Friday humour - October 25, 2013

Gussius @ Bluehaze

This week's edition is brought to you by the word 'Stop' and the letter
'B''.

In Queensland, the mission is to Stop the Bikie gangs. Federally, it's Stop
media comment about failed efforts to Stop the Boats. In NSW a Battle is
going on to Stop Bushfires to the west of
Sydney in and around the rugged Blue Mountains.

Sympathy to all those affected, particularly those 220+ families who have
lost their homes with the early start to the fire season.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Burnout, Digi Steve, Duke of
Barsinov, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Wizzbang, 
Cartographer Chris, KRP and anon.

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Dogs in Boots for First Time:
 Click here

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Breaking into a Garage:
Yikes...that's fast.
 Click here

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This commercial was banned in NZ, I wonder why?:
 Click here

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The Cremated Husband:

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance
money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the
insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
bl*w job I promised you?"
"Well, here it comes."

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Husbands eh!:

 A couple were Christmas shopping.  The shopping centre was packed , and as
the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked
around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.  She was quite
upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that
she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.  In a quiet
voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years
ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't
afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that
shop." He replied,
"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

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Winter fuel allowance

About this time of the year, us older taxpayers will again be receiving
another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme,
and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and
electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by
spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China ,
Taiwan or Sri Lanka
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and
Guatemala
* if you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

So instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie (These are the only UK businesses still operating in
the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute
that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

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A few cackles:

 Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be
Mary.

 I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 After a night of drink, drugs and wild s*x, Jim woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made
it home safely.

 My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to
hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.

 Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the
window. If it gets any worse,
I'll have to let her in.

 I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To
be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women
happy.
 Nothing.

 Just got my water bill of $475. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a
whole African village for just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

 Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics
after they te sted positive for WD40.

 A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
..
 Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

 Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
Riots....Your One Year
Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

 IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
 And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit
another Thai Brothel!!!

 A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled
LSD?'
 Granny replies, forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!

 A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I
look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
 He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect’

 Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
agrees.
 Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
 Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about s*x.
 Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
 Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
 Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

 Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty
face or my s*xy body?'
 Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

 An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the
wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent f@rt;
what do you think I should do?'
 He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

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The American Association Of Retired People:

KEEP YOUR FROWN UPSIDE DOWN

 From the American Association Of Retired People.

 Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

 Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, s*xy women
who are interested in them?
 A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

 Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
 A: Keep busy.. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the
basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.

 Q: Someone has told me that
 menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can be
found?
 A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way
to Egypt "

 Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over 60-year-old
husband?
 A: Tell him you're pregnant.

 Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
 A: Take off your glasses.

 Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those
wrinkles on my face?
 A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

 Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
 A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

 Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?
 A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the
problem.

 Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
 A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

 Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
 A: On their foreheads.

 Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds
when they enter antique stores?
 A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

 SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?

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What do you say?:

I bet I could quit gambling.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

It's not my fault I don't take responsibility for my actions.

As I said before I'll only say this once.

Don't you hate rhetorical questions?

The creation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.

Never believe generalizations.

Avoid alliterations always.

Just say NO to negativity.

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The risk of booze:

Bill and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
engineers in Darwin, Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with
nothing to do.
Bill said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get
completely smashed.

The next morning Bill wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Pete. Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this
morning?'

Bill says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Bill says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.We
ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '

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NOT WELCOME IN CHURCH:

 A young couple wanted to join the church, the minister told them,
'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain
from s*x for one whole month.'

 The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the
Church..

 When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and
the husband was obviously very depressed.

 'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain
from s*x for the required month.' The young man replied sadly. The priest
asked him what happened.

 'Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to
abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers,
Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal
Thoughts.

 One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way
with her right then and there. It was lustful,
loud, passionate s*x. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we
were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

 The minister lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this
means you will not be welcome in our church.'

 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome
at Bunnings, either.'

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A touching golf story:

 Vic stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an
eternity. He waggled,
looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing..

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the heck is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Vic explained. 'I want
to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from
here.'

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Morris Schwartz:

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his
wife,
his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she
says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard
working man to have acc*mulated so much property."

Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper route."

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$280,000 Mortgage:

For his birthday,little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a
suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard
you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f*ck'in bike.

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ETHEL:

Last week Ethel checked into a motel on her 40th birthday and she was a bit
lonely. She thought,
I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone-books for escorts
and sensual massages.

She looked through the phone-book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Terry,
a very handsome man, with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. 
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs,
and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled
butt. She figured, what the heck, no-one will ever know! I'll give him a
call.

Good evening Ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my! He sounded sooooo s*xy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she
hesitated, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my
hotel room and give me one. No, wait. I should be straight with you. I'm
in town all alone, and all I want is s*x. I want it hot, and I want it
now. Bring toys. Rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your
bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in
chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready! 
Now, how does that sound?

He said, that sounds absolutely fantastic. But you need to press 9 for an
outside line.

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Three dogs at the vet:

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck
up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you
here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a p*sser. I p*ss on everything...the Sofa, the
curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, When I
p*ssed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you
here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
Trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
Carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole
in my
Owners''s couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired..
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table,
fence posts; I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
Dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away"
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

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Catholic Hairdryer (PRICELESS):

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However,
instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express
the Truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of that teaching.

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?

Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

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Ralph & Edna:

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into
the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the
Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her
to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,

'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to respond
rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you
love .... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?'

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Spider:
 Click here

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Elevator:

This morning I was beaten up by a woman.
I was in an elevator when this busty woman got in.

I was staring at her b*obs, when she said, would you please press 1.

So I did.

I don't remember much afterwards.

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HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP:

 DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits,
short sets. Really, really exciting.

 Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will
be my first one, - and I can't wait!

 --------------------------------------------------------------
 DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the
Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

 --------------------------------------------------------------
 DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the
deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored
and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner
with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could
not be unfaithful to my husband.
 --------------------------------------------------------------
 DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at
piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several
large drinks.
 Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with
me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

 --------------------------------------------------------------
 DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

 Today I saved 1600 lives.

 Twice.

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German Coffee :

 Funny European commercial---would never happen here ! This is a
really great 30 second video and yes it would NEVER be shown on American
TV.
European ads are different than ours.
 Click here

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How to test a battery ?:

Never heard of this before but pretty cool, watch to the end, only 90
seconds long.
 Click here

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Restart America:
 Click here

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Wear the Fox Hat:
 Click here

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Portugal's wonderful beaches:

Bloody Seagulls!
Seagulls continue to be a massive nuisance on Portuguese Beaches!
 Click here

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Anti-depressant photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Science At Work:
 Click here

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Best Burger Commercial Ever from New Zealand:
 Click here

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 My owner is an idiot...:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Lambeau Field:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Americans sure know how to do it up with pride.
Lambeau Field is the home of the Green Bay Packers. Every Wisconsin
resident has been there.
It is a right of birth.

Those who attended the game said it was extremely emotional to see the
entire bowl of the stadium turn red, white and blue. It took 90 workers two
weeks to get all of the colored card boards mounted under each seat. Each
piece of card board had eye slits in them so the fans could hold up the
colored sheet and still see through the eye slits. Every seat had to have
the proper card, with no mistakes, to make this happen.

This is what ESPN failed to show you Monday (9/16/13) night,
Apparently, they thought their commercials were more important than showing
this scene for about 5 seconds.

Forward this to as many people as you can so that they can see this
incredible display!

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MGM PHOTO:
 Click here

Here's who you're looking at: (left to right):

1st Row: James Stewart, Margaret Sullivan, Lucille Ball, Hedy Lamarr,
Katharine Hepburn, Louis B.
Mayer, Greer Garson, Irene Dunne, Susan Peters, Ginny Simms, Lionel
Barrymore

2nd Row: Harry James, Brian Donlevy, Red Skelton, Mickey Rooney, William
Powell, Wallace
Beery, Spencer Tracy, Walter Pidgeon, Robert Taylor, Pierre Aumont, Lewis
Stone, Gene Kelly,
Jackie Jenkins

3rd Row: Tommy Dorsey, George Murphy, Jean Rogers, James Craig, Donna Reed,
Van Johnson,
Fay Bainter, Marsha Hunt, Ruth Hussey,Marjorie Main, Robert Benchley

4th Row: Dame May Whitty, Reginald Owen, Keenan Wynn, Diana Lewis, Marilyn
Maxwell, Esther
Williams, Ann Richards, Marta Linden, Lee Bowman, Richard Carlson, Mary
Astor

5th Row: Blanche Ring, Sara Haden, Fay Holden, Bert Lahr, Frances Gifford,
June Allyson, Richard
Whorf, Frances Rafferty, Spring Byington, Connie Gilchrist, Gladys Cooper

6th Row: Ben Blue, Chill Wills, Keye Luke, Barry Nelson, Desi Arnaz, Henry
O'Neill, Bob Crosby,
Rags Ragland

This is an amazing picture.

What with all the egos in Hollywood, you may never again see a picture like
this.

This is a promotional photo of many of the actors under contract with MGM
at the studios 20th birthday party.

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My Final Will:
 Click here

I was sitting with the computer the other day drafting my will and I called
out to my wife,

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"

SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!!"

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No kiddies please:

Guess what this is, before you move on....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

No, it is not an eye patch,

No, it is not a head band,

No, it is not a knee brace,

No, it is not a medical support,

It is from France and it is ............

REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not recommended for water skiing, surfing or diving!

BLESS ENGINEERS

EVERYWHERE!!!

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Something you won't see on National TV...:
 Click here Click here

 THE TANTRUM ! PICTURE WORTH TEN THOUSAND WORD !
 My, My, what have we here?
 The tantrum!!

 Picture worth ten thousand words -"The
little boy" did not get his way - this wasn't in the news, but it sure can
be visualized.....

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Carnation Milk! This is priceless:
 Click here

65 Years Ago.

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy
farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little
compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s,
she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of
all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and
dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later,
a black car pulled up in front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am,... The president
of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry so much, in fact, that we are
here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our
advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

Here it is:

True story! [PERHAPS]

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Will the dollar fall?:
 Click here

WILL THE US DOLLAR FALL?

I sent this to you because I know you're interested in finance.

TO MY FINANCIALLY FOCUSED FRIENDS:

 The Question of the Day is... Will the Dollar fall or not?

 Decide for yourself after viewing the data below.
 I SAY NO WAY!
 Always remember,

 The Key to Financial Survival is to be a Tight Ass!

 YOU DON’T HAVE TO THANK ME, REALLY—IT’S SENT
 OUT OF FRIENDSHIP AND CONCERN FOR YOUR
 FINANCIAL WELL BEING.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A few funnies:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

One for the girls:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Genetic engineering:
 Click here

The Pandocroc

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Uncle Sam saved in a Zombie attack:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A couple of laughs:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Anger management:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What does this Button do?:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Engrish:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Toyota Recall 870,000 Cars:
 Click here

Toyota is recalling 870,000 vehicles, because a problem with an air
conditioner part, that could cause airbags to deploy unnecessarily .
The problem was caused by spider webs, which can create a blockage in a
drainage tube, coming from the air conditioning condenser. That can cause
water to drip down onto an airbag control module, causing a short circuit.
That, in turn, could cause the airbag warning light to light up on the
dashboard, and it could even cause the driver's side airbag to deploy,
something that happens with explosive force.

In some cases, there could also be a loss of power-steering force.

The vehicles involved are model year 2012 and 2013 Camrys, Venzas, and
Avalons, including hybrid versions of those cars.

MAZDA HAS SPIDERS AS WELL

In 2011, Mazda recalled 52,000 Mazda6 sedans for a problems caused by
spiders, building webs inside a vent line for the gasoline tank.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Black & White Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Spanner Man:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

The Spanner Man- near Boort Victoria, Australia.
He does it all by himself from a wheel chair.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

10 Video Links & 9 Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Pedophile Beard -
 Click here

Thief Shot -
 Click here (In Brazil)


Food City Salute -
 Click here (Ad for

Veterans)

The Booster Bag -
 Click here
(Scam)

Cheap Flights - 
 Click here (The Irish are

always good at funny songs)

Midttrafik -
 Click here (Bus Ad from Denmark)


Golf Ball hitting Steel -
 Click here (In slow motion)


Sea Story Juggling Act -
 Click here (Alexander

Koblikov Just Brilliant)

Human Fishing Contest -
 Click here (from 1949)


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Who's Eating What?:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The six hidden penises on the London Tube Map:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Learning Arabic and..:
 Click here

The current administration wants us to learn more about Muslims and accept
them into our culture. So, I'm making a sincere effort to learn to
communicate with our Muslim friends and am learning Arabic for the sake of
'cultural diversity.'

This is my first attempt at it.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Amish discover the elevator:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.

 The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

 The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

 While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a
fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a 
button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers
above the walls light up sequentially.

 They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and
then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

 Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old
blond stepped out.

 The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son.....

 'Go get your Mother'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New Hybrid 7-Seater:
 Click here

7-Seater Hybrid MPV Nieuwe 7 zitplek gezins wagen
Fresh air ventilation system
One-wheel drive
Economical 125 cc motor.
Low capital, low up-keep.
A bit tricky when cornering.
Easy in and out!

No need licence.
No need road tax.
No need insurance
No need co-driver
No need safety belt
No need air-con
No need wipers
No need sun-block
No need air bags
No need to be afraid
Die only once

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Funny:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Moral For The Day...:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why steroids are illegal: Warning: XXX + vomit
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

NEW OCTOPUS SPECIES WASHED UP ON THE BEACH...: XXX
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Senior Exercise:
 Click here

Repeat as necessary.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

All the girls we've loved:
 Click here

This is quite sad, to think we possibly all knew these beautiful ladies. 
NO MORE
BIRTHDAYS FOR SOME

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Funny's for the Week: xxx
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Don't Blame BP for Oil On The Beach: XXX
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

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[ End friday humour ]

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