy Behind Ephemeral Art
Why bother creating a masterpiece if it's going to disappear down someone's
throat? According to design philosopher Leonard Koren, ephemeral art has
its roots in traditional Japanese aesthetics. Two Japanese concepts --
wabi-sabi and mono-no-aware -- hold that "many things are beautiful
precisely because they are short lived."
#6 The Art of Nature
This is why the Japanese love the metaphor of cherry blossoms. "Because
cherry trees blossom for only a week or two every year, when they do
blossom, there is the emotional poignancy of knowing that it is only a
temporary state of affairs," writes Koren.
#5 Speaking of Impermanence...
You could read this as a sad statement about the plight of the polar bear
or you could gape in awe at Yamamoto's magnificent attention to detail.
#4 We Wish We Knew The Meaning Behind This One...
But, sadly, we don't watch enough anime. Here's one of the many, many Anime
characters Yamamoto has painted.
#3 The Best Part of Waking Up?
It's finding a 3D foam cat in your cup!Amiright guys? Amiright?! Am I?
...Because I sort of accidentally dropped our cat in the coffee today. I,
uh, I'm really sorry about that.
#2 Then There's This Amazing Giraffe
What better way to show off your over-the-top creativity than crafting a
sculpture of the most vertical of creatures, the giraffe? I would have
major guilt destroying this work of art in order to get my caffeine fix.
#1 Yamamoto's Dedication to his Craft is Inspiring.
His intricate and beautiful works of art remind us to find playful moments
even in the most mundane of situations. They are truly joy in a cup.
Subject: Happy Halloween!
No butts about it .... Happy Halloween! You've been mooned.
Subject: Grim Reaper
Subject: Just in case you ever wondered
Just in case you ever wondered!!
Everyone always asks the question...
How does an elephant scratch his balls??"
Subject: Durer etc
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
The Amazing Square
VERY INTERESTING - THE FIRST 'SUDUKO
The Amazing Magic Square -- Created in 1514 , without computers!!!!!!! So
how come we are so dumb!!!??
Subject: This is my kind of Clock !!!
Subject: 1900's fantastic pics
Subject: The Tombstone
But was it a happy life!
Subject: Fw: When is a skirt too short?
Yep, that would do it:
From: The Great Gussius
Subject: self explanatory
Click here Click here
Subject: Belated Halloween message.
Why witches keep black cats
Subject: Mad cat lady uses TV as babysitter
Subject: Australian geography lesson
Subject: 3 X Video Links & 3 X Photos
Click here Click here Click here
3 X Video Links & 3 X Photos
F16 Takes Off
(Without a Pilot)
Distinguished Women -
Click here (1954 of them)
Magic Twins -
Click here (Cut Lady in Half)
Subject: Vietnamese Orchids
Subject: Unusual Photos
Subject: 5 X Video Links & 7 X Photos
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
5 X Video Links & 7 X Photos
Johnnie Walker -
Click here (Still walking)
2013 Pumpkin Carving Contest -
Click here (by NASA staff)
Stanley goes into Space -
(I swear I saw his eyes move)
Daily Mail or Nazi Stormfront-
Click here (10 Questions)
Will Smith's Trailer Home -
Click here ($2.5 Million)
Subject: This is How You Die
Subject: The Old Cow
Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road, and a Limo driving late at night,
hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop.
Julia Gillard‚EUR^(TM)s in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner,
says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check on that poor cow--you were
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but
it appeared to be very old.
Well, says Gillard, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in
that lighted farmhouse over there"
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his
hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.
"My God, What Happened to You?" asks Gillard.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the
daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Gillard.
Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to
"I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
Click here Click here
David Attenborough narrating Miley Cyrus' VMA performance.
Quote of the Week:
When you're bored with yourself, marry and be bored with someone else.
- King Edward VIII
[ End friday humour ]
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