Friday humour - September 27, 2013
Gussius @ Bluehaze
Enjoy.
Contributions this week arrived from Allnutts, Burnout, Digi Steve, KRP,
Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, The Great Gussius, Wally,
Whizzbang, Wronknee, Diks and anon.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Hire mathematics:
The owner of a business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided
to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from University and
I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.'
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Good Dog...:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Gears:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Travel Tip 47:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
What a view:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Cars in motion (Watch the credits at the end):
A RUSSIAN CAR COMMERCIAL...
This is absolutely fabulous, be sure to go to
the very end.
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY DID THAT SPIN AT THE END?
A RUSSIAN CAR COMMERCIAL....
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
What Next?:
I'm quite impressed with this. Why didn't I think of it first? That's
really a clever application of inexpensive materials, and it actually
sounds good too!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZMqUP_XVco
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
107 year-old film clip:
This film was "lost" for many years. It was the first 35mm film ever that
has come to light. It was taken by camera mounted on the front of a cable
car as it`s traveling down the street. You feel as if your really there,
standing at the front looking down the street, amazing piece of historic
film.
The number of automobiles is staggering for 1906. Absolutely amazing!
The clock tower at the end of Market Street at the Embarcadero wharf is
still there. .... How many
"street cleaning" people were employed to pick up after the horses? Talk
about going green!
Great historical film!
Click here
This film, originally thought to be from 1905 until David Kiehn
with the Niles Essanay Silent
Film Museum figured out exactly when it was shot. From New York trade
papers announcing the film showing to the wet streets from recent heavy
rainfall & shadows indicating time of year & actual weather and conditions
on historical record, even when the cars were registered (he even knows who
owned them and when the plates were issued!).. It was filmed only four days
before the Great California Earthquake of April 18th 1906 and shipped by
train to NY for processing.
Amazing, but true!
No wonder there had to be laws created to regulate driving
habits. This is insane. Good thing they couldn't go very fast.
Look at the hats the ladies were wearing and the long dresses.
Some of the cars had the steering wheels on the right side, I wonder when
they standardized on the left? Sure was still a lot of horse drawn vehicles
in use. Mass transit looked like the way to get around.. Looks like
everybody had the right of way.
Perhaps the oldest "home movie" that you will ever see!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Taken using a toy helicopter - I want one:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Restored B-17G-VE:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
5 Masculine Moments:
Be sure to watch them all!! They are funny!!!
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
The way it used to be:
And we kid ourselves we are progressing
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Lost Churches of the East Coast:
When hurricane Sandy struck the East Coast, even houses of worship were not
spared.
A local television station interviewed a woman from New Jersey and asked
how the loss of churches in the area would affect their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all those other
people, but we ain't gone to Church’s in years. We gets our chicken from
Popeye's."
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
They live among us, AND THEY VOTE.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Colonoscopy -- put to music:
One of life's great adventures!
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Tour de France :
Two Irishmen sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus
shakes his head and asks, "Why the hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" replies Mick.
"Go on them bikes for miles and miles, up and down the hills, round the
bends.
Day after day, week after week.
No matter if it's icy, raining, snowing, hailing. Why would they torture
themselves like that?"
"It's all for the prestige and the money," says Mick.
"You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros.
"Yeah, I understand that." says Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED!:
Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't really give a sh*t what you think."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Want to have coffee?:
You have to see this!
Only in Europe do you see such effective ads !!!
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
THREE HOLY MEN:
Three Holy Men & A Bear!
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as
Chaplains to the students of
Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of
Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when
I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next
week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we
Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began
to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do
with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and
DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED
his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of
the day praising
Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circ*mcision may
not have been the best way to start."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Employee Notice:
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, the new Abbott
Government has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers of 55 years
of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and
reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the new Abbott Government to be
considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (System
Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
the new Abbott
Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependents & Spouse) or
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by the new Abbott Government.
Persons who are not RAPED, and are staying on, will receive as much SH*T
(Special High Intensity
Training) as possible. The new Abbott Government has always prided
themselves on the amount of SH*T they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH*T, please bring this to
the attention of your new elected member, who has been trained to give you
all the SH*T you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Everyday Products You've Been Using Wrong:
1. You've probably been ignoring this feature
Most aluminum foil boxes have press-in tabs that secure the roll in
place, so you
don’t have worry about it flying out every time you rip off a sheet.
2. You've been dispensing Tic Tac's the hard way
You know how when you violently shake a container of Tic Tacs into
your palm it
seems as though you always end up with zero or seven? Avoid that
altogether
by letting a mint gently glide into the tiny lid crevice.
3. Forget to pack a spoon with that fruit tub? No problem
4. You’ve been storing peanut butter the wrong way
Never arm wrestle with a jar of peanut butter, just to make sure it’s
not oily on top and
crumby on the bottom, again. Store it upside down, so the oils
distribute evenly.
5. Chinese takeout containers are actually made to fold out into
plates
The containers actually are meant to unfold into a makeshift plate,
which you can
easily reassemble into a box for storing leftovers.
6. You’re brushing with too much toothpaste
You only need to use a pea-sized amount of toothpaste for effective
cleaning.
Most ads feature globs of toothpaste the size of the brush because
a.)
it looks nice and b.) it makes you use up more toothpaste.
7. Soda tabs double as straw holders
Turn the tab around so that it acts as holder that can stop the straw
from raising
out of the can as the soda fizzes.
8. You’ve been serving juice boxes the wrong way
Pull the sides out so you child has something to grasp onto, stopping
them from spilling.
9. Did you know that most pots and pans have a built in spoon holders
That hanging hole doubles as a spoon rest, in a pinch.
10. There’s a much easier way to floss
Tie floss into a loop and never strangle your fingers again.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Darwin Awards:
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without
further ado, here are the latest
Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet
of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily
run.
Sixth Place:
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on
the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not
reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the
ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the
long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, 26, was killed as he won a bet with
friends, who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into
his mouth, and pull the trigger.
Third Place:
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the
front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers, and a uniformed officer was standing
at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several
customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at
the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else
was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving
around at 2 A.M., so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the
window, to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the
window was closed.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one
of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge
in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end
around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted
40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen.
Bingham's foot was never located.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Laghat (The Blind Racehorse has won 19 Races):
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Top 50 Most Influential Marijuana Users:
Thank you for checking out MPP's second annual "Top 50 Most Influential
Marijuana Users" list!
There has been quite a bit of variation since last year, including several
additions and a number of people dropping in rank or off the list entirely.
In order to have qualified for the list, each individual must (1) have
tried marijuana at least once,
(2) be alive, and (3) be living in the U.S. or be a U.S. citizen. To create
the list, we adopted the criteria used by Out Magazine to select their
“Power 50” list of LGBT Americans.
That means our choices are based on “power to influence cultural and social
attitudes, political clout, individual wealth, and a person’s media
profile” – not just on popularity or support for marijuana policy reform.
Fortunately, many of them have expressed support, but there are some “bad
guys” on there,
too.
In sum, we're not concerned with an individual's popularity, or even
whether he or she supports marijuana policy reform. Rather, the 2013 "Top
50 Most Influential Marijuana Users" list is meant to identify people who
have used marijuana and achieved high levels of success or influence.
President Barack Obama 01 "When I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was
the point."
Oprah Winfrey 02" To kick things off, [television show host Andy Cohen]
asked the last time
Winfrey had smoked marijuana. 'Uh … 1982,' Winfrey replied. 'Let's hang out
after the show,'
Cohen joked. 'Okay,' Winfrey laughed. 'I hear it's gotten better.'"
(Source: Bravo) President Bill Clinton 03 "I experimented with marijuana a
time or two."
(Source: YouTube) Associate Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas 04 "The
White House said today that Judge Clarence Thomas, President Bush's Supreme
Court nominee, had smoked marijuana while in college."
(Source: New York Times) Stephen Colbert 05 "First, [in high school], I
smoked a lot of pot...and that’s how I got to know the people ‘half in’ the
society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I
got to know people by making jokes.”
(Source: San Francisco Chronicle Interview (January 2006)) Jon Stewart 06
“Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?”
(Source: The Daily Show)Jay-Z 07 "I smoked some weed, and that’s how I
finished ‘Izzo.’"
(Source: XXL Magazine) John Kerry 08 "Yes." [In response to the question:
"Which of you are ready to admit to having used marijuana in the past?"]
(Source: On The Issues) George Soros 09 "He said he had tried marijuana,
enjoyed it, 'but it did not become a habit and I have not tasted it in many
years.'"
(Source: Reuters, 2/6/97)Bill Maher 10 "Look, I have never made a secret of
the fact that I have tried marijuana... About 50,000 times."
Bill Gates 11 “As for drugs – well, Gates was certainly not unusual there.
Marijuana was the pharmaceutical of choice…”
(Source: Gates: How Microsoft's Mogul Reinvented an Industry--and Made
Himself the Richest
Man in America)
President George W. Bush 12 "I wouldn't answer the marijuana questions. You
know why?
Because I don't want some little kid doing what I tried."
(Source: New York Times)Gov. Andrew Cuomo 13 "I did experiment with
marijuana when I was a youth."
(Source: New York Daily News) Sen. Rand Paul 14 "According to this woman,
who requested anonymity because of her current job as a clinical
psychologist, "He and Randy came to my house, they knocked on my door, and
then they blindfolded me, tied me up, and put me in their car. They took me
to their apartment and tried to force me to take bong hits. They'd been
smoking pot."
(Source: GQ Magazine) Sanjay Gupta 15 "I have tried it."
(Source: CNN) LeBron James 16 “James also revealed he and his teammates
smoked marijuana one night after getting access to a hotel room in Akron.”
(Source: ESPN) Rush Limbaugh 17 "I wouldn’t have been able to make it
through hundreds of shows if it weren’t for the benefits of medical
marijuana"
(Source: The Internet Chronicle) George Clooney 18 “The owner of a local
cannabis café told reporters George Clooney was no stranger there.”
(Source: The Weed Blog) Mayor Michael Bloomberg 19 ''You bet I did. And I
enjoyed it.''
(Source: New York Times)Lady Gaga 20 "I smoke a lot of pot when I write
music."
(Source: USA Today)
Brad Pitt 21 “I was hiding out from the celebrity thing, I was smoking way
too much [marijuana].”
(Source: Daily Mail) Ted Turner 22 "CNN anchor Gwen Scott claimed it is
common knowledge that
Turner sits in his office and smokes marijuana."
(Source: Cannabis Culture)
Tom Brokaw 23 “…what I did was experiment with a little marijuana like a
lot of other people and walked away…”
(Source: Media Bistro) Michael Phelps 24 “[Phelps] firmly denies that he
takes drugs, suggesting that the notorious photo of him smoking from a bong
was a one-time lapse of judgment.”
(Source: Huffington Post) Jennifer Aniston 25 “I enjoy it once in a while.
There is nothing wrong with that. Everything in moderation. I wouldn't call
myself a pot-head.”
(Source: Daily Mail) David Letterman 26 “I went through one period when I
smoked a surprising,
a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.”
(Source: Cannabis Culture) Morgan Freeman 27 "Never give up the ganja."
(Source: The Guardian) Angelina Jolie 28“… the one that has the worst
effect for me was pot. I felt silly and giggly - I hate feeling like that.”
(Source: Metro) Martha Stewart 29 "Of course I know how to roll a joint."
(Source: Laist) Seth MacFarlane 30 "I don't smoke much pot anymore."
Gov. John Hickenlooper 31 "'As I've already been open about in the past --
and as I assume many would expect -- I made personal choices when I was
younger that I neither support nor condone for others and certainly
wouldn't encourage through public policy,' Hickenlooper said."
(Source: Media Awareness Project) Andrew Sullivan 32 "The blogger and
commentator Andrew
Sullivan was busted in July for possessing a small amount of marijuana
within the Cape Cod
National Seashore."
(Source: Boston Globe) Susan Sarandon 33 "Cocaine didn't interest me. Not
at all. I'm way way back in the early pot…"
(Source: LA Times) Conan O'Brien 34 “I’ve tried pot, but it doesn’t do much
for me.”
(Source: Pink is the New Blog) Matt Damon 35 “The first time I smoked was
at home with my mother and step-father.”
(Source: Weed Quotes) Gov. Lincoln Chafee 36 "In 1999, then-Warwick Mayor
Lincoln D. Chafee won accolades for his honesty in acknowledging he used
marijuana and cocaine as a 1970s student at Brown University."
(Source: Providence Journal) Maya Angelou 37 “Angelou settled into a job as
a waitress and began smoking marijuana with abandon.”
(Source: Maya Angelou (Bloom's BioCritiques)) Justin Bieber 38 "Bieber both
confirmed that he'd been caught smoking weed and apologized for it."
(Source: Huffington Post) Gov. Sarah Palin 39 "I can't claim a Bill Clinton
and say that I never inhaled.”
(Source: CBS News) Phil Jackson 40 "In 1975 he wrote “Maverick,” a memoir
about his days playing in the NBA. Among other things, Jackson spoke
frankly about marijuana use."
(Source: Salon) Johnny Depp 41 "I'm not a great pothead or anything like
that… but weed is much, much less dangerous than alcohol."
(Source: Celebstoner) Madonna 42 "It [my behavior on the show in 1994]
wasn't because I was excited about you [David Letterman]. I think it may
have had something to do with the joint I smoked before I came on.
(Source: Vulture) Robert Downey Jr. 43 “Robert Downey Jr. said he started
smoking weed at age
8.”
(Source: NBC - New York) Bryan Cranston 44 "Pot always just made me
sleepy.”
(Source: Highbeam Business) Miley Cyrus 45 "You know you're a stoner when
your friends make you a Bob Marley cake."
(Source: LA Times) Hugh Hefner 46 “Smoking helped put me in touch with the
realm of the senses.”
(Source: Schaffer Library of Drug Policy) Rihanna 47 "Kush rolled, glass
full... I prefer the better things!"
(Source: Daily Mail) Oliver Stone 48 “I went to Vietnam, and I was there
for a long time. [Using marijuana] made the difference between staying
human or, as Michael Douglas said, becoming a beast.”
(Source: The Raw Story) Rick Steves 49 "I have used cannabis all over the
world."
(Source: LA Weekly) Snoop Lion (Snoop Dogg) 50 “It makes me feel the way I
need to feel.”
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Miracles:
Only the Irish can tell a good story!!!!!!
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub
on the
far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick,
took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat
...and
nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk
across
the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were
all born in December, when the lake is frozen,
and ye were born in August, ya fekin idiot !
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Heaven and Hell:
This is good
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be
redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where
to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having
a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it,
it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...ť
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to
the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted.."
Vote wisely at election time
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Pronouncing:
A rowdy person is referred to as a 'tough', pronounced tuff. Using that
logic; why is a doughnut not pronounced duffnut?
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Remember:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Halloween...:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Ebay Item:
Click here
A very unhappy Mum;
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Gibralter conflict:
Click here
DUE TO INCREASE TENSION WITH SPAIN, GIBRALTAR HAS MOBILIZED ELITE TROOPS
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
REPAIR ADVERTISEMENT IN 1928:
Click here Click here
AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR ADVERTISEMENT IN 1928...
SENT ON A PENNY POSTCARD
1914 Model T Ford Station Wagon.
May 31, 1927, the last Ford Model T rolled off the assembly line. It
was the first affordable automobile, due in part to the assembly line
process developed by Henry Ford. It had 2.9-liter,
20-horsepower engine and could travel at speeds up to 45 miles per hour. It
had a 10-gallon fuel tank and could run on kerosene, petrol, or ethanol,
but it couldn't drive uphill if the tank was low,
because there was no fuel pump; people got around this design flaw by
driving up hills in reverse.
Ford believed that "the man who will use his skill and constructive
imagination to see how much he can give for a dollar, instead of how little
he can give for a dollar, is bound to succeed." The
Model T cost $850 in 1909, and as efficiency in production increased, the
price dropped. By 1927,
you could get a Model T for $290. "I will build a car for the great
multitude," said Ford. "It will be large enough for the family, but small
enough for the individual to run and care for. It will be !
constructed of the best materials, by the best men to be hired, after the
simplest designs that modern engineering can devise. But it will be low in
price that no man making a good salary will be unable to own one - and
enjoy with his family the blessing of hours of pleasure in God's great open
spaces."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Say it again:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Aunty Acid:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here
A democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are
willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Laugh a little, Fun to get older:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Costa Concordia Salvage Operation:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
New Motorhome:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Especially designed for the Arab Market! And they’re buyin’em in droves
at $3m a piece!
The moving mansion can even clean itself. "... the vehicle has been a hit
among oil-rich Arab
Sheikhs - the state-of-the-art homes even wash themselves after a day's
driving through the
Middle Eastern desert," the Daily Mail reports.
But the amazing vehicle could also cater to any multi-millionaire or
global superstar on the road.
It's available in white (shown here).
Inside, there is ample space for lounging.
Upstairs (yes, it's a double decker) there's a master bedroom, complete
with windows and wall art.
It even has its own en-suite bathroom.
There's also a c*cktail lounge area for entertaining.
This is where the driver sits on the top floor.
The eleMMent can expand at the touch of a button to give riders more
interior space.
And there's a drop down staircase and pop up sky lounge at the top.
Complete with couches and a table for guests.
This is the WHITE model
The world's most expensive mobile home has gone on sale in Dubai for Ł2
million, or $3.1 million at today's conversion rates; then there’s the GOLD
model!
The humongous, 40-foot-long element Palazzo from Austrian company Marchi
Mobile is covered with gold and comes with a ton of luxury features,
including a 40-inch flat screen, a pop-up c*cktail lounge, a fireplace, a
master bedroom, and underfloor heating.
Got a spare shekel or two for a poor Arab?
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Motorbike Display by Italian Police in the 50s:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Die tollsten Felsen Berge der Welt:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Jose & Carlos:
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different parts of town.
Carlos begs for the same number of hours as Jose, but collects only about
$8.00 or $9.00 a day.
Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar bills every day. He drives
a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to
spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you
do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every
day?ť
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos reads his sign:
"I have no work, a wife
and six kids to support."
"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" says Jose.
Carlos says, "All right, what is on your sign?"
Jose shows him:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
When real men do the home decorating:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
THEOLOGICAL QUESTION:
Three people were able to walk on water...
There was Jesus...
There was Saint Peter
and there was Pedro...
Pedro, who the f**k is Pedro?
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
The Ventriloquist:
Sound on
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Photos:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Video Links & Photos:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here
Master Pickpocket (Shows you how)
Click here
Canary Islands (Time Lapse Amazing)
Click here
Russian Postman (Lucky we don't have them in Australia)
Click here
Bigfoot Sightings (3313 in 92 Years)
Click here
Had a Bad Day? (Watch this Guy)
Click here
Voyager's Travels (Into Interstellar Space)
Click here
20&WT.mc_id=SA_DD_20130923
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Tiara:
Click here
Since his indiscretions have come to light, several of Tiger Woods'
sponsors have dropped him.
However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.
They are making a new drug called "Tiagra". It's good for 18 holes.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
The Beauty of Night:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
The Shocking Stocking:
Click here
What a brilliant invention! Mouse-killing pantyhose.
These were unveiled in 1941 at the Annual Congress of the Inventors of
America in Dallas, but they never appear to have gone into commercial
production.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Auto-Brewery Syndrome:
Click here
This medical case may give a whole new meaning to the phrase "beer gut."
Stan Doucleff, 61, with a history of home-brewing, stumbled into a Texas
emergency room complaining of dizziness. Nurses ran a Breathalyser test,
and sure enough, Doucleff's blood alcohol concentration was a whopping
0.37%, or almost five times the legal limit for driving in
Texas.
There was just one hitch: Doucleff said that he hadn't touched a drop of
alcohol that day.
Other medical professionals chalked up the man's problem to "closet
drinking." But Dr. Justin
McCarthy, a gastroenterologist, wanted to figure out what was really going
on.
So the team searched Doucleff's belongings for liquor, and then isolated
him in a hospital room for 24 hours. Throughout the day, he ate
carbohydrate-rich foods, and the doctors periodically checked his blood for
alcohol. At one point, it actually rose 0.12%.
Eventually, McCarthy pinpointed the culprit: an overabundance of brewer's
yeast in his gut.
That's right, folks. According to McCarthy, Doucleff's intestinal tract was
acting like his own internal brewery.
The patient had an infection with Saccharomyces cerevisiae, and when he ate
or drank a bunch of starch, a bagel, pasta or even a soda, the yeast
fermented the sugars into ethanol, and he would get drunk. Essentially, he
was brewing beer in his own gut.
Yeast is in a whole host of foods, including breads, wine and, of course,
beer. The critters usually don't do any harm.
But it turns out that in rare cases, the yeasty beasts can indeed take up
long-term residency in the gut, and possibly cause problems.
McCarthy dug around the scant literature on auto-brewery syndrome, and
uncovered a handful of cases similar to Doucleff. In most instances, the
infections occurred after a person took antibiotics, which can wipe out the
bacteria in the gut, making room for fungi like yeast to flourish.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Oops:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Who is Miss Uzbekistan???:
Click here
A woman competing in the Miss World pageant as Miss Uzbekistan, has raised
some eyebrows,
because the Muslim country doesn't hold a competition, and hasn't heard of
her.
In an introductory video on the Miss World website, Rakhima Ganieva, 18,
says she hails from
Tashkent, Uzbekistan, wants to be a lawyer, and attends the University of
International
Diplomacy and Economy.
However, officials in her home country have never heard of her, and say a
Miss Uzbekistan contest has never taken place.
In the Miss World video, Ganieva says she won her sash at a July 20
contest.
Officials also reported no modelling agencies have heard of her, nor are
there records of her at the university she claims to attend, which is
actually called the University of World Economy and
Diplomacy, and her written biography says she's a graduate of another
university altogether.
Ganieva, though, is still playing her role posing for pictures in an
Uzbekistan sash, with some of the world's other beauty queens.
Video - Miss Uzbekistan ???
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Fast Food Figures:
Click here Click here Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Walking the Dog:
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the
passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50
minutes..
Everybody got off the plane except one lady, who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind
because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight..
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot
approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento
for almost an hour.
Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"The blind lady said,
"No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog
for the blind!
Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes,
But they were trying to change airlines!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Old Age:
Click here
Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and
fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter
said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.'
Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.
Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken.' Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send
him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking
the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day
here?'
'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before?'
'Never,' said Fred.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was
overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another
egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head,
and heard.....
"Fred, wake up! You've sh*t the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be !!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Video & Photos:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
The World's Smallest Car (Street Legal)
Click here
Zlata (The Goddess of Flexibility)
Click here
Pot Kills (Man killed by Half a Ton of Marijuana)
Click here
Doggy Stroller (Build your Own)
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
China & Tree Photos:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Stop Signs:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Gotcha 1 & 2:
Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Video Links & Photo:
Click here
Egg Trick (Dom Deluise & Johnny Carson)
Click here
How to Separate Yolk from Egg White (You don’t have to understand
Japanese)
Click here
Cop does 25,000 Traffic Stops (With No Complaints)
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Akhal Teke:
Click here
The golden horse actually belongs to an interesting breed called Akhal
Teke, which is known for its natural, beautiful, shining metallic coat.
Horses belonging to this breed come in various colours, including bay,
black, chestnut, palomino, cremello, perlino, and grey. These are mostly
seen in Turkmenistan and Russia, and are noted for their speed and
endurance in long marches.
Because of this natural athleticism, the Akhal Teke breed can be a sport
horse, good at dressage, and is often used for show jumping, eventing,
racing, and endurance riding.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Under the Red Sea:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
2014 Edition of Guinness Records:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
6 entries going into the 2014 Edition of Guinness Records
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Middle east:
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Sweet Little Poem:
Click here
A fart is a pleasant thing...
It gives the belly ease...
It warms the bed in winter...
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet...
A fart can be loud...
Some leave a powerful...
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short...
Or a fart can be long...
Some farts have been known...
To sound like a song.....
A fart can create...
A most curious medley...
A fart can be harmless...
Or silent...and deadly.
A fart might not smell...
While others are vile...
A fart may pass quickly...
Or linger a while...
A fart can occur...
In a number of places...
And leave everyone there...
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie...
To a small elevator...
A fart will find all of us
sooner or later.
But farts are all bad...
Is simply not true...
We must never forget...
Sweet old farts like you!
Kinda brings a tear to your eye...right?
Why not send this on to other old farts
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Flower art:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Made from flowers in Holland since 1936!
What began in 1936 as a flower parade has become the oldest and most
celebrated ode to blooms in Europe.
Ever since its inception, Zundert in the Netherlands has hosted an
annual flower show
Bloemencorso, with an average 50,000 visitors descending on the town to
look at the brilliant displays.
Creators use dahlias for their breathtaking displays.
Scroll down for video
The flowers have been meticulously placed to create
the giraffes, even down to their eyelids and hair that lines their
neck
Every float is made from dahlias.
This twisting house, which is as high as other apartments,
weaves its ways through the narrow streets
Just by using dahlias, volunteers created this show-stopping piece,
where a startled antelope
flees the clutches of a leopard that gives chase
brilliant - the competitors left no detail out - they even included
the numbers on the
tags on the ears, and what appears to be the inner workings of a
milk-processing plant
within the cow's body
this elaborate fish display, which saw a shoal
of fish whirl around each other - even using light-coloured dahlias
to shade in the light
bouncing off the eyeballs
Each of the competing districts of Zundert - which was the home of
Vincent Van Gogh -
construct their own entry and compete in the parade, which occurs
every first Sunday in
September.
According to those behind Bloemencorso, the parade is all the work of
dedicated volunteers,
who do not profit from the colourful display. A staggering six to eight
million dahlia flowers are used to produce the floats.
Visit
Click here
for more information.
Bloemencorso began in 1936, and since then has spiraled in
popularity, as the small population makes huge efforts to outdo one another
so they can create sculptures like this
Even the meerkats - The curious animals are brought to life, as
creators
perfected every inch of the models, even down to their nails and
shading on their tails
Out of this world! Every float here is made from petals and, despite
being made from such
a delicate, tiny structure, take on gigantic proportions
Held on the first Sunday of every September, the quaint town becomes
packed with visitors
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Underground Fun:
Click here Click here
Whoops their goes the NBN!!!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
General Black Jack Pershing:
Click here
DID THIS BLOKE HAVE THE RIGHT IDEA
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Rio Tinto Landslide in Utah:
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]
Previous (September 20, 2013)
Index
Next (October 04, 2013) 