Friday humour - August 02, 2013

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Here is your complimentary step by step guide to the Australian Federal
election as it inches closer to us:

ALP: Could benefit from collaborating with various AFL footy clubs to
obtain access to any surplus performance enhancing supplements. Drugs may
be their only hope if the electorate swallows enough on polling day.

LNP: Also known as the Born-to-Rule party, has called for fresh elections
non stop for the last 30 years when out of office. They have difficulty
accepting what voters decide. Led by our very own
Abominable "No" Man.

PUP: Palmer United party candidates are nothing like computers. With
computers, you only need to punch in information once. Also referred to as
the Anne Palmer and her 5 daughters party.

GREENS: Resemble a Lime on the outside but make faces like they are chewing
a lemon whilst driving a high speed train in Spain or France.

INDEPENDENTS: Possibly traitors from one of the other parties. If brains
were dynamite, they could'nt blow their own hat off. Alas, they may be our
only hope for a true democracy.

Contributors this week included Anonymous3, Burnout, Cartographer Chris,
Craig K, Seasoldier,
Wally, Whizzbang, Digi Maria, GROPWO, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie and various
anons.

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S*x and calories:

They say that during s*x you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?

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SPITFIRE 944 (A true Story):

Terrific presentation and footage
 Click here

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How German Sounds Compared To Other Languages:
 Click here

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Historical Pictures:

Here are some spectacular photos. Can't vouch for the validity of any, but
most appear to be authentic.

 Click here
September 1933 - Adolf Hitler breaks ground on his ambitious plans to link
all major German cities with highways.   This ceremony kicked off
construction of the Frankfurt-am-Maine -
Darmstadt/Mannheim highway.

 Click here
Betty White at home with her dog in 1952

 Click here
An iceberg photographed in 1912 bearing an unmistakable mark of black and
red paint.   It is believed that this is the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

 Click here
Ham the chimp returns to Earth following his historic 16 minute space
flight in 1961.

 Click here
The rather luxurious seating area of the submarine, The Protector, in 1902.

 Click here
Medical students pose with a cadaver around 1890.

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The fuel tanks of the B-24H Liberator "Little Warrior" explode over Germany
after being hit by anti-aircraft guns in 1944.

 Click here
The Kennedy family leave the funeral of John F. Kennedy in 1963.

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Native American couple, Situwuka and Katkwachsnea in 1912.

 Click here
Camp Commandant Amon Goeth, infamous from the movie "Schindler's List", on
the balcony of his house overlooking Plaszow labor camp, Poland . 1943-44.

 www.slightlywarped.com/cr*pfactory/curiosities/2013/june/images/Or9t9FT.jpg
Construction of the Sydney Opera House in 1966.

 Click here
1945 - German POWs weep and sit in disgust as they watch footage shot at a
German concentration camp.

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June 1915, Gallipoli: a Turkish sniper/sharpshooter, dressed as a tree, is
captured by two Anzacs.

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Dinosaurs are transported on the Hudson River to the 1964 World's Fair.

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The Golden Gate Bridge around 1935.

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Children for sale in Chicago , 1948.   Some parents sold their children due
to poverty.

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Mourners pay their respect to slain civil rights leader, Medgar Evars in
1963.Ă   His killer was finally convicted in 1994.

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Union prisoners receive rations at Fort Sumter in 1864.

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The mugshot of Tokyo Rose, 1946.

 Click here
A rescue boat comes alongside the crippled USS West Virginia shortly after
the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941.

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Two childhood friends unexpectedly reunite on opposite sides of a
demonstration in 1972.

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Survivors of the Titanic are taken on board the Carpathia in 1912.

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Wielu just after German Luftwaffe bombing the 1st of September 1939. Not
only did this bombing provide a spark for World War II, but it is generally
believed to be the first terrorist bombing in history.

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Soviet soldiers stand dumfounded at a large pile of human ashes found at
the Majdanek concentration camp in 1944.

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A burial at sea on board the USS Lexington in 1944.

 Click here
Crowds rush through the castle on Disneyland 's opening day in 1955.

 Click here
A lion rides in the sidecar during a performance of The Wall of Death
carnival attraction at Revere
Beach , Massachusetts in 1929.

 Click here
Future presidents Bill Clinton and George Bush with Governor George Wallace
at a BBQ in 1983.

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Dr. Werhner von Braun and Walt Disney in 1954.

 Click here
The Statue of Liberty photographed during a power failure in 1942.

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The RMS Olympic, the Titanic's sister ship, in wartime camouflage in 1915.

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Anastasia shares a smoke with her father, Tsar Nicholas II two years before
their assassination in 1916.

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Children rush into a candy store following the end of "sweets rationing" in
1953.

 Click here
Soldiers comfort each other during the Korean war in the early 1950's.

 Click here
Albert Einstein brings s*xy back in 1932.

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What is thought to be the oldest known war photograph: New Hampshire
volunteers depart for the
Mexican War in 1846.

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Coney Island in 1905.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger shows off to some elderly women in the 1970's.

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Six year-old Arthur Conan-Doyle in 1865.

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Construction of Hoover Dam in 1934.

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Frank Sinatra asks Lou Gehrig for an autograph in 1939.

 Click here
Harry Houdini exposes "spirit trickery" in 1925.

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OJ Simpson carries the Olympic Torch in 1984.Ă   Nichole Brown can be seen
on the left.

 Click here
A permanent stable cavity caused by the detonation on an underground
nuclear test in 1961.

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Vladimir Putin and his childhood friends in 1969.   None of them have been
seen since!

 Click here
Amelia Earhart receives what proved to be her last haircut in 1937.

 Click here
The Japanese "War Tuba" used to locate enemy aircraft before the invention
of radar.Ă   Circa 1930.

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Washington-Hoover Airport which was demolished in 1941.   This is where the
Pentagon stands today.

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Mark Twain in 1883.

 Click here
The aftermath of the Great Hurricane of 1900 which killed an estimated
8,000 people in
Galveston, Texas.

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Prosthetic legs in 1900.

 Click here
Is this the mummified body of John Wilkes Booth?   No... but it traveled
the country for decades as a carnival exhibit under that claim. Circa 1939.

  target=_blank>Click here
The earliest known aerial photograph, taken from a balloon over Paris in
1858.

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Little Dennis:

Little Dennis came home from his Mt. Isa school one day slightly confused.
His Mother was Jewish and his father was a Aboriginal
So Dennis asks,"Mummy, am I more Jewish or more atsi?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have
to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question,
"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more atsi?"
"What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more
Jewish or more atsi?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle
for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until
it's dark and steal the f*cking thing."

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Women in combat - grenade throwing...:
 Click here

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HOLY HUMOR:

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should
remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

*_GOOD SAMARITAN_*

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all
wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

*_DID NOAH FISH?_*

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

*_THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD_*

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the
most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a
month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he
just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice,
he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to
the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I
need to know.

*_UNANSWERED PRAYER_*

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she
asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked..

*_BEING THANKFUL_*

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

*_ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS_*

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For
several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.
My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always
add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying
'All Men'!

*_SAY A PRAYER_*

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was
being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating
right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook.

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Murphy's Toast:

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands
butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows
it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down. He
rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest
that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.

He won't say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the
floor.

"Well, says the priest, it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone
dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so
that the butter was on top.

No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.

Well, Fr Flannagan says, it's certainly a natural law of the universe that
dropped toast never falls butter side up. But its not for me to say its a
miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people
round, to interview you, take photos, etc.

"An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the
archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome.

The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:"

"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room,
quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very
cautious before ruling any happening miraculous,
ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we declared no
miracle. For it was possibly the result of Murphy buttering the toast on
the wrong side.

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Old Man Scam:

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots,
etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.   This one caught me totally by surprise. 
  Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping.   Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic.   Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.   They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to
McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle.   On the way, they start
undressing.   Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Feb. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Mar. 1st & 4th, twice on the 7th, and very likely
again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.   What a horrible way to take advantage
of us older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.   I found even cheaper ones
for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

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Sh*t you'll never hear in Wollongong:

Some may consider this a doc*mentary.
 Click here

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Misheard Lyrics:

Honestly, I am still laughing from this one!
This is brilliant...
It is so easy to mishear the lyrics with the modern singers.
Click on the link and turn the sound up .......Hilarious!!
 Click here

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JEWISH S*X THERAPY:

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved
an orgasm.  Since according to Jewish tradition/law a wife is entitled to
s*xual pleasure, they decide to consult their
Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes a
suggestion.  "Hire a strapping young man.  While the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love.  It does not
help, and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel
over them."

Once again they follow the Rabbi's advice.
They go home and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves
the towel.  The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she
has an enormous,
room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly, "See that,
you schmuck?  THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

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Butt Measurement:

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the
man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his
wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the
barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife, who completely brushes
him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
big-ass grill for one little weenie?

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The Jewish Quarterback:

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago
Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had
scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the
West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into
a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the
perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the
Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when
the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my
son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads.
"I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among
thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment,
there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old
lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

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The Journey of Man:

  When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big
tits.

  When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
  passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

  When I was 18 and in college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was
  too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen,
  cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl
  with stability.

  When I was 21, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
  totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
  so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

  When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
  her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
  She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
  decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

  When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
  firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
  divorced me and took everything I owned.

  I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

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WARNING:

This morning, the Pakistan Minister of Immigration, Mohammed Omar
Upperkhan, warned Australia to cease all military activities in
Afghanistan.

He stated that if it does not stop immediately, Pakistan authorities will
cut off Australia's supply of Cab Drivers, and if this action does not
yield sufficient results, Telstra Customer Service Reps will be next,
followed by Centrelink Officers, Telemarketers, Supermarket trolley
collectors and finally, Queensland Doctors.

THIS IS STARTING TO GET UGLY
We can only wish this will happen, we should be so lucky.

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That escalated...:
 Click here

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5 X Craziest Crimes of the Week:

  1.. Police Pull Over ... a Swimming Pool: The "carpool" has finally gone
literal: Four men decided to beat the heat in Eibenstock, Germany, by
taking a ride in a convertible on Sunday—only this was "a convertible of
a slightly different kind," according to police. Yes, a swimming pool on
wheels.

  2.. $500K Fire Set by ... Aspiring Firefighter: Firefighters who turned
up to battle flames at a
Florida library found a guy in firefighting gear was already on the scene.
The 18-year-old later admitted setting the blaze so he could show off and
maybe land his dream job.

  3.. Woman Accused of Assault on Garbage Man: A Pennsylvania woman faces
assault and harassment charges over her garbage pickup. Police say the
woman, enraged after the garbage truck passed by her house, hit the trash
collector in the face and yelled things like, "You drive a garbage truck
and I drive a Range Rover."

  4.. Woman Hits McDonald's Drive-Thru—on a Horse: If you're on horseback
and desperate for a Quarter Pounder, you are out of luck. A UK woman found
this out the hard way over the weekend, when she tried to ride a horse
through the drive-thru at a Manchester McDonald's. It did not end well.

  5.. Man Busted After Threats Against Nancy Grace: A New York state man
tweeted a series of gruesome death threats to a pair of newscasters—and
when he was arrested, he may have been on his way to make good on them,
police say. David Lee Simpson was obsessed with convicted
Arizona murderer Jodi Arias, and he apparently wasn't happy with the way
Nancy Grace and Jane
Velez-Mitchell covered her trial.

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4 WOMEN:

Four women were driving across Australia.

Each one was from a different area: South Australia, Tasmania, Queensland,
and New Zealand.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from South Australia started
pulling bottles of wine from her bag, and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Tasmanian.

"We have so many of these darn things in South Australia, I am just sick of
looking at them!"

That made sense to the gal from Tasmania, so she began pulling apples from
her bag, and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Queensland.

"We have so many of these things in Tasmania, I am just sick of looking at
them!"

Inspired by watching the entire scene, the gal from Queensland opened the
car door, and pushed the New Zealander out.

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Funny Racehorse Names:

The more interesting thing though is that every racehorse name has to go
through
The Jockey Club for approval. Generally speaking they try to reject
offensive,
suggestive, or obscene names, with special attention to foreign languages.
Occasionally they miss one or two,
as seen by the list below.

Hardawn (1937)
Nut Buster (1942)
Blow Me (1945)
Golden Shower (1955)
Go Down (1963)
Pussy Galore (1965)
Cunning Stunt (1969)
C*m Rocket (1969)
Ménage Á Trois (1974)
Lagnaf (1978)
Cherry Pop (1978)
She's Easy (1978)
Red Hot Filly Pepper (1980)
Strip Teaser (1980)
Rhythm Method (1982)
Whykickamoocow (1982)
Jail Bait (1983)
Wrecked Em (1983)
Spineless Jellyfish (1983)
Spank It (1985)
Doremifasollatido (1985)
Get It On (1986)
Tit'n Your Girdle (1988)
No Fat Chicks (1988)

Barely Legal (1989)
She Can't Say No (1989)
Full of Skittles (1990)
Kinky Lingerie (1991)
Hoof Hearted (1993)
Hard Like a Rock (1995)
Haha Haha (1997)
S*xual Harassment (1997)
Date More Minors (1998)
X Rated Fantasy (1999)
Sotally Tober (2000)
Alcohol Related (2000)
Pleasure Me (2000)
OHBEEGEEWHYEN (2001)
Totally Toasted (2004)
Girls On Top (2004)
On Your Knees (2005)

and finally
Arrrrr (2006) — which made for some truly hilarious announcing, as
evidenced in the clip below.
 Click here

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Confessions of a hooker:

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding
anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special
occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years,
I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few
tricks of the trade and spice up our s*x life a bit.

She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played
rugby for New Zealand. . ..

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Silverware:
 Click here

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Men in th' Kitchen...:
 Click here Click here Click here

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Didn't take too long...:
 Click here

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King is Born...:
 Click here

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 Crows:
 Click here

Another Government Study Provides outstanding Results

CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the
highway between
Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern
that they may have died from Avian Flu.

The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird
pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the
problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with
trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. (Didn't know there was a
difference!)

The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to
determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.

After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological
Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby
tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could
not say “Truck”.

I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well
spent.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

BRAZILIAN OCTOPUS (RARE SIGHTING): xxx

 I AM FORTUNATE TO HAVE A FRIEND THAT LIVES IN COPACABANA BEACH
IN RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL.

HE WAS ABLE TO SEND ME A PICTURE OF THE VERY RARE BRAZILIAN
OCTOPUS “TEMPLAMOSLO DURO MAN”.

IT IS NOT ONLY RARE BUT IT IS THE LARGEST OCTOPUSS IN THE WATERS
THAT BORDER SOUTH AMERICA.

IT IS ALSO A DELICACY FOR THOSE OF US THAT ENJOY AN OCCASIONAL TREAT OF
SUSHI. (ALTHOUGH I KNOW IT IS AN AQUIRED TASTE.)

I HOPE THAT YOU CAN APPRECIATE THE NATURAL BEAUTY OF THIS ANIMAL.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Pictures of the Day:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Great photos, but the first two are definitely fake - dog with lion mane is
clever.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K:

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe
her.

He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,
and
Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and
The doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

"Blue" Humour:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Newspaper article:
 Click here

Hmmmm...............................

What a pity it's an English Newspaper. How is it, that Journos 10000 miles
away can see him for what he is, and Australian Journos can't or won't see?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Just when you thought the day was over!!:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Latest Armchair by IKEA: [xxx]
 Click here

  I WONDER IF THEY HAVE A MATCHING SOFA...THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING EH?
  NOT AVAILABLE AS A FLATPACK.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Thought's From A Tractor Seat !:
 Click here Click here

 Life from the seat of a tractor..
 An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by.......
 Final quote fits everyone...I don't care who you are!

 Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

 Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

 Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

 A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

 Words that soak into your ears are whispered....not yelled.

 Meanness don't just happen overnight.

 Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

 Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

 It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

 You cannot unsay a cruel word.

 Every path has a few puddles.

 When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

 The best sermons are lived, not preached.

 Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.

 Don't judge folks by their relatives.

 Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

 Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.

 Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

 Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

 If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

 Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

 The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches
you from the mirror every mornin'.

 Always drink upstream from the herd.

 Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.

 Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back
in.

 If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

 Live simply, love generously, care deeply,

 Speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.

 Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just
kill you.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Husband No11:
 Click here

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to
"Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling
me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure
how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had
the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process
but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of
the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but
he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he
was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was
lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the
"Rudd Government"

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Odd stuff:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

And all this bloody fuss about keeping their heads covered!

COWBOYS HAVE NO FEAR

 "BALLS TO THE WALL" IS A TERM THAT PILOTS USE THAT HAS ORIGINS FROM THE
EARLIER
DAYS OF AVIATION, WHEN THE THROTTLE, PROP CONTROL, AND MIXTURE, HAD KNOBS
THAT
MADE IT EASIER FOR THE PILOT TO GRIP. FULL FORWARD TO THE INSTRUMENT PANEL
FOR
MAXIMUM PERFORMANCE WAS, "BALLS TO THE WALL."

  St. Louis Approach Control to United:
  "United 123 best forward speed to the outer marker, you're number one."

  United 123 (male voice): "Roger, balls to the wall."

  St. Louis Approach to American, "American 4321, you're number two
  behind a United 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."

  American 4321 (female voice): "Well, I can't do balls to the wall,
  But I can do wide open."

-Radio silence-

  Unidentified Pilot (male voice): "Is American hiring?"

  S*X AT 68

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have s*x at 68.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without  forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that,
by the time you're  old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

~~~~~

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control,
mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms
tearing up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

The  Pervert

Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with  heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight
ar*e with no  hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I  say is
calling?"

When  you have an 'I  Hate My Job day Try  this
Out:

Stop  at your  pharmacy  And Go to the thermometer section  and
Purchase  A rectal thermometer  made  By Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure  you get this Brand. When You get home, lock your 
doors, Draw  The curtains and disconnect the  phone  So You will not be
disturbed. Change  into very comfortable clothing and sit In  your
favourite chair. Open the package and remove  the Thermometer.

Now, Carefully place it on a table or a  surface
So That it will not become chipped or  broken.

Now The fun part begins. Take Out the  literature from the box and
read it Carefully. You Will notice that in small print there is a
Statement:

"Every  Rectal Thermometer
Made by Johnson &  Johnson
Is  Personally tested  And  then
Sanitized."

Now,  Close your eyes and repeat out loud five  times,' I am so glad
I do not work in
The  thermometer quality control department  at Johnson  &  Johnson.'

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their
bomb making class, when one noticed that the other had a huge cork
stuck in
his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," asked the second, "that cork looks
very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently
stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist said, "I was walking along the beach and I
tripped
over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man
with a white beard, attired in an American flag and top hat came
boiling
out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No sh*t?"

A new employee of the Grant Park liquor store In Winnipeg, Manitoba,
was fired immediately after serving his first customer. A Mr. Gurminder
Mohammad Singh came in and asked if he could recommend a good port.
The employee replied, "Try Halifax"..

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Way to go, old lady!!:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

S O M E T I M E S:
  Click here
Sometimes....when you cry....
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes....when you are in pain....
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes....when you are worried....
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes....when you are happy....
no one sees your smile.

  -

  -

  -

But FART just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody knows!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Oddities:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A federal election guide:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

1-25 Colour in the Sky Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

12 X Aircraft Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 26-50 Colour in the Sky Photos:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Riding a Dead Horse:
 Click here

The tribal wisdom of the Indians, passed on from generation to generation,
says that:
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is
to dismount."

However, in Australia, government has more advanced strategies which are
often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead
horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

12. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

All the above are logical reasons, why we still have an Australian Senate.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

US One Dollar Bill:
 Click here Click here

Amazing what you can do with a black marker pen

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Goodbye Jail:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Hasbro, the makers of Monopoly have decided to remove The Jail from the
Monopoly board. They have not stated what they are going to replace it
with, as yet. However, they did say that the Iron playing token, will be
replaced with a Cat.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

3 X Safety Videos:
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Snow Jump:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Kevin Rudd abandons Australia:
 Click here

BBC World News Mistake

Kevin Rudd is Canada's new prime minister?
As the world ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the royal baby's first public
appearance, there were a few that let out a 'huh?'
when BBC World News referred to Kevin Rudd as the prime minister of Canada.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Men's Health
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Another batch of Walmartians:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Kids:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Difficult times on a rotten pension:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  I've been affected by the financial situation which
  we all are going through.
  Just like you, I am struggling hard to keep going.

  I only buy rotting cheese

  And dry meat

  I drink old wines.

  My car has no roof.

  My bathtub is outside.

  and my wife has nothing to wear!

  What a situation!

  But here we are still coping and struggling.

  WE MUST ENDURE

  Soon things will improve.

  WE'LL JUST HAVE TO SUFFER A LITTLE LONGER.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

NEW World Trade Center - AMAZING:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Working above 520 meters in the air! Ironworkers install final
sections on top of One
WTC, May 2013

Iron workers and engineers prepare the beacon that will sit on
top of One WTCs spire.

Incredible view of the city and its new tower

From on top of One WTC, you can see the East River bridges,
Brooklyn and Queens.

Workers install 3 communications rings on top of One WTC,which
will bring back broadcast capabilities 2 Lwr Manhattan.

Window installers walk along beams at dizzying heights from the
102nd Fl., of One WTC to install curtain wall panels.

Final 2 pieces of #OneWTC spire sit next to previously
installed sections. When connected, One WTC will stand 1776 ft.

Ironworkers courageously guide spire sections 17 and 18 into
place.

Spire Gang From left to right: Kevin Boyle, Richie Christy,
Brett Davis, Kevin Sabbagh,
Mark Donnelly, Arthur Peart

Looking way, way down.

The WTC site.

Ironworkers at #OneWTC look on as the final flag-draped section
of spire is hoisted to the top of the building.

Over 250,000 commuters will use the WTC Trans. Hub to connect
with 11 subway lines.

The WTC Crane Operators Spectacular View.

The first large piece of the spire for One World Trade Center
was lifted up to the top of the building.

Barge carrying pieces of the spire for One WTC passes the
Statue of Liberty on the way to pier 25 in lower Manhattan.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gender logic:
 Click here

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.

Teacher : Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm
like the moon?

Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...

Give that boy a Bells!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Hoarded Ducks See Water For The First Time:
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Dubai Miracle Gardens - WOW!!:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Dubai Miracle Gardens. The most beautiful and biggest natural
flower garden in the world.

The Miracle Garden contains special vertical and horizontal
landscaping designs, each area has special design.  The Miracle Garden
contains different types of flowers, some flowers are planted first time in
the Gulf Region, the garden contains more than 45 million flowers.

Garden Instructions

1- Please keep the area clean

2- Children are the responsibility of accompanied adults

3- Ball playing , cycling and barbecues are not allowed

4- The pets are not allowed

5- Management shall not be held responsible for personal
accidents

6- Sitting is allowed only in the designated areas

7- Flower picking is not allowed

8- Any damages arising due to negligence or non–compliance
with the mentioned instructions shall be sole responsibility of the visitor
and their companions

9- Please use proper passages, walkways and exits allocated for
such use

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

TOOLS EXPLAINED:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course,
the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out
of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can
also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-
removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids
in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Asiana:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

DRIFTWOOD HORSES - BRILLIANT:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

HORSES BRILLIANT. Girls can do anything!!

Wouldn't I just love one of these in my garden!!!
Just when you thought you had seen it all...this comes along...enjoy!!

These ladies build horses out of scr*p driftwood they find.
Not only are they beautiful but they are using what Mother Nature
has left behind to create another form of art.

 Hope you enjoyed this.
 If you did, please pass along to others.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

hehe:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

NEW STAR WARS EPISODE:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
IT DOESN'T TAKE THEM LONG TO GET THESE GOING, DOES IT???

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bathroom sign:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

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[ End friday humour ]

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