Friday humour - July 12, 2013

[ from Steve @ Bluehaze ]

Nothing much to rant about this week. I'm gonna stay away from politics
until Malcolm replaces Tony and it's a fair fight again :-)

This weeks feast arrives courtesy of Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Diks,
Duke of Barsinov, Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier, The Great
Gussius, Wally, and only one of the anonymi, i.e. an anonymum.

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Why She is Divorced.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and
say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... they will
remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So
when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning,
lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least
someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You
know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do
you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose
instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I
enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful
day... we don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't
mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there.... on the couch... naked.

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Spell check please...

A blonde secretary got an expensive 'Mont Blanc' fountain pen as a birthday
gift from her boss.

She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.

Bosses wife read the email (as they shared a common email account at home.)
and filed for divorce in court next morning.

The email read:
"Your penis wonderful!... I enjoyed using it last night.
It has an extra ordinary smooth flow, and firm strokes.
Initially it's tip had to be licked to bring it to working order & it is
equally good on both sides.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.
At last it is mine and mine for ever!. Thanks a lot"

Moral of story: *Spacing*... is an essential part in English.

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There's hope for us young 'uns.
 Click here

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This scooter rider (and his bemused passenger) REALLY had to be somewhere
in a hurry.
Hang on in there and watch to the end!
 Click here
As my dear old granny used to say - the wee laddie is phuqued in the head.

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In the time of Roman Britain, a Celt threw a haggis over Hadrian's Wall as
a peace offering. At first the centurions thought it was a poop bag for
Aberdeen Angus Bulls, and decided it couldn't possibly be something anyone
would eat, so threw it back.

The Celt then hurled it back, saying "Ta'e this!"

The Romans misheard this as 'Tennis' and the Scottish national sport was
born.

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Chinese S*x.

While in China , an American man is very s*xually promiscuous and does not
use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find
his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad
news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but
surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian
VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!"

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My boss phoned me today. He said "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't
stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favour" he asked.

I said "Of course, What is it?"

"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."

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Getting into a sticky situation
 Click here

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The Jewish Elbow.

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments.
I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow,
push 3rd Floor.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow?

"What? You're coming empty handed?"

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Black Jack
 Click here
Black Jack was notorious or his bad behaviour of acting up, not standing
still & fidgeting while on the job. Because of protocol,
handlers weren't allowed to speak to or reprimand the horse or use any
voice cues during a procession. Besides more than 1,000 military
processions to Arlington Cemetery, Black Jack escorted the funeral caissons
of presidents Herbert Hoover, John F. Kennedy,
& Lyndon B. Johnson, as well as General Douglas MacArthur. Black Jack died
in 1976.

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In memory of
 Click here

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Humour with a feminine side
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Fun in the Surf...
 Click here

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Why doesn't anybody give them back?
 Click here

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Mayberry
 Click here

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Hunter's Dilemma...
 Click here
I had him in my sights! BUT should I? Could I ?
And then I thought, "that's how I want to go!"

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A Fan till the end......
 Click here
Think you are a dedicated fan................check this guy out!

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At last ... THE TRUTH!!!
 Click here

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True Value of Mates
 Click here

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DIY vasectomy
 Click here

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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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13 dogs skipping rope.
 Click here

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Predator.
 Click here
Hump just one leg and you get branded for life.

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Bad Sign Placement
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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The Niggar Family
 Click here

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Have You Got Your Priorities of Life in Order?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Celebrities vs Airlines
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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More Engrish
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Adult Cartoons
 Click here Click here Click here

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Bits & Pieces
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Goodbye Julia
Couple of Gillard 'toons over the years.
Not that she will ever fade from our memory.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Eyes
 Click here

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Smart Cats
 Click here Click here

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Home Again
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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