Friday humour - September 06, 2013

[ from Steve @ Bluehaze ]

Tomorrow is the big day. It’s the day all the negativity stops. I CAN'T
STAND ALL THIS NEGATIVITY!!!

This weeks smattering arrives via the outboxes of Allnutts, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Digi Maria, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Nottingham Smithie,
The Great Gussius, Wally, Whizzbang, and just a single anonymous.

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Jewish humour, Navy style

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the
wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I
would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in
their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance." "They should arrive
promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern
conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts
of lovely refined young ladies. One last hint: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam,
thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible
knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and
most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Master’s degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate
of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical
Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical
Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut
candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification
on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's
doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his
medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud
of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked
forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four
handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social
circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at
the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself
together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes
mistakes."

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MOZART REBORN
Astounding five (5) yr old! No sheet music needed. Seems to thoroughly
enjoy playing these songs, and becomes fully absorbed in the flow of notes,
as if he has heard/played these pieces 100's of times before! He certainly
hasn't had the years to comprehend what he's doing, nor practice to be this
good, so somehow his brain and finger dexterity have been pre-programmed,
when, how, why is a complete mystery! What a talent! Mind boggling!
 Click here

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Old war birds
 Click here

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Sydney harbour bridge. Great footage.
 Click here

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767 Gear Up Landing

Faced with a flight emergency, a Polish  pilot pulled off a remarkable feat
of airman-ship that saved  hundreds of lives and made its way into aviation
history. Actual  video shot inside the plane’s cabin show passengers in
the moments  before captain Tad Wrona made his incredible landing.
 Click here

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If this doesn't bring a smile then I give up.
 Click here

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Lawn mowing
 Click here

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Survey Poll

We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large
thighs or women with thin thighs.  The results were pretty surprising.  10%
of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.
10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% preferred what's in-between.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grandpa

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"

Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

The little boy answered: "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker."

Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa Lights up a cigar.  The little boy asks: "Can I have
a cigar Grandpa?"

Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Once again the little boy replies, "No, it's too little."

Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some
cookies.

Grandpa asks, "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"

The boy asks, "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Laughing, Gramps replies, "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass."

The little boy replies, "Then go f*ck yourself.  Grandma made these for
me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blonde

A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the
door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.

She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"  So he lets her
in. "What'll it be?"

"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."

He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches
her down the lot one by one.

She then collapsed on the floor. The bartender looks over the bar, not bad
he thinks and takes her upstairs.

When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.

It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a
twenty bucks per go.

Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.

When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door
where she first came from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and
the girl is back.

He can't believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys
again, Darling?"

"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my twat sore."


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The Kiwi slips three biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed. The
baker doesn't notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian:   "You see how clever we Kiwis are? Try
and beat that!"

So the Australian says to the baker "Give me a biscuit and I'll show you a
magic trick!"

The baker gives him the biscuit which the Australian promptly eats before
asking for another biscuit.

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one
too.

Then he says again:  "Give me one more biscuit to complete the trick". The
baker is getting angry now but gives him the last one.

The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and yells:  "So where's this trick?"

The Australian says:   "Look in the Kiwi's pocket"

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Two black guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have s*x with a white woman that your eyes burn,
your nose burns, and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The first one asked, "Why is that?"
The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the Pepper Spray."

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Driver Asleep at the Wheel
 Click here

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Amazing Fish Trick
 Click here

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Click the link below and watch how you can control a shark with a mouse.
 Click here

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Africa is not for sissies!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Life
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Snap
 Click here

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A Man's Mind
 Click here

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Internet Romance...
 Click here

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Funny Place to put the Price Tag
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Short Guide to the Middle East
 Click here

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 Click here Click here

Complicated Concepts Explained
 Click here

Meanwhile In .....
 Click here

Movie Kisses
 Click here

50 Rare Photos of Princess Diana
 Click here

Fire-fighters do CPR
 Click here

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Happy Hour in Thailand
 Click here

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This gives new meaning to the term Towel Head.
 Click here

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School Anti-Cheating Hats through the Years
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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