Friday humour - July 19, 2013

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

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From: Burnout
Subject: Tour of Brisbane
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Fox TV names Pilots in Korean Air Crash...

Would you watch a news service as accurate as this:
 Click here

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From: Burnout
 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: What do you think?? about right??

We all remember the KFC
"Julia Meal:"
Small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an
addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the "Rudd" Bucket: it consists of nothing but left wings and an
as*hole.

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: Funnies!!!

Wife says to husband "you only ever want s*x when you're drunk".
Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including
cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in
Frankston.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........
They had no idea they had a Job Centre!.

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like
yours, she appears out of nowhere!"

My s*xy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger".  It was
only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I
realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was
f*#king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or s*x once since the first beating.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son.
"I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive."
"Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it."
About 20mins later he gets another call..."
"Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim
benefits.
 From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of
her f*nny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she
caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you
before you realised it was caught?"

Sky news report.
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack.

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: Why Russians have dashboard cameras

HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE !!

This is why Russians use dash cams, (dashboard cameras) - amazing!
 Click here

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From: Davo
Subject: Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN , WERE SITTING NAKED IN A
SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I
HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM
TO
HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD
TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT
THAT.......I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

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From: Wally
Subject: Old Time Aviation

     These really exists: Giant concrete arrows across America.

     Courtesy of Aviation Archaeological Investigation & Research

     Every so often, usually in the vast deserts of the American
Southwest, a hiker or a backpacker will run across something puzzling: a
ginormous concrete arrow, as much as seventy feet in length, just sitting
in the middle of scrub-covered nowhere.

     What are these giant arrows?  Some kind of surveying mark?  Landing
beacons for flying saucers? Earth’s turn signals? No, it's…

     The Transcontinental Air Mail Route

     Expand
     A re-creation of a 1920s map showing the route of airmail planes;
the dots are intermediate stops along the course.

     On August 20, 1920, the United States opened its first coast-to-coast
airmail delivery route, just 60 years after the Pony
Express closed up shop.

     There were no good aviation charts in those days, so pilots had to
eyeball their way across the country using landmarks. This meant that
flying in bad weather was difficult, and night flying was just about
impossible.

     The Postal Service solved the problem with the world’s first
ground-based civilian navigation system: a series of lit beacons that would
extend from New York to San Francisco. Every ten miles, pilots would pass a
bright yellow concrete arrow. Each arrow would be surmounted by a 51-foot
steel tower and lit by a million-candlepower rotating beacon. (A generator
shed at the tail of each arrow powered the beacon).

     Now mail could get from the Atlantic to the Pacific not in a matter of
weeks, but in just 30 hours or so.

     Even the dumbest of air mail pilots, it seems, could follow a series
of bright yellow arrows straight out of a Tex Avery cartoon.

     By 1924, just a year after Congress funded it, the line of giant
concrete markers stretched from Rock Springs, Wyoming to Cleveland,
Ohio. The next summer, it reached all the way to New York, and by 1929 it
spanned the continent uninterrupted, the envy of postal systems worldwide.

     Radio and radar are, of course, infinitely less cool than a concrete
"Yellow Brick Road" from sea to shining sea, but I think we all know how
this story ends. New advances in communication and navigation technology
made the big arrows obsolete, and the Commerce Department decommissioned
the beacons in the 1940s.

     The steel towers were torn down and went to the war effort.  But the
hundreds of arrows remain. Their yellow paint is gone, their concrete
cracks a little more with every winter frost, and no one crosses their path
much, except coyotes and tumbleweeds.

     But they’re still out there!

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From: Wally
Subject: Travel Plans

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently,
you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one  recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children,
friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to
visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the
stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

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From: Diks
Subject: Damn...
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Things you perhaps didn't knowabout London..
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: YEAR 2035... Just So You can Plan Ahead
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  And currently elsewhere........
Eiffel Tower Modifications are now Complete

...finally finished for the next generation!

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: R M Williams Longhorn Logo
 Click here Click here

I have always been fascinated by Australian Trivia and I thought you might
be interested in this bit of trivia as well.

Where did the R.M. Williams Longhorn logo idea come from?

     I did not know this!
     My duty to teach you something new every day is done.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject:: ME WANT COFFEE.........

             An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
       in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
       He says to the waiter:

       "Want coffee."
       The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

       He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
       The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
       turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
       causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just
walks out.

       The next morning the Indian returns.
       He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
       another male buffalo with the other.
       He walks up to the counter and says to
       the waiter:

       "Want coffee."

       The waiter says "Whoa!
       We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
       What was all that about, anyway?"
       The Indian smiles and proudly says,

       "Training for position in government:
       Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
       leave sh*t for others to clean up,
       disappear for rest of day."

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Signs of the times
 Click here Click here Click here

Subject:  My kind of Super Hero
 Click here

Subject: about call centres
 Click here

Subject: A best seller
 Click here

Subject: Cat story
 Click here

Subject: Funny about that
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: 10 Photos
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 Click here

Subject:  7 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Christie Harris' Story
 Click here Click here

An Oklahoma meth dealer, from Ada County, who hid her loaded gun in her
vagina, when she was arrested, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison.
Christie Harris, 28, pleaded no contest to possession of methamphetamine
with intent to distribute, gun possession, and bringing contraband into
jail.
She'd already been convicted of a long list of felony charges.

Upon arresting Harris, officer Kathy Unbewust reported: "I observed at that
time a wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina area."
Unbewust "pulled the item from her vagina, and found it to be a Smith &
Wesson 5 shot revolver, with rounds in the chamber."

She was sentenced to 25 years for each charge to be served concurrently.

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From: Wally
Subject: Corkex Cast
 Click here

NEW TECHNOLOGY

3-D printing technology has led to people printing everything from houses
to new ears. Now a designer says he’s come up with a better,
stronger cast for broken bones, that would actually allow you to scratch!

Designer Jake Evill, calls it Corkex and it borrows a page from the insect
world creating an exoskeleton to protect your internal skeleton.

Medical professionals would take an X-ray of a broken limb, then do a
3-D scan to determine the exact dimensions of the limb, and a 3-D printer
would generate a cast that provided optimal support for the injured area,
and be an exact fit for the patient. The cast would be printed off using a
strong nylon fibre.

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From: Wally
Subject: 17 Photos
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From: Wally
Subject: Look after your Mate
 Click here Click here

Subject: Amazing Grace in Cherokee
 Click here Click here

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Quote of the Week:

  Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
- Anthony Burgess.

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[ End friday humour ]

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