Friday humour - October 04, 2013

[ from Steve @ Bluehaze ]

Only two weeks in and two of the three primary cast iron no compromise
promises have already been softened or dropped, and we are about to see the
third being qualified. Now who could I possibly be talking about ...
Anyway, at least our Government is still operating.

This week's offerings arrived courtesy of Allnutts, Digi Maria, Diks,
Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, The Great Gussius, Wally,
Whizzbang, and anonymus #3.



Mechanical doll which can write!
An amazing mechanical gadget, 240 years old.
 Click here


Black people with brains on a plane...

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and
speed are decreasing rapidly.

The pilot speaks over the intercom ... "I'm sorry it has come to this
ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison
the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in
order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some
passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start
with the letter 'A'".

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"

There was no answer so the pilot calls,
"Black people, are there any black people on board?"

Again silence.

"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?

Still there is silence.

A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother
and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the
Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus".


This is why Russians have dashboard cameras ...
 Click here


A milkman dying in hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his
wife and the nurse.

He says to his eldest son, "To you Peter, I leave the Beverly houses."

To his daughter, "My pretty Rose, to you I leave the apartments in the Los
Angeles Plaza."

"And Charlie, you being my youngest son, I leave you the City Centre

And to his wife, "Darling, you get the three residential towers downtown."

The wide-eyed nurse, obviously impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your
husband is very rich! And what's great is he is bequeathing all his
properties to his family. You are all so lucky!!"

The wife retorts, "Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!?? Those are the
routes where he delivers milk!!"


A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives, when he
realized that the one thing he had never taught them, was how to speak

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,

"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of
heavy s*xual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could
he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, ”My bike."


Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' (Shane

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein.' (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.' (Peter Bell -
Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height' and 'You guys pair up in groups
of three, then line up in a circle.' (Barry Hall Sydney captain at

Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his
visit to Egypt:
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.'

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is.' (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games:
'It's basically the same, just darker.'

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton:
'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'

Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season:
'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago' (Dermott

'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.' (Mark

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they
scored.' (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' (Luke

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was
identical.' (Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them
serious.' (Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again.' (Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there
are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).

Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz: 'On what?'

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Dermott

'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even longer.' (Dermott Brereton).

And my 2 favourites from the mouth of North Melbourne's Wayne Carey:
"Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your
"No, it's because of the way I walk."

When Wayne Carey was telling teammates about the house he had just bought,
he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the
way of cupboards and benches.

Said a teammate: "Is it in Baltic pine?"
"No, in Keilor," (Keilor is a Melbourne suburb, for benefit of interstate
and overseas readers)



While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?

A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?', he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's face Priceless


Power outage (for the fast moving generation of today)

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down
immediately, it was raining so I couldn’t golf so I had to talk to my
wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.


Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in
two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four
weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


Bees & Golf

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing
her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so
intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back
in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'


Colonoscopy Put to Music
 Click here


Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

'You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the
building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back
into the window.'

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but
says nothing.

The second guy says, 'What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that
could happen!'

'No, no.. it's true...' said the first man, 'let me prove it to you.'

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around
the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator
back up to the bar. He meets the second man , who is astonished.

'Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must have been a one-time
fluke. That was scientifically impossible!'

'No, I'll prove it again,' says the first man as he jumps.

Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street the 10th floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the
elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try
it. 'Well, what the hell,' the second guy says, 'I've seen that it works,
so I'll try it!'

He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passes the
11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... Then his body hits the sidewalk...


Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to
the first drinker, and shakes his head and says.....

'You know, Superman, you're a real as*hole when you're drinking.'


Only the Irish have Jokes Like These:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He
must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down
at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"



A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues
to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side


Last minute gift idea.
 Click here


Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards
him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green
or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money,
and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that..
$10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."


B*obs and more B*obs: 12 Things You Didn't Know About B*obs

World's biggest boob job are a size 38KKK.
In early 2009, Sheyla Hershey of Brazil was awarded the Guinness World
Record for having the largest set of breasts. After nine surgeries and more
than a gallon of silicone, her breasts are a size 38KKK.
Norma Stitz has the world's biggest natural b*obs.

There is a NGO that fights for women's right to be topless is an US organization which claims that women have the same
constitutional right to be bare chested in public places as men. They often
promote (topless) gatherings to claim for their rights.

The left breast is usually larger
No two breasts are exactly the same size, and it is usually your left
breast that is bigger than the right side. However, often the difference is
so slight you'd never notice they are of different sizes. Nipples also come
in varying sizes, not only that, they also point in different directions.

Breasts are the first thing men notice in a woman.
No news here. Research conducted at the Victoria University of Wellington
showed that breasts are often the first thing men look at, and for a longer
time than other body parts. Nothing to be ashamed of since another study
said that staring at women's breasts for just minutes a day can improve a
man's health and add four to five years to his life.

Men can lactate too.
It's exceptionally rare, but since men possess mammary glands just like
women do, they have the capacity to produce milk. When male lactation
happens, it's usually because of hormonal treatments for diseases like

England is the country with biggest breasts in Europe.
A survey made by bra maker Triumph found that British women have the
biggest b*obs in Europe. More than half of women in that country wear a
size D cup. Denmark scored second while Holland was third. On the other
hand, Italian women had the smallest breasts where 68 percent had a size

The average breast weighs one pound
The average breast weighs about 0.5 kilograms (1.1 lb). Each breast
contributes to about 4-5% of the body fat and thus 1% of the total body
weight of an average woman.

Breasts get fat
In your 20s, your b*obs are made up of fat, milk glands and collagen -- the
connective tissue that keeps them firm. But as you age, the glands and
collagen shrink and are replaced by more and more fat. Instead of making
your bra size go up, however, the added flab can send breasts down, closer
to the floor, if you catch our drift. (Link)

Breasts augmentation may lead to suicide
Women who get breast implants are at least three times more likely to
commit suicide, a risk that increases with time. As the August 2007 Annals
of Plastic Surgery reported, it's unlikely that silicone toxicity causes
the correlation. It's more probable that women who undergo breast
augmentation are more apt to have an underlying psychiatric problem that
predisposes them to suicide.

Breasts implants can also save you from death
Big breasts miraculously saved an Israeli woman from death at the hands of
a Lebanese paramilitary organization. The incident occurred during a
Hezbollah rocket attack. The victim got a boob job two years ago. During
the war, she was wounded in the chest by shrapnel but survived because of
her implants. While the patient is fine, the implant, unfortunately, did
not survive.

Breasts implants are the number one cosmetic surgery in the US.
Two million women in the United States have breast implants. It's number
one cosmetic procedure requested by women, topping rhinoplasty and
liposuction. The average age at which a woman gets implants is thirty-four.

In China, you can major in Bra Studies


Retirement Caravan
 Click here


Japanese couple in an argument over ways of highly erotic s*x....

Husband: "Sukitaki."

Wife replies: "Kowanini!"

Husband says: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!"


And you sit there reading this sh*t as if you understand Japanese!

You are really unbelievable!

I always knew that anything on S*X would grab your attention!


 Click here


 Click here


Gender logic
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class..
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...
Teacher : Wow !! What a you want her to be beautiful and calm
like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...
Give that boy a Bell!


Emailing: Wine Opener
 Click here


Salary increase.
 Click here


Laugh for the day.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Gymnastics & Velcro [XXX]

I think that this might be an "oh sh*t" moment. Velcro made in China has
it’s limits.
 Click here


20 Things worth knowing about Beer
 Click here


Videos & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Lamborghini Apartment Parking (Only in Singapore)
 Click here

Animals Can Be Jerks (Compilation)
 Click here

End of Ramadan (Bangladesh)
 Click here


Life Saving Venoms
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Side Effects of Botox
 Click here


Russian Barbie
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
This girl has a striking resemblance to the famous Barbie doll. Angelica
Kenova, 25, is a child psychologist from Moscow, but it's for her
resemblance to the Barbie doll, that has attracted interest from the media.
Angelica is now known as the "Russian Barbie". In an interview with the
Moscow Metro, Angelica says she never has had plastic surgery.


We will move it for You
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Why They Wear Full Body Burkas [XXX] +++ File links:
 Click here Click here



Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, the mother rushed her
to the emergency room.

"She'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through
her system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure"? she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "You could stick her on the refrigerator.
When she falls off, you'll know."


This is why Women have Handbags
 Click here


Friendly Neighbours
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here


Only in Paraguay
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Ciudad del Este, a retail store in Paraguay, has revolutionized shopping,
by offering great discounts and promotions, when you shop in your


Bad S*x Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here


Real Men Decorating Ideas
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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

[ End friday humour ]

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