Friday humour - September 13, 2013

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

The election is done & dusted & it went as expected.

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From: Allnutts
Subject: THE BARBER

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can
get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2
hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long
before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour ,
follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait
for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....

'Your house'

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Smartphone pictures pose privacy risks

Be careful with smartphone photos!!!
 Click here

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Sergeant Major on the ball

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had s*x?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no s*x since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's
only 2130 now."

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Life in Outback Tasmania

  Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

  Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
  He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. 
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

  After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

  'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about
5:00...'

  'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks Thank you.'

  As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

  'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild s*x, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've
been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Passwords

This expresses comically the frustration many of us have experienced.....

Computer passwords

Setting your password:

Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.

Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.

Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty
good?

Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

No, you must get a new one.

I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Sorry, you must get a new one.

OK, roses

Sorry you must use more letters.

OK, pretty roses

No good, you must use at least one numerical space.

OK, 1 pretty rose

Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

OK, 1prettyrose

Sorry, you must use additional spaces.

OK, 1f*ckingprettyrose

Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

OK, 1F*CKINGprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

OK, 1F*ckingprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

OK,
1F*CKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightf*ckingnow

Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used

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From: Sack
Subject: Advance Australia Fair

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces
of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already
had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant
Creek, Northern Territory, Bill Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist,
reported that he found absolutely stuff-all. Bill has therefore concluded
that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE

This is worthy of a read, whether it is really from John Cleese, the
English comedian, or not.
It is an interesting, and apparently British, take on the world.  It came
from a friend of mine in Australia.

Subject: ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE
In case you can'??t remember John Cleese, though I doubt you would, he is a
famous Comedian though now retired but still in many  Britishers'?? minds
as a great and unique comedian in his own way.

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in
Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved.
" Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated"; or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from
"Tiresome"; to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British
issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by
the Spanish
Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "P*ssed Off" to
"Let's get
the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last
300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are
"Collaborate"; and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to
"She'll be all right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The
barbie is
cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last
final
escalation level.

Regards,

John Cleese, British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are
getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Well Known Laws

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to
the least accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal; someone always answers.
5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.
7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
with.
8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, IT WILL!!!
9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.
10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats
are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will
leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who
leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The
folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs
or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle
people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.
13.Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what
you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product
that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop
selling it!
18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an
appointment and you'll stay sick.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: "Texas s*x"

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite s*x
positions.
One said, " think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What
is it ?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and
whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: I want one.

How to scare the cr*p out of people:
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Bridge

Who'??s afraid of a little bridge? ME!
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: 2+2+2=7

You  gotta love him!

Teacher: If  I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another  2, how
many will you have?

Johnny:  Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No,  listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and  another 2
cats and another 2, how many will you  have?

Johnny:  Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let  me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2  apples, and
another 2 apples and another 2, how  many would you have?

Johnny:  Six.

Teacher:  Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats  and
another 2, how many would you  have?

Johnny:  Seven!!! SIR!

A  very angry Teacher:  Where in the hell do you get seven  from?!?!?

A  very angry Johnny:  Because,.... I've already got a f*ckin'  cat!!!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Arab Mentality

By Dr. Arieh Eldad an M.D. at Hadassah Hospital in Israel

I was instrumental in establishing the "Israeli National Skin Bank", which
is the largest in the world. The National Skin Bank stores skin for every
day needs as well as for war time or mass casualty situations.

This skin bank is hosted at the Hadassah Ein Kerem University hospital in
Jerusalem where I was the Chairman of plastic surgery.  This is how I was
asked to supply skin for an Arab woman from Gaza , who was hospitalized in
Soroka Hospital in Beersheva, after her family burned her. Usually, such
atrocities happen among Arab families when the women are suspected of
having an affair or are raped.

We supplied all the needed Homografts for her treatment. She was
successfully treated by my friend and colleague,  Prof. Lior Rosenberg and
discharged to return to Gaza . She was invited for regular follow-up visits
to the outpatient clinic in Beersheva.

One day she was caught at a border crossing wearing a suicide belt.
She meant to explode herself in the outpatient clinic of the hospital where
they saved her life.
It seems that her family promised her that if she did that, they would
forgive her.

This is only one example of the war between Jews and Muslims in the Land of
Israel. It is not a territorial conflict.  This is a civilizational
conflict, or rather a war between civilization & barbarism. Bibi
(Netanyahu) gets it, Obama does not.
I have never written before asking to please forward onwards, so that as
many as possible can understand radical Islam and what awaits the world if
it is not stopped.

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Traffic
 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: History in the making...............
 Click here

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From: KRP
Subject: Bizarre Highlighter Pens
 Click here Click here

Rather disturbing; these pens ("needle highlighters") are being sold on
ebay and elsewhere as "suitable for school" etc;

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: A Desert Love Story....
 Click here Click here Click here

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel named
Alfred with two huge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel named Marie,
who had one perfect camel hump.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby boy
camel, born with no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy
They finally decided on

Are you ready for this
'
'
Humpfree

Oh, please stop your whining
It's a little nice story and a lot better than a lot of the other rubbish I
send

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: The Incredible Frost Flower - Only in South Africa...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Frost Flower

 It is as beautiful as it is rare. A frost flower is created
 on autumn or early winter mornings when ice
 in extremely thin layers is pushed out from the stems
 of plants or occasionally wood.
 This extrusion creates wonderful patterns which curl
 and fold into gorgeous frozen petioles giving
 this phenomenon both its name and its appearance.

 Conditions have to be just so .... for frost flowers to form.
 Early winter are the optimum time to come across them
 ... as although the weather conditions
 must be freezing it is vital that the ground is not,
 so water can be sucked up in the stem.

 As the temperature gets to freezing or just below
 ...the sap in the stem of the plants will expand.
 As it does so, the outer layer of the stem comes under
 increasing pressure, and microscopically thin cracks,
 known as linear fissures, begin to form. These will
 finally give way under the pressure of the sap and split open.
 forming cracks for the water to come out through ...
 and then freeze

 Water is continuously being drawn up the plant 's
 stem while the ground remains unfrozen.
 It travels up the plants external structural axis (stem!)
 and reaches the split or splits.
 As it does so, it oozes slowly out and it freezes.
 Yet more water is coming behind it....

 This new water reaches the cracks and it too freezes,
 pushing the previous slither of ice away from the stem.
 And in this manner the amazing ' petals ' that you see
 in these pictures are formed.

 Incredibly, the frost flower effect can happen to wood
 even when it has been made in to a fence or a gate,
 as seen above. In this case the water is extruded through
 the pores in the wood rather than cracks.

 The frost flower has a number of other names:
 you may know them as frost castles, ice castles,
 ice blossoms, or even the very scientific sounding
  crystallo-folia.
 Yet the name is something of a misnomer: frost is
 created by water vapor.
 Frost flower, on the other hand, are formed from
 liquid water.

 If you come across one - be careful!
 Rather than attempt to pick it up, if you have a camera
 or a phone with you ... take a picture instead.
 Frost flowers are incredibly delicate and will more often
 than not ... shatter when touched.

 Not only that, as they are made of such thin sheets
 of ice, they will melt away as the sun rises higher
 in the sky.
 You may get frost flowers again the following day,
 but unless the conditions are just right ...
 the chances are... your first glimpse may be your last.

Also see 
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: THANKS PAL
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Golf Balls

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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From: The Great Gussius
  Subject: Some things for the man in your life

Some things a man just wants, some things a man just needs, and some things
a man just really wishes he had!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Broken Necks

Responsible for more broken necks, than any other comic book ad!
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Cars Melt in London
 Click here

LONDON, Sept. 2 -- The developers of London's new Walkie Talkie skyscr*per,
said nearby parking lots have been closed, to due concerns about the
building's glare melting objects.

The joint developers, Land Securities and Canary Wharf, said city officials
agreed to close three nearby parking lots pending an investigation, into
whether the intense glare from the building was behind damage to vehicles
parked nearby the structure.

The developers said they were aware of concerns regarding the light
reflecting from 20 Fenchurch Street, and are looking into the matter.

The 37-story building was dubbed the Walkie Talkie due to its shape
resembling its namesake. Construction is due to be completed next May.

Martin Lindsay, who parked his Jaguar XJ in a lot next to the building,
said the glare caused bodywork panels on the vehicle to warp, and melt.

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From: Wally
Subject: Body Painting
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: 4 X Video Links & 11 Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Parking (Only in Russia)
 Click here (Only in Russia)


Lunchbox Museum (Worldâ??s Largest)
 Click here
(Worldâ??s Largest)

Powdered Beer (Drinking on the go)
 Click here
(Drinking on the go)

Military Working Dogs (Nice song)
 Click here (Nice song)


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From: Wally
Subject: 4 X Video Links & 3 Photos
 Click here Click here Click here

Video Links

Jii USB Lighter (Only in Japan)

Jii USB Lighter -
 Click here (Only in Japan)


Comic Books (For FREE)

Comic Books - 
 Click here (For FREE)


Beach Police (Prank)

Beach Police - 
 Click here (Prank)


Rags to Riches Stories (25 of them)

Rags to Riches Stories -
 Click here (25 of them)


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From: Wally
Subject: The Future?
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  "The 793's been loaded aboard Skipper"
 Click here

 "The 793's been loaded aboard Skipper"

OH&S!
-----
They were very lucky in S. Africa with this one and had several people
in the exclusion zone earlier over the dock and certainly in harmâ??s way.

This is worth sharing with your operational , risk and HSEC people.

No such thing as a safe lift.

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[ End friday humour ]

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